- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Cruz? DeJoy? Taylor-Greene? The News Delivered a Bouquet of Buttholes This Week
Has anybody hit their quarantiniversary yet? I’m starting to make plans for mine; I ordered a really soft, fancy pillow I’m planning to scream into for a few hours, and then maybe I’ll order some tiramisu to eat out of a styrofoam delivery container that was designed for a fast food hamburger. So that’ll be fun, but until then, the news:
I dunno if I actually have any Republican readers, but just a heads up, it’s not enough for you to hate Joe Biden anymore, it’s also really, really important that you hate his dogs, too. Look, I don’t make the rules. Personally, I think y’all would enjoy life a little more if you pried your mind off the 24-hour Orwellian rage carousel, but please, don’t let me interrupt your descent into madness.
Peter “What if Mouth Herpes Was an Economist Well Not the Economist Part So Much But Definitely The Herpes” Navarro went on Steve Bannon’s show to excommunicate Marc Short from the Church of Trump for advising his boss (former Vice President/attempted lynching target Michael Pants) against attempting to overturn the 2020 election via a plan so idiotic it could only have originated in the cavernous skull of Louie Gohmert. In case anyone’s wondering about the state of the “Republican Civil War.”
Steve “David Duke without the baggage” Scalise is equally down with the Big Lie, meaning the House Minority Whip, one of the most prominent and powerful Republicans in the country, has witnessed his party’s flirtations with fascism, evaluated the results, (you may remember such hits as “The Night We Ran a Biden Campaign Bus Off the Road” and “Everybody Lynch Mike Pence Tonight and Maybe Also Wang Chung if There’s Time”) and decided to head back to the buffet for another plateful of that shit.
One kinda wants to sit these dolts down and ask them where they think this is all headed, because we’ve crossed a pretty big line here, (it was red, and it said “make real goddamn sure you want to unleash these forces cuz last century they set the whole world on fire”) and the outcomes that’re on the table now are pretty freaky.
Folks, the recent defiler of the Oval Office rather actively pursued his own personal fantasy mashup of Putinesque organized criminal looting and Brownshirts-in-the-streets white supremacist violence, and you can’t feed the beast that weaned on that kind of craziness with tax cuts for rich people.
These men know how weak they are by now, (lookin’ at you, Minority Leader Chamberla-er, McCarthy) they KNOW they can’t tame this tiger, and I just think it’s in everyone’s interest that they stop tossing bloody chunks of raw meat at the fucker.
Meanwhile Ted Cruz is out there, trying to hijack his Turd Emperor’s “How dare those vicious libs insult your Dear Leader” bit, forgetting that he’s A) loathsome and B) entirely incapable of masking his loathsomeness, and thus, incapable of inspiring the devotion necessary to successfully manage the late shift at Starbucks, let alone head up a cult of personality. Stop trying to make Ted Cruz happen, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz isn’t going to happen.
Hey, speaking of the shapeless wad of (mostly) male mediocrity known as the Senate Republican Caucus, Ron Johnson has apparently decided to serve as the official mouthpiece of Shitty White Boy Terrorism in Congress, parroting debunked lies that the January 6th Capitol riot was merely a gathering of wholesome, fuzzy Trump supporters who came together to discuss how much they all loved cupcakes, until antifa spoiled everything, those dirty rotten bastards.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m asking for better Nazis or anything, but it’s fucking embarrassing to me that it’s men like RoJo, the human equivalent of a rug you throw out because the cat pissed on it, leading this authoritarian incursion into the nation’s shared reality. I guess I’ve just been conditioned, from movies probably, to expect cult leaders to be charismatic, even seductive, and it turned out all it took to drive a third of the country out of their ever-loving minds was a little yammering from the most visibly subpar white dudes this side of a Gamergate Xmas party. American exceptionalism my ass.
Meghan McCain threw a What If White Privilege and the Sound of Nails on a Chalkboard Had a Kid shitfit, demanding Dr. Facui’s firing, because Republicans still think that yelling at science when it tells you something you don’t like is useful, on account of the way the conservative mind stopped evolving one sunny Sunday afternoon during a leeching.
Well, the Supreme Court finally Old Yellered Donnie Scoops’ long struggle to keep his tax returns hidden from Johnny Law, and the secrets he’s clutched for so long in those tiny, inadequate fingers are already snug n’ warm in the lovin’ arms of the Manhattan District Attorney’s office, can’t wait to see what happens next. (By the way, if you feel like leaking that shit, Cy, nobody would ever suspect the shart joke/luchador mask blogger guy. Just sayin’.)
So, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster spends half a decade assaulting America with an incessant deluge of hate-infused disinformation, breaking millions of minds and tearing the country apart, perhaps irreparably, and Senate Republicans reward him with a Get Out of One Beer Hall Putsch Free card, but suddenly Neera Tanden’s mean tweets render her unfit for public service. Got it.
It was particularly amusing, watching Foghorn Crotchrash, excuse me, “Senator John Neely Kennedy,” theatrically brandishing the flail of shame one minute, then turning straight around to giddily dispense his own nasty one-liners to the first reporter to walk by. You know, I’m starting to think there might be an inconsistency or two in the right-wing ethics system.
Marjorie Taylor Greene has been reduced to morosely gnawing on pickled bath salts of late, because while her own party’s refusal to discipline her for her unapologetic calls to assassinate political opponents was national news for a few days, now that she’s been stripped of her committee assignments, she’s not that much more interesting than your average public transit poo-flinger. And so, like the toddler every Trumpist is at heart, she threw an attention-seeking tantrum, in the form of a series of anti-transgender hate crimes.
You watch this woman spew her hatred, and you see the pride she takes in that hatred, and you go, “oh yeah, that’s straight Hitler shit right there,” because it fucking well IS. Ah, but then you watch the entire House GOP fall in line behind her, backing up her silly procedural time-waster, and implicitly, (though they’ll deny it) every word of her vile diatribe. Say what you will about Marjorie, she understands how quickly and docilely these men fall in line behind a bigot with a bullhorn.
Greene then punctuated her rage fit by posting a placard proudly proclaiming her bigotry and ignorance directly across the hall from the office of Congresswoman Marie Newman, who has a transgender child, because the Republican base doesn’t want laws from their lawmakers, just gaudy displays of public shittiness.
Rand Paul wanted in on that action, using Dr. Rachel Levine’s confirmation hearing to casually launch into his own snide anti-trans harangue, indistinguishable from anything you’d find on Stormfront. Dr. Levine, as you know, is the nation’s first transgender nominee for a Senate-confirmed post, and that Rand felt so untouchable atop his high horse of hate as to spit that bile right in her face, in front of the whole world…let’s just say if you still need lessons in the banality of evil, “Dr.” Paul isn’t going anywhere.
Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, one of the residual Ortsgruppenleiter still stubbornly clinging to the sides of the bowl, squeaked out some whimperingly defiant boast about how we need to “get used to (him),” as though we’re supposed to simply shrug and mournfully abandon the United States Postal Service to his sabotage. Anyway, the shrill yipping sound seems to have reminded the Biden people to finally get around to nominating those new board governors, so they can, in turn, fire DeJoy’s sorry Peter Pettigrew ass. Lookin’ forward to that one, won’t lie.
So now DeJoy gets to keep on wrecking shit while the axe falls with the speed of bureaucratic delirium. Kafka was a fucking amateur.
A newly declassified report reveals the Treasonweasel Administration knew all along that MBS ordered the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi, but, hey, when you’ve got debts like the Trumps and the Kushners, silly things like “human rights” don’t factor into your “diplomatic” interactions with Saudi crime lords, do they?
In other news, Mitch McConnell is a cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I don’t think I mentioned it here, but you may remember last fall, South Dakota’s Attorney General, a mega-skeevy bag of dicks and sludge called Jason Ravnsborg, killed a pedestrian in a hit and run, fled the scene, and claimed he thought he hit a deer…until the body turned up. Turns out that law enforcement not only found the victim’s glasses inside Ravnsborg’s car, (“the deer was reading Infinite Jest, your honor”) but that he was actually browsing wingnut propaganda sites on his phone, while driving at night, very probably at the precise moment his vehicle fatally collided with another human being. Ravnsborg has yet to resign in shame, probably because he realizes the fresh blood on his resumé only recommends him for higher office within the Grand Ol’ Death Cult.
(Hey Republicans, take five from hating Joe Biden’s dogs, we need you to hate Mr. Potato Head for a minute. And like, at least twice as hard as you were hatin’ on them dogs. Yes, I know that story fell apart immediately; I fucking told you to HATE MR. POTATO HEAD GODDAMMIT also we may need you to send death threats to the Muppets, please stand by.)
Well, the annual convocation of shitpile flies called CPAC is underway, and honestly, everyone seems relieved they can finally stop pretending they read the Weekly Standard (or, y’know, anything) and skip straight to the worship of the literal golden idol someone helpfully brought along in case this shit was somehow still too subtle for anyone.
Yeah, it’s the weekend when the nation’s frothiest maniacs get together to screech at one another, and this year is…well, it’s exactly what you’d expect it be, now that these gleeful goose-steppers have had their first real taste of party-sanctioned terrorism. We can argue about how fair it is to point out all the ways the American right has moved towards open fascism and the bloodlust that accompanies it, or we can save time and get straight to work keeping them away from power.
Like, if you really want a trashy listicle documenting the 29 Naziest CPAC Applause Lines, I bet Chris Cillizza has you covered, but in the interest of mental health and self-respect, let’s all agree to crack a beer and enjoy our weekend instead.
The deranged dirtbag deification feels particularly obscene in light of the week’s grisly milestone, but yes, Cult45 remains slavishly devoted to a poorly dressed game show host who, from a combination of almost incomprehensible incompetence and raw, blazing spite, got half a million of their countrymen killed. I mention this on behalf of any ambitious species looking to take over the top spot on the food chain; I really don’t think us Homo sapiens can hack it.
Ok, that’s about all I have in me tonight, friends. I gotta swing by the crossroads to drive a stake through the heart of this hell-sent motherfucking month. Probably missed some stuff, this week has been a bit rough on ol’ Cap. The coming thaw’ll do me good. Stay safe out there, Resisters.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
As usual, you’re nailing the “high” points. Can’t we just start referring to “him” as “the former guy” like our new president is doing? And how many evangelicals do you think are going to object to the worship of a golden calf in the CPAC sessions? I wish reading the news had become easier in the last month, but it seems … well, not yet, anyway.
Thanks!
Unfreakin believable Showercap. I spent ten days away from so-called news, entrenched myself in self pity and sobriety, and just an hour ago tipped a beer after ten days and –Holy !@#$%^& you brought me right back in. Boy did I miss it. Thanks, and cheers, the beers on me.
I love you, Showercap!
Hello,
I am a white, probably Socialist Canadian.
I have been an American Politics junky since way before Bush 2.
Your blog gives me the best laugh of the week amid the tears of frustration.
Your reflection on where a fascist cult inevitably leads stated a sober truth.
Which means we resisters have to work even harder.
So glad we have Joe and his competent,knowlegable crew manning/ shifting the ship.
I find you brilliant Cap,guess you know you are!
Thank you for your blogs.
Cap, your blog is so funny and clever I am sorry when it ends!
I hope you can write more often. There is so much material from these deplorable monsters.
This is to let you know that I was totally charmed by your elegant use of language. “A bouquet of buttholes” just trips off the tongue, and I am looking forward to using it as soon as I find an occasion worthy of such wit. I will of course give you credit. You are the bright spot in my week.
I know that “bouquet of buttholes” is alliteration, but I’d like to think of it as an example of assonance.
“In case the literal gold idol was too subtle for anyone” … Haha! As a pastor, all I can say is, at least they are finally being honest about the flagrant idol worship. Truly unbelievable that they are being so blatant. Has nobody at CPAC read the Old Testament? They’re supposed to all be evangelicals, but you have to wonder whose bright idea this was.
I wish I had your patience and skill to mock them so well. All I have is fury and unbridled hate for the lot of them. Maybe it’s my age (79) that hampers any pity for trumpers.
Welcome to my world!
That golden statue just HAS to be a Yes Men gag, doesn’t it? If they actually wanted a gold statue to worship, wouldn’t it have been wearing a poorly tailored suit and a tie a mile too long? What is with the cartoon character wearing flag underwear and flip flops? It just makes no sense, other than as an object of ridicule.
I can’t get past the fairy wand….
Yet another brilliant masterpiece of Caustic Humor. Thank you for your blogs.
Cap you get down to the real nitty gritty. You show me a different way to look at what is going on but I am still scared as shit at this crazy, crazy, fucked to the bone republicans with pea brains that a spewing the worst rot all over the country. It makes me weak with shame. And then I get depressed. Cuz I see what is coming in the rear view mirror. It is straight up NAZI stuff and violence. These freaky fucks are following the fascism of 1932 playbook and beyond. We gotta get them out of the government. Dems have to move forward with out them.
Wall-to-wall zingers once again, well done. And yeah, it’s time to put the hippos in charge.
There seems to be no depth to this basement of horrors. We celebrated one year of isolation, January 20,2021 by ordering a new supply of N95 masks from medical supply. As a retired nurse, the horror of a half million dead Americans being cared for in our Hospitals, Emergency Squads and Primary Care Offices is outstanding and terrifying. In Pa our vaccine system is logger jammed. While we are struggling to get help, this bunch of numb nuts are partying around with no masks.
My mind cannot accept an 11 year old child freezing to death in his bed in Texas. Their Shill Governor is a bigger liar and reprinter of facts that The Donald. Then stage left is Ted Cruz. You know, the GOP has more fake humans, dead brains and bland emotions than a merry go round.
I wanted to get to live until 80, so I could see my grandchildren reach majority, but there are extenuating circumstances that blur that wish into oblivion. One more year for things to turn around, sanity to return and then . . As another chap says, “as always brothers, sisters stay safe”.
Exquisite.
I want to slap the word “science” out of that MTGs shitty mouth and wipe the word off her shitty sign. Science does NOT agree with her on the facts of transgendered or non-binary people, and I know because I am a behavioral neuroscientist and I teach the facts about sexual differentiation. I feel such rage.
I hope you are doing better Cap. BTW, I loved you comics.
Dear Cap another tour de force – every paragraph a masterpiece.
Scalise (spell check suggests “sc-sleazy”) is more accurately David Duke without the Klan Klown Kostume, although he may have one hanging in the closet (that he’s dying to come out of).
One would think that a man nearly killed by one crazy white guy with a gun would be a little more clear-eyed about the danger/evil of a mob of armed deranged white guys hell-bent on murdering congressmen. Does he really think these knuckle draggers can distinguish between Dem and GQP representatives?
Your Friday blog is like a visit from Santa Claus for me! As for the literal golden idol, I am literally out of WTFs at this point. I’m starting to wonder if COVID-19 is much more insidious than we realize, and has actually invaded the brains of millions, not surprisingly especially those who refused to wear masks or socially distance. I guess it’s as good an explanation as any…
https://www.newscorpse.com/ncWP/?p=48606
Above is an excellent article from a source new to me. I actually sent an email to a local news distributor called News Break asking why they were passing on disinformation from Fox News postings. Maybe I get a reply and maybe I won’t. I feel better for trying. Love reading all the Shower cap blogs. This one is especially great. Oh in case you were wondering what CPAC stands for – Covid Political Afflication Conference.
Joe Biden, elected by a “Landsliide, is trying to to fight the racists, stop the Trump Plague, provide some support to the victims of Putin’s Puppet President, and save the Earth from Corporate Predators. And we would like to normalize our country again. But the QAnon’s are not normal as they fantasize about mass murder. A half a million dead is not enough for Republican/QAnons. And they, Congressional QAnons, on Jan. 6, attempted to end Democracy and did murder. But their real targets, a Vice-President and Speaker of the House, barely escaped.
But it is normal somewhat. Democratic Governors are being attacked by Corporate Teevee for concealing Plague data, and even worse, Joe Biden has an expensive wristwatch and his dogs look like junkyard dogs. Does not matter we had a whole year of plague lies and plague profiteering from Republican Governors and Senators. And Gov. Cuomo may be guilty of sexual harassment. But sexual crimes do not apply to Trump and Republicans.
Oh, and Neera Tanden criticized Sen. Joe Manchin’s daughter, Heather Bresch for being a corrupt Corporate Profiteer . Neera was nominated to lead the OMB, but must be rejected. Manchin is a DINO and Corporate Shill who not only got his daughter, Heather, a job with BigPharma, he also got her a fake MBA degree. Bresch became CEO, and BigPharma Predator, and raised the price of the life-saving EpiPen by 5 times. The government, taxpayers, funded the development of the EpiPen. Then Bresch moved the company to Holland and was paid $20 million a year. How patriotic of Joe and Heather. Joe voted for all of Trump’s criminal appointments, but he will not vote for Neera. And this is normal.
Your blog has me laughing out loud every week! Thank you so much
Ted Cruz is fetch. No, really. Fetch Major, fetch.