I honestly can’t tell the difference anymore between reading the news and having a dozen evil clowns shriek directly into my ear while punching me in the temples. If it’s the clown thing, I apologize, but on the off chance that all this shit is really happening in real life, let’s get to chroniclin’.

Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified before Adam Schiff’s Impeachment Inquiry and Jug Band, delivering the most damaging testimony for Hairplug Himmler yet, which is particularly impressive, considering the doddering old bastard personally released a partial transcript confessing to Dagwood-sandwich-sized crimes.

Early leaks of Vindman’s testimony rattled Team Treasonweasel so badly they quickly deployed the only tactic in their scumbag quiver, dispatching the handful of pond scum surrogates still willing to lash their reputations to a sinking, rotten, disease-ridden, ship to slander the Purple Heart recipient as a deep state, NeverTrump, foreign spy who kicks puppies and actually knows how to tie a necktie like a grownup unlike REAL MURICANS who let that shit dangle down to the gawdamn shinbones.

CNN’s new MAGAjag contributor, Sean Duffy, drew that odious duty, and executed it with repulsive enthusiasm. Isn’t it cool that a malicious buffoon like Duffy can obtain spectacular wealth just by popping up on television now and then to blather nonsensically? It’s really not that different from being Pee Wee Herman, frankly, except rather than delighting an audience of children young enough to reasonably still believe in Santa Claus, Sean’s out there mugging for brainwashed idiots who think Hillary Clinton runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza joint. Oh, and they vote.

Aside from testifying that there was enough quid pro quo for six seasons and movie, Vindman also mentioned that the so-called “transcript” President Crotchvoid released was edited, and the full version did indeed, as we have long suspected, contain even MORE evidence n’ crimez n’ Burger King ketchup stains. They also cut a 10-minute long segment where Littlefinger demanded to know where Zelensky was hiding the giant Transformer robots, because he’d stayed up late watching cartoons, and he was terrified the limo he rides around in to avoid contact with the peasants would turn into a robot dude while he was still inside.

Oh, and a Shart House lawyer responded to various “hey, maybe the President shouldn’t be running our foreign policy like an extortion racket” complaints by hiding the Zelensky call on a private server and telling Vindman “snitches get stitches, so keep yer mouth shut,” probably out of abundant caution that the American people simply couldn’t handle the blinding purity of such a perfect call.

Another witness, fellah by the name of Tim Morrison, says yes there was quid pro quo, but he personally thinks it wasn’t illegal. Now, that’s not really up to Tim, and he’s 31 flavors of wrong, but it’s good enough for Gym Jordan and his gang of feral enablers.

Much to my surprise, Devin Nunes’ staff isn’t made up solely of pigs he’s fucking; there’s also Kashyap Patel, who gained Sharty McFly’s ear on Ukraine policy not by being, as he represented himself, an experienced Ukraine expert, but because he told the doddering old twit exactly what he wanted to hear. Suddenly, I’m thinking of breaking away from a White House tour, sneaking into the Oval, telling him I’m the Ghost of Xmas Future, and that if he resigns, Ivanka will finally fuck him.

And House Democrats voted on rules for the coming Impeachment Hearings and Treasonous Twatwaffle Dunk Tank Faire, including public hearings, to the chagrin of Republicans, who had been demanding….um…clearly-stated rules and public hearings. It’s not only wanting to have your cake and eat it, too, but also demanding pie, and Skittles, and Beef Wellington, and a pony, and by the way how dare you suggest I ever asked for cake? Look, Republican voters don’t WANT representatives who behave rationally, and we should just accept that.

Needless to say, the Cruise Ship Magician Goalpost Sleight of Hand continues, because Republicans know they’re utterly fucked on the facts of the case. The play seems to be “none of the testimony given so far counts, and we must throw it all out because…look, because we really really want to.” It’s almost adorable, in a wannabe-fascist kinda way, like Care Bears with little Hitler mustaches.

So the NCAA announced some fairly mild rule changes, finally allowing student athletes to profit from their own names, images, and likenesses, and North Carolina Senator Richard Burr’s version of a Spidey Sense, which tingles whenever any minority-heavy group (like, say, college athletes) threatens to break through the barriers of institutional white supremacy to achieve financial independence, went off. Dickie won’t lift a finger to shut down the concentration camps, but he’s right on top of this “under-taxed non-white young people” problem suddenly plaguing the nation.

I almost hesitate to bring this up, it’s so Normal and Ordinary, but the Missouri state health director, a Republican appointee (as if you need to be told that), keeps himself a little spreadsheet, tracking the menstrual periods of patients at the Show-Me State’s last remaining Planned Parenthood clinic. Yup. Typical, boring, everyday stuff. Why, I bet you checked the Menstrual-Cycles-of-Women-I’ve-Never-Met app on your phone six or seven times just since you started reading this blog post.

The annual growth rate reported for the third quarter was only 1.9%, well below the Velveeta Vulgarian’s grandiose promises. While we’re on that little topic, we should mention that he’s also breaking other promises, for example to lower prescription drug prices, and to support popular, common-sense, gun control measures. I’m sure we’ll get a check from Mexico for that wall any day now, though.

Turns out Republican political operatives, potentially all the way up to the NRCC, were involved in the plot to destroy Congresswoman Katie Hill’s career with revenge porn provided by her dirtbag loser ex. Obviously the only missing ingredient in this sordid turd-and-tapeworm stew was little Georgie Papaderpaderp, whose delusions of adequacy are apparently pushing him towards running for Hill’s seat.

…I guess it’s nice to have some comic relief on the schedue, if only to break up the monotony of incompetence and atrocity. Speaking of which, Roger Stone’s trial starts next week. Heh.

Did you see where there are now 400,000 more uninsured children in the U.S. than there were when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot first took office? See, this is what the Republican Party is REALLY all about: if you filthy taker plebe kids wanted health insurance, you should’ve had the good sense to pop out of some rich lady’s vagina, sucks to be you, stop breathing all the job-creators’ air, now that we’re thinking about it get a job you bum, no we won’t pay a living wage, we’ll just under-compensate you while we steal the best years of your life and once your labor isn’t useful to our donor class anymore, piss on ya, please have the decency to die quickly, quietly, and somewhere out of sight.

With stats like these, you understand why Donnie Dotard has resorted to outright lying about the monthly jobs numbers, don’t you?

Michele Bachmann says, of her Turd Emperor, “We have not seen a president with greater moral clarity than this president.” I mean, you see where she’s coming from. Lincoln freed the slaves, but only Trump could charge the Secret Service to pee. I guess those hundreds of thousands of uninsured kids and all the newly-released ISIS prisoners are aspects of all that “moral clarity.” Ok, obviously I’m not really arguing in good faith here, I think we all understand that what Michele means is “Donald Trump is a faux evangelical white supremacist, and as a faux evangelical white supremacist, I like that.”

Speaking of white supremacists (smooth, if tragic, segue, Cap) the VeryFine Administration has apparently been flirting with an elaborate, Rube Goldberg, bit of procedural Twister to install MegaRacist Scrotum Rash Ken Cuccinelli (who you may remember as the guy who yelled at the Statue of Liberty for not being hateful enough) as Acting DHS Secretary. It would be awesome if Senate Republicans opposed the Cooch because he’s a hate-driven racist monster, but if they want to keep him away from immense political power mostly because he’s also a great big doo-doo-headed jerk, well, I’ll take my victories where I can find ‘em these days.

There’s a fun little article in Politico about how Fat Q*Bert gets to bribe Republican Senators, aka His Impeachment Jury, by tapping his Rube Army for that sweet, sweet, campaign donation cash. What a great system we’ve got here, huh?

So, the personal attorney to the President of the United States, while serving as his cybersecurity advisor, apparently, as recently as 2017, had to go the Apple Store because he locked his befuddled ass out of his own fucking iPhone. Also, he fucked his cousin. Anyway, something something something The Best People.

While we’re laughing at major conservative figures over mistakes that would make them the laughingstock of any fourth grade playground, let’s point and giggle at Ann Coulter, for her snarling, imperious, insistence that the good people of Hawaii have such shitty judgement that they made Tulsi Fucking Gabbard a U.S. Senator*. Have you ever noticed that white supremacists tend to be kinda…subpar?

Hey, welcome to the Resistance, Mike Pompeo! The State Department, after some empty posturing about refusing to cooperate, will indeed be turning over documents relating to Cousin Rudy’s Excellent Ukrainian Ratfucking Adventure and other bits of potential diplomatic shitbaggery. No word at this time if this document dump will include text messages between career officials asking WHAT THE LIVING SHIT IS THIS COUSIN-FUCKING MORON DOING?!?!? or not.

The Republican Party of Minnesota isn’t like those other cowardly state GOPs, cancelling their 2020 primaries just to placate their Turd Emperor’s fragile ego, oh no! They’re having a primary, they’re just not allowing any other names on the ballot. Quake in terror of the mighty Mark Sanford, kids!

Alaska GOP Congressweirdo Don Young wasn’t in the mood to answer questions today, so he just head-butted a journalist’s camera instead. Just thought I’d mention that.

Well, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk is packing up the entire Crook Family Robinshart and movin’ down to sunny Florida! Smarter folks than yer humble drunken blogger speculate the move is designed to dodge even more taxes, because where’s the fun in bilking the U.S. treasury out of millions of dollars if you’ve just got to turn around and give some of it back? And of course this is just one more desperate contortion to keep those naughty tax returns out of sight; the man’s piss hooker budget must be truly obscene.

Republicans may not mind that President Gas Station Urinal Cake is holding the door open for every foreign nation and probably a few alien planets (Hey Venusians! Got any dirt on Hunter Biden?) to interfere in American elections, but boy howdy, they’re pissed off that Congresswoman Katie Porter dressed up as Batgirl for Halloween. Personally I’d like a written list of conservative priorities, in order. Does “superhero costume” fall somewhere between “tan suit” and “open treason,” or is it a more serious offense, like “use private e-mail unless you’re Trump’s children. Or Wilbur Ross. Or Stephen Miller. Or Reince Priebus. Or fuck it, I’ve got to end this paragraph sometime, but you get the picture.”

But slow your roll, Resisters! The Very Stable Genius has outmaneuvered us once again, and the impeachment battle is over before it even begins! Yes, with his brilliant plan to address the American people directly, and read the (doctored) “transcript” of his call with President Zelensky in a sort of “fireside chat,” he’s simply got us outflanked, with his sublime “confess over and over again” strategy.

Hey friends, the ACA’s open enrollment period started today. The Die Serfs Die Administration has slashed, and re-slashed, outreach funding, because they don’t want Americans to have the health insurance they’re legally entitled to (yeah, I think it’s weird, too), so we’ve gotta step up and fill that void. Use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!

Fuck, I’m worn out. To make matters worse, the internet went down in my apartment this afternoon, so I wrote this at a Starbucks, where they don’t sell, or it turns out, even ALLOW beer. Whose stupid motherfucking idea was THAT?

*Ok, so there aren’t a lot of playgrounds where you get bullied for insufficient knowledge of the makeup of the U.S. Senate, BUT MAYBE THERE SHOULD BE.