Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s Tedious Tariff Tantrum
Hey, be careful out there, Resisters. 2019 just killed Doris Day, it’s trying to kill Jimmy Carter, and heaven knows who’s next. What I’m saying is, strap on a helmet and some galoshes, and break out the rubber umbrella, because the shitstorm shows no signs of abating any time soon.
Rudy Giuliani, perhaps feeling fidgety in the absence of any nearby cousins to copulate with, concocted a scheme worthy of a Pauly Shore movie, packing his bags to head to Ukraine, to get the incoming government there to help him ratfuck Joe Biden and maybe stage a wet t-shirt contest or something. In the end, he cancelled, because maybe the front page of the New York Times isn’t the ideal setting for Foreign Collusion 2: Treason Boogaloo.
Rudy’s basically the senile old man, shuffling around the antique mall, trying to pay for an old Pete Rose baseball card with the wad of used toothpicks that’s accumulated in his coat pocket, only the antique mall is the global diplomatic community, the Pete Rose card is dirt on Trump’s opponents, and the toothpicks are…probably still toothpicks, actually.
And of course Hairplug Himmler himself can hardly wait to order his personal manservent, excuse me, “the Attorney General of the United States, William Barr,” to open criminal investigations into Diamond Joe, cuz what’s the point of incumbency if you can’t transform your country’s law enforcement apparatus into a corrupt secret police force to oppress and terrorize your political opponents, amirite? AMIRITE? (Pause for laughter and/or weeping)
A natural consequence of building your political movement around anti-intellectualism is that, well, you push all the smart people away. That’s how 21st century conservatism wound up counting a mediocre troll-child like Ben Shapiro as a “thought leader.” “Wow, you can spew misinformation and hatred without gobs of chewing tobacco dribbling out of your mouth? In complete sentences n’ everything? HERE HAVE A TV SHOW AND A WEBSITE AND A STATUE ON RUSH LIMBAUGH’S LAWN.”
But Ben, who spends his days screeching DEBATE ME at every squirrel that skitters past his window, after the gentlest of pushback from British journalist Andrew Neil, melted down like a thin-skinned right-wing hack who was suddenly unmasked as an ordinary jackass hiding a subpar intellect behind malicious snark. Am I doing this metaphor thing right?
Mike Pence, whose life in politics has consisted entirely of seizing power in order to wield it against vulnerable populations he finds icky and/or inferior, during a graduation speech at a fundamentalist indoctrination camp, whinged about being ridiculed and shunned for being a Christian. This strikes me as odd, cuz Mikey Hairshirt is a great many things (a creep, a traitor, the Roman God of Middling White Dudes Failing Upwards), but “Christian” is certainly not one of them. What you are, Mr. Vice President, is a bigot who finds the veneer of religion convenient, because it absolves you of any responsibility for critical thinking or basic human compassion.
The Skeevy Little John Birch Kidz over at Turning Point USA just keep on having difficulties navigating that fine line between being a Wink Wink Hate Group and a Let’s-Burn-Some-Crosses Hate Group. They just had to kick a little white supremacist jagoff out for saying the quiet part (really) loud, gleefully going a racist rant on social media for all the world to see. Rather than taking steps to avoid attracting Junior Nazis in the future, expect TPU to implement rigorous plausible deniability training going forward, in search of the perfectly-pitched dog whistle.
Ahead of a (since-cancelled, apparently) trip to Moscow, Secretary of Stooge Mike Pompeo scrubbed a statement from his department’s website pertaining to the recent conviction of a number of Russians involved in a coup attempt in Montenegro, because we wouldn’t want to upset Daddy Vlad, now would we? I swear, watching our great nation’s top diplomat get so thoroughly cucked by a fading, fifth-rate, power is like watching Andre the Giant take orders from an uncharacteristically belligerent Jiminy Cricket.
Oh, and I guess Pompeo diverted to Brussels to try and stir up a little bloodlust for the Iran war thirsted after so desperately by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached To John Bolton’s upper lip, so that’ll be a fun thing to keep our eyes on for the next few weeks. What’s the age range for the draft, again?
Strike another name off the Shart House Xmas Card list (we’re down to just Hannity and Ivanka by now), as Don McGahn has been excommunicated for refusing to issue a statement supporting the laughable and rather-thoroughly-debunked bullshit spin that Weehands McNodick didn’t obstruct justice. I’m always fascinated to learn the precise location of the line these pathetic enablers finally draw in the sand. Like, remember when Gary Cohn shrugged his way through his boss praising white nationalists, but By God Sir, I Shall Not Abide These Tariffs?
Somehow the whole Sharknado of Bumbling Atrocity we’ve been struggling to survive these past three years came into perfect focus for me, with the story of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet cheating to beat a little kid at golf. That story should be tacked onto his name whenever it comes up, for the rest of recorded time. “President Trump, who cheated to beat a little kid at golf, signed a bill raising the debt ceiling today…” “Donald Trump, who was unable to out-golf a small child without cheating, reported to prison this morning…” The title of his biography should be “The President Who Wasn’t Man Enough to Play Fair When Golfing Against a Wee Little Boy.”
Hey, quick PRO TIP: If you’re a journalist who published an article about “President Crotchrot’s sassy new nickname for Candidate X,” you’re failing at journalism. And life. And no, I’m not linking that shite.
Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan can’t wait to piss away more of our tax dollars deploying military personnel at the border as part of Operation: Manbaby Ego Fluff, in case you’re wondering how that unqualified hack won his campaign to drop the “acting” from his title. Yeah, looking at Sharty McFly’s cabinet now, gone are the garish clowns of the first generation, replaced by blandly efficient sycophants, whose very drabness is designed to lull us into a sense of false normalcy while they quietly dismantle the country away from the headlines.
Some may fault the Sunny D-Bag for his lack of attention to problems such as the opioid crisis, but look, beyond the golfing and rage-tweeting at the magical teevee box six hours a day, he’s also personally taken charge of the D.C. Independence Day celebration, transforming the traditionally non-partisan event into the birthday party his Klansman dad never threw for him, thus inflicting the emotional scars the entire world is paying for today. So GET IN LINE, declining-Rust-Belt-communities-struggling-to-fight-off-mass-addiction! Your President will attend to you after finalizing plans for the four-story-tall butter sculpture of himself!
Hey, remember that crowdfunding effort to build Donnie Dotard’s Big Dumb Wall with private donations? The one run by the known con man? The one anybody with six ounces of mashed cauliflower between their ears could see was a scam? Well it turns out…it was a scam! And the KNOWN CON MAN behind it has been living large on Cult45’s money, even buying himself a yacht, look out, Betsy DeVos! Who could’ve seen this coming except everyone?
The true miracle of the right-wing media bubble is how even after grift after grift after grift, somehow the marks never wise up. Like, have you seen even one gun-humping mouth-breather denounce the NRA for funneling their donations straight to Wayne LaPierre’s shopping sprees? No, they just amble over to the next booth, checkbook lovingly extended for the next enterprising scammer to effortlessly harvest.
But the big story is once again the Manchurian Manchild’s Idiot Trade War, which is tanking the stock market, threatening thousands of jobs, and risking billions of dollars, all because the President of the United States is too stupid to understand how trade deficits work, and the founders, in their wisdom, declined to impose a literacy test on the office.
Even Larry Cudbrain, excuse me, “Kudlow,” had to admit, when pressed, that the burden of tariffs is borne by American businesses and consumers, probably because he couldn’t handle the humiliation of the economist version of an English teacher going on television to say “What’s the big deal about their, there, and they’re, anyway?”
So Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot raised a bunch of new tariffs, and the Chinese retaliated, and there are few million folks trapped in the middle, scrambling to replace their washing machines before the price hits ten thousand bucks.
And Tom Cotton helpfully told all the American farmers suffering under the self-inflicted wounds of this completely useless dumbfuck trade war, “hey, you’re better off than soldiers in war zones so QUIT YER BITCHING, YOU FILTHY TAKERS!” before shambling away to drown some puppies on his lunch break.
This is new Republican platform isn’t it? “Any standard of living higher than sleeping in a trench while you’re pelted with RPGs and mustard gas is a MOTHERFUCKING GIFT bestowed upon you by the Kochs and Mercers, in their benevolence, and you don’t even deserve that much, so shut your ungrateful fucking mouths, serfs!”
Oh, plus, with the tariffs swinging a giant cartoon wrecking ball right into the very nutsack of our agricultural economy, Shart Garfunkel is now begging for $15 billion in new farm bailouts, on top of the $12 billion he got last time. This funding will come from reversing some of his over-generous tax cuts on the Republican donor claHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH just kidding, YOU get to pay for it, pleb!
Hey look, the President of the United States is trying to get a Muslim Congresswoman killed by dishonestly distorting her words! Again! Or maybe I’m not being fair, maybe he’s just seizing an opportunity to stoke anti-Muslim bigotry in general, and if somebody gets killed, whatever. It’s less than ideal, having a President who’s better at stochastic terrorism than economic stewardship, in my humble opinion.
Why Cap, are you calling into question the sincerity of Dorito Mussolini’s defense of the Jewish people? How dare you! It’s not like he sent out his bullshit tweet only to turn around and immediately shower an anti-semitic European autocrat with praise!
No other American President would’ve given Viktor Orbán the legitimacy of a White House visit, let alone administered such a vigorous handjob for the cameras, but to be fair, platforming oppressive, anti-Democratic, dictators is one of the only things Fat Q*Bert does well. Look, we had a candidate who actually believed in American principles, but she had a private e-mail server, and we made our choice.
And we learned that Kirstjen Nielsen, despite her Kiddie Koncentration Kamps and campaign of terrorism against migrants, was somehow still not evil enough for Government Cheese Goebbels and his Demon Tapeworm sidekick, Stephen Miller, because she pushed back on a truly horrific plan to stage nationwide mass-arrests of undocumented immigrant families. Fuck, who’s he gonna pick to replace her at DHS? Negan? A monkey with Hitler’s brain? Kris Kobach?
That last story snuck up on me while I was writing, and…my God, we can’t take our eyes off these shitbags for a minute, can we? If you’ve eased up on your resistance since we flipped the House, my friend…we need you back in the fight.