Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Sewage Dunk Tank With Ted Cruz Week is the Best Week
Well, I don’t know about y’all, but I was just thinking that after an entire year of soul-crushing quarantine, what I really needed was a prolonged period of even more intense isolation, ideally brought about by an extreme weather event, because my life wasn’t quite enough like a 10th grade creative writing assignment composed by a kid who’s really into Edgar Allan Poe and The Cure for my liking. However, now that I’ve ordered several axes and hatchets of varying sizes off Amazon, I feel much better. Come closer, my friend, let us discuss the news…
As expected, the Senate GOP rejected the gift-wrapped opportunity to purge their party of the fascist cancer they allowed to spread, unchecked, until their official logo morphed into an oozing, vaguely elephant-shaped tumor. They’ve been pretty smug about the whole thing, in a “you can’t MAKE me obey my oath, I’M in a CULT” sort of way, gloating over their little “you can’t impeach a former President for Very Serious Constitutional Reasons No I Won’t Show My Work” copout, so congratulations, I guess, on weaseling your way through another news cycle or two, but your party remains a radicalized, conspiracy-addled clump of increasingly violent losers, and considering your Neville Chamberlain Handbook has yielded predictable results at every turn, it would be really cool if you tried something different (may I recommend courage?) before the Civil War gets a sequel.
Still, the final vote was the most bipartisan in American history, and that ain’t nothin’. Seven Republicans voted to convict…pretty impressive, honestly. A testament to the excellent work of the House impeachment managers.
…but then Mitch McConnell decided that what the moment cried out for was a Mitch McConnell speech, an error he’s made with alarming frequency over the course of his insidious career. So, in the immediate aftermath of his feckless caucus’ latest refusal to defend the nation, Yertle delivered his jeremiad, on the topic of how Hairplug Himmler was indeed guilty of everything he stood accused of, while the entire fucking world screamed in perfect unison BITCH YOU JUST VOTED TO ACQUIT HIM.
Now, I’ve learned to tune Mitch’s sanctimony out, but this one was a bit hard to sit through. That mob that nearly tore you limb from limb? You built that, bro. Donald Trump never comes to power without Mitch McConnell first breaking Washington with the nefarious politics of Deliberately Inflicting Suffering on the American People Rather Than Allowing the Other Party to Help Them.
And now that he’s got his judges and his robber baron tax cuts, Wrinkly Gamera is ready to move on, as though his years of cynical, transactional enabling haven’t unleashed an army of frenzied brownshirts the rest of us have to deal with every goddamn day in our communities. Mr. Minority Leader, you of all men are not allowed to appropriate Resistance culture.
Of course the seven Republican Senators who took those first halting steps out of the primordial swamp of Trumpism (give ‘em a few hundred million years, they may evolve spines, and even walk erect) faced all kinds of arcane pagan excommunication rituals initiated by their home state parties.
Bonus points to whichever local MAGA archbishop anathematized Pat Toomey, for the demented honesty of his proclamation that “we did not send him there to do the right thing or whatever;” I think it’s useful to be frank about where everyone stands, though I’m unsure why you believe a Senator’s primary function is to help the world’s shittiest businessman commit crimes.
And did you see that fucking letter Adam Kinzinger got from his Blood Type KKKool-Aid family? Holy shit. I keep hearing about how much REALER than me these people are, that their experience is somehow more authentically American than mine, that their beliefs are nobler, purer, just flat-out bald eaglier than mine, but what they’re doing here is like if somebody in, say, October of 2001, got all up in your shit and started shrieking at you for refusing to take Bin Laden’s side.
Oh Adam, why can’t you be a dutiful death cult company man like Ron Johnson? RoJo doesn’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about that silly “Capitol riot,” why, that white supremacist lynch mob was barely even armed!
That’s a solid little gaslight from our Ron-Ron, actually. One hundred and forty law enforcement officers injured protecting YOUR plutocrat ass, one killed, two took their own lives, the whole ever-loving world has seen the video of YOUR party’s base crushing that dude in that door, (to say nothing of all the guns and bombs that were confiscated from that flock of walking rectums) and the move is “I can’t believe you’re still mad about the right-wing terrorist attack on Congress, are you some kind of sissy?”
…can I get a Blue Lives Matter chant goin’?
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis threatened to withhold the coronavirus vaccine from any uppity constituents with the temerity to question his murderous mismanagement, because when you elect Republicans, you don’t get government, you get cut-rate, strip mall warlords dispensing essential resources to cronies while anyone too poor to pay the bribe goes without. More on that momentarily.
I see Rush Limbaugh finally got around to holding up his end of that bargain he made at the crossroads on the Koch estate where the family hunts box chain retail workers for sport. What an abominable life.
As we marked his passing the way it deserved to be marked, with unapologetic, indeed deafening condemnation of his heinous life’s work, a handful of wingnut media elites half-heartedly waggled the finger of shame at us, as though we aren’t all standing in the wreckage of Limbaugh’s wettest dream made real. As though we will ever let them lecture us about anything ever again.
Anyway, Rush Limbaugh was a broken human being, and tragically, he never sought healing, he just wanted to break other people in the same fashion; even more tragically, he was really good at that. He’s dead now, mourned only by those whose souls he successfully warped with the poison of his boundless hatred. Would that he had never been born.
So, this week, Texas got a lethal lesson in the perils of actually allowing the gang of oligarchs and lunatics that make up the modern Republican Party to run your society.
You see, in the holy name of Freedumb and Makin’ Rich Folks Richer, the state’s energy grid was not only caught, pants-around-ankles, balls-deep-in-a-sheep unprepared for the winter storm that hit, but the system turned out to be completely independent, (to keep the deep state from regulating away so much as a nickel from the benevolent oil tycoon overlords, you see) so when the shit hit the fan and people started dying, it was literally impossible for the rest of the country to step in and help. That’s the system they set up. On purpose.
Now, after four years under Donald Trump’s autocrat thug learning tree, Texas Republicans know how to handle a catastrophe of their own making, and they sprang into action with impressive speed. No, not to fix the problem, are you fucking high? They leapt like greased lightning…straight onto cable news, pinning their failures on a predictable mishmash of time-tested gibberish buzzwords: Wind Turbines! Green New Deal! AOC WANTS TO REPLACE YOUR LIGHT BULBS WITH VEGAN CANCEL CULTUUUUUUUUUUURE!!!!!
But while Governor Greg Abbott busied himself manufacturing ass-covering propaganda, millions suffered for his folly. We’re talking about people without heat in below freezing temperatures. People without drinkable water. In the United States of America. In 2021. Shit like this should not be possible in a nation this advanced and prosperous. But the modern Republican Party exists solely to funnel wealth to their donor class, and if that means periodically setting a few million folks’ standard of living back a century or two, so fucking be it.
One Texas mayor threw a truly majestic wingnut shitfit, incensed that the peasants would dare claim the right to any indoor plumbing they hadn’t hunted and killed personally, and frankly, if you haven’t already chopped grandma up for firewood, you deserve to fucking freeze to death.
I see people who are this far gone, this hopelessly perverted by right-wing culture, and I just want to ask, what does this DO for you? What do you get out of it, beyond an inescapable rage that ruins your every waking moment, and the accompanying inability to exist peacefully in society? The latest version of the Contract with America reads simply, “we will take this great nation from superpower to shithole, but don’t worry, we’ll feed you a never-ending supply of made-up bullshit to be scared of.” I just don’t get it.
And speaking of not getting it…Ted Cruz, hot off his smash hit appearance before the rabid mob that attempted to murder his colleagues, looked out upon the crisis besieging the people he is literally paid to serve, and saw in it an apparently irresistible opportunity to drive a steamroller over his own ballsack, repeatedly, for what felt like nineteen months.
It’s the simplicity of the scandal that makes it so devastating: while Texans froze to death, Senator Cruz figured that sticking around to help would be annoying, so he whisked his family off to an expensive getaway in beautiful Cancún, Mexico, to ride out those irritating days when he would otherwise be inundated with calls from the plebs, begging for their worthless lives.
Poor Tedward forgot he doesn’t have a certain Velveeta Vulgarian’s scandal-cannon Twitter feed to change the subject and bail him out anymore. Far from it, Thursday was one of the slowest news days in a good long while, and there was little else to do but watch him step, with miraculous precision, on every single rake in the known universe, one after the other.
The Shittier of the Senate’s Rafaels* started by throwing his own children under the bus, (say hi to mom and grandpa, kids!) only to get swiftly ensnared in a lie there, so he shit on his own family for nothing, demonstrating the masterful communication and decision-making skills of the future President he somehow sees in the mirror every morning, squinting insincerely behind that shitty, shitty beard.
Somebody even leaked his wife’s group texts to the press, blowing to smithereens any hope of a politically acceptable cover story, which is the sort of thing one simply has to learn to live with, when one is among the vilest human beings alive.
Seems Ted commandeered Houston PD officers to escort his feudal lord ass through the airport, which is fine, not like they had anything else to do. If you weren’t already boiling with rage at this pompous elitist’s disdain for the people who pay his salary, CNN published this helpful article documenting all the various times he unleashed that aggravating faux preacher’s lilt of his on…politicians who went on vacation during crises. Fuckhead couldn’t even navigate a couple of softball TV interviews without digging himself a couple miles deeper.
Oh, and the whole time, Beto O’Rourke kept working his ass off, doing the very job Ted was so desperate to flee.
Basically, all Ted Cruz’s dreams died this week, and he responded by just rubbing shit all over his face, for like, hours and hours and hours. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
As funny as Ted’s troubles are, I don’t want to move on from the Texas story without taking the following dump in your cornflakes: America in 2021 is a nation that requires fact-checking outlets to debunk the claim that President Biden used his magical weather controlling powers to inflict the devastating winter storm on the Lone Star State, presumably as punishment for resisting his satan worshipping and child trafficking and what have you. Sleep tight.
(Anyway, Texas should definitely secede, you’ll do great, you’re certainly nothing at all like the child who runs away from home only to crawl into a sewer chasing after the very first clown that beckons.)
Meanwhile, the Biden Administration keeps pulling all this weird, weird crap…it’s almost like they’re wielding the power of the executive branch to help people, and to make America stronger, what the shit is that about?
There’s a big immigration reform bill, for starters, not to mention the jettisoning of the last fella’s Pay Me or Eat Shit Doctrine on the foreign policy front. We’re back in the Paris climate agreement, y’all! Back in the international battle against COVID-19! Strengthening NATO rather than dismantling it in a vain attempt to get Putin to return our text messages! If Smilin’ Joe hasn’t said, “There’s a new sheriff town!” out loud at least half a dozen times by now, I admire his restraint.
And oh yeah, that $1.9 trillion coronavirus stimulus bill just keeps chuggin’ along, workin’ its way through the reconciliation process, stopping periodically to wave at Senate Republicans, seething on the sidelines that their bad faith delaying tactics no longer work.
Ok, that’s enough, I think. Sorry to interrupt, I know you were busy laughing at Ted Cruz, so I’ll let you get back to that. Stay safe out there, friends.
*This gag works out loud, I swear it does.