Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Overcharging the American People for Concentration Camps is the Most Donald Trump Thing Ever, & Other News
This week’s news fell out of the ugly tree & hit every single branch on the way down, & then the squirrels that live in the ugly tree took turns shitting on it. The news is buried under the poo of ugly squirrels, is what I’m telling you. So let’s dig it out, I guess.
Let me say that the last three years have taught me immense respect for journalists and the work they do. I am beyond grateful for every single story exposing the corrupt rot of the organized crime ring currently squatting in our government. THAT SAID, if you’re so warped by the intoxicating air of proximity and access to power that you went to Sarah Huckleberry Slanders’ godforsaken going away party, turn in your damn press pass. Fuck, turn in your American citizenship. That woman is one of the greatest villains in our country’s history; she was given a huge pulpit and all the power that went along with it, and she used it to shred, maul, and dismember the very idea of truth. You don’t drink with someone like that. You don’t politely applaud her off-key karaoke rendering of Hold On by Wilson Phillips. My God, can’t we muster a little light shunning when it comes to the unapologetically evil?
Hey, speaking of human garbage, Duncan Hunter is…wow. He’s what “living your best life” looks like when you’re an irredeemable piece of shit. Seems he was financing not just lavish family vacations, but multiple affairs, with illegally embezzled campaign funds. Oh, and he’s now been accused of drunkenly groping a staffer. I haven’t seen any articles that explicitly state this, but I don’t think Dunc Tank’s marriage is going to survive this.
Hey look, Sonny Perdue’s Agriculture Department has been hiding research on the effects of climate change, which, as you’ll remember from middle school, totally invalidates any and all conclusions of said research under Newton’s Eleventy-Fifth Law of Science. You don’t hear a whole lot about ol’ Sonny, but frankly I appreciate the organization-wide consistency. Kinda like when Elaine Chao turned out to be Fifty Shades of Crooked, too; we’re not obligated to give any of these unscrupulous fucks the benefit of the doubt. So, in about six weeks when we find the meth lab Rick Perry built in the Department of Energy break room, we won’t even blink.
Acting Customs and Border Protection Commissioner John Sanders resigned after just two months on the job, expressing surprise at just how quickly a human soul can acquire an irremovable stain. It’s getting hard to find somebody sufficiently cruel to fill the post of America’s Chief Atrocity Officer; I imagine the interview is just Mick Mulvaney ordering candidates to strangle a corgi puppy to death with their bare hands, and dismissing anyone who hesitates.
Adding insult to inhumanity, this week we learned just how much our American concentration camps are costing us; $775 per child per day. Fuck, the party of fiscal responsibility can’t deliver child torture on a budget? Can’t the Shart of the Deal work something out with his old Chief of Staff, John Kelly, who’s profiting off this abomination? Is Paul Ryan at all concerned about how much this state-sponsored terrorism campaign will add to the deficit?
Shit, Stephen Miller’d run ‘em for free, y’all know that. Creepy little bastard would PAY $775 per child to make them beg for soap and toothpaste.
Of course, Meghan McCain helpfully reminded us that the real victim of the mass detention of children in horrifying conditions is Meghan McCain, because she feels these kids aren’t being tortured as hard as her father was at the Hanoi Hilton, and holy fuckballs, what sort of weapons-grade self-absorption must be running through your veins to make you interject that garbage into a discussion about children suffering and dying?
And Jerry Falwell, Jr. wants everyone to understand that while the Bible says you shouldn’t worship golden calves, it doesn’t say anything about kneeling before a golden toilet. A proud, devout, fellow like Jerry wasn’t going to stand idly by while a so-called Christian heretically claimed “Hey, torturing children is bad,” no sirree! He skillfully invoked Matthew 4:17, which reads “And Jesus said unto them, if thou hast ne’er made a payroll, shut thy fucking mouth about literally everything.”
…like, I know the religious right is all one giant, cynical, grift, designed to part fools from their money, but aren’t there like, six or seven people who may’ve at least skimmed the Bible anywhere in the evangelical movement? Is no one at least checking the index for the world “payroll?”
God knows America’s faux holy men were unmoved by the now-iconic photo of a father and daughter who drowned attempting to cross the Rio Grande after being turned away at a legal point of entry. In fact, the newest member of the gang of white nationalist thugs taking the nation’s immigration policy out for a malicious, homicidal, joyride, Ken Cuccinelli, couldn’t wait to slither out onto television to piss on their graves.
Yet another of Th’Best People bit the dust, as Shart Garfunkel’s Chief of Protocol departed amidst allegations that he menaces staff with a horsewhip. And we Resisters are so battle-hardened now, we don’t even bat an eye at that kind of (admittedly deeply weird) shit anymore, do we? “Horsewhip? Sounds about right, anyway, where’s the next protest?”
Mark your calendars, the Robert Mueller Experience is coming to your town! Yes, The Bobadook will be testifying publicly before the House Judiciary and Intelligence Committees next month, much to the chagrin of a certain Walking Pile of Donkey Crap Who Shall Remain Nameless. Many of the dumbest men in human history, who are coincidentally members of the House Republican Caucus, are hilariously overeager to “trap” Mueller with gotcha questions about conspiracy theories they pulled straight from the Breitbart comments section, and it’s like waiting for your third grade teacher to sit on the whoopie cushion you left on her chair for April Fool’s day, only instead of a fart noise you get the delectable justice of watching a bunch of collaborating shitweasels self-immolate.
(In fairness, Matt Gaetz may not be able to devote his full attention to humiliating himself on national television this time ’round, as his attention is likely to be divided, what with his brand new House Ethics Committee investigation, into that one time he decided to revolutionize the field of anonymous threatening phone calls by using his very public twitter account to intimidate Michael Cohen instead.)
Anyway, it’s gonna be a show. Mueller isn’t expected to say anything we don’t already know, but as his recent televised statement proved, America just needs to see him say all this shit out loud. Yes, the report is right there for anyone to read; no, we’re not going to read it, not with so many Candy Crush levels yet to be explored.
Musings and invocations go out to the absolute rat finks at NRATV, the latest casualties of the Scumfuck Death Merchant Civil War wrecking the National Rifle Association. Rest in a Festering Pile of Liquid Shit, you monsters. Even as we’ve watched the American conservative movement flirt with open fascism, YOU, you murder-pimping colon polyps, suckling the blood of slaughtered children from the teat of Money And Frankly Not Really Even All That Much Money, stand out as unusually morally warped amongst the chorus of turd-gargling demons that make up the modern Republican Party. In conclusion, fuck off forever.
Seems a waitress in Chicago spit on Eric Trump. The real story here is that apparently sometimes, Eric goes out in public without getting spit on. Actually, no, that’s not right. The real story here is that apparently sometimes, Eric goes out in public without all decent human beings pelting him with shit until he flees in shame. I confess, I think that’s weird.
They’re really all in on this “your laws can eat my ass” thing, and I guess I get the logic behind that choice. I mean, when you were installed by a hostile foreign power expressly to fuck America’s shit up seven ways from Sunday, what’s a Hatch Act violation here and there? Like, I bet Steve Mnuchin stopped paying his parking tickets, because why throw money away when there’s an outside chance the boss declares himself President for Life and you survive the ensuing civil war and your ill-gotten wealth is still worth something in the hellish world that follows and okay maybe we didn’t quite think this shit through but fuck your subpoena anyway.
I see President Gas Station Urinal Cake is feuding with another athlete, Megan Rapinoe from the U.S. women’s national soccer team. Like all decent people, Rapinoe wants to stay as far away from Weehands McNodick as possible; like all people who achieve success and greatness without cheating, she drives him insane with envy.
The Roberts/Gorsuch/Kavanaugh Supreme Court majority delivered a tragically predictable gravy boat full of fuckery with their gerrymandering ruling, consistent with their belief that there’s a “Whites Only” sticker on the back of the Constitution. In related news, Republican legislatures around the country are uniting to send personalized thank you notes to every single Jill Stein voter in the Rust Belt, reading, “Without your mush-brained self-righteousness, none of this would have been possible, and we’d have to change with the times and listen to the voters instead of hand-selecting the voices that get to be heard, P.S. climate change is a hoax.”
The census decision went a little better (for the moment, anyway), and President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive did NOT take the news well, though you’d think if there was anything he’d be used to by now, it would be losing in court. So, naturally, he unhesitatingly suggested delaying the census until such time as he got his way, and isn’t it amazing how his first instincts are always terrifyingly anti-constitutional? Like, at next year’s State of the Union, he’s totally gonna propose quartering soldiers in private homes. For no reason. Just cuz.
Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson dropped a diss track on Jared Kushner this week, as Jar-Jar was apparently in the habit of sneaking around and doin’ diplomacy behind Low-T Rex’s back. I find this story oddly cheering, actually; divvying up foreign policy between two such incompetent goons for so long, it’s kind of a fucking miracle we didn’t wind up as a protectorate of Belgium or some shit.
Over in Japan, Government Cheese Goebbels shared a shitty little laugh with Putin, over the latter’s once and future acts of war against the United States of America, and of course their shared hatred of the free press. It’s nice to see Vlad humor his underling like that. Surely it must make every American heart swell with pride, seeing our President treated as one of Vlad’s most prized pets. No forgotten, unloved, hamster is Donald J. Trump; he gets to sleep right at the foot of the bed. Sometimes.
But Jimmy Carter (aka One of the Presidents Who Actually Likes America) wants Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops to know he can still kick his ass with one leg while building houses for the homeless with the other. And who should pop up to tsk tsk at former President Carter than our old friend Jeff Flake, in what had to be a bid to transcend mortality as the very God of Self-Parody.
Some lucky white supremacist prison gang just gained a lifelong member, as James Alex Fields Jr. has been sentenced to life behind bars for his act of murderous terrorism in Charlottesville. One of the underrated factors in the 2020 election is the sheer number of potential Trump voters who’ll be in jail for violent crimes on Election Day.
I guess it got really goddamn hot in France, hot enough to melt Jim Inhofe’s snowball, probably, but not his brain, which told young Jim it was going to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes one bright September morning in 1946, and hasn’t been seen since.
And yeah, we had our first two Democratic primary debates, and I don’t really want to wade into that discussion here, partially because I don’t want to alienate anyone in the readership, but mostly because I know we’re basically all pulling for a Sestak/Williamson ticket.
That’s enough madness to tide everybody over until Monday, right? If not, I dunno, drop some acid at look at pictures of Carter Page in silly hats or something, I’m going out for a beer.