Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Xmas Week in Hell: Still Awful and Stupid, Just Colder
Only thing I asked Santa for this year was for Xmas to bring me one day closer to Joe n’ Kamala’s inauguration, and I got that, wrapped tastefully, with a bow I can reuse next year and everything, but it must be noted, my stocking was filled with the same smoldering pile of perverse horseshit I’ve been getting since 2016. I miss ChapStick and socks, frankly.
MAGA Nation spiked their Kool-Aid with extra meth when Gameshow Göring announced his latest round of pardons, because they mistakenly believe themselves to be on the same “team” as oligarchs like Paul Manafort and Roger Stone, who in turn view them simply as livestock. Anyway, I’m not sure we’re doing populism right, but I lost the manual.
You would think, after setting the world land speed judicial ass-whoopin’ record over the last few weeks, Donnie Dotard would be sick of losing, but no, he actually vetoed the dang defense bill, because he cares more about dead racist loser traitors than all us dumb serfs stuck here in the United States of Covid.
(He was also attempting to blackmail Congress into repealing Section 230, out of the erroneous belief that doing so would make it easier for him to lie on Twitter. Turns out that classic “I love the poorly educated” line was just more narcissism after all.)
Anyhow, the House overrode his tiny, inadequate veto, the Senate can’t wait to do the same, and the Marmalade Shartcannon is whining more than ever, which is amazing, because his entire presidency has been like being trapped in a closet with every single toddler in human history plus most of the Neanderthals for good measure.
I see multiple key witnesses for Team Treasonweasel’s case that Yuh HUH There Was Voter Fraud have withered before the awesome might of Extremely Basic Journalism. Sidney Powell’s much vaunted “former intelligence contractor” turned out to be just another random gibbering idiot with a pro-Trump podcast, and then Rudy Giuliani’s viral celebrity nitwit friend was revealed to be some sort of janitorial temp. Golly, and they seemed so credible.
Now that the reliability of these witnesses has been objectively obliterated, expect the GOP to finally abandon Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s assault on American democracy, allowing us all to move forward together, one nation unified in defense of our shared val-HA HA JUST KIDDING you’re locked in a country with a brainwashed mob, tens of millions strong, ready to believe anything, however ridiculous, so long as it lets them hate the left just a little bit more than when they woke up, already delirious with rage. Christ himself could rise from the grave to debunk this shit, and they’d call him part of the deep state*.
I confess I’m in awe of Hairplug Himmler’s capacity for bitterness; somehow he isn’t so busy screeching at subordinates for insufficiently overthrowing the government on his behalf that he can’t find time to stop and smell the roses, assuming “smelling the roses” roughly translates into Slovenian as “grousing that your Xmas-despising birther bride wasn’t on the cover of Nazi Loser Housewives’ Digest” or some shit. See, when you’re really passionate about resentment, you find ways to multitask.
Of course, the biggest holiday weekend story was the Lamest of All Possible Ducks breaking out his seldom-worn President costume to play Big Tuff Negotiator Man with the coronavirus relief bill, at the last minute, threatening to blow up a hard-won bipartisan compromise, and royally fucking over millions of Americans in the process.
After months of ignoring both the stimulus negotiations and the suffering of the American people, suddenly Tangerine Idi Amin started tweeting out demands for $2,000 checks from every potty break**. Nancy Pelosi, after pinching herself several times, gleefully seized the opportunity to flip Mitch McConnell over on his back and watch him flail. Yertle wouldn’t squirm alone, of course; hopefully-soon-to-be-departing cast members Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue found themselves unexpectedly unable to join in any reindeer games, as they were too busy explaining to the Georgia runoff electorate why they opposed their Excrement Emperor’s popular proposal.
…and shit was already pretty tough out there for an insider-tradin’ wingnut plutocrat down in the Peach State, with prominent Shartworld “attorney” L. Lin Wood urging Republican voters to boycott the runoff because the nargles that live in the fillings of his teeth told him about something called the “Dominion Algorithm,” which as near as I can tell is a conspiracy by voting machine companies to give old white conservative dudes erectile dysfunction.
Anyway, this was probably the most fun round of What the Living Fuck is This Assclown Thinking to date, with the fate of millions hanging in the balance. While Strawberry Shartcake dithered, god knows how many struggling Americans lost a full week’s worth of enhanced unemployment benefits, 300 bucks, but don’t worry, nobody’s budget is strained this time of year or anything.
This was around the time when everyone realized Weehands McNodick could just pocket veto the damn bill, which would of course be the act of a deranged madman more interested in harming the nation that rejected him at the ballot box than fulfilling his constitutional duties to oh I see it now. Well, fuck.
A bipartisan group of lawmakers begged the President to, y’know, give a fuck about his suffering constituents, but had little luck, as, despite recent successes on other fronts, medical science has yet to develop a cure for sociopathy.
In the end, they called in the Shart Whisperer: Lindsey Graham, who, along with a handful of collaborators, just straight up lied to the President to get him to sign the bill. They tricked the doddering old fart into believing he could force Congress to amend the thing, simply by signing it, and attaching a lil’ note that goes, “hey you guys, get rid of the stuff I don’t like,” essentially a line-item veto.
The Presidency offers no such power, of course, and amazingly, despite having held the gig longer than nearly anyone alive, Donald Trump does not know this. And of course, the bill became law the moment he sullied it with his obscene scrawl, which he almost certainly didn’t find out until…whenever they covered it on Newsmax. Children in fairy tales are not this easy to manipulate.
Imagine what Putin’s been pulling. Seriously, just fucking IMAGINE.
Like, no wonder the skeevy freaks squatting in our Pentagon are still fucking with the Biden transition team. Whether they’re frantically harvesting every available state secret in a desperate last-minute bid to buy the pee tape off Vlad Putin, or just shredding and deleting the evidence of a four-year spree of crime and treachery, I’m sure their hands are full.
Louie Gohmert and a bunch of his dumbest, fashiest friends have asked a federal court to grant Mike Pants magical new president-selecting powers, like maybe the founding fathers built a secret backdoor into the Constitution, some kind of “JUST KIDDING ABOUT ELECTIONS, ya chumps, really a defeated Vice President can pick whoever he wants” thing. Seriously, anybody. Dane Cook. Marianne Williamson. An aardvark. Whatever Mike Pence decides. (When it turns out to be some minor celebrity known only to aficionados of scat porn, I won’t say I toldja so, BUT…)
Meanwhile, Covid-19 has now killed 1 in every 1000 Americans. Well, Covid-19 in conjunction with its willing partner, that uniquely American illness known as Trumpism. Credit where it’s due.
Well, this is the very last time the damnéd year twenty-twenty will host our little rendezvous, my friends. I’m gonna google “What IPA pairs well with salting the earth?” and perform a ritual exorcism or two…you stay safe out there.
*Lock Him Up chants and everything. I guarantee it.
** Whenever Hannity cuts to commercial