Hey, happy Muellerversary, everybody! It’s been a whole year of our Special Counsel handing out subpoenas and indictments, keeping a certain spray-tanned grifter’s sheets drenched in terror sweat.  Have yourself a cupcake to celebrate.  Or a beer.  I’m having a beer.

So, the Scumfuck Administration wants to detain the hundreds of immigrant children they’re prying away from their families at the border on military bases, precisely the horrifying environment young minds need to develop the sort of trauma that will follow them their entire lives. Weird how when you elect the shittiest people you can find to govern your country, they keeping doing the shittiest imaginable things, isn’t it?

Team Treasonweasel’s primary legal defense strategy seems to covering their ears with both hands and shutting their eyes as hard as possible in the hopes that their problems magically disappear. It’s…not going well.

Take, for example, Precious Paul Manafort, who tried to get his charges dismissed by arguing “Just because I’ve committed a fuckton of crimes doesn’t mean Robert Mueller has any right to investigate ‘em,” a novel, if completely ineffective gambit. Now more than ever, Paulie, you are truly…#Manafucked.

Also, Summer Zervos’ defamation suit can proceed, despite the President’s lawyers saying they’d really really really rather it didn’t. (Another amusingly novel legal theory at work here, as Team Shart argues calling a private citizen a Big Fat Fucking Liar is “political speech.”)

And finally, Rudy Giuliani continued his Helping So Hard media tour by falling back on the confidence-exuding “You can’t indict a sitting President” defense. What if we catch him while he’s GOLFING, Rudy? Can we indict him then?

Fat Q*Bert released a legally-mandated financial disclosure form the other day, and oh, what’s this? Did he neglect to mention the six-figure hush money payoff reimbursement to his shady-ass “lawyer” last year? “My bad, I get so forgetful cuz of the experimental hair tonic that warps my brain chemistry. Yeah, this means I broke the law, but when you’ve got an obsequious congress plus an entire wing of the media willing to parrot your excuses and distortions, you don’t ever need to worry about silly things like consequences.”

Still, the Office of Government Ethics referred the matter over to Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein at DoJ (which, as always, I encourage the reader to pronounce “dooj”) as though he doesn’t have enough executive branch malfeasance on his plate. I’m starting to think Jeff Sessions recused himself mainly to avoid the fucking hassle, amiright? AMIRIGHT?

Condolences go out to anyone still hanging onto the belief that bad guys get what’s coming to them in the end, as disgraced former CongressPerv Blake Farenthold has already landed a six-figure gig…lobbying congress! Just to rub a little salt in the wound, Blake has announced plans to spend 100% of his salary of flannel jammies, leaving precisely zero dollars to reimburse the American taxpayer for the sexual harassment settlement that sent him a-scurrying home in the first place. Disney lied to us, folks.

Through it all, Rugged Robert Mueller continues compiling his Naughty and Nice lists, determining who gets candy and toys, and who gets socks and indictments. Whose garbage is the Bobadook poking around in this week? Well, he’s subpoenaed Roger Stone’s social media guy, possibly in search of old discarded love notes from Julian Assange. (“Aha,” proclaimed the rookie FBI agent, “This mash note has been scented with a fragrance sold only in the gift shop at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London!” A heavy hand fell on his shoulder. “That’s excellent work, Doug,” said the Special Counsel, who then returned to his Candy Crush game.)

Also, the Justice Department and the FBI are independently looking the various fuckeries perpetrated by Steve Bannon’s merry gang of digital gremlins, Cambridge Analytica. This dovetails nicely into the story of the CA whistleblower testifying before Senate Judiciary about the company’s voter suppression operations, which to my eye seem to have been rather infuriatingly effective.

…you don’t have to look too hard to find voices on social media urging you to abandon the Democratic Party for various perceived heresies. Telling you to stay home, or to throw your vote away on a useless wad of cud like Jill Stein. These voices elected Trump once, and they’re hellbent on doing it again. I know y’all know that already, I just don’t want you to be shy in calling ‘em out. There’s too much at stake.

What’s this? Due to all the dipshit trade war posturing, China is now forgoing American soybeans in favor of…Russian soybeans? Fucking OF COURSE. Honestly, at this point I just hope Vlad is paying our President a fair salary…if all this really is just over a pee tape, I’ll be offended, because we’re getting ripped off.

Poor Donnie Dotard. He’d already cleared space on his desk for that Nobel Peace Prize, and he’d even worked up a speech about how much peacier his peace is when compared to Obama’s peace, and then those big ol’ meanies in North Korea did that thing that LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM SAID THEY’D DO, announcing they had no intentions of giving up their precious nukes, though they will happily accept the credibility that comes with a summit where King Jong-un stands next to the American President as an equal.

So now Sharty McFly stares wistfully at the empty, Nobel-less space, wondering how to fill it. The media seems to be on to the “fake Time Magazine cover” bit, so maybe a fake golf trophy?

The Failing New York Times published a fascinating deep dive into the early days of the Russia investigation, code named “Crossfire Hurricane” because I guess “Fuckhead Shitstorm” was taken. NYT even squeezed in a little “hey, this is why we published that article during the election saying the Russia investigation was a big fat nothingburger, sorry for our role in the downfall of western democracy BUT HER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-MAILZ!!!!!” bullshit, because they’re still washin’ their hands like Lady Macbeth. Cool.

Well, the Senate Intelligence Committee says that yuh huh, Russia sure did dick around in our election, and they did it to help the dumber, balder, racister candidate win, maybe because they wanted to undermine the west, or maybe because wanted to make overcooked steaks fashionable, who can say? This contradicts the findings of the House panel, who released their own report a while back, with Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes insisting Drumpfy is “the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.”

Also, the Senate panel sez the Russians used the NRA as part of their Shart-boostin’ campaign, kind of like when Two-Face and the Joker team up to KILL THE BATMAN.

Meanwhile the Senate Judiciary Committee released Scrotum Tumor, Jr.’s testimony about the famous Gimmie Dat Hot Collusion Action Drumpf Dower meeting, reminding everyone of the ridiculousness of their legal strategy, which amounts to, “Holy fuck did I ever want to collude, I was positively horny to collude, I tried as hard as a pampered little idiot white boy possibly can to collude, but the Russkies just didn’t have anything.”

…good luck with that, Junior.

Michael Cohen’s defenders (and let’s just pause to imagine what it must be like to want to defend a petty goon like Micky Dead-Eyes) like to pretend he’s the victim of some vast deep-state conspiracy, but look; when you’re stumbling around, telling every foreign official you come across “Pay me a million bucks for access to our very stupid, very bribable new President,” your office is gonna get raided sooner or later, bro, no matter how many cell phones you have.

Rex Tillerson, who spent a year rampaging through the State Department with a hatchet and a crowbar, dismantling America’s ability to conduct diplomacy in service to a Constitution-shredding thug, popped up at a commencement speech to to bemoan a “crisis of ethics and integrity.” Low T-Rex went on to lament, “Oh by the way, if a wannabe dictator offers you a job you’re in no way, shape, or form qualified for, you should turn him do-“HAHAHA just kidding, Tilly doesn’t have that kind of self-awareness, and fuck you, Rex, your window to stand up for Truth and Honesty closed quite a while back.

There’s really nothing funnier than watching one of these anti-science Republican fanatics get all smug in conversation an actual scientist. Alabama CongressDoorknob Mo Brooks seemed quite pleased with himself, offering his alternative theory for the rise in ocean levels which SURPRISE has nothing to do with climate change, and everything to do with very large rocks being deposited on the ocean floor, possibly by giant monsters. Probably Cyclops. It’s a little less funny when you remember Mo sits on the Science committee.

Look, I was pretty drunk when I got to the latest Ronan Farrow story…I think it’s something about Michael Cohen having SARS? Or maybe bird flu? Ok, it’s actually about whistleblowers and missing suspicious activity reports (or “SARs,” get it? GET IT?), and it’s pretty dense and not terrifically funny, so just click on the fuckin’ link if you want to know more.

Nobody is dreading the coming Blue Wave, and the accompanying handover of House committee gavels, more than Scott Pruitt. Called before yet another congressional hearing to account for his veritable cornucopia of scandals, Scott just sat there and lied and deflected, his subtext clearly, “well, I seem to be getting away with all of it, so eat my shit, boys!”

So our President called undocumented immigrants “animals” yesterday. Because he’s racist. Extremely, openly, unapologetically, racist. He stirred up racist hatred, and dehumanized a whole group of people, because that is what he does. That is who he is. No gags, no jokes, the President of the United States is simply a terrible, monstrous, hate-filled, person.

But because the media insists on abiding by a ridiculous set of self-imposed rules that force them to take arguments offered in the worst conceivable faith at face value, somehow we’re back doing the old familiar dance where pundits blather endlessly about whether or not it’s fair to call this Klan-level bigot “racist,” whether his comments referring to HUMAN BEINGS as ANIMALS count as “racist.”

But let’s just cut through the crap because literally everyone understands what’s going on here. The President knows he’s racist. We know he’s racist. His supporters know he’s racist, THAT’S HOW HE BEAT SIXTEEN OTHER REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, lest ye forget. And they just loooooooooove dragging y’all down in endless, bad-faith, internet squabbling. It turns them on. It gets them off. Trolling libtards is what these losers live for; it’s a sad, pathetic, way to walk through life, and you certainly shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

One more time, EVERYONE KNOWS TRUMP IS RACIST AS FUCK. That issue is settled. It’s a matter of whether you believe that racism makes him unfit to be President or not.  And that shit is settled in the voting booth, not on Twitter or Facebook.

And in case you didn’t notice, Sarah Huckabee Slanders and Drumpf himself are having the time of their lives doubling, tripling, quadrupling down, winking at their giggling dirtbag base over all the trolling they’re getting away with, while repeating “Animals! Animals! Animals!” all goddamn day long.

…the tiki-torch-wielding terrorists in Charlottesville weren’t “animals,” you’ll recall, but “very fine people.”

Somebody’s pitching an Avenatti/Scaramucci “Loudmouths Screaming at Each Other” show, because I guess they’re worried America’s level of political discourse isn’t fucking stupid enough yet. Oh well. Still a better idea than that Charlie Rose “Abuser Chats with Other Abusers” abomination. Or the Roseanne reboot.

Now I see Manafort’s former son-in-law has cut a plea deal and rolled over on dear ol’ Dad. Former Dad. In-law. Thanksgiving sure is gonna be weird this year, what with everybody FaceTiming in from different federal prisons.

But the news isn’t all bad! Major victory with the Senate’s net neutrality vote, bipartisan and everything! We seem to be super-close to having enough signatures to force a DACA vote in the House! And I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance AAAAAAAAAYYOOOOOOOOOO pop culture advertising reference bitcheeeeeeeeees!

(I did not, for the record, save any money on my car insurance. In fact, when the insurance company learns that I’ve moved, my premiums will surely increase.)

Well, before I publish tonight, I guess I can loop y’all in on this mockable moment from Chris Hayes’ show tonight, where Bill Gates tells the story of our Future Idiot Manchild President getting HIV and HPV confused. Twice. Sorta makes you wonder if it was really “the pussy” Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was grabbing in the first place…