And today felt like a SLOW news day. Fuck.

Well, I suppose today’s madness was comparatively light. (Scans news feed.) Wow, my standards sure have changed this year.

We all went to bed worrying about whether the Malignant Mango Madman would fire Robert Mueller. Even Republican leaders are all, “Sweet Christ on Toast, don’t do that, you potato-brained moron!,” and we’re assured that top aides keep telling him what a terrible idea it is, but as smarter folks than I have pointed out, only Donnie Darko himself knows exactly how much garbage Mueller’s eventually going to dig up, so good luck restraining a tantruming billionaire looking to avoid the consequences for a lifetimes’ worth of what we can assume are legit serious crimes. Cornered animals are legendarily docile and friendly, right?

So I guess Oliver Stone is makin’ the rounds pimping some great big multi-part asslicking interview he shot with Uncle Vlad? While I’ll be the first to acknowledge that the United States isn’t always the Good Guy out there in the lager world, Stone is one of those lunatics who’s swung so far left he’s coming back around from the right, taking criticism of his country so far that he’s talking up the positive sides of a murderous thug. “Sure, he has critics jailed or killed, but his enthusiastic fandom of professional bowling is really quite endearing!”

Speaking of Ollie’s good buddy, Bloomberg told us that Russia tried to hack voter databases and election software in 39 states last year. That’s not a big deal, I mean, there are like, 6,000 states, right? Wait, what? Just 50? Well, fuck.

Anyhow, it seems the hackers tried to “alter or delete” voter data. The story as it stands right now is that they were somehow 100% unsuccessful in their efforts. Which, considering a handful of swing state votes planted a certain second-place finisher in charge of the most potent military in the history of the world, strikes me as something worth following up on. Anyhow, in light of these cyber attacks, the Obama administration tried to take steps to protect the integrity of our election systems, but Republicans, who had already balked at telling the American people that Vlad & co were interfering in our election on Drumpfy’s behalf, refused, because if you have to betray your nation to cut rich folks’ taxes, SO FUCKING BE IT.

Meanwhile, the Guardian tells us that Princess Ivanka has her Kellyanne-Conway-endorsed products made in an Indonesian sweatshop that cheats and abuses their barely-paid workers! Forgive my editorializing, friends, but I’m starting to think this Trump family maybe doesn’t always act altruistically.

Hey, turns out the Golden State Warriors celebrated their NBA championship by voting, allegedly unanimously, to skip the traditional celebratory White House visit on account of how the President is a hatemongering bowl of hippopotamus diarrhea instead of a relatively well-intentioned human being like usual. Good on ya, Warriors!

Seems the Senate GOP, in their ever-more-desperate attempts to keep their forthcoming Surprise (We’re Taking Away Your Health Care, Enjoy Cancer) Party a secret, decided to take Boss Shart’s authoritarianism out for a little test drive. These fucks tried telling reporters that, in spite of decades of precedent, they’d no longer be able to record interviews with Senators in Senate hallways without a permission slip and also answering seven riddles. Backlash was swift, unanimous*, and effective, as the policy was reversed before the daytime soaps were over.

*Well, ALMOST unanimous. Senator Tim Scott came up with the novel excuse that the new ban was necessary to protect poor, innocent senators from having their PINs stolen by treacherous journalists, because that’s literally the closest thing to a legitimate reason for public servants attacking the free press any of these assclowns could muster.

Have you noticed that the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser has started blocking critical Twitter users? It’s totally normal for an American President to deny American citizens access to his communications, right? RIGHT? Anyhow, in his fervor to silence dissent, he seems to have added VoteVets, an organization that represents thousands of veterans and their families, to his silent treatment list. Telling veterans to go fuck themselves is the new We Have Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. Or something.

John McCain made some comments the other day that were super critical of the Spraytan Sultan, and today he walked them right back like the MINO (that’s Maverick In Name Only, if you’re just getting here) he is. And then today, it turns out that his wife is going to work for the President, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE.

Anyhow, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein’s testimony was the day’s opening act, and while he’s not as established as the headliner, I think his new single, “I’m the Only Guy Who Can Fire Mueller and I Wouldn’t Do it Without Cause Even if Littlefinger Ordered Me To,” is catchy and will become a surprise summer hit.

On to main event.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III took an oath he was planning to immediately, repeatedly, and gleefully violate, turned around in place three times, and finally settled into his chair. The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg was barkin’ mad about all the vile insinuations that arose from a silly ol’ thing like committing perjury in multiple settings regarding undisclosed meetings with Russian bigwigs while Russia was doing all it could to swing the election to his Bloat of a boss. His honah was impugned, y’see.

Anyhow, to hear JeffBeau tell it, he only done perjured himself so bad because that tricksy Jewish boy from Minnesota tripped him up with his fancy questionin’ and whatnot, YOU KNOW HOW THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

It all went down exactly as you’d have expected. The Republicans on the panel did all they could to prop up the bullshit story that Ol’ Beau violated his recusal to recommend Jim Comey’s firing in a fit of outrage at how unfairly Jimward treated that poor Clinton woman. Richard Burr covered Jeff’s ass so vigorously, you want to refer to him as an Alabama Speedo. Tom Cotton joked about how everything is silly like a spy book, and Jefferson smiled awkwardly because he cannot read.

And the Democrats, in contrast, asked REAL questions, which the Attorney General steadfastly refused to answer. Sessions repeatedly insisted he wasn’t invoking executive privilege, but rather a for-sure-real Special Sumthin’ that gives him the right to not answer questions if he doesn’t wanna, let’s call it…Muxecupive Scmivlige.

A particular highlight was when America’s lead law enforcement official told us casually that he’s never had a single briefing on Russian interference in the election. Reminds you of last week, when Jazzy Jim told us that while the Sunny D-Bag kept trying to get all those pesky investigations stopped, he never once asked about Russian interference either. Maybe I’m not being fair here, but it’s almost as if this administration doesn’t want a hostile foreign power to stop manipulating America’s electoral system on their behalf. (Somewhere, Jim Risch collapses on a fainting couch.)

All the Republicans took special care to shush Senator Kamala Harris because she is not only a female person but a black one, and Mistuh Sessions simply would not abide bein’ talked down to by someone of such persuasions. If you’d been able to read Jeff’s mind at that precise moment, he’d have been thinking “back in my day…” and finished that thought with something genuinely horrifying that I’d as soon not contemplate.

Anyhow, even though Senators Harris, King and Heinrich made him squirm a bit for spoutin’ all that gentlemanly bullshit, Sessions mostly smirked and filibustered through the hearing, confident that the Republican-controlled Senate wouldn’t hold him in contempt of congress just because he was in contempt of congress. I swear, these jags must think tomorrow never will just never fucking come.

While his white supremacist bloodhound testified, the Candycorn Skidmark was talking up his Let’s Mulch the Plebes, excuse me, “Health Care” bill with some other senators, and he called the house version of the AHCA “mean,” which is a bit like referring to the most famous day in Pompeii history as “a bit muggy.” If it was so “mean,” can I ask why you threw the full power of your office and pulpit behind it, and held a giant fucking party in the Rose Garden when they passed it, you great big Shart?

Oh, and it turns out even USA Today is on the deep-dig investigative journalism bandwagon, (which David Fahrenthold was doing before it was cool) cuz they dropped a little bomb about how the Drumpf Organization increasingly sells property to shady, secretive, LLC shell companies to shield the identities of the buyers so it’s harder to find out just exactly who’s bribing our President. We have all sorts of problems we never imagined in Donald Trump’s America, don’t we?

Anyhow, on the less sexxxy level, Team Shart continues to rampage through the Federal government on the cabinet level. They’re trying to gut the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s independence. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to sell chunks of the Bear Ears National Monument to oil companies or Scrooge McDuck or something, because even the Secretary of the Interior is a fuckhead now. Rex Tillerson keeps dutifully advocating for his boss’ massive cuts to the State Department, mostly because Rex seems to think that’ll be easier than taking the time to learn what exactly it is the State Department does. Scott Pruitt is probably personally pouring oil on baby otters. These people suck, is what I’m saying.

Times are nutty and gross folks, but at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that Old Shartful’s disapproval ratings hit 60% today, lower than any President except Dubya, and that was after years of fucking up the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and also the Katrina debacle.

Everybody hates him, and his party, and we’re one day closer to our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. And that’s good.