Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
And today felt like a SLOW news day. Fuck.
Well, I suppose today’s madness was comparatively light. (Scans news feed.) Wow, my standards sure have changed this year.
We all went to bed worrying about whether the Malignant Mango Madman would fire Robert Mueller. Even Republican leaders are all, “Sweet Christ on Toast, don’t do that, you potato-brained moron!,” and we’re assured that top aides keep telling him what a terrible idea it is, but as smarter folks than I have pointed out, only Donnie Darko himself knows exactly how much garbage Mueller’s eventually going to dig up, so good luck restraining a tantruming billionaire looking to avoid the consequences for a lifetimes’ worth of what we can assume are legit serious crimes. Cornered animals are legendarily docile and friendly, right?
So I guess Oliver Stone is makin’ the rounds pimping some great big multi-part asslicking interview he shot with Uncle Vlad? While I’ll be the first to acknowledge that the United States isn’t always the Good Guy out there in the lager world, Stone is one of those lunatics who’s swung so far left he’s coming back around from the right, taking criticism of his country so far that he’s talking up the positive sides of a murderous thug. “Sure, he has critics jailed or killed, but his enthusiastic fandom of professional bowling is really quite endearing!”
Speaking of Ollie’s good buddy, Bloomberg told us that Russia tried to hack voter databases and election software in 39 states last year. That’s not a big deal, I mean, there are like, 6,000 states, right? Wait, what? Just 50? Well, fuck.
Anyhow, it seems the hackers tried to “alter or delete” voter data. The story as it stands right now is that they were somehow 100% unsuccessful in their efforts. Which, considering a handful of swing state votes planted a certain second-place finisher in charge of the most potent military in the history of the world, strikes me as something worth following up on. Anyhow, in light of these cyber attacks, the Obama administration tried to take steps to protect the integrity of our election systems, but Republicans, who had already balked at telling the American people that Vlad & co were interfering in our election on Drumpfy’s behalf, refused, because if you have to betray your nation to cut rich folks’ taxes, SO FUCKING BE IT.
Meanwhile, the Guardian tells us that Princess Ivanka has her Kellyanne-Conway-endorsed products made in an Indonesian sweatshop that cheats and abuses their barely-paid workers! Forgive my editorializing, friends, but I’m starting to think this Trump family maybe doesn’t always act altruistically.
Hey, turns out the Golden State Warriors celebrated their NBA championship by voting, allegedly unanimously, to skip the traditional celebratory White House visit on account of how the President is a hatemongering bowl of hippopotamus diarrhea instead of a relatively well-intentioned human being like usual. Good on ya, Warriors!
Seems the Senate GOP, in their ever-more-desperate attempts to keep their forthcoming Surprise (We’re Taking Away Your Health Care, Enjoy Cancer) Party a secret, decided to take Boss Shart’s authoritarianism out for a little test drive. These fucks tried telling reporters that, in spite of decades of precedent, they’d no longer be able to record interviews with Senators in Senate hallways without a permission slip and also answering seven riddles. Backlash was swift, unanimous*, and effective, as the policy was reversed before the daytime soaps were over.
*Well, ALMOST unanimous. Senator Tim Scott came up with the novel excuse that the new ban was necessary to protect poor, innocent senators from having their PINs stolen by treacherous journalists, because that’s literally the closest thing to a legitimate reason for public servants attacking the free press any of these assclowns could muster.
Have you noticed that the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser has started blocking critical Twitter users? It’s totally normal for an American President to deny American citizens access to his communications, right? RIGHT? Anyhow, in his fervor to silence dissent, he seems to have added VoteVets, an organization that represents thousands of veterans and their families, to his silent treatment list. Telling veterans to go fuck themselves is the new We Have Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. Or something.
John McCain made some comments the other day that were super critical of the Spraytan Sultan, and today he walked them right back like the MINO (that’s Maverick In Name Only, if you’re just getting here) he is. And then today, it turns out that his wife is going to work for the President, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE.
Anyhow, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein’s testimony was the day’s opening act, and while he’s not as established as the headliner, I think his new single, “I’m the Only Guy Who Can Fire Mueller and I Wouldn’t Do it Without Cause Even if Littlefinger Ordered Me To,” is catchy and will become a surprise summer hit.
On to main event.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III took an oath he was planning to immediately, repeatedly, and gleefully violate, turned around in place three times, and finally settled into his chair. The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg was barkin’ mad about all the vile insinuations that arose from a silly ol’ thing like committing perjury in multiple settings regarding undisclosed meetings with Russian bigwigs while Russia was doing all it could to swing the election to his Bloat of a boss. His honah was impugned, y’see.
Anyhow, to hear JeffBeau tell it, he only done perjured himself so bad because that tricksy Jewish boy from Minnesota tripped him up with his fancy questionin’ and whatnot, YOU KNOW HOW THOSE PEOPLE ARE.
It all went down exactly as you’d have expected. The Republicans on the panel did all they could to prop up the bullshit story that Ol’ Beau violated his recusal to recommend Jim Comey’s firing in a fit of outrage at how unfairly Jimward treated that poor Clinton woman. Richard Burr covered Jeff’s ass so vigorously, you want to refer to him as an Alabama Speedo. Tom Cotton joked about how everything is silly like a spy book, and Jefferson smiled awkwardly because he cannot read.
And the Democrats, in contrast, asked REAL questions, which the Attorney General steadfastly refused to answer. Sessions repeatedly insisted he wasn’t invoking executive privilege, but rather a for-sure-real Special Sumthin’ that gives him the right to not answer questions if he doesn’t wanna, let’s call it…Muxecupive Scmivlige.
A particular highlight was when America’s lead law enforcement official told us casually that he’s never had a single briefing on Russian interference in the election. Reminds you of last week, when Jazzy Jim told us that while the Sunny D-Bag kept trying to get all those pesky investigations stopped, he never once asked about Russian interference either. Maybe I’m not being fair here, but it’s almost as if this administration doesn’t want a hostile foreign power to stop manipulating America’s electoral system on their behalf. (Somewhere, Jim Risch collapses on a fainting couch.)
All the Republicans took special care to shush Senator Kamala Harris because she is not only a female person but a black one, and Mistuh Sessions simply would not abide bein’ talked down to by someone of such persuasions. If you’d been able to read Jeff’s mind at that precise moment, he’d have been thinking “back in my day…” and finished that thought with something genuinely horrifying that I’d as soon not contemplate.
Anyhow, even though Senators Harris, King and Heinrich made him squirm a bit for spoutin’ all that gentlemanly bullshit, Sessions mostly smirked and filibustered through the hearing, confident that the Republican-controlled Senate wouldn’t hold him in contempt of congress just because he was in contempt of congress. I swear, these jags must think tomorrow never will just never fucking come.
While his white supremacist bloodhound testified, the Candycorn Skidmark was talking up his Let’s Mulch the Plebes, excuse me, “Health Care” bill with some other senators, and he called the house version of the AHCA “mean,” which is a bit like referring to the most famous day in Pompeii history as “a bit muggy.” If it was so “mean,” can I ask why you threw the full power of your office and pulpit behind it, and held a giant fucking party in the Rose Garden when they passed it, you great big Shart?
Oh, and it turns out even USA Today is on the deep-dig investigative journalism bandwagon, (which David Fahrenthold was doing before it was cool) cuz they dropped a little bomb about how the Drumpf Organization increasingly sells property to shady, secretive, LLC shell companies to shield the identities of the buyers so it’s harder to find out just exactly who’s bribing our President. We have all sorts of problems we never imagined in Donald Trump’s America, don’t we?
Anyhow, on the less sexxxy level, Team Shart continues to rampage through the Federal government on the cabinet level. They’re trying to gut the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s independence. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to sell chunks of the Bear Ears National Monument to oil companies or Scrooge McDuck or something, because even the Secretary of the Interior is a fuckhead now. Rex Tillerson keeps dutifully advocating for his boss’ massive cuts to the State Department, mostly because Rex seems to think that’ll be easier than taking the time to learn what exactly it is the State Department does. Scott Pruitt is probably personally pouring oil on baby otters. These people suck, is what I’m saying.
Times are nutty and gross folks, but at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that Old Shartful’s disapproval ratings hit 60% today, lower than any President except Dubya, and that was after years of fucking up the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and also the Katrina debacle.
Everybody hates him, and his party, and we’re one day closer to our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. And that’s good.