Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
This Week in Hell: Head-Butts, Menstrual Spreadsheets, & Fireside Chats
I honestly can’t tell the difference anymore between reading the news and having a dozen evil clowns shriek directly into my ear while punching me in the temples. If it’s the clown thing, I apologize, but on the off chance that all this shit is really happening in real life, let’s get to chroniclin’.
Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified before Adam Schiff’s Impeachment Inquiry and Jug Band, delivering the most damaging testimony for Hairplug Himmler yet, which is particularly impressive, considering the doddering old bastard personally released a partial transcript confessing to Dagwood-sandwich-sized crimes.
Early leaks of Vindman’s testimony rattled Team Treasonweasel so badly they quickly deployed the only tactic in their scumbag quiver, dispatching the handful of pond scum surrogates still willing to lash their reputations to a sinking, rotten, disease-ridden, ship to slander the Purple Heart recipient as a deep state, NeverTrump, foreign spy who kicks puppies and actually knows how to tie a necktie like a grownup unlike REAL MURICANS who let that shit dangle down to the gawdamn shinbones.
CNN’s new MAGAjag contributor, Sean Duffy, drew that odious duty, and executed it with repulsive enthusiasm. Isn’t it cool that a malicious buffoon like Duffy can obtain spectacular wealth just by popping up on television now and then to blather nonsensically? It’s really not that different from being Pee Wee Herman, frankly, except rather than delighting an audience of children young enough to reasonably still believe in Santa Claus, Sean’s out there mugging for brainwashed idiots who think Hillary Clinton runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza joint. Oh, and they vote.
Aside from testifying that there was enough quid pro quo for six seasons and movie, Vindman also mentioned that the so-called “transcript” President Crotchvoid released was edited, and the full version did indeed, as we have long suspected, contain even MORE evidence n’ crimez n’ Burger King ketchup stains. They also cut a 10-minute long segment where Littlefinger demanded to know where Zelensky was hiding the giant Transformer robots, because he’d stayed up late watching cartoons, and he was terrified the limo he rides around in to avoid contact with the peasants would turn into a robot dude while he was still inside.
Oh, and a Shart House lawyer responded to various “hey, maybe the President shouldn’t be running our foreign policy like an extortion racket” complaints by hiding the Zelensky call on a private server and telling Vindman “snitches get stitches, so keep yer mouth shut,” probably out of abundant caution that the American people simply couldn’t handle the blinding purity of such a perfect call.
Another witness, fellah by the name of Tim Morrison, says yes there was quid pro quo, but he personally thinks it wasn’t illegal. Now, that’s not really up to Tim, and he’s 31 flavors of wrong, but it’s good enough for Gym Jordan and his gang of feral enablers.
Much to my surprise, Devin Nunes’ staff isn’t made up solely of pigs he’s fucking; there’s also Kashyap Patel, who gained Sharty McFly’s ear on Ukraine policy not by being, as he represented himself, an experienced Ukraine expert, but because he told the doddering old twit exactly what he wanted to hear. Suddenly, I’m thinking of breaking away from a White House tour, sneaking into the Oval, telling him I’m the Ghost of Xmas Future, and that if he resigns, Ivanka will finally fuck him.
And House Democrats voted on rules for the coming Impeachment Hearings and Treasonous Twatwaffle Dunk Tank Faire, including public hearings, to the chagrin of Republicans, who had been demanding….um…clearly-stated rules and public hearings. It’s not only wanting to have your cake and eat it, too, but also demanding pie, and Skittles, and Beef Wellington, and a pony, and by the way how dare you suggest I ever asked for cake? Look, Republican voters don’t WANT representatives who behave rationally, and we should just accept that.
Needless to say, the Cruise Ship Magician Goalpost Sleight of Hand continues, because Republicans know they’re utterly fucked on the facts of the case. The play seems to be “none of the testimony given so far counts, and we must throw it all out because…look, because we really really want to.” It’s almost adorable, in a wannabe-fascist kinda way, like Care Bears with little Hitler mustaches.
So the NCAA announced some fairly mild rule changes, finally allowing student athletes to profit from their own names, images, and likenesses, and North Carolina Senator Richard Burr’s version of a Spidey Sense, which tingles whenever any minority-heavy group (like, say, college athletes) threatens to break through the barriers of institutional white supremacy to achieve financial independence, went off. Dickie won’t lift a finger to shut down the concentration camps, but he’s right on top of this “under-taxed non-white young people” problem suddenly plaguing the nation.
I almost hesitate to bring this up, it’s so Normal and Ordinary, but the Missouri state health director, a Republican appointee (as if you need to be told that), keeps himself a little spreadsheet, tracking the menstrual periods of patients at the Show-Me State’s last remaining Planned Parenthood clinic. Yup. Typical, boring, everyday stuff. Why, I bet you checked the Menstrual-Cycles-of-Women-I’ve-Never-Met app on your phone six or seven times just since you started reading this blog post.
The annual growth rate reported for the third quarter was only 1.9%, well below the Velveeta Vulgarian’s grandiose promises. While we’re on that little topic, we should mention that he’s also breaking other promises, for example to lower prescription drug prices, and to support popular, common-sense, gun control measures. I’m sure we’ll get a check from Mexico for that wall any day now, though.
Turns out Republican political operatives, potentially all the way up to the NRCC, were involved in the plot to destroy Congresswoman Katie Hill’s career with revenge porn provided by her dirtbag loser ex. Obviously the only missing ingredient in this sordid turd-and-tapeworm stew was little Georgie Papaderpaderp, whose delusions of adequacy are apparently pushing him towards running for Hill’s seat.
…I guess it’s nice to have some comic relief on the schedue, if only to break up the monotony of incompetence and atrocity. Speaking of which, Roger Stone’s trial starts next week. Heh.
Did you see where there are now 400,000 more uninsured children in the U.S. than there were when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot first took office? See, this is what the Republican Party is REALLY all about: if you filthy taker plebe kids wanted health insurance, you should’ve had the good sense to pop out of some rich lady’s vagina, sucks to be you, stop breathing all the job-creators’ air, now that we’re thinking about it get a job you bum, no we won’t pay a living wage, we’ll just under-compensate you while we steal the best years of your life and once your labor isn’t useful to our donor class anymore, piss on ya, please have the decency to die quickly, quietly, and somewhere out of sight.
With stats like these, you understand why Donnie Dotard has resorted to outright lying about the monthly jobs numbers, don’t you?
Michele Bachmann says, of her Turd Emperor, “We have not seen a president with greater moral clarity than this president.” I mean, you see where she’s coming from. Lincoln freed the slaves, but only Trump could charge the Secret Service to pee. I guess those hundreds of thousands of uninsured kids and all the newly-released ISIS prisoners are aspects of all that “moral clarity.” Ok, obviously I’m not really arguing in good faith here, I think we all understand that what Michele means is “Donald Trump is a faux evangelical white supremacist, and as a faux evangelical white supremacist, I like that.”
Speaking of white supremacists (smooth, if tragic, segue, Cap) the VeryFine Administration has apparently been flirting with an elaborate, Rube Goldberg, bit of procedural Twister to install MegaRacist Scrotum Rash Ken Cuccinelli (who you may remember as the guy who yelled at the Statue of Liberty for not being hateful enough) as Acting DHS Secretary. It would be awesome if Senate Republicans opposed the Cooch because he’s a hate-driven racist monster, but if they want to keep him away from immense political power mostly because he’s also a great big doo-doo-headed jerk, well, I’ll take my victories where I can find ‘em these days.
There’s a fun little article in Politico about how Fat Q*Bert gets to bribe Republican Senators, aka His Impeachment Jury, by tapping his Rube Army for that sweet, sweet, campaign donation cash. What a great system we’ve got here, huh?
So, the personal attorney to the President of the United States, while serving as his cybersecurity advisor, apparently, as recently as 2017, had to go the Apple Store because he locked his befuddled ass out of his own fucking iPhone. Also, he fucked his cousin. Anyway, something something something The Best People.
While we’re laughing at major conservative figures over mistakes that would make them the laughingstock of any fourth grade playground, let’s point and giggle at Ann Coulter, for her snarling, imperious, insistence that the good people of Hawaii have such shitty judgement that they made Tulsi Fucking Gabbard a U.S. Senator*. Have you ever noticed that white supremacists tend to be kinda…subpar?
Hey, welcome to the Resistance, Mike Pompeo! The State Department, after some empty posturing about refusing to cooperate, will indeed be turning over documents relating to Cousin Rudy’s Excellent Ukrainian Ratfucking Adventure and other bits of potential diplomatic shitbaggery. No word at this time if this document dump will include text messages between career officials asking WHAT THE LIVING SHIT IS THIS COUSIN-FUCKING MORON DOING?!?!? or not.
The Republican Party of Minnesota isn’t like those other cowardly state GOPs, cancelling their 2020 primaries just to placate their Turd Emperor’s fragile ego, oh no! They’re having a primary, they’re just not allowing any other names on the ballot. Quake in terror of the mighty Mark Sanford, kids!
Alaska GOP Congressweirdo Don Young wasn’t in the mood to answer questions today, so he just head-butted a journalist’s camera instead. Just thought I’d mention that.
Well, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk is packing up the entire Crook Family Robinshart and movin’ down to sunny Florida! Smarter folks than yer humble drunken blogger speculate the move is designed to dodge even more taxes, because where’s the fun in bilking the U.S. treasury out of millions of dollars if you’ve just got to turn around and give some of it back? And of course this is just one more desperate contortion to keep those naughty tax returns out of sight; the man’s piss hooker budget must be truly obscene.
Republicans may not mind that President Gas Station Urinal Cake is holding the door open for every foreign nation and probably a few alien planets (Hey Venusians! Got any dirt on Hunter Biden?) to interfere in American elections, but boy howdy, they’re pissed off that Congresswoman Katie Porter dressed up as Batgirl for Halloween. Personally I’d like a written list of conservative priorities, in order. Does “superhero costume” fall somewhere between “tan suit” and “open treason,” or is it a more serious offense, like “use private e-mail unless you’re Trump’s children. Or Wilbur Ross. Or Stephen Miller. Or Reince Priebus. Or fuck it, I’ve got to end this paragraph sometime, but you get the picture.”
But slow your roll, Resisters! The Very Stable Genius has outmaneuvered us once again, and the impeachment battle is over before it even begins! Yes, with his brilliant plan to address the American people directly, and read the (doctored) “transcript” of his call with President Zelensky in a sort of “fireside chat,” he’s simply got us outflanked, with his sublime “confess over and over again” strategy.
Hey friends, the ACA’s open enrollment period started today. The Die Serfs Die Administration has slashed, and re-slashed, outreach funding, because they don’t want Americans to have the health insurance they’re legally entitled to (yeah, I think it’s weird, too), so we’ve gotta step up and fill that void. Use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!
Fuck, I’m worn out. To make matters worse, the internet went down in my apartment this afternoon, so I wrote this at a Starbucks, where they don’t sell, or it turns out, even ALLOW beer. Whose stupid motherfucking idea was THAT?
*Ok, so there aren’t a lot of playgrounds where you get bullied for insufficient knowledge of the makeup of the U.S. Senate, BUT MAYBE THERE SHOULD BE.