Shower Cap

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A true American monster.

Barr, like Trump, understands a return to the rule of law means he’ll spend the rest of his life in prison, and there’s nothing he won’t destroy to avoid that outcome.
https://t.co/AzXS1oyfuv



WHY ARE YOU STILL TOUCHING THE STOVE? DOES YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WORK? https://t.co/cOCf7pazS0



Give Trump and McConnell four more years of court-packing, we won’t have rulings like this: https://t.co/THpok1Lpqn

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

This Week’s News Has Been All Coronavirus and Buttholes, & I Am Very Tired

Friday, May 22nd, 2020

 

Well, it was nice out today, so I got to write on the back porch, which is 15 feet from my bedroom, instead of in the living room, which is 10 feet from my bedroom, so it’s been pretty fucking thrilling over here, I may need to take some sort of rest cure to calm my nerves after all this excitement. Anyway, let’s see what exotic delights the news had in store for us this week…

Weehands McNodick is a man of many fears. Powerful women. The truth about his (lack of) personal wealth becoming public. Stairs. But nothing, absolutely nothing sends beads of terror sweat running through his sherbet-tinged cake makeup as the thought of the American people voting in a free and fair election this November. Which is why he threw a tiny tyrant tantrum, threatening to withhold coronavirus aid from Michigan and Nevada over their expansion of mail-in voting, because Republicans want to make it difficult, even deadly, for us to exercise our right to fire their corrupt asses. Terrorizing swing state voters during a pandemic is some super-advanced campaign tactic that I’m just too slow and simple to understand, probably.

(The frosting on this particular cupcake was that Michigan had already received the aid in question, so Fat Q*Bert was basically trying to menacingly brandish a Wiffle bat.)

Bad news for the Bill Kristols of the world, with their dreams of restoring the GOP to the more civilized time when the rabid mob knew their place and the party served the whims of wealthy white dudes who gathered in drawing rooms to smoke cigars, drink brandy, and chuckle politely at racist jokes; the Oregon Republican Senate primary has been won by Jo Rae Perkins , a card-carrying Qnatic, not that they carry cards, maybe handkerchiefs soaked in pigeon blood and their own frothy excretions, who the fuck knows what these deeply insane people carry THE POINT IS one of them is a fucking Senate nominee now. Her campaign tried to walk back her pledge of allegiance to the terrorism-linked dipshit cult, but no, Jo Rae wanted it known that she is indeed nuttier than squirrel poop, and will not, if elected, behave like a rational human being. Anyway, my condolences, Bill, and fuck you for your role in all this.

Anyhow, our once and future foes, the charming NeverTrump assholes over at the Lincoln Project, released a new ad, taunting Tangerine Idi Amin for the way campaign manager/fecal remora Brad Parscale has latched onto his ass and engorged himself on the scraps from the no-doubt-overflowing-with-cold-cheeseburgers-and-stale-french-fries table. I dunno, fellas, is there even any more room under that spraytan-lotion-saturated skin?

Lindsey Graham is, of course, an absolutely wretched Senator, having betrayed his every oath and principle, but in his role as the Candycorn Skidmark’s loyal authoritarian lapdog, one could plausibly argue he is a Very Good Boy. Certainly he deserves at least a treat and a lil’ scratch behind the ears for preparing the Senate Judiciary Committee to harass who knows how many totally innocent people in order to help “Obamagate” grow from a silly hashtag into a full-blown silly conspiracy theory. Awwww…who’s destroying American democracy for a cheap gangster? YOU are, Lindsey, YOU are!

Still, there looks to be some competition for that coveted spot at the foot of Donnie Dotard’s bed, as Wealthy Wisconsin Thumb-in-a-Wig Ron Johnson is already abusing the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs gavel to pass out subpoenas related to that long-ago debunked Burisma nonsense. Maybe these clowns can exhume J. Caleb Boggs, ask him what failed tactics he deployed when Smilin’ Joe Biden beat his ass in his first Senate race back in 1972.

Getting back to Obamagate for a moment, it turns out Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn’s was never actually masked in the transcripts in question in the first place, so we know he’s still a shitty little traitor, he’s just not the Hamburgler. Obamagate sure is fake as fuck though.

The always-classy Turdmaggot Administration decided to tell the brave servicepeople of the National Guard, “Hey, thanks so much for risking your lives during the whole ‘pandemic’ thing, as a reward, we’re cutting off your deployments exactly one day before you’d become eligible for retirement benefits, MAGA!” I find it’s kinda fun to imagine the riotous laughter from the rank-and-file armed forces if he tried to pull a military coup to stay in power.

And President Gas Station Urinal Cake pulled the United States out of the Open Skies Treaty, because hey, he’s on the clock, and there’re only a few months left to fuck up America as much as possible. Dumbass imagines he’s gonna negotiate a better deal, apparently having failed to notice that despite dozens of such promises, he hasn’t successfully negotiated shit in 3 1/2 years COUGHCOUGHNORTHKOREA.

Transportation Secretary/Testudine Bride Elaine Chao thought it was unfair that her department was still saddled with an independent inspector general when all the other capos, excuse me, “cabinet secretaries” got loyal stooges. Strawberry Shartcake figured there’s always room for one more during a good purge, and thus yet another investigation into yet another corrupt official disappears into thin air. Serving in the Turdworm Administration may require the sacrifice of all dignity and decency, but you have to admit, the benefits package is excellent.

Well looka here, it appears that just as Kelly Loeffler’s insider trading scandal was frolicking through the nation’s headlines, her wannabe oligarch husband made a big fat donation to a pro-Crotchrash super PAC, what an odd coincidence! Pretty awesome that you can apparently buy your way into the U.S. Senate, use your perch to corruptly enrich yourself further, and then dole out a share of your illicit gains to buy your way out of trouble. That’s a really good system sure to produce good governance, don’tcha think?

Lately we’ve been so focused on the importance of defeating Donald Trump because he is murderously incompetent that we’ve forgotten about the importance of defeating Donald Trump because he’s a white supremacist piece of shit, but the Shartcannon himself provided us a helpful reminder, musing on the superior “bloodlines” of famed anti-Semite Henry Ford, who I believe had something to do with automobiles in addition to all the Nazi sympathizing. This reminds me that Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops firmly believes his own genetics to be superior, in spite of his lifetime of failure, brain so feeble as to be thwarted by umbrellas, and silly little butthole mouth. Your genes are trash, old man. Look at your devolved fucking sons.

I see Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo has been jetting around the world on the taxpayer dime, courting Republijag donors ahead of a planned future run to reinstall treason and mendacity in the White House after four years of Joe Biden steam-cleaning the joint. It’s actually kind of adorable that Mikey imagines people will vote for a snarling, charisma-free lump of petty resentments. You’re Trump without the razzle-dazzle, bro, which makes you nothing but the kind of creepy old dude people ask to stay away from parks where children hang out.

Fun little deep dive in the Failing New York Times about how difficult it is to give the Adderall-Addled Assclown his intelligence briefings on account of how he’s a fucking moron. I particularly enjoyed the part where he tells experienced professionals with access to the most sophisticated intelligence-gathering operation in history to piss off because he heard something different from a retired golfer. In hindsight, it’s kind of a shame he didn’t know any retired golfers who thought letting a virus spread unimpeded for weeks while doing fucking nothing at all was a bad idea.

The Velveeta Vulgarian picked a Twitter fight with Michigan’s Governor, Attorney General, and Secretary of State, because he is a cripplingly insecure manchild who is terrified of intelligent, powerful, women, and then proceeded to rapidly lose that fight in humiliating fashion, because he is an idiot who does not brain good.

Yet another study reveals Shart Garfunkel’s favorite snake oil, hydroxychloroquine, to be less of a “cure for coronavirus” than a “thing that will kill you if you take it to treat coronavirus.” Now, the rule of threes very clearly states that, after this one and BleachIsPartOfABalancedDietGate, Littlefinger will offer up one final moronically lethal solution to his devoted cult before the pandemic passes. Like, “swallow broken glass in order to make a little bottle in your tummy where you can trap the virus,” probably.

Well, Team Shart has a brand new turd blossom, as Ratfucker Sellout Karl Rove is now apparently advising the Committee to Re-elect the Taintfungus, because they keep a very powerful butthole-attracting magnet in the office, I assume. Seriously, there are hotdog factories with fewer buttholes than that campaign.

And now Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, desperate to stop the polling hemorrhaging brought on by his catastrophic covid fuckups, wants to overrule governors and reopen houses of worship right away, public safety be damned. Attempted authoritarian power grab notwithstanding, it is certainly a novel strategy to head down the stretch towards November pursuing policies that will disproportionately kill off large numbers of your own political base. Like, when Jim Jones passed out the Kool-Aid, he didn’t expect the crew to keep doing his yard work afterwards.

I see Substitute Sarah Slanders Kayleigh McEnany gave away her shitsack boss’ bank account and routing numbers on live television this afternoon. Somebody should make a movie and call it “Idiocracy” or something.

Yeah, we’re havin’ a normal one, as the kids say. I guess it’s a three day weekend coming up, assuming time still matters at all, which I personally cannot vouch for. Anyway, coming in 2021 will be the SNYDER CUT of this blog post. It’s going to be much longer, and, y’know, awful. 

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



A true American monster.

Barr, like Trump, understands a return to the rule of law means he’ll spend the rest of his life in prison, and there’s nothing he won’t destroy to avoid that outcome.
https://t.co/AzXS1oyfuv



WHY ARE YOU STILL TOUCHING THE STOVE? DOES YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WORK? https://t.co/cOCf7pazS0



Give Trump and McConnell four more years of court-packing, we won’t have rulings like this: https://t.co/THpok1Lpqn

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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