It’s fascinating, looking at how folks’ politics evolved and changed over the last four years. Take me, for example: I used to consider myself primarily a gun control voter, but now the only thing I care about is shortening the interminable motherfucking lame duck period. This shit has to stop. I’m worried it won’t. The election was what, 15, 16 months ago? At least? WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?   

Well, Sharty McFly went and got himself impeached again, I see. Wasn’t paying close attention, but I assume it had something to do with the whole “inciting a white nationalist mob to murder my enemies, I can’t lose power, I just can’t, you have no idea what Deutsche Bank’s bill collectors are capable of when your fingers are already tiny and fragile” thing.

(I think I’m supposed to praise the 10 Republicans who voted for impeachment this time, after enabling every other crime and atrocity, but I won’t do that, because I possess both a memory and standards.)

Y’know, for a dude who’s wasted his entire life on an obsessive crusade to prove to his dead, evil father that he’s not a loser…I mean, holy balls did Donnie Dotard ever miss that target. I’ve never seen so much concentrated losing in a such a short period of time, it must be like experiencing 100 years of Cubs baseball condensed into a single crotch punt. Lost the election in slow motion, re-lost it some 60-odd times over in every courtroom in America, and then, just when it looked like he’d still get to slip away to a life of comfort and influence, decided to strap Louie Gohmert’s Worst Idea to his own scrotum and let it drag him balls-first to bottom of the fucking sea, ensuring all the books to come end with a “and then, yeah, he pulled a Hitler,” chapter.

Seriously, if you harbor any ambitions towards being crowned the biggest loser in human history…give up. Seat’s taken.

We’re told Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot finds himself “isolated” in the aftermath of his fascistic blunder and the subsequent avalanche of consequences. Success, they say, has a thousand fathers; a failed fascist coup is an unlovable loser kid with a sphincter for a mouth I can’t stand the fucking sight of him just ship him to military school for Christ’s sake you said you were on the pill, Mary.

After years of watching clowns like Gym Jordan and Matt Gaetz shit themselves screeching about deep state plots to make Donald Trump forget how to pronounce Yosemite, it’s actually quite jarring to hear accusations that would feel similarly at home in a Tom Clancy novel, only from serious people, with legit national security credentials, who wouldn’t make such allegations lightly. People like New Jersey Congresswoman and former Navy helicopter pilot and federal prosecutor Mikie Sherrill.

Sherrill leads a group of more than 30 House Democrats in requesting some dang investigations, because it seems as though some of her unity-seeking colleagues across the proverbial aisle maybe kinda sorta gave some of the January 6th insurrectionist terrorists a reconnaissance pass through the Capitol in the form of a Friendly Ol’ Tour for Th’Folks Back Home, on…January 5th, though such tours have of course been suspended during the pandemic.

Even in an era overflowing with fucked-up shit, that is some FUCKED-UP SHIT. Like, as someone who already believed the House Republican Caucus contains three or four dozen of the very worst people alive, I still never imagined they could collaborate with terrorist seditionists in a plot to violently overthrow the government…but I tell you, friends, you look at the Lauren Boeberts and the Marjorie Taylor Greenes and the Madison Cawthorns and HELL YES you make those creeps go through metal detectors before you let them on the floor.

Because the more we learn about this riot, the scarier this moment in time feels. Like, I’m certainly grateful for the sugar rush that accompanies each Seditious Clod Arrest, if only for spicing up my doomscrolling, but this wasn’t all drooling fuckwits in stupid costumes stealing office furniture; that mob contained trained combatants using military tactics against law enforcement.

So I do believe I’ll take a pass on the unity n’ healing until we’ve worked this stuff out, thanks.

With his world collapsing around him, banks and cities cutting ties with his fascist loser family business, and law enforcement closing in, Hairplug Himmler, bless his rotten, festering heart, still made time to instruct his dwindling inner circle, “hey, nobody pay Rudy!” because fuck the one guy who’s still willing to atomize his reputation for you, right?

Course, now the Shart House is trying to walk that story back, because Giuliani is the closest thing to a lawyer they can find willing to defend Littlefinger at the impeachment trial. Fuck it, he’s gonna outlive us all. When President Tiffany activates the Doomsday Machine after misinterpreting a TikTok, all that’ll survive is roaches and Rudy, stumbling through the charred remains of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, demanding 20 grand a day from the molten dildos.

A new inspector general report says the Crotchmaggot Administration’s “zero tolerance” policy was exactly what it appeared to be: reckless malice perpetrated by gleeful bigots who heaped accidental atrocities on top of the ones they were shooting for intentionally, because they never in their wildest dreams imagined they’d be handed the naked power of the American presidency to wield as white nationalism’s sword, and so they fucked shit up in their fervor to hurt people. Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions was behind it all, because WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU PUT A FUCKING KLANSMAN IN CHARGE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE?!?!?

I guess Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar got the creepy-crawlies at the thought of the filthy plebs in the Secret Service getting poor person germs all over their beautiful house, which they just paid off with the proceeds of all the state secrets they sold to the Saudis, so they forced the chump American taxpayer to foot the bill for a $3,000-a-month apartment so agents would have a place to pee when they weren’t busy looking out for bullets to take on behalf of their plutocrat betters. Are we absolutely certain we’re doing populism right?

Amidst the chaos and carnage, President-Elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. spent the day directing profane social media posts at a television actor he believed had insulted him, JUST KIDDING, he unveiled a big ol’ coronavirus relief proposal. In a curious departure from his predecessor’s tactics, Biden appears to be seeking solutions to problems, rather than loudly denying their existence. We’ll see how this plays out in the tabloids.

Somehow, even after bursting onto the national scene with a humiliating interview that revealed his sub-third-grade grasp of civics, Tommy Tuberville has been too busy (taking calls from would-be autocrats during terrorist sieges, apparently) to crack open the Complete Idiot’s Guide to the United States Constitution, or he’d know the presidential inauguration date is set in stone, and not subject to the passing whims of mediocre football coaches who figured the Senate was as good a place as any for an upwards-failing lunkhead to land.

I see Mike Pants, now that his own party tried to lynch him, finally rang up Kamala Harris to congratulate her on absolutely schooling his craven, bottom-feeding ass. Then he went back to checking around every corner to make sure there wasn’t a mob of his former supporters waiting to murder him, which is how he’ll spend the rest of his shitty, misbegotten life. Hee.

The National Rifle Association announced it will file for bankruptcy, as plummeting donations can no longer keep up with Wayne LaPierre’s extravagant lifestyle. An office liquidation sale will begin Monday morning, if you’d like to pry any lightly-used computer monitors from their cold, dead hands.

So I guess the MyPillow Guy is still trying to overthrow the US government? Yeah, got himself an Oval Office meeting n’ everything, to encourage Gameshow Göring to take one last stab at destroying American democracy, so I figure it’s about 50/50 that Lindell’s Legion of Losers marches on the inauguration, armed with sporks and zip ties and knockoff memory foam, perhaps unaware of the National Guard’s shiny new rules of engagement, and wouldn’t that be a shame?

Well. Kinda light tonight, but that’s enough for now, I suppose. Hey, in a few days, you won’t have to worry about crazed bedding salesmen talking the President into civil war. That’s gonna be pretty sweet. Until then, stay safe out there, Resisters…