I got stung by a bee last night, so there’s a chance that I’ve had an allergic reaction, and hallucinated this week’s news. I understand that it’s a fairly slight chance, but nobody’ll mind if I cling to it like a big ol’ o-shaped cartoon life preserver, right? C’mon, give me a few short hours to believe none of this shit is really happening. Life is good and nice and normal and certainly Batman didn’t get Covid.

I see the Department of Homeland Security withheld intelligence about a Russian attack on the Biden campaign, and like, is the NAME OF YOUR FUCKING DEPARTMENT too small for you treacherous fucks to read? I feel like if Americans wanted a Department of Ignoring or Assisting Foreign Attacks, we’d ask for one.

Iowa Senator Joni Ernst, Kool-Aid dribbling down her chin like blood from a freshly-castrated hog, finally took that last sanity-and-decency-abandoning leap demanded by her death cult of a political party, spreading a vile coronavirus conspiracy theory, the kind of mendacious minimization that’s been getting Americans killed for six motherfucking months now. Of course, Joni doesn’t care that her lies will only further spread the virus and prolong the crisis, so long as she can trick juuuust enough rubes into ignoring the severity of her party’s disastrous mismanagement.

Say, this seems like a great spot to plug Shower Cap’s Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide, don’tcha think? If you haven’t yet adopted a few House/Senate races, our crack team of drunken researchers have assembled all the information you need to focus your donation budget, and seasoned that data with poo jokes. We’ve got an amazing group of incumbents and challengers, and on the other side are…wooooooo, plenty of creeps and loons who must be kept away from power at all costs. So check out the Guide, and spread it around!

So, Nancy Pelosi got a haircut, and, judging by the tantrums the right-leaning folks I went to high school with have been throwing, this haircut is a Very Big Deal, indeed an Infinitely Larger Deal than the botched pandemic response that’s claimed millions of jobs and tens of thousands of lives. Kids, I know it can’t be easy to run on your record when your record is a bucket of festering warthog anuses (and unpopular tax cuts for the wealthy!), but if you’re counting on Nancy’s salon trip to deliver you from your electoral woes, I’m afraid I’ve got some b…

…y’know what? Actually, knock yourselves out. It’s a Pelosi’s Hair election. Obviously. This issue is a goose that lays golden eggs while flawlessly performing oral sex. Promise. You can’t possibly lose.

Redactor General William Barr sat down for an interview with Wolf Blitzer, to parrot a few of his Turd Emperor’s favorite lies, on the alleged evils of voting by mail, and of course the complete absence of racism in American policing. Surprised he didn’t toss in a couple of Dr. Ronny Jackson’s greatest hits for good measure. Bilious Bill is certainly right at home in the Trump/McConnell post-truth, post-shame Republican Party; what does he care that the fact-checkers eviscerated his drivel? He’s the Attorney General and you’re not; so long as he wields that power, it will be wielded corruptly, and in service to institutional white supremacy. You’ve quadruple-checked that you’re registered to vote, right?

Running out of time and options, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot apparently figured his best shot at staying out of prison is getting the Children of the Candy Corn to vote twice. I wonder how Republicans will feel about sentencing reform next year when prisons start filling up with all the wee Shartkin drones eagerly committing this extremely-easy-to-detect felony?

‘Course, maybe he wouldn’t be up shit creek with only a paddle that’s way too big for his wee impotent baby hands if he didn’t constantly try to use the power of his office to fuck over American citizens who live in places that didn’t vote for him. This latest pathetic, extremely unconstitutional scheme, to pull federal funding from cities laughably designated as “anarchist jurisdictions,” only reminds the electorate that he’s a petty thug who despises most of us. SPEAKING OF WHICH…

Of course you’ve already seen Jeffrey Goldberg’s piece in the Atlantic, documenting the Bonespur Buttplug’s disdain for Americans who serve in the military, most particularly the chump losers and suckers who sacrificed their lives. It’s the portrait of a hopelessly broken, turd-souled rat of a man, who despises anyone better than himself*, for the unavoidable disgrace the comparison brings. No wonder he surrounds himself with ziplock-bags-filled-with-anal-leakage like Miller and Bannon.

The Veryfine Valor Thief denied everything, and I bet he wishes he hadn’t cried wolf over stupid shit like crowd sizes now. Anyway, outlet after outlet confirmed the story, up to and including Fux Nooz. At least the mystery of why the commander-in-chief doesn’t seem to care about Russia putting bounties on our troops has been solved.

If y’all don’t mind a segue from abominable disrespect to psychopathically misplaced respect, wingnut CongressDolt Thomas Massie felt the need to praise Teen Terrorist Kyle Rittenhouse, for showing “incredible restraint,” because he only ended two human lives, y’see, he “didn’t empty a magazine into a crowd.” Tom. Bro. It’s ok, and actually super normal and healthy, to just say, “murdering people is bad and should be avoided whenever possible,” rather than appreciating Goldilocks for getting her killing spree just right.

It would be cool if there were just the one story this week about a Republican official normalizing political violence, but if there’s one thing 2020 is not fucking around about, it’s the bloodthirsty rage of the white and subpar. What I’m saying is, during this time of unrest and upheaval, when tensions have already boiled over into tragedy too damn many times, Louisiana Congressprick Clay Higgins felt it was extremely important that the world understand just how much he wants to mass-murder Black people.

When Facebook removed his post, (the one expressing his horniness to commit a mass shooting, specifically targeting African-Americans) Higgins felt this, too, was grounds for a lil’ homicidal ideation, and suddenly I’m concerned for the safety of every server who’ll ever have to take Clay’s burger back to the kitchen because it’s not cooked right.

Oddly, Higgins has never expressed a single word of disapproval towards any previous armed-to-the-teeth rage mob, even the one that stormed the statehouse in Michigan a few weeks back. Weird how it’s important to preserve the right to carry firearms openly when it’s a gaggle of spittle-drenched white dudes, but the minute Black folks avail themselves of the same rights, suddenly a U.S. Congressman feels completely comfortable publicly threatening to murder them.

Higgins was of course disciplined by House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, JUST KIDDING, Kev is too busy rolling out the red carpet for the Q-addled maniac(s?) set to join his Loser Death Cult Caucus next January.

Anyhoo, there’s certainly no better way to push back on a So the President Loathes the Troops scandal than by shutting down Stars and Stripes, the independent military newspaper dating back to the (first?) Civil War. This feels like a shitbag birthday present, an offering from the craven enablers in the Cabinet to their Hemorrhoid God, finally, a media outlet of his very own to crush.

UPDATE: I see Sharty McFly backed down on Stars and Stripes, so there’s some tangible good from a piece of high-quality reporting, even if it’s ultimately only done out of fear of further alienating a crucial voting block. I’ve learned to take victories wherever I fucking well find ‘em.

Shit, I better sign off while there’s still an up note to end on, you never know what that kooky fascist in the White House will do next, right? Actually feels kinda light tonight, which is great, I think we’ve all earned a little weekend. Stay safe out there, friends.

*Meaning, of course, nearly everyone