Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Happy Flush Alex Jones Day, Everybody!
I’m probably gonna regret saying this…I know we’re nowhere near out of the woods yet, and I know things will probably get worse before they get better. Still, sifting through the usual shitstorm of madness today…is it my imagination or was there just a weeeeee bit more good news than bad?
One major asshole getting pegged to the wall at his much-anticipated trial. Another facing a long-overdue downfall. The NRA bleeding support and money. Our magnificent field of House and Senate candidates surging. (And for more on them, don’t forget to check out Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms!)
Things aren’t great, certainly. Things aren’t normal, or even close to it. But things could be, and have been worse, so…looking around today’s news…let’s just say, I’ll take it.
Anything interesting happen since we last talked? I see Government Cheese Goebbels openly confessed that his dipshit son tried to illegally conspire with agents of the Russian government to influence the 2016 election, that was a thing.
What really should’ve been headline news was that upon learning the President’s campaign admitted to committing a serious fucking crime against the United States of America and her citizens, the Republican Party did precisely jack shit about it. Paul Ryan? Mitch McConnell? Totally down with colluding with a hostile foreign power against their own countrymen. Won’t call a hearing, won’t give a statement, won’t even wave a tiny American flag around for a minute, such is their utter and complete lack of love of country.
In the aftermath of You-Bet I-Did-It-gate, I guess it was Trumpal Lawyer Jay Sekulow’s turn to bumble around the Sunday Shoz belching up horsehit about how facts change sometimes if you feed them after midnight.
More like SekuLIE, amiright? AMIRIGHT?!?
Some reports claim Fat Q*Bert has grown concerned that his treasonous campaign may have gotten his rock-headed son into serious legal trouble, but that would imply that he’s capable of normal human emotions, so I don’t buy it.
“I’d pardon ya, son, but remember all those years you gave me coupons for Free Hugs for my birthday? You can rot in jail, you cheap shit!”
Hope Hicks, who is abso-fucking-lutely a key witness in God knows how many aspects of the Mueller investigation, took a ride with Il Douche aboard Air Force One to one of his little Klan rallies, and every voice in the right wing loonosphere who screeched endlessly about the Dread Clinton/Lynch Tarmac Meeting immediately applied the same standards to their own side, and obviously nobody’s buying that but I already committed to the gag so you’re just gonna have to ride out the rest of this sentence with me, aren’t you, CUCK?
Anyway, Weehands McNodick, feeling down on account of the walls closing in on him and his shitty grifter family, decided to engage in one of his favorite hobbies: feebly assaulting successful black people, which he enjoys because he is as racist as he is insecure, which means holy shit he is super-duper racist.
This doddering old twerp wants to go after Don Lemon and LeBron James? LeBron James is the best on the motherfucking planet at what he does, and he’s in the news these days for a breathtakingly inspirational act of charity. Meanwhile, President Crotchvoid is being sued for illegally misappropriating funds from his “charitable foundation,” and had to work out a special signal with General Kelly to make up an excuse to get him out of a meeting when his diaper fills up.
Donnie Dotard is so uncontrollably racist that he bucked the advice of everyone around him to endorse his old chum KKKris KKKobach in the tomorrow’s GOP primary for the Kansas governor’s race. Hey, what’re you gonna do? They’re both white supremacists grifters. Shit, if it turned out KKKris wants to fuck Ivanka, too, they’d practically be soulmates.
Even I can’t figure out what the fuck is going on with the Bonespur Buttplug’s California wildfire tweets. He seems to think…I dunno, that Jerry Brown is ordering hippies to hoard water in their bathtubs so firefighters can’t fight fires? It’s a miracle this man gets his pants on every day. A MIRACLE.
Has the Saudi Arabia/Canada war started yet? In a world with a Massive Void Reeking of Overdone Steak Farts where American leadership used to be, the Saudis feel comfortable responding to any criticism of their human rights abuses by expelling diplomats! And suspending trade and investments! And BANNING ALL DIRECT FLIGHTS TO CANADA. Anyway, we’re at the “Tweeting threatening photos” stage already, and I have to confess I’m increasingly curious to see who ends up on which side in WWIII.
Mitch McConnell announced that he’s running for re-election in 2020, and I for one am positively DELIGHTED that we’ll get to take him out with the rest of the trash. Two years flailing ineffectively in the minority followed by a long-awaited electoral spanking seems like a fitting coda to Yertle’s long America-wrecking career.
So I see Rand Paul took a little field trip…to Moscow. And he made some friends! Rand is such good friends with the Russians who lied to his face about interfering in the 2016 election, that he invited them to come over to our house sometime, for Hostess snack cakes and perhaps a rousing game of Exploding Kittens. Rumors are flying that Senator Paul offered help his new buds break Maria Butina out of prison if they’d agree to help him beat the living fuck out of his neighbor.
Speaking of Russia, they seem to have appointed Steven Seagal as a Special Envoy to the United States in the field of Nothing Matters Anymore So Why the Fuck Not We’ll All Be Dead in A Hundred Years Anyway.
So. That was the bad news.
Now, for a refreshing change of pace, today it is my great pleasure introduce you to a special subsection of the ol’ blog:
Let’s call it…BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO GARBAGE PEOPLE
Exhibit A: “DR.” SEBASTIAN GORKA!
Poor Seb! Even the propagandists at Fux Nooz won’t invite him to spit up his fascist rantings on th’teevee. If times get too hard, you can always set up a booth where you let people punch you in the tummy for a dollar. People loooooooooove punchin’ Nazis!
Exhibit B: PRECOCIOUS PAUL MANAFORT!
Ukraine Paulie’s old business partner Rick Gates took the stand this afternoon. The prosecutors asked:
“So Ricky. What would you and Paul do when you hung out? Would you bake cupcakes?”
“Would you team up to try to beat Contra? Maybe even without the Konami code?”
“No sir. Paul’s hand-eye coordination wasn’t good enough for that.”
“Well then what would you do?”
Yeah…with every passing day now, Paul seems exponentially more…#Manafucked.
(Perhaps the real tragedy here is that Manafort originally purchased his famous ostrich coat…as a birthday present for Rick Gates.)
Exhibit C: MR. ALEX JONES!
This section is….nnnnnnnnnghhhhh…NSFW. This is EROTIC. I’m gonna call this “decency porn,” I think. After nearly two years of watching the shittiest people imaginable fuck up my country, day in and day out, watching one of the leading turdweasels of the 21st century finally, FINALLY get some comeuppance is…fuck, y’all, I’ll be right back, I need to change into rubber pants before I write this section.
Facebook? Banned. YouTube? Banned. Apple? Deleted. Spotify? Fuck you, Alex. Pinterest? NO MORE SHIRTLESS BBQ PICS, I GUESS. Stitcher? I don’t even know what the fuck that is, I literally heard of them for the first time in an article about them banning InfoWars.
I think he’s still on MySpace, if he can remember his password. After that, InfoWars’ biggest platform will be the wall behind the urinals at Ma Bucket’s Hog Trough Bar n’ Grill, where if you scratch Ma’s hemorrhoids for ten minutes you get a discount on meth.
Anyway, Alex is whining and moaning and wondering how much his collection of Dick Tracy action figures will fetch on eBay, and it’s all quite delightful to watch.
…I’ll give you a minute to clean yourself up if you need to.
Exhibit D: EVEN BOSS SHART HIMSELF!
Following the latest act of patriotic dissent, excuse me, I mean “shameful act of vandalism, wink wink,” the West Hollywood City Council is voting on a resolution to remove Strawberry Shartcake’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame once and for all, citing his various acts of inhuman fuckery. Me, I think we can work out a compromise. See, if you simply build a port-a-potty atop the star, I think everyone will walk away happy.
It’s amusing, if terrifying, to understand that this news will bother the President more than his failure to enact transformative health care legislation.
See? For today at least, we’ve got the bad guys on their heels. I’m sure there are plenty of dark days ahead of us, so take a breath and enjoy this one while you can.
And if you need more good news, check out Michelle Obama’s new voter registration initiative.
…if you need even more than that to pick up your mood, I guess you’ll just have to turn to drink.