Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Is Josh Hawley America’s Next Top Fascist? Tune in to Find Out!
Ah, who doesn’t love the promise of a brand new year, particularly one in which the likelihood of the American President tear-gassing peaceful protesters in front of the White House is set to drop so dramatically? ‘Course, you knew 2020 wasn’t gonna let us go without dumping one last steaming bowlful on our heads, right?
Louisiana Congressman-elect Luke Letlow died of COVID-19, and much to my surprise, many of the very same voices who have been minimizing this crisis for months, spreading disease and death throughout the land while the rest of us made daily sacrifices to protect our loved ones, expect me to treat this dude’s death as some sort of tragedy.
It is not, so I won’t. Let’s talk this through.
It seems Letlow was “inconsistent” when it came to behaving with a minimal amount of responsibility during this deadly pandemic; he campaigned with his mask and observed social distancing when he felt like it, but not when he didn’t; a distinction the coronavirus oddly felt no compulsion to acknowledge. Seems he held a maskless “victory party” a couple weeks before his diagnosis, which is precisely the sort of thing we’ve all known, for months, is how the motherfucking virus has been spreading. It’s not a secret. IT’S WHY SO MANY OF US ARE FUCKING DYING.
The people who have been pulling shit like holding maskless victory parties are not victims of fate’s random whims; they are willful perpetrators of crimes against the responsible majority.
The officials of the Trumpified GOP, through their entirely voluntary choice to spread insidious disinformation about a public health crisis, are directly, inescapably RESPONSIBLE for the resultant human carnage. And these people did not spill wine on the carpet. They got hundreds of thousands of people killed. If you accomplish that with mustard gas, you’re a war criminal. Do it with Tucker Carlson retweets, you’re a Republican Congressman.
Yes, mask-wearing and social distancing have, thanks to the madness that’s taken hold of the American right, become partisan. That doesn’t mean the issue should be treated like any other polite political disagreement, like we’re bickering about the capital gains tax rate; this party’s governing policy has been, from the beginning, Never Stop Lying No Matter How High the Bodies Pile Up, and that policy is nowhere near done claiming lives. These lies are killing people today. Right now.
“Aw, garsh, he had kids, Cap.” Fuck him. SO MANY OF THESE BASTARDS’ VICTIMS HAD KIDS. What about the children of all the frontline health care workers who died treating these selfish pricks?
See, that’s tragic. What the Republican Party, indisputably including Luke Letlow, has done in deceiving the public about a public health emergency for political gain is monstrous. It is one of the most evil things I have witnessed in my lifetime. So, a handful of this malicious scheme’s ringleaders paid the same price they happily inflicted on countless disposable serfs? I mean, I’ll mourn, sure, but get in line. There’s about, oh, 350,000 folks in front of you, though.
If Donald Trump had contracted COVID-19 back in March, before all those fancy oligarchs-only experimental treatments had been developed, think of how many people would still be alive today. We are not having a political disagreement in this country right now, we are having deeply insane arguments (with absolute lunatics, by the way) about whether or not a human life matters.
Yikes. Sorry ‘bout that. Uh…back to yer regularly scheduled blog:
Brad Raffensperger doesn’t have a brother. I shouldn’t know that. I live in Chicago, there’s no reason to know the name of Georgia’s Secretary of State at all, let alone any details of said secretary’s family tree. But now Raffensperger’s brotherlessness is one of those bits of trivia forever etched into my brain, alongside George Brett’s 1980 batting average and the civilian identities of the West Coast Avengers.
And why? I’m glad you asked. You see, the President of the United States of America, in his ongoing assault on members of his own party who refuse to destroy the nation’s constitutional democracy on his behalf, used his awesome platform to spread a conspiracy theory that originated in the Porta Potty across the street from Fox where Hannity’s crew goes to snort bath salts on their lunch break, that Brad’s brother “works for China,” and is thus part of…I dunno, antifa? The deep state? Something really scary, I’m sure, especially for old white people. Anyway. No Raffensbrother, I’m sure Wee Don will get around to apologizing for the error, once he’s done attempting coups and whatnot.
I guess Josh Hawley got tired of gazing longingly through the department store window at that little red armband, and finally decided to take the plunge on the full fascist makeover he’s dreamt of for so long; I bet he even splurged on the jodhpurs. Hawley announced he would buck Senate leadership to back the House Rabid Trash-Engorged Possum Caucus’ treasonous plot to establish a perpetual American dictatorship under a game show host who somehow couldn’t figure out how to make money at the fucking casino business.
Of course, young Joshward knows this latest iteration of the Stoopid Coo is doomed to failure; he simply understands that no one ever went broke telling a white supremacist hate cult they’re victims of a conspiracy. He’s gambling the path to the GOP presidential nomination lies in offering Cult45 not bold solutions to their problems, but an unceasing supply of rage and deceit to feed their resentments.
And that’s a dark and cynical wager, friends, but if you sat down tonight to write an article about Hawley and Tom Cotton holding dueling Klan rallies to overflow crowds in Iowa while Larry Hogan delivers a heartfelt lament for bygone conservative values in a nearly empty private living room six blocks away, I bet you could publish it, without edits, in the New York Times on about, oh say June 23rd, 2023.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch “You peasants can eat my gravelly turtle droppings” McConnell unilaterally blocked the popular, bipartisan House bill raising coronavirus stimulus checks from $600 to $2000, offering as an excuse some horseshit attempting to paint Democrats as favoring “socialism for rich people,” I couldn’t quite make it out, as it was delivered from atop the enormous stack of money Yertle made from the massive tax cut he gave himself a couple years back.
Kelly Loeffler’s new single, “Whoops, I Posed with a Klansman Again (Which is But One of Many Ways in Which I Am Trash)” feat. Lil’ Plutocrat debuted on Fux Nooz, thanks to Jon Ossoff, recent graduate of the Pete Buttigieg School of Keep Giving Me a Platform and I’ll Keep Kickin’ Y’all in the Nards.
David Perdue was supposed to attend Kelly’s release party, but he couldn’t make it cuz he’s quarantining following exposure to Covid, yes, in the very last week before a potentially career-ending runoff election, just as a devastating NYT deep dive into his lengthy history of outsourcing American jobs dropped, and I’m really hoping the rule of threes kicks in here, on about, say, this coming Tuesday or so?
Checking in real quick with my new favorite maniac, L. Lin Wood apparently believes he’s the second coming of Christ, and also that Jeffrey Epstein is alive and well and running a pedophile adoption agency for Supreme Court Justices, and I mean, not if you split five pounds of meth between half a dozen monkeys and made them play Mad Libs could you come up a more perfect nugget of raw wingnut batshitery than that.
You’ve probably heard by now, but yeah, the Treasonweasel Administration has managed to royally fuck up the coronavirus vaccine rollout, wildly missing even their own ineptitude-adjusted Cut Us Some Slack We Couldn’t Handle a Goddamn Easter Egg Roll targets. Not that anybody asked me, but I think the very last people to get vaccinated should be any turd-gobbling oligarch bootlickers who still think government should be run like a motherfucking business.
I see Donnie Dotard cut his New Year’s plans short, because he truly seems to believe Hawley and his House Hooligans’ lame bit of political treachery theatre is designed to actually keep him in power rather than merely earn a glowing tweet or two. (I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Donald Trump is a very stupid man) He’s called his Loser Legions to D.C. for the January 6th Electoral College certification in Congress, hoping they’ll riot in support of their Grand Wizard of Grievance. The turnout will be humiliatingly minuscule of course, but I for one have grown rather weary of watching All the President’s Brownshirts prowling the streets of the nation’s capital, thirsty for violence.
Well, the Senate joined the House in overriding the Velveeta Vulgarian’s veto of the defense bill, marking the 219th course of his post-election failure binge. Hope you saved room for dessert, fuckhead.
Ok, that’s enough madness for one week, methinks. Let’s get Warnock and Ossoff over the finish line, stamp out the Hawley Plot, and get back to drinking. Stay safe out there, Resisters…