Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The National Emergency is the President is a Malevolent Dumbass
Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight’s madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps on American soil, because, as I have oft remarked, we live in Hell.
Well, the Government Shartdown is ongoing, and I’ve had to furlough Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, which really isn’t that bad, because it’s not like I pay him or anything. And anyhow, what’re all these people whining about, anyway? Oh, so you’re “working without pay” or “can’t pay your mortgage?” COWBOY UP, you CUCKS! As the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully points out, y’all can just “make adjustments!” Adjustments like sleeping outside instead of having a roof over your head! Or, if your budget is straining under the costs of food, have you tried adjusting by just not eating? It’s BOOTSTRAP TIME!
And hey, it’s not like we’re doing lasting damage to our national parks or anything. Not like domestic violence shelters are in danger of closing because the Violence Against Women act lapsed with the shutdown.
But look, as your bank account dwindles and your stress mounts, you can at least take comfort in knowing that park rangers are still hard at work in at least one historic location: and wouldn’tcha know it, it’s the one on the site of President Crotchrot’s Washington, D.C. hotel! Gosh that’s one zany-ass coincidence, isn’t it? I bet the lifeguard at the ball pit in Jared Kushner’s office has to work, too.
Somehow, the historically unpopular President has actually decided to increase his demands in exchange for ending his unpopular shutdown over his unpopular wall policy, because hey, he’s the Shart o’ the Deal! You picture Chuck n’ Nancy just sort of…blinking at him silently, with a look of disdain colored with mild pity.
And because this is Hell, and Satan is laughing at us as we squirm, we learned that the Big Dumb Wall, that nobody wants, that wouldn’t even work, that’s the entire cause of this moronic, wasteful, standoff, originated as a goddamn memory device, to trick the barely-functioning, Adderall-soaked, brain inside the Doddering Dotard’s thick skull into remembering to talk about immigration on the campaign trail. That’s some dark shit, folks. Dark. Shit.
The persecution of Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has escalated to the point where she’s even getting fact-checked on Fux Nooz. Sarah was all, “What the FUCK, Chris Wallace, have you forgotten that your whole job is to magnify my ridiculous lies, in this case pertaining to the eleventy-million terrorists who sneak across the southern border every single day, snickering about how a wall would totally keep them out, but Americans are too stupid to build it?”
It’s actually been kind of a banner stretch for comically-disprovable lies from Team Treason. I suppose we can’t really blame them; the truth is not particularly accommodating to their records or goals. They’re fully locked into a “fool some of the people all the time” strategy, and considering their loyal rube army believes every nutjob conspiracy theory from Jade Helm to Pizzagate, why not go hog wild?
Like, for example, why not fellate yourself for preventing a completely imaginary armed conflict? Yup, the Marmalade Shartcannon is very impressed with the way he single-handedly staved off war with North Korea, which was totally in real life just about happen, pinky swear. It’s nincompoop-level Orwell: we have never been at war with Eastasia, actually, because I stopped it with my raw, unfiltered, awesomeness.
And now all the living ex-Presidents have gone on the record denying Le Grande Sharte’s obviously bogus claim that they all have secret crushes on the Big Dumb Wall, because I guess we really do have to bother Jimmy Carter with this shit now. “Why would I want such a damn fool thing?” asked Carter, before returning to kicking cancer’s ass with one hand while building houses for the less fortunate with the other.
In the face of all this lying, the Tangelo Taint Tumor announced a prime time Oval Office speech, so he can lie to the whole country at once. And all the networks have to decide whether or not to give the fuckhead such a powerful platform to belch up his hateful propaganda. “Well, on the one hand, it’s newsworthy, on the other, he’s using disinformation as a tool to fuel racist hostility and destroy American democracy. But then, our Tuesday sitcom slate hasn’t been performing well anyhow.”
A fresh new entry in the blossoming subgenre of Trump Buyer’s Remorse Interviews from the Failing New York Times, featuring a dude who voted for Shart Garfunkel because “He was supposed to hurt OTHER people not ME!” but now tariffs are destroying HIS business, and dang, bro, I’m sure sorry that the suffering you chose to inflict on the nation has come around to bite you in the ass. Anyway, I have some shit you can eat if you want.
Increasing clarity on the Shart Doctrine regarding Syria, where our policy is either totally different than before or exactly the same. Or not. Troops will be coming home soon, or perhaps staying indefinitely, or maybe opening a chain of frozen yogurt stands. The plot of The Big Sleep is our Syria policy, basically.
However, they’ve used Littlefinger’s misinformed Middle East yo-yoing to chase Jim Mattis, with his stubborn refusal to blow up the post-WWII international order on a whim, out the door, and now they’ve forced Pentagon Chief of Staff Kevin Sweeney out as well. Word is, they’re having trouble filling the Defense Secretary post, which is odd, because who wouldn’t jump at the chance to talk their boss out of nuking Paris because Emmanuel Macron shook his hand too hard.
And Smelly Creep Julian Assange has apparently gotten sick of everybody calling him a smelly creep, and is now threatening to sue any journalist who mentions what a smelly creep he is. I figure it’ll be a while before that smelly creep makes his way down to my humble blog page, so I’m probably safe.
Mike Pompeo, who is a fake patriot, an equally fake Christian, and, tragically, America’s top diplomat, will be giving a little speech in Cairo, holding up the journalist-butchering Saudi regime as an example to be followed when it comes to human rights, which really ought to deeply humiliate anyone who believes in any of those silly ol’ American principles we used to learn about in school. Anyway, I finally have the answer to the once-ridiculous question, “what would it take to make you actually miss a ruinous clod like Rex Tillerson?”
Hey, didja see the poll that shows Nancy Pelosi is better liked than Hairpiece Himmler now? Oh man, that’s good shit. I wanna print that poll out, and stand on the Shart House lawn, holding it over my head, Say-Anything-style. More than a decade of demonizing Pelosi, they’ve made her more popular and powerful than ever. Tee fuckin’ hee.
Heh. Looks like Jag of All Trades Mick Mulvaney is already loading his luggage into one of the last remaining lifeboats aboard the Shartanic, eyeing a new gig as president of the University of South Carolina. Gosh. And after Stephen Miller went through all that trouble getting his measurements just right for those Klan robes during Secret Santa.
Well, that’s all I got tonight, friends. While I hope to keep services running during the shutdown, you may want to stockpile some poop jokes in the event of a shortage. Be prepared, is all I’m sayin’.