Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Well, If Stephen Miller Says it’s Not Racist, I Guess That’s That.
So, the Trump 2020 reelection effort has just two messages at the moment: LOOK AT HOW RACIST I AM, AIN’T IT GREAT and HOW DARE THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA CALL ME RACIST. I can see how this might seem confusing, but if you take a minute to think about it, you’ll remember that not one fucking thing has made any fucking sense for two and half fucking years now…does that help at all? No? Oh well.
Operation: No Racist Bones Not Even the Tiny Ones in My Inadequate Hands kicked off in earnest with Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot retweeting famous British hate-monger Katie Hopkins. Hey Dotard, pro tip: in this particular debate, you might want to limit your social media circle to just people who haven’t literally called for a sequel to the FUCKING HOLOCAUST only for Muslims this time.
The shrewd political strategists in the Shart House comms shop figured what better way to counter accusations of bigotry than to deploy the single most racist member of an administration famous for racism, and thus we got the rare treat of watching Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller seethe and spit on the Sunday Shoz. Sterile Stephen belched up some hot garbage about “the principles of western civilization,” because he literally can’t stop himself from talking like a Nazi, even when trying to prove how totally not-racist his boss is. (As a leading practitioner of the storied western art form of Amusingly Ineffective Bald Spot Decoration, Miller’s dedication to his culture is unquestionably sincere, but he’s still a white nationalist.)
Mercedes Schlapp is, frankly, embarrassingly lazy at this whole “gaslighting” thing, arguing that a video of Tangerine Idi Amin basking in the pure, unfiltered, hate of the “Send her back” chants actually depicts the President traveling through time to tackle James Earl Ray right before he could assassinate Martin Luther King, Jr.
And Wyoming Congressfiend Liz Cheney snarlingly insisted the chants, and Strawberry Shartcake’s ongoing attacks on the four congresswomen of color, certainly aren’t about race, or gender, or religion. The fuck ARE they about then, Liz? Low-calorie butter substitutes? SEND HER BACK…TO THE STORE BECAUSE SHE FORGOT TO USE THE COUPON I CLIPPED OUT OF THE SUNDAY PAPER!
Now, if Weehands McNodick is your disheveled racist grandpa, shitting his pants while shouting slurs at the Denny’s wait staff until your whole family gets banned for life, think of Missouri freshman Senator Josh Hawley as basically the hipster version, smugly tossing around the out-of-date slang he picked up hanging out in a vintage Klan robe resale shop. Railing about the “cosmopolitan elite” may be the handlebar-mustache-and-fedora version of chanting “Jews will not replace us,” but you’re not fooling anybody, Josh-O.
Hey, remember that Qnatic who killed a Mafia boss a few months back? Well, according to his lawyer, he did it all for Jodie Foster, excuse me, I mean Trump. D’ya think they keep, like, a Stochastic Terror Scoreboard up in West Wing? Like, Mick Mulvaney rings a bell and they throw a pizza party whenever someone commits murder in President Crotchrot’s name?
Speaking of which, a Louisiana police officer wrote on Facebook that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “needs a round — and I don’t mean the kind she used to serve” HAW HAW HAW HE MEANS FROM A GUN AS IN MURDERING HER HAW HAW HAW. Now, while it’s certainly obvious this officer should lose his job over the whole “terrorist threat” thing, I also hope there’s some sort of discipline for that lame-ass round pun. Make him clean all the bathrooms before he picks up his last paycheck, or something.
Oh, and for extra fun, the “article” that prompted Officer Charlie Rispoli’s hilarious call to political assassination, was, in fact, literally fake news, because fucking of course it was. UPDATE: Little Chuckie Bang Bang has indeed been fired. Thoughts. Prayers. Laffs.
Meanwhile the Illinois Republican County Chairmen’s Association posted an equally hilarious parody poster labeling the much-maligned quartet of Democrat House freshmen “The Jihad Squad,” which for extra Conservative Victimhood Complex Points, actually whines about accusations of racism. You could catch these dolts burning crosses in full Klan regalia, and if you called them out for it, they’d scream “WELL SO MUCH FOR THE TOLERANT LEFT!!!!!!”
A group of fake Christian House Republicans, flustered with their lack of power to hurt people since getting forcibly booted to the minority, are pestering Amazon to reverse a ban on selling books about the debunked and demented practice of “conversion therapy,” like for example The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Driving Your LGBTQ Child to Suicide. I think this is actually a clever piece of political maneuvering; in advocating for the torture of AMERICAN children, they undercut the argument that their abominable treatment of migrant kids in concentration camps is racially motivated! 9TH-DIMENSIONAL CHESS, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAS!!!!!
Look out Melania, I think your replacement just turned up! A beauty pageant contestant, stripped of her crown for bigoted social media posts, who then whines and whines and whines (and whines) about how she’s being persecuted for her “conservative* views?” MEET YOUR NEW MOM, ERIC!
Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, in his magnanimousness, announced that he will not annihilate all life Afghanistan by raining atomic fire down upon it, and I think he deserves a very special, chocolate-and-chopped-nuts-encrusted Nobel Peace Prize for that. Is it weird that I’m oddly encouraged to learn that there are limits to his sociopathy, if only at the level of genocide?
And the We’re Not Racist We’re Just Trying to Kick All the Brown People Out Administration announced a new plan to deport even more undocumented immigrants, because “maybe if we keep hurting nonwhite people, you won’t notice when we take your health insurance away” is pretty much the best pitch these jags can come up with. And that’s 100% good enough for 50 million or so of your fellow countrymen. Sleep tight.
Word from the Commerce Department is, everything’s falling to shit, partially from malicious mismanagement, partially because, and please make sure you’re not sipping on anything you don’t want shooting out of your nose before finishing this sentence, it’s tough to keep Secretary Ross awake long enough to get through a whole meeting. Look, Uncle Wilbur is national security threat, and every day he remains Commerce Secretary we run the risk of exposing America’s most closely-guarded fiscal secrets…to Freddy Krueger.
It’s easy to focus on the harm Government Cheese Goebbels has inflicted; migrant concentration camps, the Muslim travel ban, the military transgender ban. But shouldn’t we also talk about the groups that have prospered? Groups like the DeVos family, who’ve reaped millions in benefits from the GOP tax scam bill? The lamestream librul media never talks about that, DO THEY?
And the Hairplug That Ate Decency claimed today that Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi begged him to Please Solve the Kashmir Problem for Me Shit It’s Probably Best If You Just Take Over the Whole Damn Country and then about two minutes later the Indian government went “Yeah, that didn’t happen.” Gosh I wonder who’s telling the truth.
Anyway, looks like we’ve got a deal on the debt ceiling, so that’s one potentially catastrophic outcome taken off the table. Ok, so maybe it’s like childproofing just the drawer with the knives, while leaving the cabinets with the rat poison and the shotgun and the bengal tiger wide open, but I’ll take my comfort where I can find it these days.