Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Shartboy in Paris, or Vive la Cray!
So, the Shart Administration likes their little theme weeks. “Infrastructure Week” and “Golf and Naptime Week” and “Jesus Christ Can’t We Find Anyone on the Planet to Replace Reince Priebus Week.” Today was “Let’s Show the World What a Bunch of Bumbling, Brain-Dead, Malicious, Jagoffs We All Are” Day.
Kellyanne decided to get a head start on Hannity last night with her little flash cards, which is hilarious not only for the relentless parodying they earned on the internet, but because most Drumpf voters can’t read in the first place.
Idiocy, after all, is central to defending Shart Junior’s “Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?”/”BOY DO I!” troubles. Aw, he’s just a KID, everyone’s saying. He doesn’t know what he’s doing! How do you expect a 39-year-old manchild to know that colluding with a hostile foreign government is bad? Look at him! He’s barely a functioning human being! He keeps licking Wilbur Ross because he thinks he’s a lollipop!
Boss Shart himself keeps playing the Dumbass in the Dark card, telling anybody who’ll listen that he just found out about the meeting his son, son-in-law, and campaign manager had with an alleged agent of a hostile foreign power when he read about it in the Failing New York Times over the weekend. But tonight, Yahoo tells us that Donnie’s lawyers learned all this three weeks ago, from the Failing Jared Kushner.
Speaking of Jar-Jar, and also of the I’m-just-dumb-as-a-clump-of-dirt defense, having been nailed several times for failing to disclose meetings with foreign agents, he’s amended his SF-86 national security form, cuz a few meetings may’ve slipped his mind the first time he filled it out, excuse me, “lied all over it assuming he’s too rich to ever face consequences.”
Hey, who hasn’t forgotten a meeting here and there, right? Wait, what? He needed to amend it THREE times? Adding over a hundred names? Jesus Fuck.
Somehow this clown still has a high level security clearance, despite committing an offense that would earn any member of military a swift Court Martial. Shit, the House GOP even blocked a vote to strip him of it, because information security is only for Lady Secretaries of State when they’re running for President.
The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, decided he wants in on some of this hawt above-the-law action! Responding to a court order to release details of his own campaign contacts with Ruskies, Ol’ Beau decided to be all cutesy and release a mostly-blank sheet of paper. Sources tell me that, in addition, when a courier came for the document, Sessions briefly humped the courier’s leg, before yapping loudly and incessantly until he was out of sight.
Whelp, the Marmalade Shartcannon went to Paris, France today! He stepped off the plane, and said, “By gum, before I head home, I’m gonna embarrass the shit out of every man, woman and child in America!” And for the first time, perhaps in his life, he kept his promise.
He ogled Emmanuel Macron’s wife for a bit, like a pervert lurking in the bushes outside a sorority house, then tried to rip her arm off. He gave a little speech suggesting that most folks don’t know France was our ally way back during the Revolution, leading America’s fourth-graders to collectively facepalm while sighing “Christ, what an asshole.” He probably tried to break into the Louvre to rub his ass on the paintings.
And I guess, on Air Force One, Toupee Fiasco was going a few rounds with the press corps, and casually suggested that his Big Dumb Wall be not only solar-powered, but…transparent. A see-through solar wall, because people throw big heavy bags of drugs over the wall, and…you want the people throwing the bags of drugs to make sure they don’t hit anybody with their heavy drug bags?
I was 100% certain that story was Borowitz or something when I first saw it, but holy shit, here it is in WaPo. “An’ the wall’s gonna have a moat alongside it but, like, filled with LAVA, and there’ll be alligators that can breathe lava that live in the moat, I’m using the money I’m cutting from Meals on Wheels to speed up the Lava Gator research, Bannon tells me we’re real close.”
Fake Doctor/Actual Nazi Sebastian Gorka popped up on CNN to defend his boss’ I’m-not-a-Russian-agent-your-FACE-is-a-Russian-agent decision to reward Putin for attacking our democracy by returning the spy compounds we confiscated, literally saying “we want to give collaboration a chance,” because Parody is dead.
Regrettably, Gorka once again escaped before Indiana Jones arrived at his location. One day, Sebastian…
YertleCare 2.0, Now With More Cruz! had its big unveiling today as well. Cruz’ amendment holds with the belief the Founding Fathers held so near and dear, that All Men are Created Equal, Except Those With Preexisting Conditions, For They are Moochers and Takers and Should Have the Decency to Die Somewhere Where We Don’t Have to Look at Them.
Susan Collins and Rand Paul hastily called dibs on the two free Nah votes, leaving half a dozen or so others deciding if they’d rather be held responsible for breaking the biggest, loudest, GOP promise of the last decade, or, y’know, the senseless mass murder of thousands of Americans in the name of letting the Koch brothers add to their collection of pillaged ancient Egyptian mummies.
Dean Heller has to go home and ask his dad. Murkowski, Capito, and Portman have to spend the weekend determining whether or not they’ve been sufficiently bribed. Even Cruz himself is conducting his own whip operation, threatening to spend time socially with any Republicans who oppose the bill.
Anyhow, we need to put this fucker to bed once and for all this weekend, so get on the phones, Resistors.
Marc Kasowitz, Chief Attorney to the Hairplug That Ate Decency, made his own headlines this evening, when ProPublica published an email where he loses his shit all over some dude who was actually giving him the best advice any human being ever gave another, namely QUIT WORKING FOR YOUR SEWER CLOG OF A CLIENT. Kasowitz apologized, and is reportedly struggling with alcoholism, but fuck him anyway for representing that assclown.
To provide a distinct counterpoint to all this humiliating, revolting, tragic, corruption and incompetence, Jimmy Carter required medical treatment today, because he was working his ass off in the hot sun building housing for the less privileged at 92 FUCKING YEARS OLD. Meanwhile the guy we’re stuck with needs a golf cart to get through a parade.
I’m sure I’ve missed some stuff. We’re up to our tits in bat guano, shit is so goddamn nucking futz these days. And fuck, the congressional hearings really heat up next week, so, you know…buy a helmet, folks.
PS….hang on…Peter Smith, the Republican Dirty Trickster from the WSJ story, who tried to collaborate with the Russians to get ahold of Hilldawg’s emails…committed suicide? You are shitting me. You are absolutely shitting me.
I’d very much like to wake up now.