Shower Cap

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…and the whole Republican Party is totes cool with this corruption. https://t.co/Fv6flEMgOF



Every time you think they can’t get more ridiculous. https://t.co/C5rihPdoA1

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Roy Moore is Back, in Case You Were Worried the News Didn’t Have Enough Buttholes.

Thursday, June 20th, 2019

 

Y’all, the history books written about this demented era are gonna need disclaimers: “No we fucking swear all this shit really happened. Yes, even Carter Page. We think people were just a whole lot dumber back then.” Let’s add another volume, I guess.

Well, the Adderall-Addled Assclown officially launched his reelection campaign at a hate rally in Orlando, leading a manic mob of ravenous rubes in a rousing chorus of “It’s a small world, build a wall*.” It’s weird, and probably not ideal, that the rant, overflowing with lies and incitement of hatred towards minorities and the media, didn’t seem especially newsworthy, with some networks even cutting away early. “Oh, President Racist Grandpa still hates refugees? And one of his scumfuck supporters assaulted a journalist again? That’s nice dear, don’t forget to take out the trash.”

Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan withdrew from consideration for the full-time gig, after his plan to avoid vetting by Just Hoping a Giant Comet Ends All Life on Earth Before Anybody Googles Him fell apart, and the whole world found out about his family’s frankly tragic history of domestic violence. What a clusterfuck. I mean, Shanahan was bad at his job, and never should’ve been appointed in the first place, but how arrogant and incompetent do you have to be to try to sneak that shit past the FBI background check and the press?

Speaking of Th’Best People, this week we learned Sharty McFly’s Ambassador to Canada doesn’t seem to like actually spending time in Canada, missing 300 days of her year-and-a-half-long tenure. So naturally, they’re promoting her to U.N. Ambassador! In fairness, it’s hard to reward excellence in your organization when you studiously avoid it in the initial hiring process.

Looks like Paul Manafort doesn’t have to go to Rikers after all, because the Deputy Attorney General of the whole dang United States apparently has nothing better to do with his time than tend to the comfort of the Individual Wonder’s felonious pals. Precocious Paul has blown right past “white privilege” to the heretofore-unexplored stratosphere of “white criminal with dirt on a mind-bendingly corrupt President privilege,” which turns out to be pretty handy. Maybe he can get Bill Barr to hand-smuggle the ol’ ostrich jacket into prison, for comfort.

Katharine Gorka, wife of Squeezably Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka, has been hired as the new spokesdemon for Customs and Border Protection, and I for one appreciate the honesty of hiring an unapologetic white supremacist for this particular post. What did the Gorka courtship look like, I wonder? Sneaking out in the middle of the night to hold hands while spray-painting hate speech on the side of a local synagogue? Romantic fireside readings of the Turner Diaries? Or, more likely, two rage-filled mediocrities settling for one another on the basis that hating the same people would at least give them something to talk about over dinner.

You’re probably expecting me to cover the sordid tale of Jerry Falwell, Jr. and his infamous pet pool boy, but lordy, I’d rather boil my eyeballs in Diet Dr. Pepper than read that shit. Look, if you want something newsworthy, show me one of these creepy pro-Trump faux holy men actually behaving in a remotely Christ-like manner for a change. “Jerry Falwell, Jr. Demonstrates Compassion, Charity, and Love for All Humankind,” that’d be some man bites dog shit, right there.

And Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Grievance-Driven Egomaniac Who Only Ran for President in the First Place Because an African-American Guy Laughed at Him”) continues to cling tightly to his decades-old grudge against the Central Park Five, and he’s certainly not going to let a silly ol’ thing like “conclusive exoneration” stand in the way of his precious, precious, hate. The point is, our Totally Not Racist How Dare You Even Suggest That President has spent half his life trying to get five innocent black men killed, and he’s still pissed off that he failed.

Hope Hicks testified before the House Judiciary Committee behind closed doors, only she didn’t really, because Shart House lawyers claimed an all-powerful “absolute immunity” from questions pertaining to her time there, which they must’ve pulled from Harry Potter or Magic: The Gathering, cuz it sure as shit ain’t in the United States Code. Thus she was unwilling to comment on a wide variety issues, ranging from the treason stuff to why nobody told Stephen Miller how fucking stupid he looked with the spray-on hair.

A handful of Senators received a classified briefing on UFO sightings, and honestly, if I had that kind of clout I’d be looking for a way off this fucking planet, too. Shit, is there some way I can get on Mark Warner’s staff? Or at the very least his bar trivia team?

Lenny Pozner, the father of a child killed at Sandy Hook, won his lawsuit against a couple of human crotch warts who are so fucking broken that they published a book claiming the massacre was a hoax, and that Pozner’s child never existed. In an era where the awful people seem to be winning, and winning precisely by virtue of their awfulness, it’s nice to see there are still consequences for doing something as monstrous as tormenting the families of murdered children. You’re next, Alex Jones.

I’m trying to lose weight, but two things are making it difficult, 1) beer, and 2) I keep gorging on articles about the destructive internal turd-flinging going down in the halls of the National Rifle Association, where the murder merchants are turning on each other like they’re character actors in John Carpenter’s The Thing. Empty calories, I know, but so fucking delicious.

A United Nations investigation found the conspiracy behind the barbarous killing of Jamal Khashoggi reached the very highest levels of the Saudi monarchy, and Jared Kushner is worried that means he’s going to have to cancel a few play dates with Murderous Mastermind MBS. The Turdmaggot Administration’s response to this news, which confirms the findings of our own intelligence community, is to kiss these monsters’ asses, overruling the findings of their own experts to keep the Saudis off the list of nations that recruit child soldiers. Oh, and for good measure, selling them a fuckton of weapons to continue their genocidal war in neighboring Yemen.

One of the fun things about 2019 is that you can commit any imaginable atrocity with the full blessing of the world’s lone superpower if you’re just willing to bail the hyper-corrupt ruling family out of their business failures.

Now, Saudi Arabia’s behavior is so abominable it’s led to holy-shit-that’s-rarer-than-a-unicycling-dodo-bird bipartisan condemnation, and I suppose we should be grateful that a handful of Senate Republicans still possess enough of a moral compass to stand up to journalist-murdering and genocide (for now, anyway), as the Senate voted to block the arms sales. But of course, Hairplug Himmler plans to veto the bill, probably because Jar-Jar didn’t get all his money up front.

And we now find ourselves in the midst of a great national debate about whether or not we should call the Government Cheese Goebbels’ concentration camps “concentration camps,” or something less accurate, like “happy fun time play centers only with no games and a much higher death rate.” Republicans are upset, because they want the concentration camps, but they’re worried that calling the concentration camps “concentration camps” will draw attention to the fact that they’re the party of concentration camps, whereas Democrats want to shut down the concentration camps because they are FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS.

Gosh, it’s tricky. If you’re trying to work out the ethics here, I know we live in a morally complex world, but a good rule of thumb is “Always pick the side with the fewest Cheneys.

And Chuck Todd, in perhaps the ChuckToddest act of his life, lashed out, not at the monsters who opened the FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS, but at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, for calling them what they are**. This is what happens when you’re so blindly devoted to the ridiculous ideal that there are two equally-reasonable sides to every issue that you can imagine no greater sin than incivility. If bothsidesism had an ass, Chuck Todd would be so far up it, he’d own a nice little condo in the small intestine.

While we’re all bickering about labeling, the Shitweasel Administration is in court, arguing that they’re not legally required to provide detained children with soap, toothbrushes, or even fucking blankets on the concrete floor of their definitely-not-a-concentration-camp cells. What kind of sewage-hearted sphincter blister would make that argument? Like, when you’re in the shower that morning, getting ready for your hideous day’s work, do you think “damn right those LITTLE KIDS don’t deserve this” when you reach for your Dove bar? Follow up question: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Anyway, let’s all enjoy a Lovecraftian cackle at the absolute madness of our Department of Justice fighting for multiple felon Paul Manafort’s comfort while claiming jailed children don’t deserve soap.

Roy Moore, having failed in his efforts to procure funding for a brand new shopping mall of his very own that he could never be banned from, announced another Senate run today, I guess because he missed having the whole country talk about how he’s a child molester. Anyway, if I was Doug Jones, I’d buy a couple lottery tickets today.

Republican lawmakers in Oregon are pulling the ol’ Stay Home From Work to Deny a Quorum trick to keep Democrats from passing a climate bill, on the increasingly-popular conservative “if we don’t win, fuck you, we won’t let you govern anway” principle. Just for seasoning, state Senator Brian Boquist suggested that if the Governor sent state troopers to make him do his job like a grownup, he would murder them ho ho ho what a merry jest.

Anyway, at the precise moment when I hit “post” on tonight’s blog, we weren’t at war with Iran yet, so I guess for everyone who isn’t the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip, the week hasn’t been as bad as it might have been. So go out and get a beer tonight; you never know, by the time you get home, you may have been drafted. 

On that pleasant note, see ya next week, Shower Captives!

*Get it? Because Orlando is where Disneyworld is? Never mind.

**Which is CONCENTRATION CAMPS, if you haven’t been paying attention.

Shower Cap

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…and the whole Republican Party is totes cool with this corruption. https://t.co/Fv6flEMgOF



Every time you think they can’t get more ridiculous. https://t.co/C5rihPdoA1

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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