Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Thanksgiving Celebrations Marred as Princess Ivanka Commits the Greatest Crime of All
In this season of Thanksgiving, let me express my gratitude for the Great Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, and everyone who made it possible. And for beer, of course. And um…the Doobie Brothers are pretty cool, I guess. Enough schmaltzy shit, let’s do the news.
Let’s kick things off by reporting on a presidential injury. Yes, Orange Julius Caesar received treatment for a sprained wrist, sustained when he high-fived himself too hard for referring to Congressman Adam Schiff as, and move over Bill Murray, ”Adam Schitt.” Basically, America took the fourteenth cleverest kid on the elementary school playground, and gave him nuclear codes. Neat.
Still, I’m confident Congressman Schiff will have not only the last laugh, but the last seventy or eighty laughs, drawn out over god knows how many televised hearings over the next couple years. Call Adam whatever you like, Fuck-o, you’ll be calling the gavel of the House Intelligence Committee “Mjolnir” before he’s done with ya.
What can I say about the Finland/raking thing that hasn’t already been said? Because he is a malicious nitwit who lies incessantly, even about things that don’t matter, the Velveeta Vulgarian decided to blame the massive California wildfires on…fuck, I don’t know, “forest raking” or some shit? Dumb fuck even reached all the way up his own ass to fabricate a phony conversation with the President of Finland. About raking. Good lord.
And why? Because in the midst of a tragedy that’s already killed dozens, with hundreds more missing, he’s got this perverse need to find some reason, any reason, to blame everything on people who didn’t vote for him. It’s the mendacity, the vindictiveness, and the insecurity all rolled up into one perfectly Trumpian package.
Anyway, every man, woman, and child in Finland is openly mocking America with rake jokes now. I feel shame. What next? A kick-me sign, taped to the President’s back by the Latvian ambassador? Maybe Rodrigo Duterte offers him a can of peanuts, but a springy snake pops out instead?
In the olden days, political parties would present policy proposals to potential voters, solutions to their problems, in bids to earn their support. Well, the GOP isn’t real big on solutions these days, so they’ve decided to offer up enemies instead.
And we have a new Public Enemy Number One this week in…Admiral William McRaven? Yeah, okay, maybe he served his country for decades, and commanded the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, but he criticized the Bonespur Buttplug for his fascist attacks on the free press, so he gets to be center square in the Two Minutes Hate for a bit.
…that was too much, wasn’t it? Trying to mash up a 1984 joke with a Hollywood Squares joke? Hubris, Cap…hubris.
Anyway, the sudden focus on on McRaven stems from an interview with Fox’s Chris Wallace, in which the Marmalade Shartcannon seemed fiercely determined to prove that that his Finland/rake comments weren’t some outlier masking an otherwise fierce (or even functional) intellect.
Highlights included the deadbeat who goes on weekly taxpayer-funded golf vacations claiming he’s just too goshdarned busy to visit the troops risking their lives daily in war zones overseas, and that he’s too frightened to listen to the audio recording of Jamal Khashoggi’s brutal murder, because he is a great big whiny wuss. He also said something about how it’s obscene the way Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants. Probably.
Two stories out of Ohio in recent days, both too ridiculous for me to improve upon with satiric exaggeration; one amusing, one horrifying. Let’s see if you can tell which is which:
1. Rumor has it that the Cleveland Browns, a professional football team, want to interview former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for their head coaching job!
2. The ridiculously-gerrymandered Ohio state legislature is considering an anti-choice bill so extreme, a woman getting an abortion could be punished with the death penalty!
Oh, that zany Ohio.
So the Shart House briefly threatened to immediately re-suspend Jim Acosta’s press pass once a 14-day restraining order expired, so CNN said, “Whatever, brah, we’ll just sue your fascist asses all over again,” and the wannabe-authoritarians backed down yet again, because they are puny 98-pound weaklings, and the first amendment kicked sand right in their sniveling wimp faces.
…but Sarah Slanders used the opportunity to attempt to impose some new rules on the White House press corps. Now reporters are forbidden to ask follow-up questions, plus they all have to solve a Rubik’s Cube, do the truffle shuffle, and chant, “klaatu barada nikto” before entering the briefing room. Losing in court is like a drug to these fuckers, they just can’t give it up.
A trio of Dem Senators are suing the the Assclown Brigade over the unconstitutional appointment of Pudding-Brained Hot Tub Spokesgoon Matthew Whitaker as acting attorney general. I won’t pretend I understand the merits of the case, but maybe hold off on installing the Scott Pruitt Soundproof Wank Booth in your office, Matty.
Congratulations to the emotionally-stunted man-children in the “Proud Boys!” You’ve now been officially designated an “extremist group with ties to white nationalism” by the FBI! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the heightened scrutiny from law enforcement agencies, as well as the complimentary gift basket, which includes soaps and other grooming products, cuz y’all have clearly been neglecting personal hygiene during your ill-attended stormtrooper LARP parties.
Maybe the stench was the reason your pathetic contingent couldn’t hail a cab after your lil’ “rally” in Philadelphia? Or maybe it’s just that everybody hates Nazis. Let the shunning commence, says I. Don’t sell these losers Girl Scout cookies or ballpark franks or craft beer. Let them eat MyPillows.
If you’re looking for a little schadenfreude to pour over the Thanksgiving mashed potatoes like gravy, how about the news that Neurosurgeon/HUD Secretary/Blithering Idiot Ben Carson is having a Detroit high school un-named after him? In a related move, the school will no longer be using the gymnasium to store grain.
…and if you want that schadenfreude to turn sour and morph into deep existential dread, give this Washington Post article, on the way fake news is spread and consumed, a quick spin. You get up close n’ personal with a woman so thoroughly brainwashed by the right-wing screechosphere that she unquestioningly believes even “stories” that originate on satirical sites designed to embarrass gullible conservatives. Even when the author of the piece straight up tells her it’s a fabrication. Creepy shit.
Did you read it? Yeah. If you need to go get a hug, or cry for a bit, I’ll still be here. Drinking. Heavily.
Just to drive that article’s point home though, have you seen the totally-fabricated meme about Representative-elect Ilhan Omar, one of the first Muslim women elected to Congress, making the rounds on the right? How detached from reality do you have to be to believe that someone running for the House off Representatives would say “I think all white men should be put in chains as slaves because they will never submit to Islam?” Shit, these folks are so well-trained to hate the left, they’d believe anything, no matter how ridiculous, maybe even up to a conspiracy that the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza shop.
…nah, that’s just too far-fetched.
Well, you can take the yellow ribbon down off the old oak tree, because the troops are finally coming home! …from the southern border, where they were deployed, at massive expense, as a desperate last-minute campaign stunt designed to stoke the fears of the oh-so-easily-manipulated GOP base. A three hour motion picture epic depicting life on the caravan non-front, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Shia LaBeouf, will debut in theatres next fall.
Princess Ivanka violated federal records rules by conducting official government business from a personal e-mail account. In accordance with established standards, she will now be hounded by Republican investigators for the rest of her days, starting with Trey Gowdy dressing up like Jacob Marley and rattling his chains outside her bedroom window for the remainder of the holiday season.
Surely Weehands McNodick will disown his daughter for this gravest of crimes. Ethical consistency is pretty much the entire Trump brand.
Ok, that’s all got tonight. In theory, the news will slow down over the holiday, so we may not see each other until next week, Shower Captives. Or maybe we nuke Finland on Wednesday over the rake thing. I’m playing it by ear.