Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It’s like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there’s a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs.

Well, let me give you one final overlong news blog before we hunker down to await the results, white-knuckled and inebriated. When you’re done, the Goddam Midterms will be five minutes closer! And don’t forget to use Shower Cap’s Guide for the Goddamn Midterms tomorrow, it’ll help ya get to know all your freshly-elected officials!

President Crotchvoid, demonstrating his commitment to the “Consoler-in-Chief” role traditionally played by the President in the aftermath of a national tragedy, lamented the last week’s surge in white nationalist terror, if only in terms of his perceived political “momentum.” Do you hear that, America? As you mourn the victims of bigotry and hate, spare a tear for your poor put-upon President, because all the senseless bloodshed meant that people stopped paying attention to him for a few hours.

Shitty White Guy Terrorism didn’t wait long to rear its Shitty White Guy head again, as one of the crapworms of the incel movement shot up a yoga studio last Friday. The choice of a yoga studio as target really demonstrates the radicalizing effects of these dirtbag internet communities. That this unhinged rage monster, with a history of run-ins with the law stemming from harassing women, and a library of videos filled with his hatred of women that included violent ideation, still had access to firearms, is INSANITY.

So long as we grant every hate-warped jackass unfettered access to murder machines, they are going to keep on killing people. That is the clear, simple truth. There is no other side to this argument. Let’s make sure the NRA has a bad night tomorrow, ok?

I confess I get a kick out of the new, Hey Guys Can I Join the Resistance Please? Guys? version of Michael Cohen, he’s sorta cute in his neediness. Anyhow, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is eagerly offering up the truly shocking intelligence that Donald Trump said racist things around him before their relationship collapsed in a flurry of indictments and private confession sessions with Bodacious Bob Mueller. You want redemption, Mikey? Send your old boss to prison, then we’ll talk.

So, the Nigerian military slaughtered a number of protesters, which is a heartbreaking tragedy, and a crime against humanity. While this sort of monstrosity is all too common, what you don’t typically see in these cases is the mass-murderers responding to international condemnation of their heinous acts by tossing the American President’s words around like a Get Out Jail Free card.  Jesus Christ.

Y’know…the United States has always striven to be a beacon of democracy and freedom in the world. And yeah, we fall short…we fall short a LOT, but to stray so far from that mission that our President’s words become a shield for murderous tyranny…it breaks my heart and it boils my blood, and godDAMN I am fuckin’ well ready to vote tomorrow.

…something a little lighter now, I think.  Yeah.

A valuable lesson in the Streisand Effect over the weekend, provided by Republican CongressJag Jeff Fortenberry’s self-control-challenged Chief of Staff. This cud-brained buttfungus tried to get a UNL professor fired for “liking” a picture on Facebook, of a defaced campaign sign which urged support of a googly-eyed Jeff…Fartenberry.  GET IT? FARTenberry! Instead of FORTenberry!  Because FARTS! Anyway, while 99.9% of Americans had no idea Congressmen Fartenfartfart even existed until now, he’s now a coast-to-coast laughingstock, and the incident has been referred for investigation to the House Ethics Committee. Nice work.

Further trouble in Shartopia, as a federal judge ruled that the emoluments clause lawsuit against Boss Treasonweasel can indeed proceed, which means we will soon be in the long-awaited DISCOVERY phase. And that means digging around in alllllll those financial records Sharty McFly has been so desperate to hide from the American people. Who knows what goodies we’ll uncover…evidence he’s been lying about his wealth? Russian money-laundering receipts? A whole credit account dedicated to pee hookers?

I see Rihanna became the latest pop start to order the Velveeta Vulgarian to cease using their music at those shitty little Klan rallies he’s always holding because his actual job bores him. By the time we get to 2020, Shartboy won’t be allowed to play anything except Stephen Miller’s kazoo cover of Tomorrow Belongs to Me.

Late-breaking reporting from the Kansas City Star reveals that RepubliCrook Senator Wannabe Josh Hawley outsourced the running of his Missouri Attorney General’s office to out-of-state political consultants, NEAT! You’d think this would be disqualifying, but the GOP base actually seems kinda horny for dishonesty, hackery, and incompetence these days, so this race looks like one of the real nail-biters.

Even in these batshit crazy days, even when we’re entirely fair in asking, “Hey, on a scale of one to gas chambers, how fascist is the Republican Party gonna be next year?,” I’m stunned at the naked, unapologetic villainy of Georgia’s Brian Kemp. Even as his voter suppression efforts have been slapped down by the courts, even as his utterly corrupt abuse of his office has become headline news all across the country, the little bastard doubles down at every opportunity.

So now Kemp saw Goody Abrams with the Devil…or something. First, the fucker announces, without any evidence whatsoever, that his office is opening an investigation into the Georgia Democrat Party for…does it really matter? The point is, it’s slapped all over the Secretary of State website, and yes, that’s exactly where voters need to go to check their registration status, find polling locations, and so on. So yeah, he’s using taxpayer-funded resources to turn an official government website into a bullshit propaganda tool, and it’s fucking sinister. It’s goddamn un-American, is what it is.

Then it turns out that what’s really going on is Kemp’s Krew attempting to turn a good faith effort to reach out to his office, to draw attention to a potential cyber-security risk, into a smear against his political opponents. Well, if he loses tomorrow, I’m sure he’ll be welcome in the Marmalade Shartcannon’s cabinet.

If he had the staff for it, they’d be personally hand-selecting which people get to vote, tearing up folks’ ballots the minute they leave their polling station. He’s the kind of guy who calls out the National Guard to keep a school from integrating. Brian Kemp is here for the authoritarian takeover of the United States, is what I’m saying.

Oh hey, Hairpiece Himmler’s little deploying-the-military-to-the-border-to-sit-and-wait-for-the-migrant-caravan-that’s-still-hundreds-of-miles-away charade looks to cost taxpayers a couple hundred million bucks or more! Now, I’m pretty fucking angry that I’ve been paying for this assclown’s weekly golf vacations for almost two years, but subsidizing his goddamn campaign stunts? When he abandoned the people of Puerto Rico’s to rot and die? Nah, bro. That doesn’t work for me. About to time to impose some oversight, don’tcha think?

Yeah, I can’t fuckin’ wait to finally, FINALLY vote tomorrow, folks, if only for the opportunity to do my own humble part to push back against the daily atrocity of a President so vile, his closing argument to the midterm electorate was so racist, so hateful, it was deemed unsuitable by every major media outlet, up to and including the 24-Hour White-Folks-Frightenin’ Machine know as Fox News. DAVID DUKE SURE FUCKIN’ LIKED IT, THOUGH.

But now it’s time to make our voices heard. To take a little power away from the folks who make David Duke wet himself with glee, and give it back to the decent people who think David Duke should be locked in a Coachella outhouse and rolled down a hill.

So yeah, here we are. This is the last time we’ll speak before the election. I’m like you, extremely hopeful, but still a bit nervous, since the 11-8-2016 lesson that every seemingly-delicious cupcake might turn out to be filled with maggots and broken glass.

I don’t know for sure what’ll happen tomorrow, but I do know this: the next fights begin Wednesday morning. Maybe we’ll be clawing a stolen office back from a vote-suppressing shitsack. Maybe we’ll slowing down the Trump/McConnell Judicial Fuckwad Pipeline. One way or another we’ve got a lot of innocent children in custody that need our help.

But I do know, we’re done patting ourselves on the back after one successful election, then tuning out. Leaving the hard work to other folks. That’s the hard-learned lesson of these last two years, I think. We’ve learned to be better citizens. We’ve learned to stick around and keep fighting, every single day. And we won’t soon forget.

Ok. That’s that. Let’s go SAVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.