Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Welcome to the All-New, All-Civil Shower Cap Blog! (Civility is a Trademark of the New York Times Company)
As the nation grapples with issues like “Is the free press really worth the trouble?” and, “Baby jails, Good, or Nah?” the New York Times helpfully reminds us that the REAL problem in America today is an all-around lack of civility, on all sides, shame on everyone. Equally.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap hasn’t always been the most civil fellow, but that changes here and now! Tonight I introduce a kinder, gentler, politer, both-sides-er Shower Cap blog!
(For optimal civility-maximizing effect, please read the following blog post to yourself in the snottiest British accent you can muster. Rex Harrison would be sufficient, but if you can find your way to full Tim-Roth-in-ROB-ROY, that would be ideal.)
‘Twould appear Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, seeking only to unwind at a local Mexican restaurant following a hard day’s work supervising the state-sponsored terrorizing of refugee children, was instead met with protesters who rather rudely suggested she should feel bad about terrorizing refugee children.
Why, even STEPHEN MILLER, that saintly youth, faced protesters while dining at, again, a Mexican restaurant. I ask you, dear reader, can a man not devote his entire life to unashamed white supremacy without being tauntingly called a fascist while enjoying the cuisine of the very people he seeks to oppress?
Shame on these protesters! Uncouth louts! In the future, when encountering this administration’s villainous Capos in the public square, remember to bow or curtsy before explaining, in a firm but respectful tone, that turd-gargling fascists such as they are most unwelcome in the company of decent folk. Should they choose to maintain their presence, you may then, POLITELY invite them to lick your asshole until it’s as clean as the day you were born. There’s no reason to be discourteous about any of this.
Turns out Mike Huckabee, Friend of Pedophiles, will happily rent space on his famed Criminally Unfunny Twitter Page to any willing foreign power, provided the price is right. Wait, is it indecorous of me to mention the latest evidence discrediting a moralizing hack whose word is literally for sale? Would it shatter the entirely fraudulent idea that ol’ Chuckle Huck is a “man of God,” rather than an “affable hate monger?” Well, we can’t have that. Pretend I never said a thing.
As has been rumored for a while now, Nikki Haley withdrew the USA from the United Nations Human Rights Council, perhaps over their refusal to rebrand as the United Nations Rich and Mostly White People’s Rights Council. Haley’s tenure as U.N. Ambassador has been marked mostly by bullying and failure, not unlike Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, who I will now pretend is basically the chair of the DNC, because what’s most important here is maintaining the facade that both sides pull shit like this equally.
McClatchy posted a really fantastic, well-researched article on various shady-ass Russians funneling millions in cash to the Grand Wizard Grifter via real estate purchases, often through shell companies. Yes, this almost certainly indicates the President’s involvement in criminal money laundering, but as we all know, it’s really rather gauche to discuss money in public, so I’m afraid we’ll just have to let this one slide, old boy.
More than 600 members of the United Methodist Church have brought church charges against the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, because of the whole “children in cages” thing. If and when Sessions is excommunicated from his church for his crimes against humanity, I hope he’ll be granted the courtesy of having the news delivered tastefully, on quality, perhaps even scented, stationary. “Mr. Sessions, we regret to inform you that you are evil shitsack, and a soulless horror of a man. Still, we wish you well in your inevitable damnation.” And there should be a thin mint in the envelope, because we’re not savages.
President Shartca- no no, that’s far too uncivil, that simply won’t do…President MarginallyNaughtyBoy offered his latest justification for his ever-escalating trade war with our really quite patient neighbor to the north, an unhinged rant about – oh excuse me, (CIVILITY, CAP!) a…an intriguingly-novel-if-not-as-yet-supported theory about Canadians smuggling shoes over the border en masse. I guess.
In the spirit of bothsidesism, I must now provided a countering example of something equally batshit from a liberal source, so…gimmie a few days, I need to kidnap Howard Dean, force-feed him a bunch of bath salts, and lock him in a room with nothing but Pixie Stix and old Battlestar Galactica DVDs for a week or so.
Corey Lewandowski, always an unusually polite young man who rarely physically assaults female journalists, demonstrated the lengths to which the President’s inner circle will go to preserve comity in our political discourse, by mocking a child with Down syndrome who had been stolen from her mother by the government of the United States. Still, Mr Lewandowski, I must interject. I shouldn’t wish to make you uncomfortable, but don’t you think it was a bit rude of you to interrupt while someone else was speaking?
Alas, Corey has been let go from his high-dollar speaking engagement booking agency. That was one mightily expensive “womp womp” sir! Your commitment to being an absolute festering sack of rhino shit has cost you tens of thousands of dollars, though I suppose Democrats are to blame for not doing more to reach out to the “laughing at the most vulnerable among us” demographic.
Y’know, I think I’m getting a handle on this “civility” stuff. I’m on a fuckin’ roll, y’all.
So let’s get back to Kirstjen Nielsen. You know, a lot of people are shitting on Kirstjen for her shameful complicity in the administration’s policy of ripping families apart and sending kids to concentration camps, but now I see how unfair this is. We need to be more open-minded, people! We need to find room in our hearts to ALSO shit on Kirstjen for lying over and over again about the Russians interfering in the 2016 election on behalf of her Idiot Klansman boss.
Now, it must be said that while the President of the United States once again held a lie-filled, race-baiting, hate rally last night, and that this is perhaps something less than a good thing, I’ll remind you that a few days ago a film actor said “Fuck,” not once but TWICE at an awards ceremony, and I’m sure you’ll agree that was equally undesirable. Mathematically equal. In fact, it’s being reported that a number of the children being detained by the American government in internment camps have ceased crying out for their lost fathers and mothers, and now wail at all hours of the day and night for Robert De Niro to please watch his language.
(But let us at least give thanks, because finally, FINALLY, after nearly three years of gifting the Velveeta Vulgarian with billions of dollars worth of free airtime, no network save Fux Nooz carried this latest Festival of Hate and Spittle live. Let’s hope that lesson sticks.)
Michael Cohen, who is up to his dead, empty, eyeballs in legal trouble, resigned from the RNC, which had somehow not fired him yet. Perhaps they were too busy refusing to return Steve Wynn’s donations. On the other hand, Democrats promptly returned Harvey Weinstein’s money, or passed it on to charities, and if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to pretend that these two things are morally equivalent. To do otherwise would be…uncivil.
Not even the most dedicated bothsideser can justify the cartoonish depths of Scott Pruitt’s corruption, but surely we can all join together as one people, regardless of race, creed, or color, and share a mad-eyed laugh that he’s now been caught spending millions on “security,” including thousands on…on “tactical pants,” and somehow, he’ll still have a job tomorrow morning. We’re all just blind drunk in the slums of Wonderland, and Scott Pruitt has hoarded all the Eat Me cakes in his soundproof booth, so there’s no hope of escape.
What’s this? Oh, I see the GOP is once again proposing massive reductions to the safety net, this time seeking $1.5 trillion in Medicare and Medicaid cuts. Weird how neatly that number syncs up with their massive tax giveaway to the rich, isn’t it? But I certainly wouldn’t be so…uncivil…as to bring that up.
Paul Manafort, who has now been in jail for nearly a week await trail, finds himself more #Manafucked than ever before, with a judge denying his request to pretty please suppress the evidence seized from his storage unit not that it’s incriminating or anything. In other, less civil times, I may have laughed at Mr. Manafort’s misfortune. I may have mailed him cupcakes that turned out to be made from dog food. I may have collected his tears in a jar, just to DIP MY BALLS in them.
…but I’m above all that now.
Melania visited a border detention facility for a quick photo op with some imprisoned children, and she…um…she seems to have worn a jacket with “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” printed on it…and um…all I’m saying is, my civility bone has had an awful lot of stress put on it today, and…look, could you maybe have worn one of the hundreds of millions of jackets in the world that DOESN’T FUCKING SAY “I DON’T CARE” ON IT, you dizzy idiot?
And The Federalist most courteously published a think piece in which the author furiously masturbated to violent fantasies of murdering, even scalping liberals because…who knows, some unhinged shit about tyranny and “57 genders,” but I’m pretty sure I saw Dick Durbin eat his salad with a dinner fork one time so once again I assure you the problem is civility, and that both sides are equally to blame.
Hey, here’s a fun little story about a completely insane person who works at the Department of Health and Human Services, with a lengthy history of ranting about pizzagate and “spirit cooking” and all kinds of lunatic racist trash, but Democrats are JUST AS GUILTY, don’t you remember that thing where…um…HOLY SHIT LOOK OVER THERE, ISN’T THAT ADAM LEVINE? (Scampers away while your head is turned.).
See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? I got through the whole week’s news recap without being ungentlemanly, and it wasn’t even –
Pardon me, what?
No no, I covered everything. I’m very thorough.
Oh, the camps? The internment camps for children? Oh. Um…sure. I can totally cover that stuff, while maintaining my delicately-balanced centrism, my dedication to civility at any cost. Easy peasy!
So where were we? Ah yes, the Shart Admin-er, Trump Administration had instituted a policy of separating children from their parents at the southern border. This was done, with the open admission of multiple high-ranking officials, as a “deterrent,” effectively using the fear and trauma inflicted by the state ON CHILDREN to discourage other asylum-seekers from coming to the U.S., which of course is terrorism.
But surely it’s ungracious to assign such motives even when there’s…um…video documentation of Jeff Sessions announcing them with such unabashed pride you know he had to race offstage before he creamed his pants with the pure orgasmic joy of inflicting so much suffering on non-white people.
And ok, you’re learning more and more about government employees confiscating toys and rosaries from the kids we’re detaining. And there are accusations of children being drugged against their will. Being physically abused. And while we know the United States Government now operates motherfucking JAILS FOR BABIES, we still can’t seem to pin down where the girls are, and these rat bastards are releasing pathetically out-of-date photographs hoping nobody will notice. Oh, and they’re hiring dudes who’ve been caught with child pornography to work at their CAMPS FOR CHILDREN and I have to confess I’m pretty much at the end of my civility rope.
Because when I watch Laura Ingraham refer to these detention facilities as “summer camps,” I see the face of human evil. Laura Ingraham is the kind of person who would merrily lock a gas chamber door and flip the switch. That’s the sad, simple, truth, everybody fucking knows it, and if your think it’s “uncivil” to point that out, I invite you to dine on the contents of my cat’s litter box.
And America saw this fuckery, and rose up and said “OH HELL NO.” We did not treat the perpetrators of these atrocities with courtesy, with civility, because they did not deserve it. We called them monsters, because they are monsters. We called them fuckheads, because they are fuckheads. We called them soulless, scum-sucking, excrement-munching, inhuman bastards whose very blood is Satan’s cum because they ARE soulless, scum-sucking, excrement-munching, inhuman bastards whose very blood is Satan’s cum.
Objectively. It’s been proven by science. And they are welcome, civility be damned, to surgically attach themselves to the business end of my colon and enjoy the post-digestion fruits of my somewhat-less-than-optimal dietary habits.
These people are BROKEN. The gift of a human life, with a human soul, in a human body, is a miracle. To warp those gifts with hatred, as the men and women who currently run our country have, is a crime against humanity, and a crime against yourself.
Donald Trump, is sad, small, man. A petty, hateful, man, damaged beyond repair by his insecurities. And he’s surrounded himself with a cabal of pretty much the shittiest human beings America has ever manufactured, sycophants and enablers and balding bigot dirtbags, all happy to egg him on as he plunges our beautiful country into darkness.
But we beat ‘em this week. Not a perfect, or complete victory, but an immensely important one. Not since the early days of the racist travel ban have these evil fucks attempted such wholesale annihilation of America’s values. And not since those same days have the decent people of this nation risen up and said “Not on my watch, you tumor-felching carnies.”
So we called them out on their filthy lies and forced them to retreat, at least a little bit, and WE SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT THAT. It’s not enough, not nearly enough. They’re still detaining families. They’re still going to court seeking the right to detain families indefinitely. They feel no obligation whatsoever to reunite the families they’ve sundered, because, and NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THIS FACT…because they are, in the end, totally immoral people.
But we knocked ‘em back. They felt our power, and they fear us. They should. November is closer than ever.