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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

For the Life of Me, I Couldn’t Come Up With a Title Tonight; Still, Here’re More Poo Jokes About Awful People

Monday, November 4th, 2019

 

I don’t get it; Halloween is supposed to be over, but the news is all monsters, clowns, and abject horror. Can I still get candy from strangers? Or beer, maybe? I need something to take the edge off this shit…

Hey, if you ever happen to swallow some sort of toxic substance, you can always use this story, of the Shart House indoctrinating little kids with raw bigotry at a fucking Halloween party, to purge your system, because you’ll projectile vomit so hard you’ll paint the walls with your fucking intestines. Lord. 

Speaking of the Big Dumb Wall, didja see where smugglers are already sawing through the newer sections of Donnie Dotard’s Monument to Waste, Futility, and Hate with commercially-available power tools? Nice to know we’re stealing billions from the military budget and assaulting Congress’ constitutionally-mandated appropriation authority for an American Maginot Line that you can thwart with a birthday gift card from th’Home Depot.

Washington Nationals closer Sean Doolittle didn’t join his team at their post-championship Shart House celebration, offering a thoughtful, eloquent, defense of his values, and how partying with such a anti-moral colon polyp of a man simply isn’t compatible with them, no matter how many stale cheeseburgers he leaves on the table. Real Michelle Obama, We Go High stuff. I’m more of a poo-joke-n’-swearing guy myself, but I appreciate the classiness.

WaPo reports that Dorito Mussolini hates Ukraine like Captain Hook hates Peter Pan, largely based on batshit conspiracy theories dropped in his ear by the various nefarious Paul Manaforts and Rudy Giulianis (Rudies Giuliani?) around him. One of the things we tend to lose track of regarding our dolt president is, he himself is ultimately just another fully-brainwashed Fux Nooz rube, no different than your long-lost Uncle Dumbfuck, glued to the darkest, looniest, Facebook rabbit holes from dawn til dusk, ordering doomsday prep food buckets from Glenn Beck’s sponsors. He literally trusts the bloviating windbags on the Magical TeeVee Box more than the most expensive, sophisticated, intelligence-gathering apparatus in human history. When the IC contradicts Hannity, Hannity wins every time; after all, if John Brennan is so smart, how come he’s not on in prime time?

These same utterly bonkers conspiracy theories have the Attorney General of the whole dang United States jetting around the world, asking anyone who’ll listen to please help him undermine and attack his own intelligence/law-enforcement agencies, which is, I think you’ll agree, decidedly non-awesome. Luckily, our allies seem to care more about the American IC’s integrity than our own turd-gargling, treasonous, executive branch. A true friend does this sort of thing for you; tells you to your face not to marry the MOTHERFUCKING FASCIST, right?

California has been devastated by massive wildfires in recent days, so naturally President Crotchrot is shitting on Gavin Newsom and threatening to cut off federal funding. He also yelled at California for inadequate forest management, which would be relevant, if we were dealing with forest fires, but we aren’t, so he’s basically just screeching ALL FIRES MATTER. Maybe a good argument against the Electoral College would be like, say, if a hypothetical President, filled with loathing and resentment towards states that didn’t vote for him, tried his damndest to abandon the citizens of those states to die whenever a natural disaster occurrs (and heaven help you if you’re in a U.S. territory without any electoral votes at all coughcoughPuertoRico).

And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet wouldn’t rule out shutting down the government if mean ol’ Nancy Pelosi doesn’t stop impeaching his ass JUST BECAUSE he broke a fuckton of laws. If he’s hellbent on repeating one the very biggest mistakes of his never-ending cavalcade of fuck-ups, failures, and fraud, that’s his business, I suppose. It’s like Ben Affleck threatening to make sequel to Gigli.

Seeking to rinse off the residual humiliation of his public booing at the World Series last week, Sharty McFly sought adulation at the relatively friendlier confines of Madison Square Garden, in his longtime home city, which adores and admires him. KIDDING he got booed like What if the Boston Red Sox and Osama bin Laden Had a Baby. (Side note: I do not generally like using other folks’ jokes in my blog, but this one is too good to miss)

Desperately seeking new bullshit defenses for their Turd Emperor’s thoroughly-documented crimes, some Republicans have settled on “well shucks, is quid pro quo really anything to be ashamed of when the ‘quo’ is something as indisputably noble as battling corruption?” and then making big ol’ puppy-dog eyes until everyone goes “d’awww maybe it’s treason but it’s JUST SO CUTE.” Yeah, campers, the career grifter building a ten-story-tall monument to himself out of Emoluments Clause violations is a real anti-corruption warrior. Pay no attention to the massive proposed cuts to anti-corruption funding in Ukraine behind the curtain, by the way. Or the dozens of tunnels he’s dug from the U.S. treasury to his own bank account. Just be sure he runs through a metal detector on his way out the door so he doesn’t sneak off with the Monroe silver*.

Jared Kushner, the political genius who brought peace to the Middle East and proposed the universally-lauded firing of Jim Comey, thinks Kim Jong-un looks up to Fat Q*Bert as a “father figure.” Anyway, the old George Michael lyric “I will be your father figure/Put your tiny hand in mine” keeps popping into my head now, if you’re wondering why I’m cackling like a community theatre actor auditioning for the Joker.

E. Jean Carroll is suing the Velveeta Vulgarian for defamation, following his predictably vile attacks on her character when she accused him of sexual assault. I confess I initially thought this was old news, confusing it with Summer Zervos’ similar suit. The president has sexually assaulted so many women, you see, it can be difficult to keep straight.

Tell you what, let’s take a quick peek beyond the national headlines, down among the common folk here in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, where the hate trickles down even if the wealth doesn’t.

In Colorado, a white supremacist was arrested before he was able to carry out a planned synagogue bombing, and I suppose it’s comforting that Bronco Billy Barr still allows the FBI to investigate these shitbags; every jailed white boy terrorist is one less Trump voter, after all. Meanwhile a different group of white supremacists tried filming some shitty little home movie (doubtlessly a lament on the deceitfulness of the internet’s many alleged penis enlargement products) in front of the new, bulletproof, Emmett Till memorial, which, yes, is bulletproof now for exactly the reason you’d think.

We could also talk about the Indiana CVS employee who refused to sell cold medicine to a Purdue University student on account of his Puerto Rican driver’s license, although, to be fair, if the President and his staff don’t understand that Puerto Rico is part of the United States, it hardly seems fair to hold every rank-and-file Johnny Klansman to a higher standard.

Then there’s the Buffalo Wild Wings in the Chicago burbs that apparently feels comfortable asking their black patrons to switch tables, lest their mere presence disturb the tranquility of the restaurant’s ragin’ racist regulars.

And don’t forget the human horror who picked a fight with a Hispanic man, shouted a bunch of hateful shit at him, and then THREW BATTERY ACID IN HIS FACE. You know, I don’t think we’ve quite arrived at that post-racial society just yet, no matter what your Republican friends on social media say.

The Shart House has had quite enough of this whole Extremely Damning Testimony Before the Impeachment Inquiry thing, thank you very much, and they’re defying subpoenas again. Adam Schiff shrugged that shit off, like “Ah dang, you got me brah, guess I’ll just have more evidence for the phat obstruction of justice article of impeachment I’ve got on my desk, right next to the candy jar you could never hope to open with your pathetic baby fingers.”

Of course, now that we’re getting a look at the transcripts from previous witnesses, I can’t say as I blame the Dotard, this stuff is equal parts incriminating and embarrassing (embarrminating?). State Department employees calling Sean Hannity to figure out just what the fuck was going on in their own government? Jesus. We’re not even a banana republic, we’re a banana-flavored Laffy Taffy republic.

Donnie Two-Scoops may not be cooperating with the impeachment inquiry, but guess who is? Lev Parnas, Rudy Giuliani’s literal-and-possibly-also-figurative-like-maybe-they-go-to-brunch-together partner in crime! Lev can tell us all kinds of fun stuff about how him n’ Rudy toured Ukraine in search of Biden dirt, and I don’t mean at gardening supply stores.

The Michael Jordan, the Wayne Gretzky, the very GOAT of Losing in Court, Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “Jesus, I lose in court all the fucking time) lost in court yet again, as a three-judge panel rejected his pathetic “I have total immunity from subpoenas because of this very special Magic: the Gathering card” argument, and ordered him to fork over the damn tax returns, already. In the end, I suppose it’ll be up to Supreme Court to decide this shit once and for all, assuming Kavanaugh ever sobers up enough to take the case.

Also, the Hairplug That Ate Decency took another big, ugly, step towards pulling the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Agreement, because really, why should he limit his destructive treachery to just those Americans alive during his term?

Plus I see the five paragons of white mediocrity who make up the Citrus Country, Florida Board of Commissioners decided to block their library system’s request for funding to cover digital subscriptions to the New York Times, merrily bellowing “fake news” and other attacks on the press, because we’re doing this fun thing in this country lately where we normalize fascism.

Ok, that’s what I’ve got for ya tonight, Resisters. Internet’s still down at my place, so forgive me if I missed anything, being out in public this long drives me insane. I’m gonna drive back to my cave now, and snarl at anyone who gets too close to the windows.

*Does silver set off a metal detector? Fuck, I don’t care, you want science, follow Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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