Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Trump 2020: Mass Pandemic Graves, Economic Carnage, Also I Hate the Troops
I got stung by a bee last night, so there’s a chance that I’ve had an allergic reaction, and hallucinated this week’s news. I understand that it’s a fairly slight chance, but nobody’ll mind if I cling to it like a big ol’ o-shaped cartoon life preserver, right? C’mon, give me a few short hours to believe none of this shit is really happening. Life is good and nice and normal and certainly Batman didn’t get Covid.
I see the Department of Homeland Security withheld intelligence about a Russian attack on the Biden campaign, and like, is the NAME OF YOUR FUCKING DEPARTMENT too small for you treacherous fucks to read? I feel like if Americans wanted a Department of Ignoring or Assisting Foreign Attacks, we’d ask for one.
Iowa Senator Joni Ernst, Kool-Aid dribbling down her chin like blood from a freshly-castrated hog, finally took that last sanity-and-decency-abandoning leap demanded by her death cult of a political party, spreading a vile coronavirus conspiracy theory, the kind of mendacious minimization that’s been getting Americans killed for six motherfucking months now. Of course, Joni doesn’t care that her lies will only further spread the virus and prolong the crisis, so long as she can trick juuuust enough rubes into ignoring the severity of her party’s disastrous mismanagement.
Say, this seems like a great spot to plug Shower Cap’s Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide, don’tcha think? If you haven’t yet adopted a few House/Senate races, our crack team of drunken researchers have assembled all the information you need to focus your donation budget, and seasoned that data with poo jokes. We’ve got an amazing group of incumbents and challengers, and on the other side are…wooooooo, plenty of creeps and loons who must be kept away from power at all costs. So check out the Guide, and spread it around!
So, Nancy Pelosi got a haircut, and, judging by the tantrums the right-leaning folks I went to high school with have been throwing, this haircut is a Very Big Deal, indeed an Infinitely Larger Deal than the botched pandemic response that’s claimed millions of jobs and tens of thousands of lives. Kids, I know it can’t be easy to run on your record when your record is a bucket of festering warthog anuses (and unpopular tax cuts for the wealthy!), but if you’re counting on Nancy’s salon trip to deliver you from your electoral woes, I’m afraid I’ve got some b…
…y’know what? Actually, knock yourselves out. It’s a Pelosi’s Hair election. Obviously. This issue is a goose that lays golden eggs while flawlessly performing oral sex. Promise. You can’t possibly lose.
Redactor General William Barr sat down for an interview with Wolf Blitzer, to parrot a few of his Turd Emperor’s favorite lies, on the alleged evils of voting by mail, and of course the complete absence of racism in American policing. Surprised he didn’t toss in a couple of Dr. Ronny Jackson’s greatest hits for good measure. Bilious Bill is certainly right at home in the Trump/McConnell post-truth, post-shame Republican Party; what does he care that the fact-checkers eviscerated his drivel? He’s the Attorney General and you’re not; so long as he wields that power, it will be wielded corruptly, and in service to institutional white supremacy. You’ve quadruple-checked that you’re registered to vote, right?
Running out of time and options, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot apparently figured his best shot at staying out of prison is getting the Children of the Candy Corn to vote twice. I wonder how Republicans will feel about sentencing reform next year when prisons start filling up with all the wee Shartkin drones eagerly committing this extremely-easy-to-detect felony?
‘Course, maybe he wouldn’t be up shit creek with only a paddle that’s way too big for his wee impotent baby hands if he didn’t constantly try to use the power of his office to fuck over American citizens who live in places that didn’t vote for him. This latest pathetic, extremely unconstitutional scheme, to pull federal funding from cities laughably designated as “anarchist jurisdictions,” only reminds the electorate that he’s a petty thug who despises most of us. SPEAKING OF WHICH…
Of course you’ve already seen Jeffrey Goldberg’s piece in the Atlantic, documenting the Bonespur Buttplug’s disdain for Americans who serve in the military, most particularly the chump losers and suckers who sacrificed their lives. It’s the portrait of a hopelessly broken, turd-souled rat of a man, who despises anyone better than himself*, for the unavoidable disgrace the comparison brings. No wonder he surrounds himself with ziplock-bags-filled-with-anal-leakage like Miller and Bannon.
The Veryfine Valor Thief denied everything, and I bet he wishes he hadn’t cried wolf over stupid shit like crowd sizes now. Anyway, outlet after outlet confirmed the story, up to and including Fux Nooz. At least the mystery of why the commander-in-chief doesn’t seem to care about Russia putting bounties on our troops has been solved.
If y’all don’t mind a segue from abominable disrespect to psychopathically misplaced respect, wingnut CongressDolt Thomas Massie felt the need to praise Teen Terrorist Kyle Rittenhouse, for showing “incredible restraint,” because he only ended two human lives, y’see, he “didn’t empty a magazine into a crowd.” Tom. Bro. It’s ok, and actually super normal and healthy, to just say, “murdering people is bad and should be avoided whenever possible,” rather than appreciating Goldilocks for getting her killing spree just right.
It would be cool if there were just the one story this week about a Republican official normalizing political violence, but if there’s one thing 2020 is not fucking around about, it’s the bloodthirsty rage of the white and subpar. What I’m saying is, during this time of unrest and upheaval, when tensions have already boiled over into tragedy too damn many times, Louisiana Congressprick Clay Higgins felt it was extremely important that the world understand just how much he wants to mass-murder Black people.
When Facebook removed his post, (the one expressing his horniness to commit a mass shooting, specifically targeting African-Americans) Higgins felt this, too, was grounds for a lil’ homicidal ideation, and suddenly I’m concerned for the safety of every server who’ll ever have to take Clay’s burger back to the kitchen because it’s not cooked right.
Oddly, Higgins has never expressed a single word of disapproval towards any previous armed-to-the-teeth rage mob, even the one that stormed the statehouse in Michigan a few weeks back. Weird how it’s important to preserve the right to carry firearms openly when it’s a gaggle of spittle-drenched white dudes, but the minute Black folks avail themselves of the same rights, suddenly a U.S. Congressman feels completely comfortable publicly threatening to murder them.
Higgins was of course disciplined by House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, JUST KIDDING, Kev is too busy rolling out the red carpet for the Q-addled maniac(s?) set to join his Loser Death Cult Caucus next January.
Anyhoo, there’s certainly no better way to push back on a So the President Loathes the Troops scandal than by shutting down Stars and Stripes, the independent military newspaper dating back to the (first?) Civil War. This feels like a shitbag birthday present, an offering from the craven enablers in the Cabinet to their Hemorrhoid God, finally, a media outlet of his very own to crush.
UPDATE: I see Sharty McFly backed down on Stars and Stripes, so there’s some tangible good from a piece of high-quality reporting, even if it’s ultimately only done out of fear of further alienating a crucial voting block. I’ve learned to take victories wherever I fucking well find ‘em.
Shit, I better sign off while there’s still an up note to end on, you never know what that kooky fascist in the White House will do next, right? Actually feels kinda light tonight, which is great, I think we’ve all earned a little weekend. Stay safe out there, friends.
*Meaning, of course, nearly everyone