Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Josh Hawley and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Fascist Coup Attempt
You think I could get away with the “I almost didn’t blog, the news was so slow” gag tonight? Like, I could write this super long paragraph about the Indians/Mets trade, really milk it, but ho hum, “otherwise it was pretty quiet out there” or some shit? Personally, I think I’ve beaten that gag to death, but I figured it was worth a try.
Still, I suppose we really ought to discuss that thing where the President of the United States incited a fascist mob to storm the Capitol, attempt to kidnap and execute some of the highest-ranking elected officials in the land, and overthrow the American government on his behalf. Check out that Mets trade when you get a chance, though.
It all started innocently enough, with shiny new freshman Republican Congressthug Mary Miller introducing herself on the national scene with a hearty “Hitler was right” speech. That Miller was not promptly deposited on the very next bus back to the Illinois 15th tells you enough about the state of the GOP in 2021 that nothing that would follow should surprise you.
Mary’s pretty lucky, actually, because her Hitler-praising never really even made it to the front page, what with the aforementioned Mets trade, and also probably the violent coup thing.
About that. What do you even say? A mob of the shittiest losers scraped from the floors of America’s filthiest public restrooms, radicalized by the frankly silly lies of a farcically transparent con man and his cynical enablers, gathered in Washington, D.C., with murderous intentions. Many wore silly costumes, because everything Donald Trump does has to be stupid as well as dangerous.
A series of seditious speakers, including Mo Brooks and Gameshow Göring himself, (and Rudy Giuliani, who pulled out of his cousin just long enough to demand “trial by combat”) riled them up further, until, in a state of raging entitlement, they marched on the Capitol, where they quickly overwhelmed criminally understaffed law enforcement, invading the building where Congress was in the process of certifying the Electoral College vote, forcing historians to hastily add asterisks to encyclopedia entries on the final downfall of Nazism.
When the U.S. President looked upon this howling insurgent mob, who injured 56 police officers and murdered one, he told them, “we love you, you’re very special,” which is nicer than anything he’s ever said to Tiffany.
So Twitter n’ Facebook finally put the fucker in time-out, because he was enthusiastically cheerleading an active terror attack on Congress in session, and also to prevent him from using social media to organize further sectarian violence. As one does in this, our extremely first-world nation.
Meanwhile, the terrorist swarm, chock full of known white supremacist agitators, armed with bats and zip ties and god knows what else (shoutout to the guy who drove all the way up from Alabama only to leave his ELEVEN MOLOTOV COCKTAILS in the truck) roamed the halls, searching for Congressfolk to kidnap and kill. Many allegedly sought to murder Mike Pence, recently excommunicated from Cult45 for refusing to go along with Louie Gohmert’s deeply stupid plan to steal the presidency by sneaking it out of the building under the Vice President’s coat.
D.C. Police Chief Robert Contee actually had the sack to claim that there was “no intelligence” that something like this would happen, a lie so preposterous even the Dotard himself is like, “Layin’ it on a little thick there, huh, Bob?” because the “intelligence” has been all over the web, for weeks, in the form of extremely public planning conducted openly on social media. Just a heads up, they’re plotting a few more rounds of this shit, in case anybody feels like doing their job going forward.
Word is, Minority Leader McCarthy, during the siege, begged his Turd Emperor to call off his rabid supporters, but Hairplug Himmler refused, abandoning his loyal stooge to literally die in a violent insurrection, but damned if Kev didn’t immediately re-staple his lips to that butt the very moment he was safe again. Does Donald Trump’s ass secrete some sort of addictive chemical? I’m really asking.
Anyway, once the terrorist throng was finally cleared from the halls of Congress (after pissing and shitting all over everything like animals), the House GOP immediately acquiesced to their every demand, moving right along with their bullshit “challenge” to the election results, because learning from your mistakes, even when you have literally just unleashed horrifying mob violence on your very own workplace, is, apparently, for cucks.
Of course, the fantastic news is that the Dunderhead Revolt failed spectacularly; (and how could it do anything else, considering the parties involved?) all they managed to accomplish was delaying the certification a few hours, forcing the shitty, decrepit white dudes who represent them to stay up past their bedtimes, officially acknowledging the restaurant-quality ass-kicking Joe Biden administered to their Skidmark Messiah last November. Nice work, losers.
At that point, this dark episode in American history reverted pretty quickly from constitutional crisis to the more comfortable and familiar Morons Rubbing Shit In Their Own Hair Show that we’ve grown accustomed to. Right wing media, ever ready to gaslight their audience, which craves gaslighting like Paula Dean craves hot buttery racism, figured they could always just blame the whole thing on antifa, but the Dipshit Confederacy wasn’t having any of that, they wanted credit for their felonies, dagnabbit!
…not that tracking any of them down would prove difficult anyway, on account of the way they live-streamed their federal crimes on social media. And took selfies. And paraded, maskless, before the Capitol’s rather substantial security camera collection. There’s really no amount of self-destruction that can force these clowns to abandon their “cultural” rejection of mask-wearing during this public health crisis, is there? Well. Enjoy prison.
Cuz the harsh light of a new day brought, as it is wont to do, a great big fuckin’ bucket of consequences. How quickly the LOCK HER UP crowd devolves into blubbering, “forgive me, I made a mistake, I only treasoned on accident!” One minute, you’re scratching your balls in Speaker Pelosi’s chair, the next, you’re in prison. And the next. And the next. And the next…
I’m really getting a kick out of this sudden wave of May As Well Take My Vacation Days “principled resignations,” too. Does Elaine Chao truly envision a misty-eyed standing ovation for her years-late, community-theatre-worthy show of “bravery?” Betsy DeVos imagines there’s some sort of virtuous stand still available to Betsy DeVos at this late date? That’s honestly adorable.
In the midst of a week where he tried to overthrow the government and have his own Vice President murdered, President Crotchrot somehow still found the mental space to muse OH YEAH GOTTA MAKE TIME DURING THIS SEDITIOUS PSYCHOTIC EPISODE TO FORCE CELEBRITIES TAKE PICTURES WITH ME ONE LAST TIME and so he gave some medals to some golfers, one of whom I understand is deceased. We need to make sure this warped, soggy brain gets left to science, is all I’m saying.
It’s possible I will never stop laughing at Josh Hawley, who finally took the plunge into full-on focus-group fascism ten minutes before Donald Trump transformed himself into American Bin Laden. Son, if you weren’t able to piece together on your own that the moment for your treacherous lil’ pageant passed while police officers were bleeding and dying to protect you from the consequences of your own recklessness, I just don’t think leadership is your calling.
Yeah, Josh jumped (and Ted Cruz jumped after him, let’s spare a belly laugh or twelve for that) straight into a steaming pile of comeuppance, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fascist. Allies and donors are fleeing, home state newspapers are demanding resignation, his book deal got Milo’d, and there’s still the judgment of history to come. Tee fucking hee.
Hawley and Cruz are getting the headlines (and the calls to resign from Senate colleagues) but we shouldn’t overlook the backbench co-conspirators, if you ask me. We’re gonna run against Tommy Tuberville in 2026 reminding voters that he sided with terrorists attempting to overthrow the government on his VERY FIRST WEEK, and they’re gonna re-elect him anyway, aren’t they?
And now Republicans are whining (story at 11, right?) that another impeachment would be “divisive.” Well, I think we need a little division at this point. We need to divide the violent lunatics and those who incite them from polite society, and certainly from our fucking politics. If we don’t do that, Wednesday’s debacle will simply be the first chapter of a very long book that will suck to read, and suck much, much harder to live through. I’m sorry that y’all made these maniacs such an important part of your electoral coalition; that was a bad decision on your end.
As you process the week’s tragedies, spare a tear for the poor, loyal Shart House staffers, who are suddenly worried about how “shuffled paperwork for a terrorist insurrection” is going to look on a resumé. Now, I’m a compassionate guy; if times ever get truly tough for these poor lackeys, I have plenty of shit they can eat.
But y’know somethin’? A thousand years ago, when I was wrapping up my last blog, the first results of the Georgia Senate runoffs were just starting to trickle in. For all the horrible shit the country has been through these last few years, we just installed, in two seats the Republican Party has come to view as personal property, a young, liberal, Jewish filmmaker, and the Pastor at Martin Luther King Jr.’s church, the first Black Senator in Georgia history. And in doing so, swung the whole dang Senate into Chuck Schumer’s lovin’ arms.
I know dozens, if not hundreds of you reading this right now donated to those campaigns. Made calls. Knocked on doors. Sent postcards. In a week that’s seen some deeply fucked up notions about the meaning of patriotism, we came together to accomplish something wonderful for our country. Something that changed the course of history, pried power out of Mitch McConnell’s abusive hands, and gave the incoming administration a fighting chance to do some much-needed good. I thank you for it.
Things’re pretty intense right now. The House is looking to impeach the motherfucker again (for incitement of insurrection, which, y’know…is objectively how the guy spent his Wednesday) as early as Monday. Lisa Murkowski is threatening to leave the Republican Party. And the Mets and the Indians made a really big trade (Shazam!).
ANYWAY, soooooooooo yeah. Congratulations, you are officially living through the United States of America’s first ever non-peaceful transfer of power. There should be a challenge coin, don’tcha think?
Oh, incidentally, COVID-19 broke the 4,000-American-deaths-in-one-day barrier, and the worst is still to come. Everything is awful. Everything. I’m sorry. Seriously. What the fuck.
Hey, it’s been a nonstop batguano tornado this week, and I am 100% sure I missed a bunch of details, for which I beg your forgiveness. JESUS CHRIST THE DODDERING FUCK JUST GOT PERMANENTLY SUSPENDED FROM TWITTER, CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE I’M TRYING TO WRITE A CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH?
It never stops. But I have to, for now. I’m tired. And my HBO Max free trial period ends tomorrow. The sitting President of the United States has been banned from Twitter for inciting violence, “may you live in interesting times,” FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU