Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
This Week in Hell: Bad Things Happen to Bad People, FINALLY (And the MyPillow Guy Was There)
It’s fascinating, looking at how folks’ politics evolved and changed over the last four years. Take me, for example: I used to consider myself primarily a gun control voter, but now the only thing I care about is shortening the interminable motherfucking lame duck period. This shit has to stop. I’m worried it won’t. The election was what, 15, 16 months ago? At least? WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?
Well, Sharty McFly went and got himself impeached again, I see. Wasn’t paying close attention, but I assume it had something to do with the whole “inciting a white nationalist mob to murder my enemies, I can’t lose power, I just can’t, you have no idea what Deutsche Bank’s bill collectors are capable of when your fingers are already tiny and fragile” thing.
(I think I’m supposed to praise the 10 Republicans who voted for impeachment this time, after enabling every other crime and atrocity, but I won’t do that, because I possess both a memory and standards.)
Y’know, for a dude who’s wasted his entire life on an obsessive crusade to prove to his dead, evil father that he’s not a loser…I mean, holy balls did Donnie Dotard ever miss that target. I’ve never seen so much concentrated losing in a such a short period of time, it must be like experiencing 100 years of Cubs baseball condensed into a single crotch punt. Lost the election in slow motion, re-lost it some 60-odd times over in every courtroom in America, and then, just when it looked like he’d still get to slip away to a life of comfort and influence, decided to strap Louie Gohmert’s Worst Idea to his own scrotum and let it drag him balls-first to bottom of the fucking sea, ensuring all the books to come end with a “and then, yeah, he pulled a Hitler,” chapter.
Seriously, if you harbor any ambitions towards being crowned the biggest loser in human history…give up. Seat’s taken.
We’re told Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot finds himself “isolated” in the aftermath of his fascistic blunder and the subsequent avalanche of consequences. Success, they say, has a thousand fathers; a failed fascist coup is an unlovable loser kid with a sphincter for a mouth I can’t stand the fucking sight of him just ship him to military school for Christ’s sake you said you were on the pill, Mary.
After years of watching clowns like Gym Jordan and Matt Gaetz shit themselves screeching about deep state plots to make Donald Trump forget how to pronounce Yosemite, it’s actually quite jarring to hear accusations that would feel similarly at home in a Tom Clancy novel, only from serious people, with legit national security credentials, who wouldn’t make such allegations lightly. People like New Jersey Congresswoman and former Navy helicopter pilot and federal prosecutor Mikie Sherrill.
Sherrill leads a group of more than 30 House Democrats in requesting some dang investigations, because it seems as though some of her unity-seeking colleagues across the proverbial aisle maybe kinda sorta gave some of the January 6th insurrectionist terrorists a reconnaissance pass through the Capitol in the form of a Friendly Ol’ Tour for Th’Folks Back Home, on…January 5th, though such tours have of course been suspended during the pandemic.
Even in an era overflowing with fucked-up shit, that is some FUCKED-UP SHIT. Like, as someone who already believed the House Republican Caucus contains three or four dozen of the very worst people alive, I still never imagined they could collaborate with terrorist seditionists in a plot to violently overthrow the government…but I tell you, friends, you look at the Lauren Boeberts and the Marjorie Taylor Greenes and the Madison Cawthorns and HELL YES you make those creeps go through metal detectors before you let them on the floor.
Because the more we learn about this riot, the scarier this moment in time feels. Like, I’m certainly grateful for the sugar rush that accompanies each Seditious Clod Arrest, if only for spicing up my doomscrolling, but this wasn’t all drooling fuckwits in stupid costumes stealing office furniture; that mob contained trained combatants using military tactics against law enforcement.
So I do believe I’ll take a pass on the unity n’ healing until we’ve worked this stuff out, thanks.
With his world collapsing around him, banks and cities cutting ties with his fascist loser family business, and law enforcement closing in, Hairplug Himmler, bless his rotten, festering heart, still made time to instruct his dwindling inner circle, “hey, nobody pay Rudy!” because fuck the one guy who’s still willing to atomize his reputation for you, right?
Course, now the Shart House is trying to walk that story back, because Giuliani is the closest thing to a lawyer they can find willing to defend Littlefinger at the impeachment trial. Fuck it, he’s gonna outlive us all. When President Tiffany activates the Doomsday Machine after misinterpreting a TikTok, all that’ll survive is roaches and Rudy, stumbling through the charred remains of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, demanding 20 grand a day from the molten dildos.
A new inspector general report says the Crotchmaggot Administration’s “zero tolerance” policy was exactly what it appeared to be: reckless malice perpetrated by gleeful bigots who heaped accidental atrocities on top of the ones they were shooting for intentionally, because they never in their wildest dreams imagined they’d be handed the naked power of the American presidency to wield as white nationalism’s sword, and so they fucked shit up in their fervor to hurt people. Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions was behind it all, because WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU PUT A FUCKING KLANSMAN IN CHARGE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE?!?!?
I guess Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar got the creepy-crawlies at the thought of the filthy plebs in the Secret Service getting poor person germs all over their beautiful house, which they just paid off with the proceeds of all the state secrets they sold to the Saudis, so they forced the chump American taxpayer to foot the bill for a $3,000-a-month apartment so agents would have a place to pee when they weren’t busy looking out for bullets to take on behalf of their plutocrat betters. Are we absolutely certain we’re doing populism right?
Amidst the chaos and carnage, President-Elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. spent the day directing profane social media posts at a television actor he believed had insulted him, JUST KIDDING, he unveiled a big ol’ coronavirus relief proposal. In a curious departure from his predecessor’s tactics, Biden appears to be seeking solutions to problems, rather than loudly denying their existence. We’ll see how this plays out in the tabloids.
Somehow, even after bursting onto the national scene with a humiliating interview that revealed his sub-third-grade grasp of civics, Tommy Tuberville has been too busy (taking calls from would-be autocrats during terrorist sieges, apparently) to crack open the Complete Idiot’s Guide to the United States Constitution, or he’d know the presidential inauguration date is set in stone, and not subject to the passing whims of mediocre football coaches who figured the Senate was as good a place as any for an upwards-failing lunkhead to land.
I see Mike Pants, now that his own party tried to lynch him, finally rang up Kamala Harris to congratulate her on absolutely schooling his craven, bottom-feeding ass. Then he went back to checking around every corner to make sure there wasn’t a mob of his former supporters waiting to murder him, which is how he’ll spend the rest of his shitty, misbegotten life. Hee.
The National Rifle Association announced it will file for bankruptcy, as plummeting donations can no longer keep up with Wayne LaPierre’s extravagant lifestyle. An office liquidation sale will begin Monday morning, if you’d like to pry any lightly-used computer monitors from their cold, dead hands.
So I guess the MyPillow Guy is still trying to overthrow the US government? Yeah, got himself an Oval Office meeting n’ everything, to encourage Gameshow Göring to take one last stab at destroying American democracy, so I figure it’s about 50/50 that Lindell’s Legion of Losers marches on the inauguration, armed with sporks and zip ties and knockoff memory foam, perhaps unaware of the National Guard’s shiny new rules of engagement, and wouldn’t that be a shame?
Well. Kinda light tonight, but that’s enough for now, I suppose. Hey, in a few days, you won’t have to worry about crazed bedding salesmen talking the President into civil war. That’s gonna be pretty sweet. Until then, stay safe out there, Resisters…