Hey folks, it’s been a spell, hasn’t it? Did you miss me while you were overdosing on stuffing and cranberry sauce? Did you even think of me as you trampled your fellow human beings beneath your feet in a blood-crazed frenzy to save 80 bucks on a television? Anyway, I’m back, baby! Let’s catch up on the madness.

I trust you enjoyed your Thanksgiving more than the thousands of troops deployed to the southern border in Government Cheese Goebbels’ desperate, pathetic, and I must add totally failed, campaign stunt. Confronted about how his selfish abuse of his commander-in-chief powers kept so many American soldiers away from their families during the holidays, he dismissed the criticism before slinking away for a long weekend of golf, surrounded by the uber-wealthy sycophants who purchase access via Marm-a-Lago memberships, because he’s such a “populist.”

Worried that he wasn’t bringing enough shame on the United States, President Crotchrot used the full powers of his pulpit to belch up Saudi propaganda more or less verbatim, dismissing the finding of his own intelligence community and refusing to offer the slightest condemnation of MBS for that thing where he brutally murdered a critical journalist and then lied about it until he got caught.

What’s extra embarrassing here is just how cheaply our President has been bought. Just make a vague statement about how you’ll maybe make a big ol’ arms purchase some day, and he’ll accommodate your every travesty! You don’t even need to put anything in writing, as Kim Jong-un will tell you.

We also learned that the Fascist Farthuffer tried to get the Department of Justice to prosecute Hillary Clinton and James Comey for the high crime of Oh Who Cares Just Make Something Up What Good is Being President if You Can’t Just Throw People in Jail For No Reason This Gig Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be. Fortunately, he failed in this effort, because he is a loser and a failure who fails at nearly everything he tries.

I confess I’ve developed a sort of perverse admiration for Cowboy Ryan Zinke; more than perhaps any other politician, he adapted quickly and efficiently to new realities of Trumpism. He grifts like a David Mamet character, he tosses out utterly baseless conspiracy theories like cheap-ass bulk candy, and just as everything finally catches up to him, he’s merrily negotiating his transition to a high-paying media gig. He’s a real asshole, but I tip my cap.

Scam Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General, God Help Us Matt Whitaker was finally coerced into releasing his frequently-amended financial disclosure forms, as mandated by law. Matty is a cheap political hack who has been made fabulously wealthy by anonymous conservative donors, and now he’s running the whole dang Justice Department, NEAT.

By the time you read this, Little George Papaderpaderp will be in jail. He will not pass Go, he will not collect 200 Rubles. He will be locked up, for he is a criminal, convicted and confessed. In his honor, go out for a big fat steak dinner tonight; you can do that, because unlike Georgie, you are not in jail. In Paul Manafort’s honor, top it off with a giant fuckin’ slice of Key Lime pie.

Seems like we learn new details about Cindy Hyde-Smith’s hyper-racist past every hour on the hour. Past? Who’m I kidding? This is Cindy’s past, present, and future. And it’s Mississippi, so it’ll probably work out. Even though she can’t seem to remember her own name without consulting her notes first.

So now everybody who ever gave Cindy money, at any point in her life, wants that money back. Google. Wal-Mart. Major League Baseball. Her childhood neighbors, who bought little Dixie cups full of Kool-Aid from her (whites only) lemonade stand as a little girl are now demanding refunds.

Seriously though, have you noticed that in these sorta-but-not-really competitive red state Senate races, Democrats have fielded calm, rational, hyper-qualified public servants (Espy, Heitkamp, Bredesen) only to lose to the raving, clearly incompetent, hate-fueled, maniacs (Hyde-Smith, Cramer, Blackburn) that the GOP base is drawn to these days? Whole lotta economic anxiety in these states, is all I’m sayin’.

Over the holiday weekend, everybody was buzzing over Roberts v Trump: not a Supreme Court case, but a DEATH MATCH INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! See, Roberts likes an at least nominally independent judiciary, but Smallhands Magoo wants the courts to crown him king and wipe his ass and thank him for the privilege.

Anyway, fuck you Donnie, for making me take John Roberts’ side in a fight. I feel dirty.

At the same time, the Bonespur Buttplug went a-knockin’ on the Supreme Court’s door, whining “Please please PLEASE ignore all the stuff in the Constitution about rights n’ shit, and let me ban transgender troops from the military I’m too cowardly visit in combat zones, PRETTY PLEASE WITH KETCHUP ON TOP.” He did bring a six-pack of Natty Light to grease the skids with Brett Kavanaugh, so we’ll see how this turns out.

Since I haven’t posted in a week, all the good romaine lettuce recall gags have been taken, but the REAL joke, as always these days, is on the American people, who are facing an E. Coli outbreak largely because the pudding-brained fucksticks in power thought that an FDA regulation requiring that farmers test their water to make sure it isn’t SPREADING FUCKING DISEASES ALL AROUND THE FUCKING WORLD was too restrictive or some shit. Anyway, it all worked out to be much more dangerous, and expensive, so nice work, geniuses.

So I see Mass-Sexual-Harassment-n’-Abuse Enabler BIll Shine is drawing a fat severance paycheck from Fux Nooz while also pocketing a taxpayer salary to lie to us. Sure. Why not? Par for the course, here in Shitty Wonderland.

The Shart Administration tried to bury a massive new climate report on Black Friday, but I guess they forgot about how their Nonstop Fuckery Machine has turned millions and millions of Americans into full-time activists. We can make leftover turkey-and-yam-casserole sandwiches AND read about the devastating effects of climate change AND save 15% on Ninja Turtle sweatpants on Amazon at the same goddamn time, and WE SEE YOU, ASSHOLES. Nice try.

So, RogerStoneFriend/Frothy Conspiracy Loon Jerome Corsi says Bodacious Bob Mueller offered him a plea deal, but he won’t take it, cuz he’d rather die in jail! Folks, I sincerely hope this boy’s Xmas wish comes true.

Russia’s fucking around with Ukraine again, capturing ships and blocking ports, all while taunting America over their role in installing an impotent lummox in our Oval Office. One of the strangest things about Cult45 is how they see the most mocked, least feared/respected President in history as somehow “strong.”

Admit it though…if you had your very own Pet President of the United States, you’d think about expanding your borders, too. There’s a little movie theatre down the street from me, and if I get ahold of a copy of the Pee Tape, I might just walk right in, flanked by Secret Service agents, and declare myself King.

Earlier in the year, I remember reading that some Americans felt deep shame that the United States didn’t qualify for the World Cup. I confess that didn’t really move me one way or another. Now, watching American law enforcement lobbing tear gas at children? Yeah, I’m ashamed of my country now. Ashamed and disgusted and boiling with rage.

And of course, having long since surrendered every last shred of their decency to their Turdpile Emperor, we get to watch the entire institutional GOP trip over themselves to justify this inhumanity. In one short week, we’ve seen Republican officials crawl through raw sewage to find the scummiest possible excuses to support the brutal murder of a journalist, the unapologetic racism of a southern Senator, and now TEAR-GASSING LITTLE KIDS. And still, you could bet your life savings on Chuck Todd both-sidesing the shit out of ALL OF IT.

Folks, there’s no “both sides” here. There’s no middle ground. “Should we fire tear gas at children?” is an extremely low-level morality test, and I for one refuse to treat it as something that decent folks can civilly agree to disagree on. If you respond to this shit with anything other than horror, revulsion, and sadness…you’re broken. The end. Ask God for a refund on your soul.

Credit’s due where credit’s due, and I have to congratulate Sharty McFly on his latest triumph in the Big Dumb Trade War. Yes, he has achieved a stunning victory over the working class in the Rust Belt, as General Motors, stung by a billion-dollar crotch-punt brought on by his dumbass aluminum and steel tariffs, announced multiple plant closings and thousands of layoffs. Trade Wars ARE easy to win, Don…the trouble is, you’re waging war on YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY.

Mia Love, who is awful, and lost her reelection campaign because she is so awful, gave a speech yelling at Boss Shart for being awful in showy, public, ways instead of the sneaky, quiet, ways which are the accepted Republican tradition. Hey, if Trump and his dirtbag congressional enablers wanna fling shit at one another, I’m just gonna set up some bleachers and a concession stand so we can all watch, ‘kay?

Now Tangerine Idi Amin is making some noise about wanting an official state media outlet to sing his praises and inflate his golf scores. I’m sure the genius who failed at everything from steaks to casinos and somehow managed to pass a tax cut that nobody likes* will pull that off without a hitch. The prime-time block of Stephen Miller glowering straight at the camera while ranting about immigrants promises to be a ratings bonanza.

Here’s a fun little article about how the Shart House is completely unprepared and understaffed for the coming onslaught of investigations from the newly-elected Democratic House majority. It’s practically pornographic. I for one can’t wait to watch Adam Schiff Riverdance all over Fat Q*Bert’s ass.

Big congrats to NASA, who successfully landed their InSight probe ON THE SURFACE OF MOTHERFUCKING MARS, Y’ALL. The rest of us are trapped here with Melania’s nightmarish Xmas hellscape. Jeeeeeesus. You expect to find Eric writing “REDRUM” on the walls in lipstick, don’tcha?

What’s this now? Seems Precocious Paul Manafort likes jail so much, he’s determined to stay there forever! This dumb fuck has apparently been lying to the Mueller investigation, in violation of his plea agreement, so The Bobadook has taken sentencing leniency off the table. You better hope that package under the tree is a Big Fat Presidential Pardon, kid…but it looks like socks n’ underpants to me.

Well, we’re basically caught up, except for the GOOD NEWS, that is! The Blue Wave keeps getting bigger n’ bigger, with the vote landing in genuinely historic territory, and we may end up with a nice, even, 40 seat swing in the House! Donnie Dotard’s numbers are moving in the other direction, hard and fast. Oh, and a certain Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to work after a short absence, juggling bowling balls on the way to the bench, just to prove she can.

And us? You n’ me? We’re right back where we belong, Shower Captives…IN THE FIGHT.

*Fuckin’ Hercules couldn’t pull that shit off.