Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Petulant Pissant President Proves Pusillanimous, Poops Pants
Today, the biggest news story in the world revolved around whether or not the President of the United States could be forced to act like an adult. As I have stated on many occasions, I would very much like to wake up now.
And if I can’t wake up, I’ll settle for fighting back. That’s why I keep updating Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. Everything you need to know about the 2018 electoral battles to take the country back. We’re up to 44 House races profiled, plus most of the competitive Senate contests, and we’re finally moving into governor’s races, too. Check it out!
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos will have her revenge on the ungrateful nation that had the audacity to damage one tenth of her yachts! Her Bond villain-esque master plan involves designating millions of dollars in federal funding to put guns in America’s public schools. So in the future, if you see a rich old white lady, sipping champagne and cackling maniacally at the funerals of the children who lose their lives in the inevitable avalanche of firearm accidents…that’ll be Betsy.
Because I haven’t blogged in a few days, I regret to you inform you that every conceivable Pecker joke has already been used multiple times, and I must therefore report, in a cold, journalistic, tone, that the CEO of the company that publishes the National Inquirer, the amusingly-named David Pecker, has been granted immunity in the Michael Cohen case. I invite you to add your own personal favorite Pecker joke here, to spice up this otherwise drab paragraph:
…I coulda used some Pecker immunity back in college tho HAW HAW HAW
Apparently the Enquirer had a safe full of documents on stories they intercepted and buried on behalf of the Marmalade Shartcannon during the 2016 election, even as they published a never-ending stream of libelous garbage about Hillary Clinton suffering from every health ailment from Alzheimer’s to having an H.R. Giger-style xenomorph implanted in her chest.
Because we live in Hell, I actually have to write ANOTHER paragraph about the National Enquirer, since apparently that one doorman guy is suddenly free to tell his no-doubt thrilling tale of Donnie Dotard fathering a kid with his housekeeper. Trump’s housekeeper, not the doorman’s. No word at press time as to the alleged love child’s number of heads, however.
Oh, and Shart Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg has been granted immunity in the Cohen case as well? I imagine the drug stores closest to the White House have a really tough time keeping adult diapers in stock these days.
So Dumbfuck White Supremacist Tucker Carlson reads something from one of his Dumbfuck White Supremacist 4chan groups, rants about it on air, and a short time later our Dumbfuck White Supremacist President is ordering his Secretary of State, via Twitter, to investigate a Dumbfuck White Supremacist conspiracy theory about land reform in South Africa. I don’t believe I’m alone in thinking that this is no way to run a railroad.
This week’s episode of Th’Best People focuses on Chronic Self-Owner/Pro-Treasonweasel Pundit Paris Dennard, who has been suspended by CNN in light of the truly-disgusting-no-really-this-shit-is-gross-even-after-everything-we’ve-been-through-these-last-two-years-I-fucking-mean-it-grab-a-barf-bag-before-reading behavior that got him fired from his previous gig at ASU. Needless to say, Paris is doing what everyone in the Party of Personal Responsibility™️ does when their wrongdoing catches up to them; whining and playing the victim.
And I see one of the leading loons of the QAnon movement got himself a photograph next to President Crotchvoid right in the Oval Office, possibly in the very spot where he leaked classified intelligence to the Russians. I bring this up in case you’re wondering why the faces on Mount Rushmore are weeping today.
Perpetually trembling in terror as the walls close in on him, the Velveeta Vulgarian insisted that his impeachment would bring on a stock market crash and also probably earthquakes and tornadoes and Netflix won’t have anything except Dane Cook movies and fruit salads will be nothing but crappy underripe cantaloupe chunks, cut really close to the rind. I’m willing to take the risk.
Fat Q*Bert also ranted at length about “flippers,” finally making official the GOP’s transition from their longstanding “law and order” platform to a more “Y’know what sucks? Law enforcement, that’s what.” stance.
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet and Jeff Sessions are hissing and spitting at one another again. While of course I’d enjoy watching Ol’ Beauregard’s dishonorable career end in shame, I could certainly do without the ensuing constitutional crisis. I feel like we need Nick and Nora Charles to walk us through a scenario where both of these assholes go down without taking the whole country with them.
Addled Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani thinks the American people will revolt if the Fetid Turd Emperor gets impeached for his many crimes. In a sense, Rudy’s right. If America’s alcohol and pizza industries fail to adequately prepare for the monthlong coast-to-coast party that would take place in the wake of Shartboy’s impeachment, there very well could be riots.
Rescue teams are working around the clock to retrieve Duncan Hunter’s wife from the bus he threw her under. Yes, California’s most thoroughly indicted CongressDope gave an unusually sweaty interview on Fux Nooz, seemingly to dispel any lingering notion that he might somehow be A) innocent or B) a halfway decent human being.
It’s been said that only Nixon could go to China. Well, perhaps only Trump could go to North Korea and get utterly cucked in a one-on-one summit then demand the Nobel Peace Prize for accomplishing precisely fuckall then scramble to save face as North Korea openly defied him before petulantly canceling a high level meeting at the very last minute. Some might call this a massive diplomatic clusterfuck. Me, I think it’s just about time to mint another challenge coin, bay-bee!
And of course, Senator John McCain, in a last-ditch effort to ruin Kelli Ward’s campaign, died of brain cancer. His last words were “Suck it, Kelli Ward!,” and he requested his ashes be spread over as many of Kelli Ward’s lawn signs as possible.
Yeah, the Arizona Senate primary is Tuesday, and Ward’s closing argument seems to be “I am the craziest, most malicious, most heinous, dirtbag in this race.” Hey, it worked for Roy Moore. ‘Course, Kelli has Joe Arpaio to deal with…
McCain’s passing really has brought out the worst in the Right. Fux Nooz had to disable comments on tribute articles because the feral jagoffs of The Base were tap-dancing on his grave. And while his Democratic colleagues praised him on the Senate floor, Jim Inhofe took a moment to shit on his grave.
And of course President Valor Thief, true to his reputation as All the Bad Kids From Willy Wonka Rolled Up Into One, made a big show of refusing to say or do anything to mark McCain’s passing. Fully 50% of his pitch for the midterms is demonizing black athletes for allegedly disrespecting the flag, but knowing the White House flag was flying at half-staff to honor a rival ate at him so much, he ordered it re-raised almost immediately, a big fat (no wait, a short, stubby) middle finger to the rest of America.
The whole country came together to shame him for his lack of decency until he relented, no doubt fearing alienating one of the only remaining constituencies that might even consider re-electing him.
And of course you’ve heard there was yet another horrific mass shooting, this time at a video game tournament in Jacksonville. The killer seems to have been a white male, and unlike a recent murder in Iowa, the entire Republican Party/Right-Wing Screechosphere doesn’t seem to be calling for sweeping changes to America’s laws. Gosh, I wonder why that is? There must be SOME difference, but damned if I can figure it out. Where’s Columbo when you need him?
Littlefinger responded to the tragedy with his trademark empathy, tweeting about how everyone loves him. The completely fabricated approval rating was a lovely touch, and will surely bring comfort to the grieving families.
And I see Strawberry Shartcake proclaimed total victory in NAFTA renegotiations cuz he has a preliminary agreement with the lame-duck President of Mexico on a couple of small issues that have yet to be run by either Canada or the U.S. Congress. Oh well, it’s not like he’s ever demanded credit for something he hasn’t actually accomplished yet, and what could really go wrong, and also please pretend the earlier paragraph in this post about North Korea doesn’t exist.
Meanwhile, watchdogs uncovered Sharty McFly’s personal meddling in the decision to renovate rather than replace the FBI headquarters, and subsequent lying about it, but surely all Americans can agree the profitability of the President’s hotel should overrule the needs of the intelligence community. Patriotism 101, folks.
And if all this non-stop fuckery is grinding you down, Resisters, I say take heart. All is not lost, and we have a big big win to celebrate. I’m talkin’ about how national pressure forced the Georgia GOP to retreat from their plan to shut down 7 of 9 polling places in a majority African-American district. YOU did that. Nice work. Treat yourself to a damn beer.
…but if you’re not gonna drink that beer…slide it on down to me, okay?
PS – A late-breaking story says a court ruling might just force North Carolina to ungerrymander before November? That could be MASSIVE fucking news, Shower Captives. Keep an eye on that one.