Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
It’s Choose Your Own Adventure, America: Infrastructure or White Nationalism?
Holy heck, y’all, since last we met, my right shoulder enjoyed a saucy tryst with dose one of the Pfizer vaccine, which immediately transformed this mild-mannered poo joke blogger into a legit super soldier, sporting exotic powers like Maybe Having a Meal in a Restaurant in a Few Months and My God Possibly Even Attending a Movie This Calendar Year Assuming I Ever Stop Weeping For Joy.
Well, to date, the post-presidency of the Deposed Dotard with Diminutive Digits has been…let’s just say I don’t think Jimmy Carter is looking over his shoulder.
I’ve actually created a remarkably accurate tool for forecasting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s pitiful shenanigans, call it Cap’s Law of Loser is as Loser Does (Or “CLLLoD”): to predict Donald Trump’s behavior in a given situation, simply consider the setting, and then ask, “What would the biggest loser in the entire world do?”
So, for example, if I told you, “Donald Trump gave a speech to a crowd of wealthy donors at an RNC event held at his tacky-ass golf resort,” and you applied CLLLoD, you’d say, “Well, I suppose he’d launch into a meandering tirade, full of stupid, embarrassing lies, snarling bigotry, and worn-to-the-nub petty grievances, ultimately serving mostly to advertise the unmanageable insecurities that have made him a serial failure and global laughingstock.”
See? The margin of error is fuckin’ microscopic. I’m awaiting peer review before officially publishing my findings, but locating other drunken, masked/bathrobed bloggers has proven challenging.
(Wee Don saved his biggest, tuffest words for Mitch McConnell, by the way, and I’m sure everyone was impressed at his general Big Tuff Boyness. I’m all for this jag-on-jag warfare, of course; honestly, I’m still holding out hope this ends with those two irredeemable dungbuckets plummeting into some bottomless Disney villain abyss, hands clutched tight around one another’s throats.)
The ongoing downfall of Florida (Congress)Man Matt Gaetz continues to be a fascinating real-time experiment in just how much dignity a human turd can shed whilst circling the drain.
So, last week we learned Matt tried but failed to wrangle a pardon from Hairplug Himmler, right? Well, nowadays the Venmo Kid is so radioactive, so pungently reeking of Eau De You’re Fucked Son, that he can’t even land a MEETING with Boss Shart anymore. This news threatens to burst my schadenfreude-engorged belly, because proximity to Trump was the only thing this putrid scrotum tumor had to offer anyone, meaning he’s in even deeper sh-wait now, what’s this you say? Matt’s wingman, indicted trafficker-of-minors Joel Greenberg, is cooperating with the investigation?
Hooooooooooooooooweeee! When Gaetz finally hits pavement, there won’t be enough of him left to spread on a Wheat Thin.
I suppose Congressman Sex Trafficker can at least take comfort in the fact that his caucus leader lacks the ethical fortitude to so much as remove him from the committee overseeing the very Justice Department currently investigating his monumental loathsomeness. Kevin McCarthy remains the Neville Chamberlain of Nevilles Chamberlain.
Speaking of Republican Congressmen Who Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near Playgrounds, Gym Jordan decided to play Fuck Around and Find Out with Maxine Waters, behavior so obviously hazardous to one’s health I’m surprised the Surgeon General didn’t tackle him. Now that his Turdlord has been o’erthrown, Gymbo’s ostentatiously indignant gaslighting act seems more pathetic and clownish than ever, just an underdressed man-child rubbing shit in his own hair for reasons that are frankly difficult to grasp. The circus moved on, bro; if you have failed to develop any skill set beyond biting the heads off chickens, that’s on you. And buy a jacket, for Christ’s sake.
Rising MAGA star Kristi Noem says the COVID mass grave that used to be South Dakota before she took over is for WHITES ONLY, and I just hope everyone is prepared for the 2024 GOP presidential primary to be months of the very worst people alive trying to out-racist one another. Y’know, like usual.
Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, and Josh Hawley (quite the Dumbfuck Cerberus…what, was Tommy Tuberville busy?) have a plan to return their hopelessly corrupt congregation of the malicious and mediocre to glory, introducing legislation to fiscally discipline Major League Baseball, (for, you’ll recall, opposing the GOP’s fascist, racist assaults on voting rights) because I guess that’s just how you fill your hours when you’re a “legislator” in a party that’s decided policy is for cucks.
The truth is, all this floundering faux outrage only reveals the naked terror running through the Republican Party these days; the Biden Administration promised shots in arms and money in pockets, and speaking for myself, okay, the money got transformed into beer and comic books more or less immediately, but the way the things were going under the last guy (Orange fellow. Loud, stupid. Mouth not unlike the puckered butthole of a syphilitic walrus.) I wasn’t expecting to get vaccinated for months yet. The American people are pretty fucking pleased with the recent change in management, is what I’m saying.
And now, Joe n’ Kamala n’ Chuck n’ Nancy n’ all their friends in our narrow-but-feisty congressional majority plan to follow up their smash debut American Rescue Plan with the equally popular American Jobs Plan, an infrastructure mega-bill filled with loads of awesome stuff favored by massive bipartisan majorities, but opposed by congressional Republicans, on account of the way they’re essentially entry-level employees in the billionaire class’ collective accounting department and all.
I’m nearly sympathetic, because yeah, politically speaking, it was already a pretty fucking big ask, to return the GOP to power on the memory of their I Honestly Didn’t Know You Could Fuck America Up This Badly in Just Four Years record, and that was before Jonny Ossoff and the Reverend Warnock ushered in the Age of Reconciliation and the accompanying trillions. On the other hand, it SHOULD be hard to defend your trash party’s trash positions, so fuck you, I rescind my sympathy. It was only a literary device anyway, you fucks.
Anyway, these bewildered bastards are trying to figure out some way to make the American public hate a generally likable idea like, “let’s finally modernize our infrastructure and make the filthy rich pay for it.” It’s a fairly shitty thing to want to do, so I feel absolutely no guilt in laughing as their Wile E. Coyote scheme to undermine the Biden agenda goes through its entirely predictable life cycle.
“What even IS infrastructure, maaaaaaaaaan?” they feebly whined, hoping to ignite coast-to-coast outrage by furiously nitpicking over classification or terminology or…hey, don’t look at me, it wasn’t my fuckin’ plan.
“Biden’s so-called ‘infrastructure’ proposal,” shrieked Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn, waving her sternest finger quotes, “includes $400 billion for ELDER CARE of all things,” as though “elder care” is Appalachian slang for “letting an elk shit directly into your mouth.” What is your play here, Marsha, beyond Helpfully Drawing the Public’s Attention to an Underreported Aspect of Our Kickass Bill?
Heck, the best McConnell himself could muster was the petulant instance that “no one voted for” Biden’s agenda, and I mean, he’s only 81,282,916 votes off. Bless his dark, obstructionist heart, Yertle’s really only got that one trick.
They’re trying SO HARD to recreate the Emperor of Hemorrhoids’ culture-war-inside-a-tent-revival atmosphere, but they lack the manic energy to pull it off; if Wee Donnie One-Term wanted to earn an honest buck for the first time in his abominable life, the truth is, the Senate GOP would pay handsomely for a solid series of gaslighting seminars. As it is, they come off as ridiculous old men, bellowing nonsense and thrashing about gawkily, like Peter Cetera covering Black Flag.
“Sure, we capped a year of murderous bungling (half a million graves and counting, bay-bee) by inciting a Nazi lynch mob to attempt the violent overthrow of the federal government, and our successors are restoring hope and normalcy and prosperity faster than anyone imagined was possible, but which party is torturing transgender children, I ask you that?” That’s the pitch.
And it would be a laughable pitch, were it not for the stakes. All the eggs are in the deplorables basket now. “If you want health care or economic growth or even just simple, basic competence from your government, so be it, vote Democrat, you won’t find any of that crap here…but if you’re so warped by hate and fear that you’d just as soon burn the whole thing down in order to rule the ashes, HAVE I GOT A POLITICAL PARTY FOR YOU.”
Tucker Carlson recently started slinging the jargon of the “great replacement” theory, which everyone quickly agreed is precisely the sort of thing white nationalists say. Now, I don’t have a lot of illusions left to shatter, but I thought maybe dispensing actual white supremacist propaganda on cable’s most-watched show would finally be the line even Fux was too decent to cross.
But no, Lachlan Murdoch let the world know Fish Stix Hitler has his full support, insisting to the ADL, yes, to the frickin’ Anti-Defamation League, with reptilian courtesy, that Liar Tuck’s endorsement was in fact a condemnation, which surely made Orwell’s ghost spasm and twitch. That Lachlan sees political and financial benefit in platforming the ideology of genocide is, at the risk of editorializing, a phenomenally shitty thing.
Shittier still is hearing the same poison vomited up during a subcommittee hearing, by a sitting U.S. Congressman, but then, Pennsylvania’s Scott Perry has been a fairly reliable hategeyser since swapping out his old Freedumb Caucus crazy pants for those shiny new robes. Naturally, Ron “the Shame of Wisconsin” Johnson wants in on this Nazi shit too, because wherever Nazi shit is to be found, RoJo wants in on it. It’s his “thing.”
And now, fashy dentist Paul Gosar is teaming up with Marjorie Taylor Guam to launch a bonafide Brownshirt Caucus within the House GOP, squealing about the need to Make Architecture White Again, which presumably means constructing all new buildings out of the copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Gosar cranks out by hand in his basement during his week-long meth benders.
In announcing new sanctions on Russia, (sorry Vlad, Daddy’s home) the Biden Administration revealed that pardoned traitor Paul Manafort was indeed involved in a scheme to use a Konstantin-Kilimnik-shaped pipeline to funnel secret Trump campaign information directly to Russian Intelligence Services, the better to target their efforts to interfere in our election and install Putin’s personal pet in the White House.
And we just…let that guy be President for four entire years. Cool. Hey Republicans, if you ever find yourselves wondering how y’all alienated every American voter who isn’t a Klansman or a drooling, conspiracy-addled fuckwit, maybe the Koch family owns some sort of mirror factory, you perfidious shitworms.
Shoutout to the fetid wad of treason and loserstech that stormed the U.S Capitol 100 short days ago, on their very first plea-bargainin‘, flippity-flippin’, manly-militia-man-turned-cooperating-witness: founding Oath Keeper Jon Ryan Schaffer! I won’t claim to be an expert, but I guess the “oath” in question must not cover immediately selling your deadbeat terrorist buddies out ten seconds after Captain Consequences knocks on your door. “Oath Keepers.” Sure, Jan.
And even as the pandemic recedes, the older American plagues of mass shootings and police violence surge anew. It’s a battle every damn day, making this country live up to its promises. It’s been nice lately, putting some points on the board for a change, but the work remains…
…so grab some rest (rest meaning beer) this weekend so you’re up for it! Stay safe out there, Shower Captives, the finish line is finally in sight!
PS – Aw, Roger Stone thought he was all safe n’ pardoned, but it appears his troubles are just beginning, how sad…