- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Josh Hawley and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Fascist Coup Attempt
You think I could get away with the “I almost didn’t blog, the news was so slow” gag tonight? Like, I could write this super long paragraph about the Indians/Mets trade, really milk it, but ho hum, “otherwise it was pretty quiet out there” or some shit? Personally, I think I’ve beaten that gag to death, but I figured it was worth a try.
Still, I suppose we really ought to discuss that thing where the President of the United States incited a fascist mob to storm the Capitol, attempt to kidnap and execute some of the highest-ranking elected officials in the land, and overthrow the American government on his behalf. Check out that Mets trade when you get a chance, though.
It all started innocently enough, with shiny new freshman Republican Congressthug Mary Miller introducing herself on the national scene with a hearty “Hitler was right” speech. That Miller was not promptly deposited on the very next bus back to the Illinois 15th tells you enough about the state of the GOP in 2021 that nothing that would follow should surprise you.
Mary’s pretty lucky, actually, because her Hitler-praising never really even made it to the front page, what with the aforementioned Mets trade, and also probably the violent coup thing.
About that. What do you even say? A mob of the shittiest losers scraped from the floors of America’s filthiest public restrooms, radicalized by the frankly silly lies of a farcically transparent con man and his cynical enablers, gathered in Washington, D.C., with murderous intentions. Many wore silly costumes, because everything Donald Trump does has to be stupid as well as dangerous.
A series of seditious speakers, including Mo Brooks and Gameshow Göring himself, (and Rudy Giuliani, who pulled out of his cousin just long enough to demand “trial by combat”) riled them up further, until, in a state of raging entitlement, they marched on the Capitol, where they quickly overwhelmed criminally understaffed law enforcement, invading the building where Congress was in the process of certifying the Electoral College vote, forcing historians to hastily add asterisks to encyclopedia entries on the final downfall of Nazism.
When the U.S. President looked upon this howling insurgent mob, who injured 56 police officers and murdered one, he told them, “we love you, you’re very special,” which is nicer than anything he’s ever said to Tiffany.
So Twitter n’ Facebook finally put the fucker in time-out, because he was enthusiastically cheerleading an active terror attack on Congress in session, and also to prevent him from using social media to organize further sectarian violence. As one does in this, our extremely first-world nation.
Meanwhile, the terrorist swarm, chock full of known white supremacist agitators, armed with bats and zip ties and god knows what else (shoutout to the guy who drove all the way up from Alabama only to leave his ELEVEN MOLOTOV COCKTAILS in the truck) roamed the halls, searching for Congressfolk to kidnap and kill. Many allegedly sought to murder Mike Pence, recently excommunicated from Cult45 for refusing to go along with Louie Gohmert’s deeply stupid plan to steal the presidency by sneaking it out of the building under the Vice President’s coat.
D.C. Police Chief Robert Contee actually had the sack to claim that there was “no intelligence” that something like this would happen, a lie so preposterous even the Dotard himself is like, “Layin’ it on a little thick there, huh, Bob?” because the “intelligence” has been all over the web, for weeks, in the form of extremely public planning conducted openly on social media. Just a heads up, they’re plotting a few more rounds of this shit, in case anybody feels like doing their job going forward.
Word is, Minority Leader McCarthy, during the siege, begged his Turd Emperor to call off his rabid supporters, but Hairplug Himmler refused, abandoning his loyal stooge to literally die in a violent insurrection, but damned if Kev didn’t immediately re-staple his lips to that butt the very moment he was safe again. Does Donald Trump’s ass secrete some sort of addictive chemical? I’m really asking.
Anyway, once the terrorist throng was finally cleared from the halls of Congress (after pissing and shitting all over everything like animals), the House GOP immediately acquiesced to their every demand, moving right along with their bullshit “challenge” to the election results, because learning from your mistakes, even when you have literally just unleashed horrifying mob violence on your very own workplace, is, apparently, for cucks.
Of course, the fantastic news is that the Dunderhead Revolt failed spectacularly; (and how could it do anything else, considering the parties involved?) all they managed to accomplish was delaying the certification a few hours, forcing the shitty, decrepit white dudes who represent them to stay up past their bedtimes, officially acknowledging the restaurant-quality ass-kicking Joe Biden administered to their Skidmark Messiah last November. Nice work, losers.
At that point, this dark episode in American history reverted pretty quickly from constitutional crisis to the more comfortable and familiar Morons Rubbing Shit In Their Own Hair Show that we’ve grown accustomed to. Right wing media, ever ready to gaslight their audience, which craves gaslighting like Paula Dean craves hot buttery racism, figured they could always just blame the whole thing on antifa, but the Dipshit Confederacy wasn’t having any of that, they wanted credit for their felonies, dagnabbit!
…not that tracking any of them down would prove difficult anyway, on account of the way they live-streamed their federal crimes on social media. And took selfies. And paraded, maskless, before the Capitol’s rather substantial security camera collection. There’s really no amount of self-destruction that can force these clowns to abandon their “cultural” rejection of mask-wearing during this public health crisis, is there? Well. Enjoy prison.
Cuz the harsh light of a new day brought, as it is wont to do, a great big fuckin’ bucket of consequences. How quickly the LOCK HER UP crowd devolves into blubbering, “forgive me, I made a mistake, I only treasoned on accident!” One minute, you’re scratching your balls in Speaker Pelosi’s chair, the next, you’re in prison. And the next. And the next. And the next…
I’m really getting a kick out of this sudden wave of May As Well Take My Vacation Days “principled resignations,” too. Does Elaine Chao truly envision a misty-eyed standing ovation for her years-late, community-theatre-worthy show of “bravery?” Betsy DeVos imagines there’s some sort of virtuous stand still available to Betsy DeVos at this late date? That’s honestly adorable.
In the midst of a week where he tried to overthrow the government and have his own Vice President murdered, President Crotchrot somehow still found the mental space to muse OH YEAH GOTTA MAKE TIME DURING THIS SEDITIOUS PSYCHOTIC EPISODE TO FORCE CELEBRITIES TAKE PICTURES WITH ME ONE LAST TIME and so he gave some medals to some golfers, one of whom I understand is deceased. We need to make sure this warped, soggy brain gets left to science, is all I’m saying.
It’s possible I will never stop laughing at Josh Hawley, who finally took the plunge into full-on focus-group fascism ten minutes before Donald Trump transformed himself into American Bin Laden. Son, if you weren’t able to piece together on your own that the moment for your treacherous lil’ pageant passed while police officers were bleeding and dying to protect you from the consequences of your own recklessness, I just don’t think leadership is your calling.
Yeah, Josh jumped (and Ted Cruz jumped after him, let’s spare a belly laugh or twelve for that) straight into a steaming pile of comeuppance, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fascist. Allies and donors are fleeing, home state newspapers are demanding resignation, his book deal got Milo’d, and there’s still the judgment of history to come. Tee fucking hee.
Hawley and Cruz are getting the headlines (and the calls to resign from Senate colleagues) but we shouldn’t overlook the backbench co-conspirators, if you ask me. We’re gonna run against Tommy Tuberville in 2026 reminding voters that he sided with terrorists attempting to overthrow the government on his VERY FIRST WEEK, and they’re gonna re-elect him anyway, aren’t they?
And now Republicans are whining (story at 11, right?) that another impeachment would be “divisive.” Well, I think we need a little division at this point. We need to divide the violent lunatics and those who incite them from polite society, and certainly from our fucking politics. If we don’t do that, Wednesday’s debacle will simply be the first chapter of a very long book that will suck to read, and suck much, much harder to live through. I’m sorry that y’all made these maniacs such an important part of your electoral coalition; that was a bad decision on your end.
As you process the week’s tragedies, spare a tear for the poor, loyal Shart House staffers, who are suddenly worried about how “shuffled paperwork for a terrorist insurrection” is going to look on a resumé. Now, I’m a compassionate guy; if times ever get truly tough for these poor lackeys, I have plenty of shit they can eat.
But y’know somethin’? A thousand years ago, when I was wrapping up my last blog, the first results of the Georgia Senate runoffs were just starting to trickle in. For all the horrible shit the country has been through these last few years, we just installed, in two seats the Republican Party has come to view as personal property, a young, liberal, Jewish filmmaker, and the Pastor at Martin Luther King Jr.’s church, the first Black Senator in Georgia history. And in doing so, swung the whole dang Senate into Chuck Schumer’s lovin’ arms.
I know dozens, if not hundreds of you reading this right now donated to those campaigns. Made calls. Knocked on doors. Sent postcards. In a week that’s seen some deeply fucked up notions about the meaning of patriotism, we came together to accomplish something wonderful for our country. Something that changed the course of history, pried power out of Mitch McConnell’s abusive hands, and gave the incoming administration a fighting chance to do some much-needed good. I thank you for it.
Things’re pretty intense right now. The House is looking to impeach the motherfucker again (for incitement of insurrection, which, y’know…is objectively how the guy spent his Wednesday) as early as Monday. Lisa Murkowski is threatening to leave the Republican Party. And the Mets and the Indians made a really big trade (Shazam!).
ANYWAY, soooooooooo yeah. Congratulations, you are officially living through the United States of America’s first ever non-peaceful transfer of power. There should be a challenge coin, don’tcha think?
Oh, incidentally, COVID-19 broke the 4,000-American-deaths-in-one-day barrier, and the worst is still to come. Everything is awful. Everything. I’m sorry. Seriously. What the fuck.
Hey, it’s been a nonstop batguano tornado this week, and I am 100% sure I missed a bunch of details, for which I beg your forgiveness. JESUS CHRIST THE DODDERING FUCK JUST GOT PERMANENTLY SUSPENDED FROM TWITTER, CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE I’M TRYING TO WRITE A CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH?
It never stops. But I have to, for now. I’m tired. And my HBO Max free trial period ends tomorrow. The sitting President of the United States has been banned from Twitter for inciting violence, “may you live in interesting times,” FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Dear Cap, I stayed up late and you came through. How did you do that? I honestly didn’t expect it considering the last couple of days. Awesome and lots of laughs. Bless your little heart. I have one complaint. How could you ever imagine putting Betsy DeVos and adorable in the same paragraph no matter the meaning. It was both totally ridiculous and in-comprehensive. I’m impressed, but then I’m usually impressed when I read your blog. Thanks for a great run down on being lucky enough to live through this week. Good fucking grief. Hope you have a good night’s sleep. Now that I’ve laughed with you I’m ready to call it a year and sleep until the 20th. I wish. Great job tonight. Thanks.
Oh, I do hope you are right about the Dunderhead revolt. What scares me about it even more than a bunch of morans (can’t help myself) crapping all over everything dressed like buffaloes, or whatever the hell that guy was supposed to be, are the ones that did not look like idiots. I fear that the idiot contingency was just cover for the folks dressed in military gear bringing in zip-tie handcuffs. It sounds as if we were just a few moments from success, for that contingency. Sounds as if they had maps, even of the escape tunnels. To me, it is beginning to look more and more like the loons had a bunch of inside help from the less loony and more evil.
Still, I have had several bottles of champagne over the past few days because GEORGIA! Thank you for the shout out.
And we could all use the laughs these days, so an extra high five for the addictive chemicals/ass visual.
“Pissing and shitting all over like animals,” eh? All the while the terrorists are yelping about how this is THEIR House, how they have the RIGHT to be there. So that’s how they treated “their” House? Y’know, as some one who has made a living cleaning houses for ‘way too many years, I actually have an idea of what their own personal domiciles probably look like. (Spoiler alert: there’s none-too-clean straw on the floor and a fly-covered feed trough in the corner.) I pity the crew who had to clean up all that DNA.
I didn’t think anyone/anything could make me laugh about an attempted coup to violently overthrow the duly elected government of the United States of America, but you succeeded (even if it was more like wry giggles). Thank you for summarizing it as only you can do. The thumb arthritis I developed from writing all those Georgia postcards is worth it, even if it lasts the rest of my life. Getting back the senate from McConnell is worth any amount of pain…
Thank you for the sacrifice of your thumb health for you country! You are truly a hero and are to be commended.
Wrote earlier today, Cap, that I am neither surprised nor shocked by this latest turn of events. I was struck by the realization, looking at the rampaging mob of moronic 4th grade dropout goobers overrunning and ransacking the United States Capitol (all the while drooling, yelling, grinning stupidly and generally looking like a bunch of fucking idiots), that uncontrolled inbreeding is never, EVER, a good idea.
What I do not understand is how 140 GOP morons could run for their lives from that mob, then reconvene and vote against certifying the results in AZ and PA. Now that truly is shocking!
Speaking of less loony and more evil, doesn’t it appear that someone in the Frump gang had the brilliant idea to replace the leaders of the Pentagon before the attempted coup so that they would be able to control the military response or am I starting a conspiracy theory?
I avoid CT like the plague, but this very idea certainly has occurred to me!
Thanks for that, humor helps in times like these and may you live interesting times was originally meant as an insult. Hopefully EVERYONE involved gets what they deserve and at least the orange vulgarian won’t be tweeting or doing Facebook now…
Thanks Cap.
Those treasonous RapePublicans shoulda been standing on the porch welcoming the mob in with sweet tea and pecan pie, dontcha think? Instead they hid in the bunkers like the cowards they are.
I’s like to point out, in case we missed it– that Drumpf sicced his dogs of war on ALL of the Line Of Succession members– Pence, Pelosi and Grassley– in one of the few times and places they would be together. Does this strike anyone as being– treason ous? Sinister?? Possibly murderous?? If I recall, the next in line would be Ball Washer and Taint Licker Extrordinaire, MNoChin hisownself.
And a special shout out to MY personal member of the Coup Consortium–# TrashyStefanik, whom District 21 residents are calling upon to resign. If your particular Rep is a Democrat, perhaps take a few moments to call out the OTHER seditionist Confederates like Trashy and give em a call, remind them they are United States Congress persons, NOT JUST FROM YOUR DISTRICT– And demand their resignations. The NYT has a Rogues Gallery and list of the names by State of both Chambers.
You’re a better man than I, Cap – though that’s not too tough, since I’m a girl, sooo…Love to write, but Mike and I spent that crisp, cool Wednesday in the twilight of our lives switching places between the two TVs, attempting to reassure one another that no, it wasn’t a Parkinson’s-induced hallucination. “This is a coup, right?” “Yep, looks like a coup to me…””Should have gotten more pretzels.”
Although ‘alternative’ plans are well underway (Nancy’s kind, not KellyAnne’s), we’ve already seen their poster online plugging their next social event, this one an armed gathering of the Klan in DC and all 50 state capitols, on the 17th. Cheeto’s last message on Twitter (“for those of you who are asking”) was that, no, in fact, he would NOT be at the Inauguration – which we take as a signal that they may unleash their worst w/o fear of mussing his hair.
It will be ‘interesting’, indeed, to see how this all plays out. I’d ask the cop around the corner if he’s going to lower his yuuuuge Trump flag to honor Brian Sicknick’s funeral, but that might be poking the bear. Fuckers, indeed.
Thank you for stepping up and doing another great blog in this ever more nerve-wracking time. I was behind a guy at the grocery store today who was bitterly bitching about having to wear a mask (which he had over his mouth, but not his nose). I was tempted to say “Oh, are you upset that you lost your insurrection? Don’t feel bad, it happens sometimes.” But he probably would have decked me – he was a pretty big bubba, so it’s good I didn’t say anything. BTW, I was reading your last blog on Wednesday when I noticed a comment on the sidebar about people breaching the capital. I thought it must be someone projecting what COULD happen, but it looked serious, so I went to the main news headlines and couldn’t believe what was happening. Spent the rest of the day watching in disbelief.
Cap, you continue to help me through unbelievably mind blowing times and I think, thank, thank you. Pretty darn sure my clients thank you, too; not a good look when your individual therapist has Mr Magoo eyes and is repeating sullenly, “wtf” in a session. So, please keep up the brilliant satire!
You’re the man, Cap. Just one observation. We’d better arrest this guy or he’ll be on a plane to Moscow with all his little family January 19th.
Cheers.
We cannot give enough thanks to Stacey Abrams, and the African-American women who saved Democracy, at least for now.
But our Billionaire Overlords who chose the lazy TurdMaggot for Dictator really screwed the pooch. A real Dictator does not watch teevee all day long while pooping in his diaper all day long. Everything TM touches does die or turns into stinky poop. I could do a better job of World Domination than these clowns who claim to be members of a Superior White Race. And they were not wearing masks as they attacked the Capitol. The Insurrection, a very clumsy inside job, was yet another Superspreader of Disease.
And Breaking News: Joe Biden compares Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, to Nazis. Yes! Joe Biden: “They’re part of the big lie, Goebbels and the great lie. You keep repeating the lie, repeating the lie.”
And Insurrectionist Leader Josh Hawley led the Maggot Mob, on Jan. 6, the Day of Infamy. Josh who does not have a Missouri residence, or self-awareness, is outraged that a President-Elect could say such “utterly shameful” things. Josh: “This is undignified, immature, and intemperate behavior from the President-elect”. Make your own joke.
Thank you, Cap, for all the wry laughs about the sad state of an easily predictable MAGAt presidency. Your writings would make a wonderful deprogramming manual for the cult, if they could read. I look forward to more of your insight.
Please promise to stay through the Biden years, Cap, if we have any. If there aren’t enough news items you can always share your favorite limericks, or something. Irreverent voices are ever in short supply in this funscape.
“A mob of the shittiest losers scraped from the floors of America’s filthiest public restrooms, radicalized by the frankly silly lies of a farcically transparent con man and his cynical enablers, gathered in Washington, D.C., with murderous intentions.”
A classic Cap. You certainly found a way of distilling this event to it’s basic essence.
Paula Deen.
I know this is usually a place where I can say how much I like your blog.
I laughed a lot and want to crosspost your blog to my facebook page, but I am mad at a foreign friend for thinking Wednesday’s shitshow was amusing, so I can’t.
What is the matter with you Colorado? You are getting to be almost as bad as Kansas. Rep. Ken Buck, Chair of Colorado Republicans, is part of the Insurrection, and may try it again. Buck supports the Republican official who “doxed” Colorado Public Health employees and urged their assassination. Buck supports the lunatic, newly elected QAnon Rep. Lauren Boebert.
Boebert was broadcasting the location of Nancy Pelosi as Trump’s assassins were looking for her. It is a war.
@laurenboebert
The Speaker has been removed from the chambers.
12:18 PM · Jan 6, 2021
It’s going to get a lot more cray cray before shit settles down, people. National intelligence estimates Rumpy’s ‘army’ to be 15 million, armed, insane and fact-free. The National Guard better sack up, cuz these assholes are not done terrorizing America for their Dear Leader. Just getting started, I believe. No rest for you, Cap! Peace.