Well, things’ve been kinda rough lately, I won’t deny it. So I asked the orderly to loosen my straitjacket a little and maybe throw some hallucinogens in with my regular meds, and now I figure I’m good for at least another six weeks of quarantine, here in the Unitedish States of Asylum. Enough prologue! The news awaits!

So I think we’re on Friday Night Massacre IV: Massacre in Space! by now, as the Adderall-Addled Assclown decided that the State Department inspector general was getting a little too close to revealing Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo’s many misdeeds, and once again, nice work to whoever wrote the law allowing the crooks to fire the cops, that was some A+ thinking, pal. Anyway, seems our resident theocrat has been engaging in a wide range of criminal activities, from the petty (forcing staff to run personal errands) to the global (billions in illegal arms sales to the journalist-dismembering Saudi regime). In addition, had the IG been given time to properly investigate the Case of Who Keeps Microwaving Fish in the Foggy Bottom Break Room, well, I think we all know how that one would’ve turned out.

The fetid, oozing, pustules that pass for genes in the Trump family have been on full display lately, through the contemptible antics of President Crotchrot’s dirtbag sons. Turdwaffle, Jr. decided it would be fun to accuse Joe “Frontrunner” Biden of being a pedophile, before passing a jolly evening flipping through old photo albums of his scumfuck father partying with Jeffrey Epstein. Meanwhile, Eric mouth-shat some drivel about the coronavirus being a Democratic “hoax” designed to cheat Daddy of his precious Klan rallies, and heck, maybe just this once we should give the kid what he wants for Xmas, if only to compensate for the loveless childhood and malfunctioning brain.

Alaska Republican state rep Ben Carpenter isn’t the sort of fellow who’ll let others crap all over a departed third party who can’t even defend himself, which is why he apparently felt the need to ride gallantly to the rescue of…Adolph Hitler. “People want to say Hitler was a white supremacist. No!” protested Carpenter, as though the shitbag behind the Holocaust might be getting an unfair bad rap. Now, I’m not usually the advice-giving type, but lemme just say this: if you’re ever tempted to stand up for Hitler, you should not do that. Actually, that’s not quite right. If you’re ever tempted to stand up for Hitler, find the nearest public restroom, open all the stalls until you find the nastiest unflushed toilet in the joint, and stick your head in it until you drown. Just my two cents.

Trumpism is all about fooling some of the people all of the time, and thus, various Republijags waddled out onto the Sunday Shoz to enthusiastically regurgitate long-ago debunked propaganda, hoping that there are once again juuuust enough dipshit rubes in the Rust Belt to plunge America into four long years of corruption, failure, and hate. Ron Johnson proclaimed the entire Russia scandal to be the fakest of nooz, and I’m proud to say I am not yet so numb to the past few years’ atrocities that it isn’t still shocking to me, watching a sitting Senator side with a hostile foreign power that attacked the United States.

And Alex Azar no doubt scored some points with his Farthuffin’ Fascist boss, blaming the disproportionately African-American victims of COVID-19 for their own deaths, probably because there’s a cat poster in the room where the Cabinet meets that says, “Never forget: there’s ALWAYS a way to make shit racister, kids!” Peter Navarro claimed Hunter Biden got a billion dollars from the Chinese government, but asked if they could give it to him in dead babies instead of cash. Wilbur Ross says he saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. These people are clowns.

Bilious Billy Barr may be on the hot seat after announcing he doesn’t see himself giving in to the inevitable wave of LOCK HIM UP chants targeting the 44th and 46th Presidents of the United States, Barack Obama and Smilin’ Joe Biden. The Redactor General went to say that “the criminal justice system will not be used for partisan political ends” on his watch, a statement which our fact checkers rated HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU’RE SHITTING ME HE REALLY SAID THAT? AND DIDN’T GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!!

Speaking of Obama, he gave a lovely, uplifting graduation speech last weekend, a much-needed breath of decency and inspiration for these dark days. Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse delivered a sort of unofficial Republican response, and it was…yikes, awwwwwkward. Sasse, whose desire to be president himself someday has, like most of his Republican colleagues, led to a total abandonment of all pre-existing principles in this Age of Shart, decided to take his inner dotard out for a test drive, with an eye on inheriting Cult45 from its current Turd Emperor somewhere down the line. Watching once-dignified conservative officials clumsily attempt to reinvent themselves as shitty insult comics will be amusing in days to come, anyhow.

My my my, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp sure is a tricksy one, isn’t he? Having already used every voter suppression tactic in the bag to slither into office in the first place, now he’s figured out a skeezy little scam to steal a seat on the state Supreme Court for a couple of years, without having to worry about what those pesky voters want. And hey, in two years, there might not be an electorate in Georgia, since Kemp and co. have also been doctoring coronavirus numbers in their effort to trick their constituents into sacrificing themselves for the economy. Don’t enter into any real estate partnerships with Brian Kemp, is all I’m saying.

Unsatisfied with the death toll (rolling steadily along towards a gruesome 100,000 now) bought with his incomligence*, the Velveeta Vulgarian returned to an old favorite, pimping the ineffective-and-indeed-dangerous malaria drug hydroxychloroquine as a COVID cure-all, claiming he washes one down every day with his morning glass of Lysol. Nancy Pelosi reminded him that, due to his age and general fatfuckitude, he is particularly at risk for the drug’s potentially lethal side effects, and America was all, “that was a sick burn, Nancy, but shhhhhhh let the bastard poison himself!”

And yes, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot is still throwing tantrums at the World Heath Organization, threatening to permanently pull U.S. funding (adorable that he thinks he can do anything “permanently,” isn’t it?), because he wants a target to blame, as political cover for his murderous bungling, more than he wants a vaccine that would save millions of lives. In hindsight, I don’t think that private e-mail server was as big a deal as it was made out to be, y’know?

The Manchurian Manchild is so pathetic, so insecure, so utterly, infinitesimally small, that he has hired Russia hookers to piss on 40 years of tradition, refusing to host a ceremony unveiling his predecessor’s official presidential portrait. In fairness, if I were a pudding-brained, butthole-mouthed, tiny-fisted, turd-gargling lout like Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jesus, I suck.”), I probably wouldn’t welcome the side-by-side comparison with a much better man either. When the time comes, I assume Diamond Joe will be gracious enough to display Littlefinger’s likeness, which I anticipate will be finger-painted by an imprisoned white supremacist working in the medium of his own smeared feces, inside the White House’s most presidential dumpster.

Well, Comrades, our years of sinister planning have finally paid off, and Operation: Jade Helm 2 – Spud Hawk Down is a GO! Though Hairplug Himmler has finally uncovered our dastardly plot to storm Virginia’s newly-unguarded potato fields, it shall avail him naught, for Agent Ralph Northam has successfully stolen the second amendment and disarmed the once-formidable Tuber Militias BWAH HAH HAH!

The Shart Administration declassified an old Susan Rice memo proving once again that “Obamagate” was just the previous administration behaving rationally, legally, and appropriately, which I guess must seem scandalous to a crooked cabal that spends its days trying to steal anything that’s not nailed down. “My god, they actually tried to serve the PEOPLE rather than themselves,” said Steve Mnuchin in a hushed whisper, as Ben Carson fainted in disbelief.

Ok friends, that’s all I got. I know it isn’t necessary to say this, but don’t swallow anything poisonous, no matter what the most powerful people in the world say. Stay safe, Resisters. (Seriously, don’t drink poison. Bye!)

*That’s “incompetence” plus “negligence.” My blog, my rules.