Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The News, or, How Many White Supremacists Does it Take to Ruin the Week when an Avengers Movie Comes Out?
Kind of a light week, news-wise…it was like a meth-addled badger got dropped on our heads just twice a day, instead of hourly, like we’re used to, how refreshing. Well, let’s power through this shit so we can all enjoy our Great Big Superhero Fight and our Great Big Dragon Fight this weekend, huh?
Texas Senator John Cornyn is receiving treatment for severe bruising sustained in the dragging he received when he figured it would be a good idea to pick a fight with Patton Oswalt. We all had a nice laugh, but the incumbent Senator really shored up the Humorless Puritan vote with this strategic Twitter feud.
Well, Shart Garfunkel is so eager to have all the Totally Exonerating details of the Mueller Report repeated in open congressional hearings that he’s doing everything short of duct-taping Don McGahn to the bathroom wall to keep witnesses from testifying. Total Exonerations are just better when there’s a little mystery to ‘em, don’tcha think? “Oh yes, the incontrovertible evidence of my innocence is safely locked away in this exotically-decorated urn, America, but you must never ever open it,” and then he drops a smoke bomb and awkwardly waddles away…
And Steve Mnuchin keeps choreographing ever-more-elaborate tap-dancing routines to shield the Candycorn Skidmark’s tax returns from congressional investigators. While ol’ Mnuchbag risks being held in contempt of Congress, he has a brilliant plan to circumvent any legal consequences, by simply selling the Treasury Department to his awful, awful, wife.
Ah, but away from cozy confines of the federal government, the Marmalade Shartcannon is as powerless to obstruct as he is to wrap his tiny, inadequate, fingers around a baseball. Word is, Deutsche Bank has begun complying with a subpoena from New York’s Attorney General, though in the interest of good taste they’re likely to withhold the racy pics of Ivanka he keeps in that safe deposit box.
The Ostomy Bag with a Dead Tabby on Top called a meeting with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, to address the growing threat of violent political extremism spreading on social media HA HA HA JUST KIDDING he was whining about his follower count dropping when the bots get deleted. I mean, MOST Presidents would be focused on combating the Russian attacks revealed in the Mueller Report, but it takes a truly stable genius to fixate on the number of people who get to watch him misspell “hamburger” in real time.
Anybody else worried that one of these days, while our commander in chief is “busy” obsessively refreshing his phone, whinging about the Deep State conspiracy to prevent his latest nickname for Amy Klobuchar from getting more likes, Justin Trudeau is gonna order covert ops teams to sneak across the border to seize Washington before anybody knows what’s going on?
…did I say “worried?” I think I meant “hopeful.”
Speaking of Twitter, there’s apparently some evidence that they’re neglecting to purge their platform of white supremacist content out of the fear that the necessary algorithms would sweep up a number of Republican politicians BECAUSE MANY REPUBLICAN POLITICIANS POST WHITE SUPREMACIST CONTENT, and if anybody needs me, I’ll be in the corner weeping for my country.
The longest-serving Republican in the Iowa state legislature, Andy McKean, decided he no longer wanted to play for a team captained by a pussy-grabbing, daughter-lusting, justice-obstructing, steak-ruining, sack of monkey shit, and switched parties! Welcome aboard, Andy! If anyone else from Club Donkey finds a little love of country in that trunk in the attic, next to your football pads and your prom corsage, there’s always plenty of room aboard the Good Ship Decency.
Sticking with Iowa for a moment, Steve King compared himself to Jesus, that was something. Before anybody gets too offended by the sacrilege here, you should know that King was referring to Ed Forrest, who played the title role in a community theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar in his district. Ed is a white supremacist.
Seems Disgraced Former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, in her down time, when she wasn’t focused on running kiddie koncentration kamps, actually tried to do her job, and, y’know, protect the United States from Russian election interference, but she ran into a rather unique obstacle; her neanderthal narcissist boss, who values his own fragile self-image infinitely more than the safety and security of the United States, and whose fee-fees get hurt whenever he has to think about how he’s only president because Vlad Putin gave him an electoral booster seat. Trumpal ego > national security. COOL.
You know, the Velveeta Vulgarian is a chronically mediocre man, who habitually exaggerates, or even outright fabricates accomplishments, and that’s pathetic, but even I have to admit he’s achieved something truly spectacular here. Making a Constitution-shredding, child-torturing, terrorist like Nielsen the unequivocal good guy in any scenario is mighty damn impressive.
I see the anti-vaxxers are protesting out in California. It’s amazing to me, how passionate some people are about their “right” to endanger their children’s health. “It’s so goddamn important in fact, I demand the right to expose everyone else’s kids to contagious diseases, too!” We can’t keep Futurama on the air, but we brought fucking MEASLES back. That’s right, campers, we’re in the middle of the largest measles outbreak since 2000. Somewhere between “thumbs” and “the internet,” evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
Luckily, there will NOT be an outbreak of Milo Yadon’tgotnoincomenomo in Oklahoma, where his latest attempt to monetize his hateful trolling has fallen apart. Having lived through both “Milo is an alt-right celebrity, making headlines daily” and “Milo, having been thoroughly de-platformed, surfaces every six months to fail humiliatingly and then disappear again,” let me say I generally prefer the latter.
Excommunicated Former Yokel General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th’Third emerged from a retirement otherwise spent baking cookies in the shape of burning crosses to demand everyone “move on” now that Bob Mueller has declined to order a SWAT team to kick down the doors to the Oval Office. Sure thing Jeff, just as soon as you “move on” from Reconstruction.
And Benjamin Netanyahu wants to name some settlements in the Golan Heights after his white nationalist buddy. Congratulations to the future residents of Dickless Indicted Shitweasel Park, I guess.
Today we learned precisely how much North Korea fears and respects the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits; they actually presented him with a $2 million hospital bill when they returned then-comatose hostage Otto Warmbier to American custody in 2017. They’d never have dreamed of treating Obama that way, and if they pulled that shit on Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong-un would still be picking pieces of that bill out of his stool.
Franklin Graham became the latest fake Christian Trump pimp to attack Pete Buttigieg for his sexuality, and I know what I’m supposed to do now is list all the commandments and laws and biblical dietary restrictions the Emperor of Turdmaggots regularly violates, in order to demonstrate Graham’s hypocrisy. But there’s no hypocrisy, folks. Graham isn’t a Christian, he’s a high priest in a white supremacist hate cult, and he has been remarkably consistent in his beliefs over the course of his shitty little life. You could no more hope to shame Frankie with Bible verses than you could Mitch McConnell with videos of his own older, contradictory, statements. Why expect moral consistency from profoundly immoral men?
Lara Trump wandered out on television to muse that Germany’s biggest problem was that they weren’t white nationalist enough, and is there like, some sort of secret Racist Rich Idiot Trashbag dating site, where jagoffs like the Trump Boyz go to seek suitably deplorable mates?
And Diamond Joe Biden finally jumped into the Democratic primary race, with his potential opponent, a man who believes exercise is bad for you, insulting his intelligence. There’s only one way to resolve this controversy; I propose a series of umbrella-closing contests.
But another big victory in the war on voting rights, as the Republican gerrymander in Michigan went down in flames like Stephen Miller at a speed-dating party! Don’t you just love how I dump sixty pounds of shit on you every single post, but then I hand you a lollipop at the end, so you can walk away feelin’ good?
My friends, I love you all, and I am beyond grateful for the gift of your attention for these long-ass rants, but I’m checking out for the weekend. Whether it’s Avengers, or Game of Thrones, or just slipping a little dose of somethin’ hallucinogenic into your lemonade and staring the wallpaper as it shifts and morphs and tells you the meaning of life, do somethin’ that delights you this weekend; you’ve earned it!