Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Scary Monsters, Super Creeps, & Stephen Miller (Who is Both)
Good gravy, I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take. The news today is like a facehugger from Alien got drunk on moonshine from a still in Pam Geller’s back yard before depositing eggs directly into George Orwell’s subconscious. Put on a fuckin’ helmet before you read any further, is all I’m sayin’.
Let’s start by pointing out that President Tough Guy is once again too afraid of jokes to attend the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Because he’s a coward. It’s more important than ever to remember this, folks, because shit’s gonna get a little dark today. Never forget that this cheap thug, this wannabe dictator, who gets off on threatening protesters as long he’s comfortably surrounded by his army of creepy worshippers, lives his entire life in such safe spaces because, like all bullies, he’s too much of a wuss to face the slightest criticism. He’s even appealing the decision that keeps him from blocking people who hurt his fee-fees on the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine. Pathetic.
He is a tiny little man, deserving only ridicule and scorn, and that’s why we’ll beat him next year. Never stop laughing at him, because there’s nothing he loathes more than being the butt of a joke.
The big news of course is immigration, or, more accurately, Hairplug Himmler’s rampaging, all-consuming, bigotry. Donald Trump is a simple, stupid, man, governed by hatred, and utterly incapable of learning. After his insistence on making the midterms a referendum on his border fear-mongering backfired, delivering him an electoral wedgie he still hasn’t managed to pick out of his ass, the Most Stable of All Possible Geniuses wants to bring back his least popular and most inhumane policy, family separations.
Politically, it’s absolutely suicidal, which should delight us, right? Forgive me if I can’t celebrate, I’m sick to fucking death of stories about migrant toddlers, bruised from sleeping on gravel and concrete because they were detained UNDER A FUCKING BRIDGE. You can read all the political analysis you want, but you can’t help but remember that we’re talking about a policy of government-sponsored terrorism, paid for with your tax dollars and mine.
So yeah, Kirstjen Nielsen, one of the great monsters of American history, is no longer in a position of power, but we can’t even toast her downfall because it turns out she lost her job for not being vile enough. Lordy. It’s like firing Brad Pitt cuz you’d rather get a handsome guy, or getting rid of Chuck Todd because you want somebody to REALLY commit to subverting objective reality to a bullshit “both sides” narrative.
Like, if there’s an afterlife, God’s gonna need to resurrect Dante to brainstorm appropriate punishments. Kirstjen Nielsen’s job was to hurt people, and she took to it with great vigor and enthusiasm. But I guess her position came down to “look, let’s be as evil as we possibly can…within the confines of the law,” and dammit, if you’re gonna let such petty limitations interfere with your pursuit of atrocity, there’s just no room for you in the hierarchy of shit-gargling demons running the executive branch these days.
Probably the most chilling detail of the Nielsen saga is the bit where Pissant Pol Pot wanted to fire her months ago, but she won her way back into his good graces by deploying tear gas against a group of asylum-seekers. Y’know, I’m not an ethicist or anything, but if you find yourself in a position where you’re tear-gassing children to impress your boss, you might want to take two steps back and ask yourself where and when you turned into such a walking sack of hippopotamus diarrhea.
How awesome is the feeling you get in your stomach when you read half a dozen headlines containing the words “Donald Trump” and “purge?” Especially when you get a few paragraphs in and discover we’re apparently turning all immigration policy over to Tarpit-Souled RageShrew Stephen Miller? Little nauseous? Maybe like the dream where you’re giving a speech in your underwear but you’re also on ship that’s rocking back and forth in the middle of storm and also you just ate a whole jar of Cadbury Creme Mayonnaise? Yeah, me too.
But yeah, at Miller’s direction, we’re getting an All-New, All-Shitty, leadership team over at DHS. The director of the Secret Service is out, with nothing but a handful of playground insults as thanks for his months of service protecting the Marmalade Shartcannon’s lazy grifter ass. Who’ll wind up in charge? Any shortlist with Mediocre White Guy Supremacist KKKris KKKobach on it should keep all decent Americans awake at night.
Boy, Government Cheese Goebbels sure does hate it when the law interferes with his quest to Make America White Again. Apparently, he told a group of Border Patrol agents not to worry their little heads about the silly ol’ law, just do whatever it takes to keep those “animals” out, America’s “full,” and yeah, Beto was WAY out of line with the Nazi comparisons.
And just cuz the verdammte “law” says he has to provide members of Congress access to his Kiddie Koncentration Kamps, excuse me, “child detention centers” doesn’t mean he’ll actually let them in when they show up. “Oh fuck no, we’re imprisoning little kids in horrific conditions in here,” said an HHS spokesmonster, “There’s no fucking way we’re letting you see that.”
Now they’re saying it’ll take two fucking years to reunite all the families they’ve already torn apart. Basically, this Clowncar Full of Rectums is now hiding behind their where-the-fuck-are-the-light-switches incompetence to mask their fascism.
I dunno about y’all, but I am getting sick of this shit. I’m tired of having a terrorist President. I’m tired of having a President who inspires violence instead of hope. Hey, let’s round some shit up real quick:
A TRUMP SUPPORTER armed with a rifle has been stalking Mormon churches in Arizona, looking to threaten and/or assassinate former Senator Jeff Flake. Oh, but don’t confuse that with:
The TRUMP SUPPORTER in Chicago who just pled guilty to threatening Flake’s life, or:
The TRUMP SUPPORTER who was just arrested for threatening to kill Representative Ilhan Omar, or:
The two TRUMP SUPPORTERS who got arrested for yelling racial slurs and attacking a pair of teenagers at an Ohio Waffle House.
Anybody noticing a fucking pattern here? You never hear, “President Trump inspired me to donate blood, or mow my elderly neighbor’s lawn, or maybe just spend five minutes of my day being a decent human being for a change,” NOPE, just terrorism.
And somehow, former Senator Norm Coleman, in his current role as chairman of the Republican Jewish Coalition, found it appropriate to lift up the Turd Emperor of the Very Fine People in sycophantically-cringey idolatrous prayer. I’m glad I picked the party that doesn’t demand surgical removal of the spinal column, y’know?
Oh, I shouldn’t paint with too broad a brush, I know. It’s not fair to call all Republicans racists, of course. Why, take devout, principled, Erick Erickson, for example! He’s never been shy about condemning Trump’s moral failings! And we must admit, his own tirade today, about how Pete Buttigieg’s faith and sexuality mean he can’t possibly be a “real” Christian is totally different from Donnie Dotard’s bigotry, except for the ways that it’s not, which is all of them.
Anyway, the GOP stands for all kinds of stuff, not just hate! They’re super-committed to letting Sharty McFly keep his tax returns secret, that’s for sure! Acting Chief of Staff/Jerk-of-all-Trades Mick Mulvaney says Dems will never ever ever ever times infinity plus two get to see the returns, and hey, I get it, getting their asses handed to them in court is kind of these folks’ “thing.” Losing in court* is to the Trump administration as “Aaaaayyyyyy” is to the Fonz, honestly.
Heck, even ol’ Willard Romney is gettin’ in on the sphincter-smoochin’ action! The Romney brand is, if nothing else, consistent: promise steel, deliver soggy Wonder Bread.
I see the Chinese woman who breached security down at Marm-a-Lago was armed with the full Boris-n’-Natasha junior spy kit, how fun. Don’t worry, I’m sure this is the only time anything like this has ever happened, and that everything else down at the privately-owned property where the President sells access to himself is both hunky and dory.
You probably saw where the Bonespur Buttplug overruled everybody who actually understands anything, and named Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist organization, kind of ironic on a day when he worked to transform the Department of Homeland Security into a domestic terrorist organization. Is there any upside to this move? Nope. Plenty of potential downside? You bet your sweet bippy. Obviously, Hillary Clinton’s “I Am Not a Gigantic Moron” platform just wasn’t what Americans were looking for.
So I guess Fed nominee Stephen Moore really didn’t like the idea of paying his ex-wife child support and alimony, and it took four cops and locksmith breaking into his house to get him to, y’know, obey the law and support his family. Anyway, let’s get this prince some keys to the whole dang economy, huh?
In a move that delivered the double endorphin rush of fucking over both his hated predecessor and brown people generally, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet rolled back an Obama-era deal that allowed Cuban baseball players to play in MLB. An executive order declaring that all apple pies must be stored overnight in an outhouse before consumption is expected early next week.
In the midst of all this unbridled fuckery, what’s the Democratic Party up to? Passing the new, stronger-than-ever, Violence Against Women Act in the House, over the objections of the NRA toadies in the GOP minority, that’s what. And what’s the NRA doing these days? Not much, just sending dirtbag propaganda letters to a gun control activist who lost his daughter in the Parkland massacre. Yeah, folks, we picked the right team.
So…yeah, if you’ve been throwing loose change into the fountain at your local shopping mall, wishing for a sudden, magical, return to decency, it didn’t fucking work. Wish harder, asshole, we’re on the clock here. FUCK. I am, rather unexpectedly, gonna go drink now.
*Did they lose in court yet again today? Well, it’s a day ending in “y,” so…yes.
PS – Ridiculously Late Thank You Tour update: Ok, so I thought I could use the payment app to respond, but it turns out I can only send emojis, and only to the three most recent donors. Therefore, if you sent a donation using an e-mail address in the name field, I will send you a ridiculously late note. If I only have a name, I’ll be listing you in one big group thank you in a forthcoming blog. (Since nobody gave permission to use their name on the site, I’ll use first names and last initials. The point is, I’m deeply grateful to all of you.)