Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Oh, we’re “angry” and “hostile” now, huh?
Somewhat predictably, a bunch of voices from the GOP are out making the rounds already, screeching that after the endless parade of right wing shooters/murderers all being Lone Wolves Who Couldn’t Possibly Have Been Motivated in Any Small Way By the Perpetual Right Wing Outrage Media Machine, today’s shooting (well, the first one. There was actually a SECOND mass shooting.) is 100% the fault of the Entire Left and their unfair criticism of the Poor Put Upon Victim in the Oval Office.
Seriously, fuck right off forever.
And before we move on, Fuck You Too, James Hodgkinson. Fuck you for thinking you have the right to gun down any human being who disagrees with you. You’re a murderous piece of shit and you’re no different from any other murderous piece of shit. You’re Dylann Roof. You’re George Zimmerman. Fuck you for all eternity.
Now, for Newt and co. I believe we were at “fuck off.”
You want to blame anger on the left for this? You think we should “tone it down?”
FUCK no, in fact.
You’re right, though. We ARE angry.
We’re angry you’ve thrown the full weight of one of our nation’s two great political parties behind a cheap con man, a petty crook, a serial sexual abuser, a minority-blaming fear-monger, a racist sack of trash, a wannabe authoritarian doing all he can to knock down the fundamental pillars of American democracy.
We’re angry you’re trying to steal health care from millions of us just to give a fat stack of money to your billionaire donors.
We’re angry that you’ve pulled us out of the Paris Climate Agreement, that you pretend climate change is fake in order to better do the bidding of the fossil fuel companies that fund your party.
We’re angry that you refuse to conduct oversight as the President and his grifter family repeatedly break the law doing all they can to use their office to line their own pockets.
We’re angry that you stand silently by as the President attacks the judiciary and the press, as he lies about voter fraud. Obviously we’re angry that you stand behind a dirtbag who incited violence time and time again on the campaign trail, and somehow act like any criticism of him, however legitimate, is to blame for this morning’s tragedy.
We’re angry that you shield the administration from the consequences of their crimes. That you refuse to hold them to account for their perjury and their obstruction.
We’re angry that you’re trying to destroy Planned Parenthood, that you don’t believe women have the right the make decisions about their own reproductive health, their own bodies.
We’re angry that you refused to recognize LGBT Pride month, that you act like the great civil rights battle of the 21st century is fighting to allow bigots legal cover to humiliate and discriminate against their fellow Americans under the comical guise of “religious liberty.”
We’re angry that you’re shitting on our constitution in a cowardly, fear-driven attempt to impose a religious test on refugees and immigrants.
We’re angry at the surge in civilian casualties in the increasingly unsupervised military actions in the Middle East.
We’re angry that you’re trying to cut everything from medical research to the State Department to NPR to meals on wheels just so the richest among us can be a little richer.
We’re angry that you’re trying to sell public lands to fossil fuel companies. We’re angry that you’re selling out public schools. We’re angry that you’re trying to steal away our hard-won consumer protections to make it easier for predatory financial institutions to take advantage of us. We’re angry that you’re attacking net neutrality.
We’re angry that you find yourself in power at least partially because of the malicious actions of a hostile foreign adversary, and that you’re doing everything you can muster to cover up for them, to shield those who benefited from accountability.
And yes, we’re angry, by the way, that you’ve done everything in your power to make sure that guns, even semi-automatic guns with high capacity magazines, are pathetically easy for anyone to get ahold of without trouble, even domestic abusers like the man who shot up the GOP congressional baseball practice this morning. You may recall a few weeks ago, when you repealed a regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to purchase firearms. We’re mad about that, too. We’re angry about all the senseless, useless, utterly preventable gun deaths, from Sandy Hook to Aurora to Pulse to the shooting at a UPS facility in San Francisco just today, all enabled by your shameful servility to death merchants in the NRA. We’re not just angry about the mass shootings, of course. We’re angry about the children who die when they find their guardian’s unsecured gun. The victims of gang violence. The countless women murdered by abusive partners. The suicides that need not have been. The arguments that turned fatal because a firearm was near. The law enforcement officers killed by armed criminals. And all those lives lost just from gun accidents. You’re goddamn right we’re angry.
In short, we are, you’re right, mighty fuckin’ angry about a whole bunch of shit that we are 100%, completely, totally, overwhelmingly CORRECT TO BE ANGRY ABOUT. Anyone who loves their country, their planet, and their fellow human beings is going to be angry about this shit.
And now, we’re even angrier at the bullshit double-standard you’re applying to this tragedy in contrast to all the others. That you have the gall to attempt to order us into silence while you keep destroying our nation under the bumbling “leadership” of the petty tyrant goon you’re all so willingly enabling is as galling as it is laughable. I feel like I’m repeating myself, but Fuck Right Off.
We’re not shutting up, Newt, sorry. We’ll continue overwhelming your call boards, protesting at your town halls, and marching in the streets. We will continue to meet your horrific agenda with the hostility it so richly deserves. And come election night next year, we’re kicking your sorry, collaborating asses straight to the private sector.