Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The Blue Wave Got So Big, it Washed Away Paul Manafort’s Brains!
Hey folks, it’s been a spell, hasn’t it? Did you miss me while you were overdosing on stuffing and cranberry sauce? Did you even think of me as you trampled your fellow human beings beneath your feet in a blood-crazed frenzy to save 80 bucks on a television? Anyway, I’m back, baby! Let’s catch up on the madness.
I trust you enjoyed your Thanksgiving more than the thousands of troops deployed to the southern border in Government Cheese Goebbels’ desperate, pathetic, and I must add totally failed, campaign stunt. Confronted about how his selfish abuse of his commander-in-chief powers kept so many American soldiers away from their families during the holidays, he dismissed the criticism before slinking away for a long weekend of golf, surrounded by the uber-wealthy sycophants who purchase access via Marm-a-Lago memberships, because he’s such a “populist.”
Worried that he wasn’t bringing enough shame on the United States, President Crotchrot used the full powers of his pulpit to belch up Saudi propaganda more or less verbatim, dismissing the finding of his own intelligence community and refusing to offer the slightest condemnation of MBS for that thing where he brutally murdered a critical journalist and then lied about it until he got caught.
What’s extra embarrassing here is just how cheaply our President has been bought. Just make a vague statement about how you’ll maybe make a big ol’ arms purchase some day, and he’ll accommodate your every travesty! You don’t even need to put anything in writing, as Kim Jong-un will tell you.
We also learned that the Fascist Farthuffer tried to get the Department of Justice to prosecute Hillary Clinton and James Comey for the high crime of Oh Who Cares Just Make Something Up What Good is Being President if You Can’t Just Throw People in Jail For No Reason This Gig Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be. Fortunately, he failed in this effort, because he is a loser and a failure who fails at nearly everything he tries.
I confess I’ve developed a sort of perverse admiration for Cowboy Ryan Zinke; more than perhaps any other politician, he adapted quickly and efficiently to new realities of Trumpism. He grifts like a David Mamet character, he tosses out utterly baseless conspiracy theories like cheap-ass bulk candy, and just as everything finally catches up to him, he’s merrily negotiating his transition to a high-paying media gig. He’s a real asshole, but I tip my cap.
Scam Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General, God Help Us Matt Whitaker was finally coerced into releasing his frequently-amended financial disclosure forms, as mandated by law. Matty is a cheap political hack who has been made fabulously wealthy by anonymous conservative donors, and now he’s running the whole dang Justice Department, NEAT.
By the time you read this, Little George Papaderpaderp will be in jail. He will not pass Go, he will not collect 200 Rubles. He will be locked up, for he is a criminal, convicted and confessed. In his honor, go out for a big fat steak dinner tonight; you can do that, because unlike Georgie, you are not in jail. In Paul Manafort’s honor, top it off with a giant fuckin’ slice of Key Lime pie.
Seems like we learn new details about Cindy Hyde-Smith’s hyper-racist past every hour on the hour. Past? Who’m I kidding? This is Cindy’s past, present, and future. And it’s Mississippi, so it’ll probably work out. Even though she can’t seem to remember her own name without consulting her notes first.
So now everybody who ever gave Cindy money, at any point in her life, wants that money back. Google. Wal-Mart. Major League Baseball. Her childhood neighbors, who bought little Dixie cups full of Kool-Aid from her (whites only) lemonade stand as a little girl are now demanding refunds.
Seriously though, have you noticed that in these sorta-but-not-really competitive red state Senate races, Democrats have fielded calm, rational, hyper-qualified public servants (Espy, Heitkamp, Bredesen) only to lose to the raving, clearly incompetent, hate-fueled, maniacs (Hyde-Smith, Cramer, Blackburn) that the GOP base is drawn to these days? Whole lotta economic anxiety in these states, is all I’m sayin’.
Over the holiday weekend, everybody was buzzing over Roberts v Trump: not a Supreme Court case, but a DEATH MATCH INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! See, Roberts likes an at least nominally independent judiciary, but Smallhands Magoo wants the courts to crown him king and wipe his ass and thank him for the privilege.
Anyway, fuck you Donnie, for making me take John Roberts’ side in a fight. I feel dirty.
At the same time, the Bonespur Buttplug went a-knockin’ on the Supreme Court’s door, whining “Please please PLEASE ignore all the stuff in the Constitution about rights n’ shit, and let me ban transgender troops from the military I’m too cowardly visit in combat zones, PRETTY PLEASE WITH KETCHUP ON TOP.” He did bring a six-pack of Natty Light to grease the skids with Brett Kavanaugh, so we’ll see how this turns out.
Since I haven’t posted in a week, all the good romaine lettuce recall gags have been taken, but the REAL joke, as always these days, is on the American people, who are facing an E. Coli outbreak largely because the pudding-brained fucksticks in power thought that an FDA regulation requiring that farmers test their water to make sure it isn’t SPREADING FUCKING DISEASES ALL AROUND THE FUCKING WORLD was too restrictive or some shit. Anyway, it all worked out to be much more dangerous, and expensive, so nice work, geniuses.
So I see Mass-Sexual-Harassment-n’-Abuse Enabler BIll Shine is drawing a fat severance paycheck from Fux Nooz while also pocketing a taxpayer salary to lie to us. Sure. Why not? Par for the course, here in Shitty Wonderland.
The Shart Administration tried to bury a massive new climate report on Black Friday, but I guess they forgot about how their Nonstop Fuckery Machine has turned millions and millions of Americans into full-time activists. We can make leftover turkey-and-yam-casserole sandwiches AND read about the devastating effects of climate change AND save 15% on Ninja Turtle sweatpants on Amazon at the same goddamn time, and WE SEE YOU, ASSHOLES. Nice try.
So, RogerStoneFriend/Frothy Conspiracy Loon Jerome Corsi says Bodacious Bob Mueller offered him a plea deal, but he won’t take it, cuz he’d rather die in jail! Folks, I sincerely hope this boy’s Xmas wish comes true.
Russia’s fucking around with Ukraine again, capturing ships and blocking ports, all while taunting America over their role in installing an impotent lummox in our Oval Office. One of the strangest things about Cult45 is how they see the most mocked, least feared/respected President in history as somehow “strong.”
Admit it though…if you had your very own Pet President of the United States, you’d think about expanding your borders, too. There’s a little movie theatre down the street from me, and if I get ahold of a copy of the Pee Tape, I might just walk right in, flanked by Secret Service agents, and declare myself King.
Earlier in the year, I remember reading that some Americans felt deep shame that the United States didn’t qualify for the World Cup. I confess that didn’t really move me one way or another. Now, watching American law enforcement lobbing tear gas at children? Yeah, I’m ashamed of my country now. Ashamed and disgusted and boiling with rage.
And of course, having long since surrendered every last shred of their decency to their Turdpile Emperor, we get to watch the entire institutional GOP trip over themselves to justify this inhumanity. In one short week, we’ve seen Republican officials crawl through raw sewage to find the scummiest possible excuses to support the brutal murder of a journalist, the unapologetic racism of a southern Senator, and now TEAR-GASSING LITTLE KIDS. And still, you could bet your life savings on Chuck Todd both-sidesing the shit out of ALL OF IT.
Folks, there’s no “both sides” here. There’s no middle ground. “Should we fire tear gas at children?” is an extremely low-level morality test, and I for one refuse to treat it as something that decent folks can civilly agree to disagree on. If you respond to this shit with anything other than horror, revulsion, and sadness…you’re broken. The end. Ask God for a refund on your soul.
Credit’s due where credit’s due, and I have to congratulate Sharty McFly on his latest triumph in the Big Dumb Trade War. Yes, he has achieved a stunning victory over the working class in the Rust Belt, as General Motors, stung by a billion-dollar crotch-punt brought on by his dumbass aluminum and steel tariffs, announced multiple plant closings and thousands of layoffs. Trade Wars ARE easy to win, Don…the trouble is, you’re waging war on YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY.
Mia Love, who is awful, and lost her reelection campaign because she is so awful, gave a speech yelling at Boss Shart for being awful in showy, public, ways instead of the sneaky, quiet, ways which are the accepted Republican tradition. Hey, if Trump and his dirtbag congressional enablers wanna fling shit at one another, I’m just gonna set up some bleachers and a concession stand so we can all watch, ‘kay?
Now Tangerine Idi Amin is making some noise about wanting an official state media outlet to sing his praises and inflate his golf scores. I’m sure the genius who failed at everything from steaks to casinos and somehow managed to pass a tax cut that nobody likes* will pull that off without a hitch. The prime-time block of Stephen Miller glowering straight at the camera while ranting about immigrants promises to be a ratings bonanza.
Here’s a fun little article about how the Shart House is completely unprepared and understaffed for the coming onslaught of investigations from the newly-elected Democratic House majority. It’s practically pornographic. I for one can’t wait to watch Adam Schiff Riverdance all over Fat Q*Bert’s ass.
Big congrats to NASA, who successfully landed their InSight probe ON THE SURFACE OF MOTHERFUCKING MARS, Y’ALL. The rest of us are trapped here with Melania’s nightmarish Xmas hellscape. Jeeeeeesus. You expect to find Eric writing “REDRUM” on the walls in lipstick, don’tcha?
What’s this now? Seems Precocious Paul Manafort likes jail so much, he’s determined to stay there forever! This dumb fuck has apparently been lying to the Mueller investigation, in violation of his plea agreement, so The Bobadook has taken sentencing leniency off the table. You better hope that package under the tree is a Big Fat Presidential Pardon, kid…but it looks like socks n’ underpants to me.
Well, we’re basically caught up, except for the GOOD NEWS, that is! The Blue Wave keeps getting bigger n’ bigger, with the vote landing in genuinely historic territory, and we may end up with a nice, even, 40 seat swing in the House! Donnie Dotard’s numbers are moving in the other direction, hard and fast. Oh, and a certain Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to work after a short absence, juggling bowling balls on the way to the bench, just to prove she can.
And us? You n’ me? We’re right back where we belong, Shower Captives…IN THE FIGHT.
*Fuckin’ Hercules couldn’t pull that shit off.