- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Is Josh Hawley America’s Next Top Fascist? Tune in to Find Out!
Ah, who doesn’t love the promise of a brand new year, particularly one in which the likelihood of the American President tear-gassing peaceful protesters in front of the White House is set to drop so dramatically? ‘Course, you knew 2020 wasn’t gonna let us go without dumping one last steaming bowlful on our heads, right?
Louisiana Congressman-elect Luke Letlow died of COVID-19, and much to my surprise, many of the very same voices who have been minimizing this crisis for months, spreading disease and death throughout the land while the rest of us made daily sacrifices to protect our loved ones, expect me to treat this dude’s death as some sort of tragedy.
It is not, so I won’t. Let’s talk this through.
It seems Letlow was “inconsistent” when it came to behaving with a minimal amount of responsibility during this deadly pandemic; he campaigned with his mask and observed social distancing when he felt like it, but not when he didn’t; a distinction the coronavirus oddly felt no compulsion to acknowledge. Seems he held a maskless “victory party” a couple weeks before his diagnosis, which is precisely the sort of thing we’ve all known, for months, is how the motherfucking virus has been spreading. It’s not a secret. IT’S WHY SO MANY OF US ARE FUCKING DYING.
The people who have been pulling shit like holding maskless victory parties are not victims of fate’s random whims; they are willful perpetrators of crimes against the responsible majority.
The officials of the Trumpified GOP, through their entirely voluntary choice to spread insidious disinformation about a public health crisis, are directly, inescapably RESPONSIBLE for the resultant human carnage. And these people did not spill wine on the carpet. They got hundreds of thousands of people killed. If you accomplish that with mustard gas, you’re a war criminal. Do it with Tucker Carlson retweets, you’re a Republican Congressman.
Yes, mask-wearing and social distancing have, thanks to the madness that’s taken hold of the American right, become partisan. That doesn’t mean the issue should be treated like any other polite political disagreement, like we’re bickering about the capital gains tax rate; this party’s governing policy has been, from the beginning, Never Stop Lying No Matter How High the Bodies Pile Up, and that policy is nowhere near done claiming lives. These lies are killing people today. Right now.
“Aw, garsh, he had kids, Cap.” Fuck him. SO MANY OF THESE BASTARDS’ VICTIMS HAD KIDS. What about the children of all the frontline health care workers who died treating these selfish pricks?
See, that’s tragic. What the Republican Party, indisputably including Luke Letlow, has done in deceiving the public about a public health emergency for political gain is monstrous. It is one of the most evil things I have witnessed in my lifetime. So, a handful of this malicious scheme’s ringleaders paid the same price they happily inflicted on countless disposable serfs? I mean, I’ll mourn, sure, but get in line. There’s about, oh, 350,000 folks in front of you, though.
If Donald Trump had contracted COVID-19 back in March, before all those fancy oligarchs-only experimental treatments had been developed, think of how many people would still be alive today. We are not having a political disagreement in this country right now, we are having deeply insane arguments (with absolute lunatics, by the way) about whether or not a human life matters.
Yikes. Sorry ‘bout that. Uh…back to yer regularly scheduled blog:
Brad Raffensperger doesn’t have a brother. I shouldn’t know that. I live in Chicago, there’s no reason to know the name of Georgia’s Secretary of State at all, let alone any details of said secretary’s family tree. But now Raffensperger’s brotherlessness is one of those bits of trivia forever etched into my brain, alongside George Brett’s 1980 batting average and the civilian identities of the West Coast Avengers.
And why? I’m glad you asked. You see, the President of the United States of America, in his ongoing assault on members of his own party who refuse to destroy the nation’s constitutional democracy on his behalf, used his awesome platform to spread a conspiracy theory that originated in the Porta Potty across the street from Fox where Hannity’s crew goes to snort bath salts on their lunch break, that Brad’s brother “works for China,” and is thus part of…I dunno, antifa? The deep state? Something really scary, I’m sure, especially for old white people. Anyway. No Raffensbrother, I’m sure Wee Don will get around to apologizing for the error, once he’s done attempting coups and whatnot.
I guess Josh Hawley got tired of gazing longingly through the department store window at that little red armband, and finally decided to take the plunge on the full fascist makeover he’s dreamt of for so long; I bet he even splurged on the jodhpurs. Hawley announced he would buck Senate leadership to back the House Rabid Trash-Engorged Possum Caucus’ treasonous plot to establish a perpetual American dictatorship under a game show host who somehow couldn’t figure out how to make money at the fucking casino business.
Of course, young Joshward knows this latest iteration of the Stoopid Coo is doomed to failure; he simply understands that no one ever went broke telling a white supremacist hate cult they’re victims of a conspiracy. He’s gambling the path to the GOP presidential nomination lies in offering Cult45 not bold solutions to their problems, but an unceasing supply of rage and deceit to feed their resentments.
And that’s a dark and cynical wager, friends, but if you sat down tonight to write an article about Hawley and Tom Cotton holding dueling Klan rallies to overflow crowds in Iowa while Larry Hogan delivers a heartfelt lament for bygone conservative values in a nearly empty private living room six blocks away, I bet you could publish it, without edits, in the New York Times on about, oh say June 23rd, 2023.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch “You peasants can eat my gravelly turtle droppings” McConnell unilaterally blocked the popular, bipartisan House bill raising coronavirus stimulus checks from $600 to $2000, offering as an excuse some horseshit attempting to paint Democrats as favoring “socialism for rich people,” I couldn’t quite make it out, as it was delivered from atop the enormous stack of money Yertle made from the massive tax cut he gave himself a couple years back.
Kelly Loeffler’s new single, “Whoops, I Posed with a Klansman Again (Which is But One of Many Ways in Which I Am Trash)” feat. Lil’ Plutocrat debuted on Fux Nooz, thanks to Jon Ossoff, recent graduate of the Pete Buttigieg School of Keep Giving Me a Platform and I’ll Keep Kickin’ Y’all in the Nards.
David Perdue was supposed to attend Kelly’s release party, but he couldn’t make it cuz he’s quarantining following exposure to Covid, yes, in the very last week before a potentially career-ending runoff election, just as a devastating NYT deep dive into his lengthy history of outsourcing American jobs dropped, and I’m really hoping the rule of threes kicks in here, on about, say, this coming Tuesday or so?
Checking in real quick with my new favorite maniac, L. Lin Wood apparently believes he’s the second coming of Christ, and also that Jeffrey Epstein is alive and well and running a pedophile adoption agency for Supreme Court Justices, and I mean, not if you split five pounds of meth between half a dozen monkeys and made them play Mad Libs could you come up a more perfect nugget of raw wingnut batshitery than that.
You’ve probably heard by now, but yeah, the Treasonweasel Administration has managed to royally fuck up the coronavirus vaccine rollout, wildly missing even their own ineptitude-adjusted Cut Us Some Slack We Couldn’t Handle a Goddamn Easter Egg Roll targets. Not that anybody asked me, but I think the very last people to get vaccinated should be any turd-gobbling oligarch bootlickers who still think government should be run like a motherfucking business.
I see Donnie Dotard cut his New Year’s plans short, because he truly seems to believe Hawley and his House Hooligans’ lame bit of political treachery theatre is designed to actually keep him in power rather than merely earn a glowing tweet or two. (I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Donald Trump is a very stupid man) He’s called his Loser Legions to D.C. for the January 6th Electoral College certification in Congress, hoping they’ll riot in support of their Grand Wizard of Grievance. The turnout will be humiliatingly minuscule of course, but I for one have grown rather weary of watching All the President’s Brownshirts prowling the streets of the nation’s capital, thirsty for violence.
Well, the Senate joined the House in overriding the Velveeta Vulgarian’s veto of the defense bill, marking the 219th course of his post-election failure binge. Hope you saved room for dessert, fuckhead.
Ok, that’s enough madness for one week, methinks. Let’s get Warnock and Ossoff over the finish line, stamp out the Hawley Plot, and get back to drinking. Stay safe out there, Resisters…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Loved the “save room for dessert” parting shot! Have some New Year’s dessert in celebration of what awaits us just 19 days from now.
Fucking hee-hawley has done one thing with his pathetic display. Achieved some sort of name recognition. I know I had never heard of him before this. But when people connect your name with dumbfuckery, have you really achieved anything you wanted to?
I think Raffensperger does have a brother but it is not the Huawei guy, different name, never been to China and totally different line of business.
Ya know, now that you mention it, he IS dumb as a bag of shit. Thanks for the laughs and all the rage, Capman! Keep watching these infected cockroaches for us, ok? Remember way back when sane people said ‘lets hope a real emergency doesn’t happen with this fucking moron in the Oval’? Turns out hope is a cruel and dumb bitch, also. Peace, y’all
Great righteous rant and lots of good laughs. Thanks and welcome to the new year…it just doesn’t feel ‘new’ yet. I’m disappointed but still hopeful.
Happy New Year all. With Hawley, the Republicans never run short of guys who try to take my vote away. Hang in, Cap. We need you to keep peeling back the layers of bullshit and revealing the true characters of the lackeys. At will they step all over themselves, never ones to learn. My Reps., North Dakota Sens., Kevin Cramer, and John Hoeven never miss an opportunity to get closer to Trump. When Hawley’s rebuttal of the EC count from the Senate floor forces a vote, I await to see Cramer’s and Hoeven’s check mark. The quote that sticks—( “raw wingnut batshitery”)—only Cap.
Speaking of Josh Hawley and Voter Fraud, Josh himself committed voter fraud. Josh is a Senator from Missouri and QAnon. Josh lives in a DC mansion. But he registered and voted at his sister’s house. That is not his legal residence. That is a crime, at least if you are not a Republican.
And what about the crazy Lawyer Man from Florida who told Republicans to move to Georgia to commit voter fraud on Jan. 5. It would be nice if the public was informed about Republican voter fraud, but the corporate tee vee, must protect the Plutocracy, always.
https://www.kansascity.com/article247260219.html
“But a review of property records shows that the first-term Republican is no longer a Missouri homeowner and that he is registered to vote at his sister’s home in Ozark, Missouri, while he is in-between homes in the state.”
“Hawley owns a $1.3 million house in the Northern Virginia suburbs of Washington, D.C., where he spends most of his time with his wife, Erin Hawley, and their three children…Instead, he has claimed his sister Lesley Hawley’s address in the same county as his home address and used it to vote in the 2020 election.”
Your righteous fury at genocidal Trumpal-republicans is a tour de force! Thank you.
I may have to quote your “House Rabid Trash-Engorged Possum Caucus” since our own fuckwit was newly elected in the very election he is trying to eviscerate. And may I add, MoRon Johnson (aka Fishlips) is bucking to be The Worst Wisconsin Senator Ever, shoving off Joe McCarthy.
Also, has anyone noticed the rat-like similarity of Robin Vos and Joshua (rhymes with sewer) Hawley? Both facially and behaviorally (apologies to the genus rattus).
Happy New Year, Cap!
Besides being disgusting, horrifying, and terrifying, the behavior of the Republicans in our government is SO deeply embarrassing. My husband and I had hoped to do some international traveling in our old age, but even if COVID-19 is defeated, how can we ever overcome our shame at being citizens of a nation that is this deliberately dysfunctional? No American should ever look down their noses again at so-called “banana republics” (aka shithole countries), since we now seem to have out-bananaed and out-shitholed all of them, without even having the excuse of being a poverty-stricken, vulnerable country (so far). Also, it goes without saying, it will be extremely hypocritical to accuse other nations of human rights violations.
Thanks, Cap, as always, for the great, and hilarious, commentary, and bringing out some of the finer points in the news items of the week.
Two things: Why are there two Senators from each state if one Senator is able to call all the shots? What do the other 99 actually do?
If the vice-pres. is the president of the Senate and has the ability to bring bills forward for a vote, why doesn’t Pence take the House bill for $2K relief out of McConnell’s moldy hands and put it to a Senate vote? Assuming of course that trump is not lying when he says citizens ought to get $2K. However, to assume that trump’s not lying about this one thing would probably be a mistake.
The New Year starts with Joe & Kamala’s inauguration. January 1 was just a warm up and reminder that the Orange Butt Pustule is still alive and lying…so I’m waiting for the big day when they frog march that bag-o-shit out of the White House…that is a day for a bottle of champagne, or maybe two! Then all that is left to do is begin the legal proceedings and LOCK HIM UP as they say…that includes Melanoma his “Einstein visa” call girl/model and th rest of the crime family.
But wait, there’s still the co-criminals in congress…they’re just waiting to start crying crocodile tears over the rising deficit, this after passing their huge tax cuts for the wealthy. Same song second verse: give away the farm to the donor class and drive up the deficit, then when the Dems get in and realize just how bad it is and want to raise taxes to pay for it, they start with the chorus of “tax and spend dems”. And all this can be traced back to trickle-down Reganomics…geez don’t get me started!
And I must say that I took delight that fucking trump got pissed about his mar-a-lago remodel which Melanoma oversaw, but instead he screamed at the club management who had nothing to do with it. And now all the neighbors down there don’t want him around, and according to the legal agreement he signed years ago, he can’t make that his primary residence cuz’ it’s a CLUB!
OK Cap, thanks for getting me worked up lest I get complacent about all this. Keep up your great work!
Greetings Cap, and Happy New Year! This is a standout rant – one of your best. I am in agreement with you – FUCK Luke Letlow. Fuck him gently with a chain saw. Crazy Motherfuckers believe some SKY SPOOK is gonna protect them from the microscopic organisms. It’s a hoax fer gawds sake.
Regarding Cruz supporting invalidating the elelection, Please use it if you like:
Ted Cruz is not just deciding how open his jaws should be, but how hard to suck