Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Don’t Worry, Congressman Gaetz, You’ll Hit Rock Bottom at Some Point. Surely.
They laughed at Warren G. Harding, but he was light years ahead of his time with that return to normalcy shit. Returning to normalcy is pretty fucking great, in my opinion. The more normalcy I return to, the more I like it. Lately, I find I have even less tolerance for the fuckery we document here in this blog, it’s like…quit messing up my return to normalcy, you asswipes.
Boy, Republicans do not have the first fucking idea what to do about all this corporate pushback against their fascist assault on voting rights, do they? The only thing they know how to do anymore is lash out in anger, but you don’t get a key to a GOP cloakroom without conditioning yourself to instantaneously submit to the slightest shifting whim of the Hand That Feeds You, so all this is real confusing for the poor little tykes, y’know?
Seriously, it’s about time for somebody to call Elaine Chao to come get her husband; you know Mitch, if he can’t get what he wants by abusing arcane parliamentary procedure, he gets all flustered n’ fussy; he’s one self-aggrandizing Rand Paul filibuster away from wandering onto the Senate floor in a poorly-tied bathrobe, mumbling to himself about the fifteen bucks Daniel Moynihan still owes him. Pro tip, Yertle: if you can’t finish a threat without begging the threatenee for money, best not to bother.
As limp and embarrassing as the whole sordid show has been, we should still make note that Republican officials no longer even hesitate before threatening to bring the full unholy fury of the state down upon the heads of uppity private sector dissenters, and like, I know I come off like a broken record sometimes, but this is yet another Thing Republicans Do That’s Indistinguishable From What Fascists Do.
Another Trump-administered lesson in authoritarianism swiftly internalized by the entire GOP is that when it comes to their credulous, grievance-crazed base, there is simply no limit to the power to fool some of the people all of the time. New polling shows alarming numbers of Republicans blindly believe every dumb, crazy lie the Velveeta Vulgarian and his enablers told about the 2020 election, because gaslighting and victimhood are two whiny wingnut tastes that taste great together.
So it shouldn’t really surprise anyone that the official messaging around these voter suppression laws (seamlessly harmonized between elected Republicans and the right-wing media, as is typical in this, our intensely healthy democracy) has been to simply straight-up fucking lie about the content of the bills, and then defend the horseshit misrepresentation with the sanctimonious fury of a forgotten sitcom actor doing Atticus Finch on the dinner theatre circuit.
For example, when Major League Baseball announced Denver as the new host for this year’s All-Star Game, following its withdrawal from Atlanta, (over the legal enshrinement of white supremacy thing, in case that slipped anyone’s mind) the entire right-wing jagoffosphere howled in perfect unison COLORADO’S VOTING LAWS ARE STRICTER THAN GEORGIA’S, which of course isn’t anywhere close to true; in fact, that’s a claim so ridiculous that once upon a time, they would’ve shipped you out to a farm in the country to run around with Dan Quayle for making it, but nowadays, well, the bigger the lie the better, and indeed, at this very moment, some long-lost cousin or classmate or co-worker of yours is engaged in a ferocious Facebook debate, and he is infuriatingly unshakeable in his belief that voting laws are stricter in Colorado than in Georgia. Because that’s just how stuff works now. Wheeeeee.
That poll was really something. 64% of these rubes believe the Tooth Fairy is real, of whom 91% say she’s a filthy socialist who should be strung up in front of the Capitol alongside former Vice President Mike Pants, who has a book coming out, apparently, in case you’re curious about the lies a spineless wannabe theocrat tells himself to justify his own prominent role in the creation of the violent anti-democracy movement that ultimately attempted to murder him. I’ll wait for the movie.
Anyway, yeah, conservatives have declared war on both Coke and baseball, so I figure we’re about six weeks away from some sort of manic, Roger Corman-esque, nationwide bald eagle hunt.
Still, after failed boycotts of Starbucks and Netflix and Nike and Keurig and…well, basically everything except shag carpeting woven from Mike Lindell’s back hair, nobody’s willing to offer up so much as a courtesy shiver in the face of this latest promise of righteous economic wrath. It took what, two whole days from Sultan Spraytan’s Churchillian call to arms before he got caught consorting with the enemy? Yeah, I can’t figure out why those North Korea negotiations never went anywhere, can you?
Hey, you might not want to finish this sentence without first procuring access to a fainting couch, but it appears as though the Trump campaign ripped off their own supporters! I know, right? Who could’ve imagined the guy who extorted a piss ransom from the people tasked with risking their lives to protect his would stoop so low as to deceive his most faithful followers into unknowingly committing to weekly recurring donations until their bank accounts were (in the middle of a pandemic/economic crisis, so what, quitcher bitchin’ ya filthy takers) bled completely dry? Who indeed, except, y’know…literally everyone?
Honestly, HOW ARE YOU STILL FALLING FOR THIS SHIT? I’m really asking, and you’re invited to respond in the comments; please post your SSN, along with any account and/or routing numbers you may have, or I won’t be able to follow up.
No sooner did news of this massive, $64.3 million fraud break than the NRCC went, “Public shaming? How are we not using that one already, that’s Extracting Money From a Cult of Dumbasses 101!” So now when you make a donation, you either sign up for regular tithing, or they declare you a “DEFECTOR” and you go on a list that gets sent to Marm-a-Lago and then some random night Weehands McNodick himself breaks into your house to steal your pork rinds and hit on your daughters.
I see Greg Gutfeld ushered in a bold new era of conservative comedy, bringing his trademark What if an Impacted Toenail Had Opinions About Cancel Culture act to a new show on Fux, where he forces his interns to chuckle nervously while he monologues like a drunken Klan Dragon.
Meanwhile, on the very same cable channel, Tucker Carlson inches ever closer to simply reading Mein Kampf aloud from a rocking chair next to a fireplace. The language of “white replacement” felt chilling enough, screeched by tiki-torch-wielding incels in Charlottesville; seeing it piped into millions of American living rooms, on the lips of wolves dressed as the trusted newsmen of generations past…can’t say I’m a fan, friends.
Because a GOP official in Texas just got caught trying organize, in his own words, a “brigade,” an “army” to invade minority neighborhoods in Houston in order to…”monitor elections,” and if there’s anything useful about pretending this dude wasn’t calling for meticulously coordinated violence targeting non-white voters, I don’t fucking see what it might be.
But lose ye not hope, my friends, for though the enemy is black of heart, he is dull of mind. Normally you have to get into a sword fight with Graham Chapman to experience the sort of self-inflicted humiliation Peter Doocy earns by repeatedly insisting upon matching wits with Jen Psaki, but bless his heart, he shows no signs of letting up. (Hey Fox, if you’re looking to put some actual comedy in Gutfeld’s slot, I’ve got an idea.)
Somehow, this week was even worse for Matt Gaetz than last week, which is not only thoroughly hilarious but also quite nourishing, for our justice-starved nation. However, I confess I fear that if we continue on this trajectory for even a few days more, the degree to which the Congresscreep from the Florida 1st is fucked may progress beyond the capacity of the human mind to comprehend. This kid is fucked on a cosmic scale, folks. There are whole Greek myths about dudes suffering eternally in Hades who aren’t as fucked as Matt Gaetz.
I think we’ve all learned more than we cared to about Matt’s sewage-gargling chum, Joel Greenberg, who has turned out to be…well, more or less exactly what you’d expect from someone willing to socialize with Matt Gaetz, which is to say the Mildred Call the Police That Strange Man Is Leering Near the Playground Again type of fellow.
Anyhow, Joel, indicted on 33 total charges and no doubt hoping to reclaim at least some small corner of his scrotum from the vice on Johnny Law’s desk, seems positively giddy to strike a plea bargain, prompting his lawyer to publicly speculate Gaetz “is not feeling very comfortable today,” a reasonable enough assessment of the mental state of an ambitious young pusbucket who mere months ago flew on Air Force One at the President’s request, but now finds himself under federal investigation in a sex-trafficking scandal.
That assessment only got reasonabler when news broke of the extremely public trail of Venmo transactions Gaetz and Greenberg helpfully left for investigators, and Matt’s legal troubles hardly stop there. Allies have abandoned him, and now he faces a shiny new ethics investigation in Congress. As I said, Sisyphus ain’t got shit on this kid.
Seems during the And Fall days of the Turd Reich, young Mattward nervously inquired of the Shart House, “say, y’all wouldn’t happen to have any preemptive blanket pardons lying around, wouldja?” Alas, whereas other prominent dingleberries orbiting the Adderall-Addled Assclown, your Roger Stones and your Duncan Hunters, had the good sense to get convicted before Sheriff Biden rode back into town, Gaetz’s woes didn’t surface until Hairplug Himmler’s authority to pervert justice had been reduced once more to petty golf course fraud.
Bad timing, bro. Sucks to be you. If it makes you feel any better, watching it happen to you is absolutely fucking stupendous.
We learned the kakistocrat cronies Shart Garfunkel installed at HHS (remember Michael Caputo?) gleefully celebrated their successful attempts to corrupt and distort the CDC’s scientific findings relating to the coronavirus outbreak, which, yes, amounts to dancing on the mass graves dug in the doomed, damned quest to extend an idiot tyrant’s mad reign. Y’know, history already taught us that fascists will happily send hundreds of thousands to the slaughter if it means one more day in power, but I guess 21st century America needed that lesson the hard way.
On that merry note, I’ll leave you to your weekend. Hey, if you missed the Kickstarters for my first two comics, check out the home page, you can get hooked up right now! Get vaccinated, buy comics, and stay safe out there, Resisters!