Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Read This Blog, or I Shall Declare Civil War Upon You
Shit, as the poet once said, has gotten real. I feel like I need to triple my typing speed just to keep up with everything. The news is moving so fucking fast right now, I must ask your forgiveness in advance if I miss a story here and there, like maybe a small war or making first contact with Venusians.
New impeachment headlines keep raining down on us, seemingly hourly, like a never-ending hailstorm of ball-peen hammers, so maybe you’ve already forgotten about Ron Wyden’s report from the tail end of last week. You know, the one that said that in addition to being malevolent ghouls, thirsty for the blood of innocent children, the death merchants of the National Rifle Association also acted as a foreign asset for the Russian government during the 2016 election, peddling access to the powerful even as they diligently worked to hand-deliver AR-15s to every emotionally stunted incel in the country.
Upon being outed, Wayne LaPierre wasted no time whatsoever in teaming up with the nation’s other prominent Russian tool, “allegedly” offering Hairplug Himmler the financial and political support of his Death Cult in return for facilitating the deaths of even more children, by walking away from the common sense gun control legislation demanded by massive, bipartisan majorities, because quid pro quo is the name of the game when you elect a gangster.
So, I know we’re at the start of this giant partisan fight over impeachment, but you just want to ask Senate Republicans, off the record, “Hey, in light of unbridled insanity of the non-infamous Liddle’ Tweet, why are you fighting so hard to protect this obviously unwell criminal? This is the point when you take Granddad’s driver’s license away, not protect his access to the fucking nuclear codes. THE MAN DOESN’T KNOW WHAT A HYPHEN IS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
On the other hand, it’s pretty clear that Orange Julius Caesar’s moral rot has spread throughout the entire Republican Party. The NRCC took a cheap shot, not at freshman Congressman Joe Cunningham, but at his wife, for publicly mentioning the couple is in marriage counseling, which is…I dunno, just shittiness for the sake of shittiness, really. Look, I get that you’re mad, Cunningham’s sitting in a seat y’all never imagined could flip, until you decided to primary Mark Sanford with the trumpiest lunatic this side of the port-a-potty at a QAnon convention, but if you think the problem is “we just weren’t hateful enough in 2018,” well, I hope you jags like the paper towels in the House minority bathroom.
Journalism reared its ugly head once again, forcing Cousin-Fucking Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani (who fucked his own cousin), to cancel his planned, treasonerrific, vacation to participate in a Kremlin-backed event in Armenia, so he won’t be able to hang out with his buddy Putin like he wanted to, HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, JOURNALISM.
Meanwhile, Vlad is getting a little edgy with all this whistleblowing and transcript-leaking, feebly asserting his non-existent privilege to veto the release of any phone call transcripts between him and his Personal Pet President. Yeah, those conversations are probably full of step-by-step journalist-murdering instructions and offers to give Alaska back in exchange for Elizabeth Warren’s social media passwords, so Pooty-Poot’s probably right to be nervous.
Now, the Bonespur Buttplug’s 2017 Oval Office meeting with th’Russians has long since captured the prestigious Most Treasonous Thing to Ever Happen Inside the White House award*, on account of the whole leaking-highly-classified-intel/exposing-a-source thing, but it sounds like he really turned his betrayal of America up to 11, assuring
his handlers, er, “the visiting diplomats” not to worry their pretty little heads about interfering in the 2016 election, because one man’s act of war is another’s Get Out of Jail Free card, after all. Anyhow, the next President should, at minimum, believe that attacks on the United States by hostile foreign powers are bad. That’s just what I think.
Nevada’s Mark Amodei became the first Republican Congressthing to back the House’s impeachment inquiry (though he was quick to correct the record, insisting, no, he does not, as reported, actually possess a human spine), so that shit’s bipartisan now. Tri-partisan, if you factor in Dickbag Ronin Justin Amash, who is, quite frankly, throwing some amusingly sharp elbows these days.
Tangerine Idi Amin remains the Michael Jordan of Losing in Court, and I have to say, of all his humiliating legal setbacks, and they are LEGION, this last one is my favorite, since it blocks his absolutely evil attempt to detain migrants, including children, indefinitely in his shitty little concentration camps. It’s a little harder torture kids in America today, and I guess I’ll take my victories where I can find ‘em.
Former US Special Envoy for Ukraine Kurt Volker has resigned in order to spend more time with the various House committees investigating All the President’s Crimez. I wonder what he’ll say…maybe I can ply Adam Schiff with wine coolers and compliments about his tasteful shoes.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor has said he will not be setting up a “war room” for the impeachment fight, because when have his instincts ever failed him except at least 32 different times every single day of his life? Me, if I had somehow managed to fail at the fucking casino business, I’d be looking for outside help whenever possible.
The big defense plan seems to be to claim the whole impeachment hullabaloo is based on “hearsay,” but that plan is complicated by the way the Shart House keeps confessing to everything, from the “look at all this crime we did” transcript to openly admitting to improperly hiding potentially embarrassing calls on a private server. I haven’t read the whole whistleblower complaint, but none of the worst accusations are in dispute, so I’m confused as to what the “hearsay” is supposed to be about. Like, does the whistleblower claim Donnie Two-Scoops had a mustard stain on his tie while he was betraying his country when it was actually a ketchup stain? We’re picking at nits here.
Anyway, the backup plan, already in motion, apparently revolves around shouting, “No really, what ABOUT her e-mails?” as Mike Pompeo’s State Department has, I shit you not, actually resurrected the ol’ Hillary Clinton’s Private Server and Also Probably Pizzagate, Why Not investigation, and yeah, I bet that chases all the big, bad, impeachment headlines away, campers. You’re in the clear. War rooms are for CUCKS.
If that doesn’t work, I suppose there’s always the Only Other Thing Donnie Dotard Knows How to Do: inciting white supremacist violence. Proving his twitter rage isn’t reserved solely for the noble hyphen, he targeted a number of Jewish and non-white Democratic Congressfolk, as “savages,” perhaps fearing that in all the news about his corruption, we’d forgotten about his despicable bigotry. That instinctive impulse to distract from his crimes by dehumanizing minorities is pretty fucking scary, like…the dude’s default setting is Hitler. If you hit control-alt-delete on Trump, he’d go glassy-eyed for a minute and then just start reciting Mein Kampf.
Donald Trump is the patron saint of Subpar Thugs, and his followers keep on perpetrating acts of racist terror in his name. Take, for example, former New Jersey police chief Frank Nucera Jr., a white supremacist shitsack currently on trial for hiding behind a badge while committing hate crimes, who views Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot as “the last hope for white people.” First off, fuck you eternally, you racist pile of hamster shit. Second, as a white person, I’ll look for hope in a crusty, half-eaten, can of Chef Boyardee ravioli before I ever look to your bloated tick overlord. In conclusion, eat shit, Frank. Enjoy prison.
Getting back to impeachment, if you turned on the Sunday Shoz to check out the grotesque gaggle of creepy dirtbag surrogates Team Treasonweasel fielded to defend Emperor Poosquirt, you could be forgiven for thinking you’d mistakenly stumbled into a lost Tim Burton Batman film. Rudy, Lindsey Graham, Gym Jordan, and even Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller? Yikes. This Campground Outhouse Rogues Galley snarled and spat and above all else lied, so much so that Jake Tapper, and even Fux’s own Chris Wallace, had no choice but to call them out on their bullshit.
Personally, I thought the most effective communicator of the weekend was Robert De Niro.
We’re less than a week into the impeachment inquiry, before the fucking pencils are even sharpened or the debates about who gets to pick the lunch delivery place first have begun, and the Candycorn Skidmark is already test-driving messaging about civil war. Me, I didn’t think he’d call for massive outbreaks of violence until he lost in 2020, so it’s nice to know there’s still room to overestimate him. But I do want to go on the record as declaring my intent to dodge any draft he may institute in the name of Civil War II: Treasonous Taintfungus Boogaloo. I learned it from YOU, fuckhead.
Oh, and just for good measure, he’s now threatening the whistleblower, and anybody else who might feel like snitchin’ to the feds, because impeachable offenses are like potato chips, betcha can’t commit just one.
As you’re trying to process this exponential increase in bat guano production, resulting from the complaint of a single whistleblower, remember that there’s already another whistleblower we may get to hear from soon, this one with information about Shart-O the Clown’s taxes. I don’t think it’d take more than five total whistleblowers, tops, to make him actually combust.
I see Jeff Flake wrote an adorable little op-ed in the Washington Post, calling on his former Republican colleagues to rediscover their “principles” and fight Trump and honestly Jeff, how am I supposed to maintain a satire website with a walking parody like you shambling around, calling for a degree of courage you yourself are constitutionally incapable of? It’s unfair competition, that’s what it is. The guy who heroically demanded an investigation into Brett Kavanaugh, only dissolve like a slug in a Morton factory when he was offered the flimsiest of shams instead? That was YOU, Jeff. Sit the fuck down.
New York Congresscrook/American Fascism Early Adopter Chris Collins remembered that he’s actually totally guilty of all those crimes he’s been charged with, and resigned his seat ahead of entering a guilty plea, GUESS IT WASN’T A WITCH HUNT AFTER ALL. Anyway, Congratulations Susan, you’re now officially the Undisputed Shittiest Collins on Capitol Hill!
Across the pond, it looks as though the Boris Johnson Traveling Fuckup Show is building to a spectacular climax, adding accusations of groping a reporter, and even talk of being dismissed by the Queen to the walking monument to failure that is his life.
And now I see Rudy got what he’s been asking for, and no, it’s not the phone number of a woman he’s related to, it’s a big fat fucking subpoena from House Democrats. Hey, you picked the fight, genius. And the fun thing is, these assclowns can’t stonewall Congress anymore, as Dems are threatening to use any refusal to cooperate as evidence for an obstruction of justice article in the inevitable impeachment trail, tee frickin’ hee.
Meanwhile, John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Attached to His Upper Lip have broken their silence, taking a sloppy dump all over their ex-boss’ North Korea policy, which would be headline news in saner times, but maybe we can squeeze you in next to today’s Beetle Bailey, Johnboy, unless it’s one with the dog. That dog’s fuckin’ funny.
And it turns out Fat Q*Bert isn’t just dabbling in pressuring foreign governments to interfere in American politics, he’s on a bonafide Global Ratfucking Tour! Today we learned the depraved fuck has ALSO been pressuring the Prime Minister of Australia to help him dig up dirt on the origins of the Mueller investigation, like maybe it was the brainchild of a mob of deep state wallabies, or perhaps a wisdom of liberal wombats, or even a puddle of Clinton Foundation platypus, and can you guess what I’ve been googling? Anyway, this little gambit seems to have been Bronco Billy Barr’s brainchild, in his ongoing quest to redact all legality and decency from the entire executive branch.
Actually, Barr has been quite the busy beaver, working the phones, and even traveling the world (at taxpayer expense, of course), looking for assistance for his efforts to (checks notes) assault and undermine America’s law enforcement community for investigating the Russian attack on the 2016 election. At the risk of typing something that might just get me struck by lightning, I MISS JEFF SESSIONS.**
Oh, and I guess Mike Pompeo was actually on that one harmless little prank call where Weehands McNodick asked Ukraine “Hey, is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it and also make up some dirt on Joe Biden or I’ll cut your fucking aid off.” Weird that the little wannabe-theocrat hadn’t mentioned that on his own, and in fact lied when directly confronted. Y’know, I’m starting to think our Secretary of State isn’t the devout Christian he loudly professes himself to be, but rather the cheapest imaginable thug, positively horny to destroy American democracy in order to rule in the ruins that follow.
The good news is, in spite of Democrats’ trademark hand-wringing, impeachment polls are shifting rapidly in our favor, and again, we haven’t even served the fucking soup course yet. Gonna be a fuckin’ ride, folks.
Ok, I really need to move on to other important work*** now, but the damn news won’t quit breaking, and now Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is hitching a ride to Europe with Mike Pompeo, and I just need to get away from this shit for a bit. You’re on your own for the rest of the night, Resisters…stay safe!
*It’s not a Nobel, but stick to your strengths, says I.
**Of course I don’t actually miss Jeff Sessions. Jeff Sessions is racist trash. I’m not actually a superhero, either. So much dishonesty. OH MY GOD WHAT IF I’M SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS?