I spend way too much time these days watching choosy Republicans choose fascism, for reasons that are awful and terrifying, of course, but also SO FUCKING DUMB. Like, I get the authoritarianism thing, but wouldn’t you rather be ground beneath the jackboot of a despot who’s actually capable of dressing himself? Fuck.

Oh well. May as well chronicle this shit while we wait for the Georgia runoff results to trickle in…

We all knew that once Josh Hawley popped the Senate GOP’s totalitarian meltdown cherry, a tidal wave of perfidious sycophancy was sure to follow, and who better to surf it than Rafael Edward Cruz, with his Peter Parker-like sixth sense for detecting the precise moment his Turd Emperor’s boots require licking? Ted got together with some freedom-loathing chums to write a little letter. It is a very bad letter, full of lies, and Ted should feel bad, because he’s assaulting American democracy, which is a jaggy thing to do.

Ted’s debasing himself for nothing, of course, (seems to be his kink, frankly; nothing else explains that shitty beard) because apparently they don’t teach you at Harvard Law that a toxic rage cult will never in a million years rally around a worm who turned lackey for the guy who publicly disparaged his wife and father. All the work you did, Ted, riling up the crazies in the base, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot just yanked ‘em out from underneath ya. I’d ask how it feels to watch a cheap crook effortlessly steal your entire life’s work, but that would involve conversing with you, which strikes me as unpleasant.

I’m writing this on Tuesday night, and the dipshit Republican plot to steal the federal government from the American people is still on the schedule for tomorrow; wear something slutty. Cool of this new House GOP caucus to break their oaths immediately upon swearing them; now we don’t need to waste any time pretending this anti-democratic mob is operating in good faith.

Of course, the question on everybody’s mind tonight is, “precisely how many violent maniacs will answer the President’s call tomorrow, and how much thuggish fuckery will they perpetrate in his name?” because everything is good n’ normal in this, our extremely healthy modern democracy.

Remember when Ohio Governor Mike DeWine was held up as one of the rational, “decent” Republicans? Well, over the last few days he not only parroted Hairplug Himmler’s dangerous voter fraud lies, he signed a new stand your ground law, as well as a truly demented lil’ piece of legislation designed to inflict financial penalties and emotional trauma on women exercising their constitutional right to abortion. Yeah, that’s what moderate, compassionate conservatism looks like these days.

Far from the radical, DeWinean fringe, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts announced that the undocumented immigrants who make up a significant chunk of his state’s meatpacking workforce will not be eligible to receive the COVID-19 vaccine, because white supremacy is just so dang important to him that he’s only too happy to sacrifice a few more of his constituents’ lives on its altar.

In a sea of idiotically treacherous lawsuits asking the courts to pretty please throw democracy away forever, Louie Gohmert’s was the dumbest (fella has a reputation to protect, y’know). A quick reminder, for those whose post-election scorecards are an illegible collage of bat guano and right wing gobbledygook by now, Louie proposed replacing the boring ol’ “American citizens select their leaders” system with one where Vice President Pence gets to hand-select which votes count, and when the judge wouldn’t bite, Louie called for violence in the streets, exactly like a Nazi would. I bet Xmases at the Gohmert household were…challenging.

At the risk of offering advice to the enemy: Republicans, you should make Brad Raffensperger your king, because he seems to be the only member of your generally browbeaten party who understands what Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “I’d sell my own mother into slavery for a better seat on a five-minute bus ride”) actually is.

Brad, it seems, has witnessed enough defenestrations to know better than to slip dutifully into the line for the penthouse. Utilizing what suddenly seems like extremely basic common sense, (clearly not a conservative value these days) he recorded his phone call with Gameshow Göring, gifting himself a nifty little insurance policy against the inevitable wave of angry tweets once he refused to commit honey bunches of unlikely-to-succeed felonies on behalf of a floundering would-be dictator.

The call itself is fucking fabulous, providing a front-row seat as the Shart of the Deal demonstrates his legendary negotiating prowess. That walnut-sized brain simply cannot process how anyone could possibly stand up to his withering Repeat a Lie Several Times at Varying Volumes tactic; it always works on Mike Pompeo. The empty threats are pretty great, too, but it’s the BEGGING I like best. Real Wormtongue-level groveling, and I looooooooove it when we get to see what a whimpering slug Mr. Strongman truly is at heart. Cool cult of personality you got there, MAGA nation.

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes has officially been voted Most Likely to Pawn the Presidential Medal of Freedom For Bail Money, because Boss Shart figures further defiling the nation’s highest civilian honor is cheaper than sending his most loyal stooges holiday fruit baskets. Gym Jordan’s getting one, too, and I guess if you value the esteem of the shittiest man alive, you’re welcome to it.

And of course, nothing shrieks Healthy-Ass Democracy quite like every living former Secretary of Defense joining hands to sing in one voice Kumbaya Also Everybody Back at the Ol’ Pentagon Knows Not to Follow Any Unconstitutional Orders, Right? While I’ve grown accustomed to the strangeness of my bedfellows over the last four years, (sometimes Bill Kristol is the big spoon, sometimes it’s me) I was unprepared emotionally for this PREACH, DICK CHENEY moment. Presumably, after an indeterminate number of showers, I will someday feel clean again.

Team Treasonweasel is somehow still finding innovative new ways to lose in court, though the last lingering legal dingleberries are so far down the Sidney Powell/Lin Wood wackadoo rabbit hole that Rudy’s gibbering rant behind Four Seasons Total Landscaping suddenly seems like oration worthy of Daniel Webster in comparison. One judge even threatened the lawyers who filed one of these maliciously frivolous (malivolous?) suits with discipline; I predict punishing these seditious freaks will be a helluva lot more fun than listening to ‘em.

I see Republicans in the Pennsylvania State Senate got ahold of Grandpa Goebbels’ keys and decided to take authoritarianism out for a little joyride, refusing to seat Democratic Senator Jim Brewster, though his win has been certified and upheld by the state Supreme Court, because apparently, they’re not quite done digging for some shabby new loophole to thwart the will of the electorate. Personally, I think the GOP is hitting this whole “we despise democracy and want to destroy it” thing a little too hard; it’s getting repetitive and obnoxious, if I’m honest. Try mixing in a little love of country now and then, just for variety’s sake.

Anyway, be sure to do some stretching before bed tonight, you don’t want to injure yourself laughing at Mike Pants’ overdue comeuppance tomorrow. Thought you were gonna emerge from this sewer spotless and rose-scented, didn’tcha, Mikey? Keep your head down, kiss that ass daily, and inherit the cult, easy-peezy, right? Four years of loading up your faux evangelical soul with sin upon sin, and they’ll still despise you as a traitor forever, all because Wee Donnie Dotard bought into something stupid he saw on Parler. Live by the misinformed hate cult, die by the misinformed hate cult, you turd-hearted crotchfungus.

I bet there’s gonna be tons more stupid, dangerous shit going down this week, so I’m gonna go rest up in anticipation. No I’m not. I’m gonna stay up all night drinking and refreshing the goddamn needle. That counts as rest, right? 

Hmmmmm…actually, this night might not run as late as I thought…