Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
One Last Shower Cap Update Before We All Go Back to Obsessively Staring at the Clock Waiting for the Midterms Results to Roll In
Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It’s like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there’s a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs.
Well, let me give you one final overlong news blog before we hunker down to await the results, white-knuckled and inebriated. When you’re done, the Goddam Midterms will be five minutes closer! And don’t forget to use Shower Cap’s Guide for the Goddamn Midterms tomorrow, it’ll help ya get to know all your freshly-elected officials!
President Crotchvoid, demonstrating his commitment to the “Consoler-in-Chief” role traditionally played by the President in the aftermath of a national tragedy, lamented the last week’s surge in white nationalist terror, if only in terms of his perceived political “momentum.” Do you hear that, America? As you mourn the victims of bigotry and hate, spare a tear for your poor put-upon President, because all the senseless bloodshed meant that people stopped paying attention to him for a few hours.
Shitty White Guy Terrorism didn’t wait long to rear its Shitty White Guy head again, as one of the crapworms of the incel movement shot up a yoga studio last Friday. The choice of a yoga studio as target really demonstrates the radicalizing effects of these dirtbag internet communities. That this unhinged rage monster, with a history of run-ins with the law stemming from harassing women, and a library of videos filled with his hatred of women that included violent ideation, still had access to firearms, is INSANITY.
So long as we grant every hate-warped jackass unfettered access to murder machines, they are going to keep on killing people. That is the clear, simple truth. There is no other side to this argument. Let’s make sure the NRA has a bad night tomorrow, ok?
I confess I get a kick out of the new, Hey Guys Can I Join the Resistance Please? Guys? version of Michael Cohen, he’s sorta cute in his neediness. Anyhow, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is eagerly offering up the truly shocking intelligence that Donald Trump said racist things around him before their relationship collapsed in a flurry of indictments and private confession sessions with Bodacious Bob Mueller. You want redemption, Mikey? Send your old boss to prison, then we’ll talk.
So, the Nigerian military slaughtered a number of protesters, which is a heartbreaking tragedy, and a crime against humanity. While this sort of monstrosity is all too common, what you don’t typically see in these cases is the mass-murderers responding to international condemnation of their heinous acts by tossing the American President’s words around like a Get Out Jail Free card. Jesus Christ.
Y’know…the United States has always striven to be a beacon of democracy and freedom in the world. And yeah, we fall short…we fall short a LOT, but to stray so far from that mission that our President’s words become a shield for murderous tyranny…it breaks my heart and it boils my blood, and godDAMN I am fuckin’ well ready to vote tomorrow.
…something a little lighter now, I think. Yeah.
A valuable lesson in the Streisand Effect over the weekend, provided by Republican CongressJag Jeff Fortenberry’s self-control-challenged Chief of Staff. This cud-brained buttfungus tried to get a UNL professor fired for “liking” a picture on Facebook, of a defaced campaign sign which urged support of a googly-eyed Jeff…Fartenberry. GET IT? FARTenberry! Instead of FORTenberry! Because FARTS! Anyway, while 99.9% of Americans had no idea Congressmen Fartenfartfart even existed until now, he’s now a coast-to-coast laughingstock, and the incident has been referred for investigation to the House Ethics Committee. Nice work.
Further trouble in Shartopia, as a federal judge ruled that the emoluments clause lawsuit against Boss Treasonweasel can indeed proceed, which means we will soon be in the long-awaited DISCOVERY phase. And that means digging around in alllllll those financial records Sharty McFly has been so desperate to hide from the American people. Who knows what goodies we’ll uncover…evidence he’s been lying about his wealth? Russian money-laundering receipts? A whole credit account dedicated to pee hookers?
I see Rihanna became the latest pop start to order the Velveeta Vulgarian to cease using their music at those shitty little Klan rallies he’s always holding because his actual job bores him. By the time we get to 2020, Shartboy won’t be allowed to play anything except Stephen Miller’s kazoo cover of Tomorrow Belongs to Me.
Late-breaking reporting from the Kansas City Star reveals that RepubliCrook Senator Wannabe Josh Hawley outsourced the running of his Missouri Attorney General’s office to out-of-state political consultants, NEAT! You’d think this would be disqualifying, but the GOP base actually seems kinda horny for dishonesty, hackery, and incompetence these days, so this race looks like one of the real nail-biters.
Even in these batshit crazy days, even when we’re entirely fair in asking, “Hey, on a scale of one to gas chambers, how fascist is the Republican Party gonna be next year?,” I’m stunned at the naked, unapologetic villainy of Georgia’s Brian Kemp. Even as his voter suppression efforts have been slapped down by the courts, even as his utterly corrupt abuse of his office has become headline news all across the country, the little bastard doubles down at every opportunity.
So now Kemp saw Goody Abrams with the Devil…or something. First, the fucker announces, without any evidence whatsoever, that his office is opening an investigation into the Georgia Democrat Party for…does it really matter? The point is, it’s slapped all over the Secretary of State website, and yes, that’s exactly where voters need to go to check their registration status, find polling locations, and so on. So yeah, he’s using taxpayer-funded resources to turn an official government website into a bullshit propaganda tool, and it’s fucking sinister. It’s goddamn un-American, is what it is.
Then it turns out that what’s really going on is Kemp’s Krew attempting to turn a good faith effort to reach out to his office, to draw attention to a potential cyber-security risk, into a smear against his political opponents. Well, if he loses tomorrow, I’m sure he’ll be welcome in the Marmalade Shartcannon’s cabinet.
If he had the staff for it, they’d be personally hand-selecting which people get to vote, tearing up folks’ ballots the minute they leave their polling station. He’s the kind of guy who calls out the National Guard to keep a school from integrating. Brian Kemp is here for the authoritarian takeover of the United States, is what I’m saying.
Oh hey, Hairpiece Himmler’s little deploying-the-military-to-the-border-to-sit-and-wait-for-the-migrant-caravan-that’s-still-hundreds-of-miles-away charade looks to cost taxpayers a couple hundred million bucks or more! Now, I’m pretty fucking angry that I’ve been paying for this assclown’s weekly golf vacations for almost two years, but subsidizing his goddamn campaign stunts? When he abandoned the people of Puerto Rico’s to rot and die? Nah, bro. That doesn’t work for me. About to time to impose some oversight, don’tcha think?
Yeah, I can’t fuckin’ wait to finally, FINALLY vote tomorrow, folks, if only for the opportunity to do my own humble part to push back against the daily atrocity of a President so vile, his closing argument to the midterm electorate was so racist, so hateful, it was deemed unsuitable by every major media outlet, up to and including the 24-Hour White-Folks-Frightenin’ Machine know as Fox News. DAVID DUKE SURE FUCKIN’ LIKED IT, THOUGH.
But now it’s time to make our voices heard. To take a little power away from the folks who make David Duke wet himself with glee, and give it back to the decent people who think David Duke should be locked in a Coachella outhouse and rolled down a hill.
So yeah, here we are. This is the last time we’ll speak before the election. I’m like you, extremely hopeful, but still a bit nervous, since the 11-8-2016 lesson that every seemingly-delicious cupcake might turn out to be filled with maggots and broken glass.
I don’t know for sure what’ll happen tomorrow, but I do know this: the next fights begin Wednesday morning. Maybe we’ll be clawing a stolen office back from a vote-suppressing shitsack. Maybe we’ll slowing down the Trump/McConnell Judicial Fuckwad Pipeline. One way or another we’ve got a lot of innocent children in custody that need our help.
But I do know, we’re done patting ourselves on the back after one successful election, then tuning out. Leaving the hard work to other folks. That’s the hard-learned lesson of these last two years, I think. We’ve learned to be better citizens. We’ve learned to stick around and keep fighting, every single day. And we won’t soon forget.
Ok. That’s that. Let’s go SAVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.