Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
I Can’t Believe I Stopped Laughing at Roger Stone Long Enough to Write This
Shit remains utterly, uncontrollably, cray, but I confess it’s a great deal more bearable when the good guys are on offense, chalking up wins. So let’s keep a spring in our step as we wade through the thigh-high muck this week, shall we?
Well, the public impeachment hearings are underway, preempting daytime soaps and Press Your Luck reruns across the nation, with House Democrats and a handful of patriotic civil servants doing their level best to save the country from the gangsters who would, given the chance, unhesitatingly use the U.S. Constitution to wipe the fingerprints off the candlestick they’d bludgeon Adam Schiff to death with.
On the other side, snarling Republican goons, who have chosen to spend their precious time on this Earth fighting tooth and nail for the Trump clan’s right to steal anything that’s not nailed down, in hopes of living off their sloppy scraps, I suppose. The task of defending an obviously guilty human shitstain is neither easy nor enviable, of course, but holy shit these clowns still suck at it.
Conservative pundits are all “Read the Constitution, libtards! It doesn’t specifically say Extorting Vulnerable Allies for Dirt on Joe Biden and his Large Adult Son is an impeachable offense!” like they’ve just solved the riddle of the fucking Sphinx. “…oh, and while we’re on the subject, the Constitution is also conspicuously silent on the impeachability of lapping hooker pee off Russian bedsheets like a goddamn Pekingese. No I don’t bring that up for any particular reason.”
Because we live in Hell, a prominent HAWT TAKE on the televised hearings that laid out evidence of the President of the United States running the nation’s foreign policy as an extortion ring for personal gain was that they lacked…PIZZAZZ. Now, in addition to being one more terrifying, standards-lowering, brick in the depressing, justice-annihilating, road that seeks to replace information with entertainment, the criticism was also totally unfair, as the sparkly, glow-in-the-dark, pasties Chairman Schiff wore during his closing statement can be found, in the Oxford Frickin’ English Dictionary, RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF PIZZAZZ.
We learned that Gordon Sondland, famous for being U.S. Ambassador to the European Union, as well as for having his nuts in a rapidly-tightening vice, took his duties so seriously that he called President Crotchrot from Kiev on an unsecured personal cellphone, guaranteeing that every Tom, Vlad, and Harry foreign intelligence service intercepted the call. Oddly enough, the GOP, who seemed like a party concerned with little else BUT information security when Hillary Clinton’s private server was in the headlines, seems to have no problem with this breach, or even that one time Fat Q*Bert fed the Russians classified intelligence right in the very Oval Office. You know, I’m starting to have concerns about the consistency of these folks’ ethical stances.
Ohio Republicans, in a quest to render the children who go through their public school system permanently unemployable, want to give kids the “freedom” to overrule dumb ol’ history and science with personal religious beliefs, and if we don’t swing this country back, hard and fast, we’re gonna wind up with lessons in bloodletting and leech application in Home Ec.
A report from the State Department’s Inspector General finds that Treasonweasel Administration political appointees improperly retaliated against an official, partially because of her ethnicity, another shocking example of white supremacists doing white supremacist things. Stephen Miller’s gotta be wondering, “how many Federalist Society thugs do we have to appoint to the courts before we get to just hang a Whites Only sign on the entire executive branch? SHEESH!”
(Yes, Miller still holds his powerful Shart House post, despite the recent discovery of his hellaciously racist emails; it would take barely a thimbleful of decency to fire him, but may as well ask for the whole dang Grand Canyon when it comes to Government Cheese Goebbels.)
Having lost in every court along the way, the Marmalade Shartcannon now takes his battle to Please Please Please Let Me Hide My Tax Returns Putin Owns Me So Hard He Literally Carved His Initials Onto My Fucking Kidneys to the Supreme Court, where he has appointed two Justices. He’s a couple televised hearings away from turning up on Kavanaughty’s stoop with a sixer of Schlitz, offering to play Devil’s Triangle.
Oh hey, Redactor General Billy Barr’s corrupting ooze apparently has yet to seep into every recess of the Justice Department, because guess who has his very own brand new campaign finance violation investigation? Freshman Florida Congressjag ROSS SPANO, that’s who! Ross just barely squeaked into the House last fall, so I say let’s boot this crook before the furniture in his new office has time to get dusty.
News of yet another tragic school shooting broke at the precise moment Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, an unusually useless right-wing rubber stamp in a caucus filled with useless right-wing rubber stamps, blocked a bipartisan universal background check bill, a perfect real-time reminder that the business of the Republican Party is producing a never-ending line of lives cut short, families torn by grief, and extensions to Wayne LaPierre’s house. For those who would like to pry the U.S. Senate out of the NRA’s odious hands, Mike Espy announced he’s seeking a 2020 rematch over Cindy’s seat. It’s a longshot, sure, but imagine the rewards if we pull it off…
Following longstanding family tradition, Shitweasel, Jr., cheated his way to the top of the (Failing) New York Times Best Sellers List, with the help of some bulk purchases from the Party of Lincoln Well Not Anymore Mostly We Just Enrich the Trumps Nowadays But Lincoln Was Cool Once Upon a Time. Honestly, I’m not even mad; if the RNC wants to piss away donor money to fluff a pampered rich boy’s ego rather than investing in Congressional races, I’ll fucking lug the boxes for ‘em. So long as they pay me. In donor money.
Apparently worried that Texas’ transformation into a swing state was going too slowly, the Turdmaggot Administration escalated the legal battle to seize (or “steal” if you’re feeling frisky and/or honest) private land for Boss Shart’s Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants. This must be that “small government” conservatives are always lecturing us about. So Donald Trump can just take our stuff now? If you try pulling this eminent domain shit on my Weird Al Funko Pop, it’s not gonna go well for you, Smallhands.
The Shart House released the transcript of an earlier call between Tangerine Idi Amin and Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky, the idea apparently being to show what a very good boy Wee Don can be, because he doesn’t commit crimes on every single call he makes. Hilariously, these clowns still managed to step on their own dicks, as they had previously claimed this call demonstrated Littlefinger’s heroic commitment to rooting out corruption, and while the transcript depicts a great deal of moronic rambling about beauty pageants, corruption doesn’t come up at all. I mean, I assume they’re doctoring the fuck out of these transcripts, and they still wind up with their heads in bedpans. How? HOW?!?!?
Anyway, back to the hearings.
The Velveeta Vulgarian engaged in a little light witness-intimidation-by-tweet right in the middle of Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch’s testimony, I guess because he was unable to convince Matt Gaetz to burst through door, clutching a tire iron, shouting SNITCHES GET STITCHES. Adam Schiff responded by reminding everyone that House Dems have a full pad’s worth of Articles of Impeachment, and they can always go back to Office Depot for more, if needed.
Gym Jordan keeps shitting his pants, and then rubbing the shit all over his face and chest, leading one to marvel at the fact that the House GOP took special measures to transfer him, in all his boneheaded, jacketless, glory, onto the House Intelligence Committee just so that America could watch him smear shit on himself.
House Republicans generally used their time during the hearings to raise awareness of the crucial issue of What Brainless Jackasses House Republicans Are. Unable to defend their Turd Emperor’s astonishingly-well-documented crimes, the fallback tactic seems to be Procedural Tantrum Theatre; Jordan and Nunes found their long-sought third stooge in Rep. Elise Stefanik, who was apparently the victim of the greatest abuse of power in American history when she was forced to follow committee rules and wait her turn to speak.
This has, obviously, been a very difficult week for the Kompromat Kid. Lucky for him, he’s got a true friend in Nancy Pelosi, lending him a helping hand with lifelong struggles such as “what words in English mean.”
And yes, the long arm of the law finally, FINALLY caught up with Ratfucking Buttpimple Roger Stone, who was convicted by a jury of his peers* on all seven counts he faced. And now, yeah, we sit back and wait while that experimental-hair-tonic-addled brain tries to game out whether he could survive the impeachment trial if he pardons his favorite co-conspirator; for tonight at least, we get to point and laugh at one of the very worst men in America, brought down at long last…I will fucking well drink to that.
The Candycorn Skidmark is certainly taking the power of the pardon out for a test drive tonight, letting a handful of motherfucking war criminals off the hook for their atrocities. Billionaires, white supremacists, and war criminals…helluva constituency you’ve got there, Shart-O.
Anyway, after the day’s public hearing, House Intel went back behind closed doors to interview a fellah named David Holmes, who confirmed earlier testimony about overhearing a phone call between Sondland and the Sunny D-Bag himself, about how the whole damn nation of Ukraine can go fuck itself if they don’t help him smear Joe Biden, obliterating the feeble “Rudy and Gordo were freelancing” defense, and pushing the President further than ever into the Zone of You Are Really Quite Fucked Now, Shitbag. Holmes will take his testimony public next week, tee fucking hee.
And there’s more to be happy about tonight, Resisters! Big voting rights win down in Florida! Planned Parenthood kicking ass and taking names (and $$$$$$) in court! And of course, I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON MY CAR INSURANCE!
Ok, that last bit is a lie; the rule of threes is a rule, dammit. But I do have something super-exciting coming very soon, and I hope you’ll stay tuned, I think you’ll dig it, Shower Captives. Till then, stay safe out there
*Obviously, Stone has no peers, only superiors.
PS Holy fuckballs a guy can’t even get a poo joke blog up without major fucking news breaking!