Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The Turds of a Turd, and Other Most Unpleasant News
Well, I was hoping the turkey leftovers had gone bad, and maybe the gravy had fermented to the point where I was hallucinating all this madness, but then I remembered I had Thanksgiving at a friend’s place, so I don’t have any leftovers, meaning all this shit really happened. Fuck.
Redactor General William Barr has some advice for those uppity Black Lives Matter types: “you’ll take your police brutality and institutional white supremacy, and you’ll like it!” Yes, the most powerful law enforcement official in the country thinks that folks who don’t want to be harassed, or assaulted, or even killed by the very officers who are allegedly tasked with protecting them, are disrespectful and ungrateful, and probably undeserving of any police protection at all. Fucking hell. Who else is looking forward to swearing a loyalty oath as a precondition for dialing 911?
Well, Little Donnie Two-Scoops ran crying from the NATO summit in London, after video surfaced of world leaders mocking him for the sad, silly, oaf that he is, only to run face-first into Diamond Joe Biden’s merciless ad, which brutally reminds the American people that competence is still an option. Lord, even Boris frickin’ Johnson is laughing at us, and that clod couldn’t find his own dick with a map.
And the House Judiciary Committee’s impeachment hearings confirmed that President Crotchrot’s conduct in his Ukraine scheme is indeed 31 flavors of impeachable, on account of being all corrupt n’ illegal n’ shit. The GOP’s witness engaged in all the predictable partisan hackery, desperately contorting himself to manufacture some standard that condemned Bill Clinton yet exonerated the Candycorn Skidmark, even as journalists unearthed his past writings insisting Obama deserved to be impeached for using the correct forks at a multi-course meal, because such snobbish savvy is clearly unconstitutional. Anyway, the dude also wanted us to know that his dog is mad, and if I were a blithering jackass’ dog, I’d probably be mad, too. Shit on the carpet, Jonathan Turley’s Dog, America has your back.
In the midst of the hearing, Stanford professor Pamela Karlan stood up, chanted a satanic prayer, and drove a dagger into the chest of a voodoo doll in the shape of Barron Trump, or least that’s what I’m hearing from the right wing jagoffosphere. I suppose I should check out the actual footage, to see what Karlan actually said…
…wait, what? That’s it? Really? Y’all are wailing and moaning and storming the fucking castle over THAT? What, and I’m really asking here, is this pathetic addiction to victimhood consuming the conservative movement these days? You’re like needy children, begging for attention, bawling your eyes out over a lightly-scraped knee. Y’know, setting aside the corruption, the treason, and the plutocracy, I can’t imagine voting for such whiny-ass wusses.
And yes, with a detained migrant teen dying from neglect while in detention, and your utter silence on the tragedies inflicted on thousands of other innocent kids separated from their families and locked up in cages by your racist, hate-fueled regime, I’m gonna go ahead on call bullshit on your disingenuous WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN screeching.
Getting back to the hearings before I puke all over my shoes…Louie Gohmert, the man who is the reason there are warning labels about using toasters in the bathtub, briefly mocked the idea of obtaining a higher education at an elite institution, before spending the rest of the day trapped in a revolving door.
Louie’s malignant colleague, Duncan Hunter, got his felonious wrist slapped by the House Ethics Committee, for continuing to vote after pleading guilty to his many crimes. Maybe Duncan can form himself a little You’re Paying Us to Sit in the Back Row and Tell Each Other Racist Jokes Caucus with Steve King. UPDATE: no cruddy study buddy for Steve-O, Duncan is resigning to spend more time with his prison cell.
Matt Gaetz, jealously eyeing Gohmert’s “Dumbest Man in Congress” title, suggested maybe the committee was impeaching the wrong president, before leaving on a Da Vinci Code-esque quest to uncover the real truth about Millard Fillmore, all the shit the deep state fake news liberal media has been hiding from you sheeple. Maybe he can set up a YouTube channel and livestream his own slow death when he locks himself in an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room.
The Shitmaggot Administration announced new cuts to food stamps, kicking as many as 700,000 Americans off the program, because, and I’m not sure how this is still unclear to so many, REPUBLICANS HATE PEOPLE AND ONLY WANT THEM TO SUFFER.
Just announced from Marvel Studios: SUPER-VILLAIN TEAM-UP, starring George Zimmerman and Larry Klayman! Yes, the two worst human beings who’ve somehow not yet held jobs in the Trump administration are getting together to sue Trayvon Martin’s family, on the novel legal theory that you should not only be allowed to murder black children whenever you feel like it, but that the victim’s relatives should finance a life of luxury for you afterwards. If we ever get around to building that giant catapult, to launch Donald Trump in the sun, I have an idea for some test subjects.
So, Nancy Pelosi officially announced the House will indeed be impeaching the motherfucker, prompting a disgraced pervert hack, previously deemed too gross even for Fux Nooz, currently “reporting” for Sinclair, to suggest she was doing so just cuz she hates Hairplug Himmler personally, probably because she never gets invited to any of the cool parties where Jared Kushner auctions off highly-classified state secrets to the highest bidder. Nancy told the little creep precisely where he could stick that idea, and went back to work, passin’ historic legislation, because that is simply how she rolls.
Meanwhile Rudy Giuliani continues his Wine, Corruption, & You Wouldn’t Happen to Have Any Incest, Wouldja? tour of Ukraine, palling around with the skeeviest crooks in Eastern Europe, probably trying to forge anti-Biden evidence out of Play-Doh and Marmite. With Republicans already testing the feeble defense that it doesn’t count as a crime if you don’t get away with it, maybe Rudy-Roo’s plan is to insist you can’t impeach ’em if they never stop breaking the law? “You must gather all the evidence and you can’t possibly have it because I’ve got more crimez lined up for Thursday at 2:30 here check my day planner.”
Oh, and it turns out Donnie and Rudes have been conducting their blundering, Going-In-Style-only-treasonous international extortion scheme…using unsecured personal cellphones! I don’t know what the big deal is. I mean, the knock here is that Russia was probably listening in? So? Kid Kompromat already just passes that info along to Vlad willingly, along with the fruits of our entire intelligence-gathering apparatus, in his weekly report.
I’m still waiting to hear some outrage from Information Security Aficionado Trey Gowdy, unless he’s still trying to join the team DEFENDING these disloyal fuckwads in their efforts to hide their communications from the American people, and even Sharty McFly’s own staff. Gosh, you don’t think Gowdy Doody’s long public crusade against Hillary Clinton over her e-mail server was motivated by blind partisanship, do you?
Alleged Rational, Moderate, Republican Nikki Haley is mad as heck at Dylann Roof, because of the nine human beings he murdered in an act of white supremacist terror, JUST KIDDING she’s upset that he besmirched the honor of the Confederate Flag, which certainly never had anything to do with racism or hate before he came along and ruined it for everybody. Look, libtards, the Confederacy seceded because the mean ol’ North wanted to keep all the puppies and flowers and sugary breakfast cereals for themselves, that’s just science, Dinesh D’Souza told me so.
A Saudi national carried out a mass shooting on a Naval base in Pensacola, Florida, killing three, and the Offal in the Oval immediately turned his Twitter platform over to the Saudi government to spread their preferred messaging, and if you’re wondering why the President of the United States is quicker to leap at MBS’ whims than the American people’s needs, well, maybe we’ll get to see those tax returns some day.
The House passed a much-needed restoration of the Voting Rights Act, with just one teeny-tiny Republican vote, because Democracy is a partisan issue now, in Donald Trump’s fascism-curious Amerikkka, how fun. Look, if people are allowed to vote, then you’ve gotta start listening to them and doing the things they want, and when you’re a white supremacist hate cult that’s primarily in the business of cutting rich people’s taxes, popular input is an obstacle, and so here we are. Y’all are registered to vote next year, right?
After weeks of whining about not being allowed to participate in the impeachment process, the Shart House issued a petulant, crayon-scrawled, little note proclaiming that they are refusing to participate in the impeachment process, and, ignoring the shameless hypocrisy, honestly, it’s the best tactical decision they’ve made in months. I mean, they’re guilty as fuck and twice as stupid; the last time they tried defending themselves, Mick Mulvaney confessed to everything live on camera, and the time before that they signed off on an official document that inarguably proves the Manchurian Manchild’s guilt, so maybe just taping the boss’ mouth shut and trusting in the Senate GOP’s spinelessness is the right move here.
I guess now we have to talk about the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s turds, which are apparently such monstrous wads of under-chewed fast food as to thwart White House plumbing. Obviously, the real trouble here is that Donnie Dotard can’t operate the handle with his stunted, ineffectual, phalanges, but apparently he’s tasking the entire dang EPA with finding a solution. Anyway, it must be cool, being a Republican Senator, watching this dolt ramble like an over-medicated toddler about his unflushable poo logs, knowing you’ve lashed your reputation to his forever.
Fuck it, I’m done. I’m smashing my phone with a sledgehammer and leaving for the weekend. Like the engine of the Starship Enterprise, I cannae take anymore. Stay safe out there, Resisters.