Kind of a light week, news-wise…it was like a meth-addled badger got dropped on our heads just twice a day, instead of hourly, like we’re used to, how refreshing. Well, let’s power through this shit so we can all enjoy our Great Big Superhero Fight and our Great Big Dragon Fight this weekend, huh?

Texas Senator John Cornyn is receiving treatment for severe bruising sustained in the dragging he received when he figured it would be a good idea to pick a fight with Patton Oswalt. We all had a nice laugh, but the incumbent Senator really shored up the Humorless Puritan vote with this strategic Twitter feud.

Well, Shart Garfunkel is so eager to have all the Totally Exonerating details of the Mueller Report repeated in open congressional hearings that he’s doing everything short of duct-taping Don McGahn to the bathroom wall to keep witnesses from testifying. Total Exonerations are just better when there’s a little mystery to ‘em, don’tcha think? “Oh yes, the incontrovertible evidence of my innocence is safely locked away in this exotically-decorated urn, America, but you must never ever open it,” and then he drops a smoke bomb and awkwardly waddles away…

And Steve Mnuchin keeps choreographing ever-more-elaborate tap-dancing routines to shield the Candycorn Skidmark’s tax returns from congressional investigators. While ol’ Mnuchbag risks being held in contempt of Congress, he has a brilliant plan to circumvent any legal consequences, by simply selling the Treasury Department to his awful, awful, wife.

Ah, but away from cozy confines of the federal government, the Marmalade Shartcannon is as powerless to obstruct as he is to wrap his tiny, inadequate, fingers around a baseball. Word is, Deutsche Bank has begun complying with a subpoena from New York’s Attorney General, though in the interest of good taste they’re likely to withhold the racy pics of Ivanka he keeps in that safe deposit box.

The Ostomy Bag with a Dead Tabby on Top called a meeting with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, to address the growing threat of violent political extremism spreading on social media HA HA HA JUST KIDDING he was whining about his follower count dropping when the bots get deleted. I mean, MOST Presidents would be focused on combating the Russian attacks revealed in the Mueller Report, but it takes a truly stable genius to fixate on the number of people who get to watch him misspell “hamburger” in real time.

Anybody else worried that one of these days, while our commander in chief is “busy” obsessively refreshing his phone, whinging about the Deep State conspiracy to prevent his latest nickname for Amy Klobuchar from getting more likes, Justin Trudeau is gonna order covert ops teams to sneak across the border to seize Washington before anybody knows what’s going on?

…did I say “worried?” I think I meant “hopeful.”

Speaking of Twitter, there’s apparently some evidence that they’re neglecting to purge their platform of white supremacist content out of the fear that the necessary algorithms would sweep up a number of Republican politicians BECAUSE MANY REPUBLICAN POLITICIANS POST WHITE SUPREMACIST CONTENT, and if anybody needs me, I’ll be in the corner weeping for my country.

The longest-serving Republican in the Iowa state legislature, Andy McKean, decided he no longer wanted to play for a team captained by a pussy-grabbing, daughter-lusting, justice-obstructing, steak-ruining, sack of monkey shit, and switched parties! Welcome aboard, Andy! If anyone else from Club Donkey finds a little love of country in that trunk in the attic, next to your football pads and your prom corsage, there’s always plenty of room aboard the Good Ship Decency.

Sticking with Iowa for a moment, Steve King compared himself to Jesus, that was something. Before anybody gets too offended by the sacrilege here, you should know that King was referring to Ed Forrest, who played the title role in a community theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar in his district. Ed is a white supremacist.

Seems Disgraced Former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, in her down time, when she wasn’t focused on running kiddie koncentration kamps, actually tried to do her job, and, y’know, protect the United States from Russian election interference, but she ran into a rather unique obstacle; her neanderthal narcissist boss, who values his own fragile self-image infinitely more than the safety and security of the United States, and whose fee-fees get hurt whenever he has to think about how he’s only president because Vlad Putin gave him an electoral booster seat. Trumpal ego > national security. COOL.   

You know, the Velveeta Vulgarian is a chronically mediocre man, who habitually exaggerates, or even outright fabricates accomplishments, and that’s pathetic, but even I have to admit he’s achieved something truly spectacular here. Making a Constitution-shredding, child-torturing, terrorist like Nielsen the unequivocal good guy in any scenario is mighty damn impressive.

I see the anti-vaxxers are protesting out in California. It’s amazing to me, how passionate some people are about their “right” to endanger their children’s health. “It’s so goddamn important in fact, I demand the right to expose everyone else’s kids to contagious diseases, too!” We can’t keep Futurama on the air, but we brought fucking MEASLES back. That’s right, campers, we’re in the middle of the largest measles outbreak since 2000. Somewhere between “thumbs” and “the internet,” evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Luckily, there will NOT be an outbreak of Milo Yadon’tgotnoincomenomo in Oklahoma, where his latest attempt to monetize his hateful trolling has fallen apart. Having lived through both “Milo is an alt-right celebrity, making headlines daily” and “Milo, having been thoroughly de-platformed, surfaces every six months to fail humiliatingly and then disappear again,” let me say I generally prefer the latter.

Excommunicated Former Yokel General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th’Third emerged from a retirement otherwise spent baking cookies in the shape of burning crosses to demand everyone “move on” now that Bob Mueller has declined to order a SWAT team to kick down the doors to the Oval Office.  Sure thing Jeff, just as soon as you “move on” from Reconstruction.

And Benjamin Netanyahu wants to name some settlements in the Golan Heights after his white nationalist buddy. Congratulations to the future residents of Dickless Indicted Shitweasel Park, I guess.

Today we learned precisely how much North Korea fears and respects the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits; they actually presented him with a $2 million hospital bill when they returned then-comatose hostage Otto Warmbier to American custody in 2017. They’d never have dreamed of treating Obama that way, and if they pulled that shit on Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong-un would still be picking pieces of that bill out of his stool.

Franklin Graham became the latest fake Christian Trump pimp to attack Pete Buttigieg for his sexuality, and I know what I’m supposed to do now is list all the commandments and laws and biblical dietary restrictions the Emperor of Turdmaggots regularly violates, in order to demonstrate Graham’s hypocrisy. But there’s no hypocrisy, folks. Graham isn’t a Christian, he’s a high priest in a white supremacist hate cult, and he has been remarkably consistent in his beliefs over the course of his shitty little life. You could no more hope to shame Frankie with Bible verses than you could Mitch McConnell with videos of his own older, contradictory, statements. Why expect moral consistency from profoundly immoral men?

Lara Trump wandered out on television to muse that Germany’s biggest problem was that they weren’t white nationalist enough, and is there like, some sort of secret Racist Rich Idiot Trashbag dating site, where jagoffs like the Trump Boyz go to seek suitably deplorable mates?

And Diamond Joe Biden finally jumped into the Democratic primary race, with his potential opponent, a man who believes exercise is bad for you, insulting his intelligence. There’s only one way to resolve this controversy; I propose a series of umbrella-closing contests.

But another big victory in the war on voting rights, as the Republican gerrymander in Michigan went down in flames like Stephen Miller at a speed-dating party! Don’t you just love how I dump sixty pounds of shit on you every single post, but then I hand you a lollipop at the end, so you can walk away feelin’ good?

My friends, I love you all, and I am beyond grateful for the gift of your attention for these long-ass rants, but I’m checking out for the weekend. Whether it’s Avengers, or Game of Thrones, or just slipping a little dose of somethin’ hallucinogenic into your lemonade and staring the wallpaper as it shifts and morphs and tells you the meaning of life, do somethin’ that delights you this weekend; you’ve earned it!