With less than a month to go ‘til Old Handsome Joe’s inauguration, the Stoopid Coo is getting stoopider so quickly, I do believe we’re going to need more Os. The Coo is at least Stooopid at this point, and historians suggest we may yet attain levels approaching Stoooopid, or even Stüpid, by January.

The long and short of it is, the electorally vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian, now blasting through diapers at a heretofore unimaginable pace with the legal immunity granted by his office set to slip through those tiny, inadequate fingers forever, is currently American history’s most dangerously powerful cornered animal. It’s not awesome.

Elected Republican officials, with their instinctual gutlessness, hoped to hold the Manchurian Manchild’s hand, soothe his tyrannical tantrums, and ease him out of power. You gave him an inch AGAIN, and he took a mile AGAIN, you unteachable dumbfucks. Tell us again about all the lessons he learned from impeachment, Senator Collins.

Because while you sniveling invertebrates dithered, Hairplug Himmler seized the narrative with his heinous voter fraud lies, and in doing so, cemented his hold on the turd-gargling mob y’all call your base, which wouldn’t have happened if you’d simply acknowledged the incontrovertible results of the goddamn election a month and a half ago, but of course that would have required decency and courage, and now I’m embarrassed for even bringing it up.

While I’ve got your attention, Senators, didja like that menacing e-mail Tangerine Idi Amin sent to your caucus, by way of one Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr.? Yeah, this is your richly-deserved life now, campers. END AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FOR ME OR I MAKE GETTING REVENGE ON YOU MY FULL TIME JOB. This shit was never gonna turn out any other way, you absolute clowns.

(Regarding the threat itself…old man, nobody hates Wrinkly Gamera more than the American left, but he is the sole reason you’re still plotting in the Oval instead of begging the warden for half an hour of Twitter access right now.)

Of course, worse, and even more treacherous than those who merely facilitate this fascist farce with their pusillanimity, are the active co-conspirators. We’re playing chicken here; with reality, yes, but also with some deeply dangerous ideas about how power is to be seized and wielded in this country, and sure, more Republicans are swerving out of the way every single day, great, but the thing with Donald Trump is, there’s always somebody even crazier waiting in the wings to take the last crazy guy’s place. Always.

So now, Government Cheese Goebbels has assembled the nuttiest, shoddiest, grungiest team in the history of team-assembling montages; a poo-spattered hodgepodge of the most maliciously insane bigots and nitwits from the entire Altman-sized cast of this demented, inescapable, half-decade-long reality show.

Known traitor and felon Michael Flynn. Sidney Fucking Powell, who he actually tried to install as a special counsel. A disgraced former CEO who…Jesus, I can’t even write it, you wouldn’t believe me, see for yourself. These maniacs have been huddling in the Shart House, brainstorming innovative new uses for the U.S. Military, like seizing voting machines, or even holding the election all over again, presumably at gunpoint. These people created a scenario where Ken Cuccinelli found himself in the unlikely role of Responsible, Coup-Denying Adult in the Room, which surely surprised no one more than the Cooch himself.

Think of it as a game with nauseatingly high stakes, as these malignant crotchtumors try to figure out some way to use the terrifyingly substantial powers of the American Presidency to end the system of government outlined in the Constitution. We’re certainly lucky the players are morons, but even senior military officials are worried about what these jagoffs will try to pull.

Shit, it’s gotten too freaky for Rudy Giuliani, a man whose life has encompassed experiences ranging from treason to incest to the single most dignity-disintegrating public meltdown yet known to mankind. We are standing just outside the doors even Mike Pompeo and William Barr wouldn’t open, and what lies beyond those creeps’ ethical boundaries is not real fun to think about.

Plenty of willing accomplices on the House GOP side, however. Alabama’s Mo Brooks has hatched a plot so crazy it just might work, kidding, it’s a really stupid plan with no chance of success, just like the other 906 stupid plans, but it would still be really cool if Republicans could maybe stop trying to overturn the election.

(This seditious horseshit has the support of all the usual zealots: Gym Jordan, Louie Gohmert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Madison Cawthorn, and I actually can’t keep listing them because I’m afraid my brain will spontaneously die, contemplating the thought that these frothing imbeciles actually write our laws.)

Anyway, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. We’ve got a whole fuckin’ month of this shit left, and lemme tell you folks, if you get a push notification announcing Stephen Miller resigned in protest, you duck and cover right that fucking second.

I’m glad Donnie Two-Scoops got one last chance to publicly betray the United States on behalf of his Kremlin masters, for old time’s sake. I honestly got a little misty, watching him shamelessly block for Putin, one last time, after Russia’s massive, warlike cyberattack on (checks notes) the country he is President of.

Well, with the early vote in the Georgia Senate runoffs surging amidst rumors that conspiracy-addled Republican voters may sit this one out, believing the system to be “rigged,” (Reaping, sowing, what are they, and how do they work?) Mitch McConnell finally decided to allow Congress to pass a wee lil’ coronavirus relief bill, lest the plebs catch on that he and his plutocrat party view them as little more than mulch for their donor class’ gardens.

The sausage-making process on this one would make Upton Sinclair retch. Democrats, with their silly bleeding hearts, sought to alleviate the suffering of the millions of ordinary Americans who’ve been repeatedly taint-punted, every goddamn day for ten goddamn months, by the current administration’s disastrous pandemic mismanagement. Yertle and his team of obedient Koch Industries accountants, excuse me, “U.S. Senators” said, “I’m sure we can work something out…but it’ll cost ya.”

So yeah, we won some much-needed relief for our poor, battered country. Meanwhile, the GOP used the public’s plight as leverage to extract concessions like the “three-martini lunch“ deduction, and I don’t know about you, but right about now I could really go for a nice, long lecture on how the Democratic Party needs to embrace populism to win back the white working class.

Not since Alex Jones got his ass whooped by yogurt have we witnessed such a pleasurable legal smackdown of the mendacious right-wing media bullies who’ve inflicted so much harm on this nation. Under threat of a “red slime” lawsuit (and encountering that little term was love at first sight) from voting machine companies slandered by a desperate death cult, the likes of Fux and Newsmax are frantically backpedaling, like…something people might commonly associate with backpedaling, which I cannot for the life of me think of at this time. Like, I dunno, a duck? But it’s nervous, or…something? This joke was a mistake.

So I understand the Batshit Emperor, from his fetid throne atop an impossibly-high mound of human skulls, spends his days fantasizing about all the bright, shiny airports they’re gonna name after him. Let me spoil this one for you, you ruptured fistula: in the future, when people put your name on the side of a building, it won’t be a commemoration, it’ll be a hate crime.

Speaking of buildings, Donald Trump, and racism; this motherfucker actually issued a lame-duck executive order mandating white supremacy in the architectural design of all new federal buildings going forward. Not making that up, he actually fucking did that. Same dude who keeps threatening vetoes over keeping the names of traitors on our military bases. Something something economic anxiety.

A heavily armed mob of Oregon’s whitest and shittiest, including members of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Brownshirts-in-waiting, the Proud Boys, attempted to storm the Capitol, clashing with state police. (Wait, I’m confused, do blue lives matter, or nah?) This is sectarian terrorist violence, by the way, in case anyone was wondering what America has become.

A late flurry of pardons, likely not the last, for a couple of corrupt Congressmen, a few war criminals, and little Georgie Papaderpaderp. Cool crime ring you’ve got there, Republicans. Did you know it used to be a political party?

So yeah, that’s…what’s happening. In real life. Wheeeeee. Tune in next week to see what these losers try next. Fuck. I’m tired.