Well, it was nice out today, so I got to write on the back porch, which is 15 feet from my bedroom, instead of in the living room, which is 10 feet from my bedroom, so it’s been pretty fucking thrilling over here, I may need to take some sort of rest cure to calm my nerves after all this excitement. Anyway, let’s see what exotic delights the news had in store for us this week…

Weehands McNodick is a man of many fears. Powerful women. The truth about his (lack of) personal wealth becoming public. Stairs. But nothing, absolutely nothing sends beads of terror sweat running through his sherbet-tinged cake makeup as the thought of the American people voting in a free and fair election this November. Which is why he threw a tiny tyrant tantrum, threatening to withhold coronavirus aid from Michigan and Nevada over their expansion of mail-in voting, because Republicans want to make it difficult, even deadly, for us to exercise our right to fire their corrupt asses. Terrorizing swing state voters during a pandemic is some super-advanced campaign tactic that I’m just too slow and simple to understand, probably.

(The frosting on this particular cupcake was that Michigan had already received the aid in question, so Fat Q*Bert was basically trying to menacingly brandish a Wiffle bat.)

Bad news for the Bill Kristols of the world, with their dreams of restoring the GOP to the more civilized time when the rabid mob knew their place and the party served the whims of wealthy white dudes who gathered in drawing rooms to smoke cigars, drink brandy, and chuckle politely at racist jokes; the Oregon Republican Senate primary has been won by Jo Rae Perkins , a card-carrying Qnatic, not that they carry cards, maybe handkerchiefs soaked in pigeon blood and their own frothy excretions, who the fuck knows what these deeply insane people carry THE POINT IS one of them is a fucking Senate nominee now. Her campaign tried to walk back her pledge of allegiance to the terrorism-linked dipshit cult, but no, Jo Rae wanted it known that she is indeed nuttier than squirrel poop, and will not, if elected, behave like a rational human being. Anyway, my condolences, Bill, and fuck you for your role in all this.

Anyhow, our once and future foes, the charming NeverTrump assholes over at the Lincoln Project, released a new ad, taunting Tangerine Idi Amin for the way campaign manager/fecal remora Brad Parscale has latched onto his ass and engorged himself on the scraps from the no-doubt-overflowing-with-cold-cheeseburgers-and-stale-french-fries table. I dunno, fellas, is there even any more room under that spraytan-lotion-saturated skin?

Lindsey Graham is, of course, an absolutely wretched Senator, having betrayed his every oath and principle, but in his role as the Candycorn Skidmark’s loyal authoritarian lapdog, one could plausibly argue he is a Very Good Boy. Certainly he deserves at least a treat and a lil’ scratch behind the ears for preparing the Senate Judiciary Committee to harass who knows how many totally innocent people in order to help “Obamagate” grow from a silly hashtag into a full-blown silly conspiracy theory. Awwww…who’s destroying American democracy for a cheap gangster? YOU are, Lindsey, YOU are!

Still, there looks to be some competition for that coveted spot at the foot of Donnie Dotard’s bed, as Wealthy Wisconsin Thumb-in-a-Wig Ron Johnson is already abusing the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs gavel to pass out subpoenas related to that long-ago debunked Burisma nonsense. Maybe these clowns can exhume J. Caleb Boggs, ask him what failed tactics he deployed when Smilin’ Joe Biden beat his ass in his first Senate race back in 1972.

Getting back to Obamagate for a moment, it turns out Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn’s was never actually masked in the transcripts in question in the first place, so we know he’s still a shitty little traitor, he’s just not the Hamburgler. Obamagate sure is fake as fuck though.

The always-classy Turdmaggot Administration decided to tell the brave servicepeople of the National Guard, “Hey, thanks so much for risking your lives during the whole ‘pandemic’ thing, as a reward, we’re cutting off your deployments exactly one day before you’d become eligible for retirement benefits, MAGA!” I find it’s kinda fun to imagine the riotous laughter from the rank-and-file armed forces if he tried to pull a military coup to stay in power.

And President Gas Station Urinal Cake pulled the United States out of the Open Skies Treaty, because hey, he’s on the clock, and there’re only a few months left to fuck up America as much as possible. Dumbass imagines he’s gonna negotiate a better deal, apparently having failed to notice that despite dozens of such promises, he hasn’t successfully negotiated shit in 3 1/2 years COUGHCOUGHNORTHKOREA.

Transportation Secretary/Testudine Bride Elaine Chao thought it was unfair that her department was still saddled with an independent inspector general when all the other capos, excuse me, “cabinet secretaries” got loyal stooges. Strawberry Shartcake figured there’s always room for one more during a good purge, and thus yet another investigation into yet another corrupt official disappears into thin air. Serving in the Turdworm Administration may require the sacrifice of all dignity and decency, but you have to admit, the benefits package is excellent.

Well looka here, it appears that just as Kelly Loeffler’s insider trading scandal was frolicking through the nation’s headlines, her wannabe oligarch husband made a big fat donation to a pro-Crotchrash super PAC, what an odd coincidence! Pretty awesome that you can apparently buy your way into the U.S. Senate, use your perch to corruptly enrich yourself further, and then dole out a share of your illicit gains to buy your way out of trouble. That’s a really good system sure to produce good governance, don’tcha think?

Lately we’ve been so focused on the importance of defeating Donald Trump because he is murderously incompetent that we’ve forgotten about the importance of defeating Donald Trump because he’s a white supremacist piece of shit, but the Shartcannon himself provided us a helpful reminder, musing on the superior “bloodlines” of famed anti-Semite Henry Ford, who I believe had something to do with automobiles in addition to all the Nazi sympathizing. This reminds me that Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops firmly believes his own genetics to be superior, in spite of his lifetime of failure, brain so feeble as to be thwarted by umbrellas, and silly little butthole mouth. Your genes are trash, old man. Look at your devolved fucking sons.

I see Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo has been jetting around the world on the taxpayer dime, courting Republijag donors ahead of a planned future run to reinstall treason and mendacity in the White House after four years of Joe Biden steam-cleaning the joint. It’s actually kind of adorable that Mikey imagines people will vote for a snarling, charisma-free lump of petty resentments. You’re Trump without the razzle-dazzle, bro, which makes you nothing but the kind of creepy old dude people ask to stay away from parks where children hang out.

Fun little deep dive in the Failing New York Times about how difficult it is to give the Adderall-Addled Assclown his intelligence briefings on account of how he’s a fucking moron. I particularly enjoyed the part where he tells experienced professionals with access to the most sophisticated intelligence-gathering operation in history to piss off because he heard something different from a retired golfer. In hindsight, it’s kind of a shame he didn’t know any retired golfers who thought letting a virus spread unimpeded for weeks while doing fucking nothing at all was a bad idea.

The Velveeta Vulgarian picked a Twitter fight with Michigan’s Governor, Attorney General, and Secretary of State, because he is a cripplingly insecure manchild who is terrified of intelligent, powerful, women, and then proceeded to rapidly lose that fight in humiliating fashion, because he is an idiot who does not brain good.

Yet another study reveals Shart Garfunkel’s favorite snake oil, hydroxychloroquine, to be less of a “cure for coronavirus” than a “thing that will kill you if you take it to treat coronavirus.” Now, the rule of threes very clearly states that, after this one and BleachIsPartOfABalancedDietGate, Littlefinger will offer up one final moronically lethal solution to his devoted cult before the pandemic passes. Like, “swallow broken glass in order to make a little bottle in your tummy where you can trap the virus,” probably.

Well, Team Shart has a brand new turd blossom, as Ratfucker Sellout Karl Rove is now apparently advising the Committee to Re-elect the Taintfungus, because they keep a very powerful butthole-attracting magnet in the office, I assume. Seriously, there are hotdog factories with fewer buttholes than that campaign.

And now Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, desperate to stop the polling hemorrhaging brought on by his catastrophic covid fuckups, wants to overrule governors and reopen houses of worship right away, public safety be damned. Attempted authoritarian power grab notwithstanding, it is certainly a novel strategy to head down the stretch towards November pursuing policies that will disproportionately kill off large numbers of your own political base. Like, when Jim Jones passed out the Kool-Aid, he didn’t expect the crew to keep doing his yard work afterwards.

I see Substitute Sarah Slanders Kayleigh McEnany gave away her shitsack boss’ bank account and routing numbers on live television this afternoon. Somebody should make a movie and call it “Idiocracy” or something.

Yeah, we’re havin’ a normal one, as the kids say. I guess it’s a three day weekend coming up, assuming time still matters at all, which I personally cannot vouch for. Anyway, coming in 2021 will be the SNYDER CUT of this blog post. It’s going to be much longer, and, y’know, awful.