Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Alas, poor Mooch, I (hardly) knew him…
Well, shit. Kind of a slow news day, huh?
Yeah, I seriously scanned my notes, thought, “slow day, I might not even post tonight.” A day like this would’ve made newspapers spontaneously combust in any other administration of my lifetime, but it struck me, for a moment, as almost not interesting enough to comment on.
Standards…they change, do they not?
The Shart of the Deal threw himself a little Twitter tantrum over the weekend, targeting Senators in his own party, bitching about their inability to heartlessly toss millions of citizens off the rolls of the insured, calling them “total fools” and “quitters” and “pathetic losers that Salma Hayek refuses to date,” not that he’s ever projecting when he criticizes people.
He sent Mick Mulvaney out to suggest that the Senate shouldn’t do anything else, pass no budgets, raise no debt ceilings, name nary a Post Office, until they deliver the Obama-shafting triumph that Il Douche is so very desperate for. “I only even RAN for President because a black guy laughed at me!” tantrumed the Shart, pitching his ice cream at the wall, “When do I get to repeal something Obama diiiiiiiiid?”
The President then sobbed for a bit, crapped his pants, and finally curled up for a nap in Steve Bannon’s office, on the couch that smells like gin.
Senators responded to SCROTUS’ demands with a rousing “Nah,” because nobody respects or fears his comically ineffectual White House anymore, which is pretty typical for six months in, right? Aging detective novel murderer Orrin Hatch even gave an interview saying “Jesus Fuck, have you MET the Senate Republican caucus? Tell you what, YOU sit in a room with Ted Cruz and Rand Paul for ten minutes without killing yourself, let alone figuring out complex policy shit. Fuck you man, I miss Ted Kennedy,” before punching himself in the temple until he passed out.
(How bad is it for Team Shart? Shit, even cartoonishly-Republican-leaning Rasmussen Reports has his approval/disapproval at 39/61 today, with a paltry 26% strongly approving. Given Ras’ conservative bias, that means Drumpf’s actual support is down to just gun store owners, Uncles Who Don’t Get Invited to Thanksgiving Anymore, and That One Gym Teacher Who Got Fired For Putting a Camera in the Locker Room.)
Paul Ryan took a few shots of his own, saying his House of Representatives is the only arm of government that’s working, I guess because they passed a shit bill with 17% approval that will annihilate his majority and end his speakership in a year and half, despite never ever ever becoming law. LEADERSHIP!
Oh hell, didja see that thing where a bunch the lying, thieving, murdering, scumfucks in the Shittiest Cabinet Ever have themselves a little Bible study group? For fuck’s sake, if it’s not these dirtbags gathered in a circle, quaking in fear over their own rapidly-approaching damnation, they must be working from a different Bible than the one I remember from Sunday school. Seriously…Sessions, Perry, Pruitt, DeVos, Perdue, Price and Pompeo? Hope they meet in a lightning-proof room.
Oh, I see that America’s
Toughest Sheriff Surliest Jagoff, Joe Arpaio went and got himself convicted of criminal contempt! Arizona Joe faces up to six months in prison, no word on whether he’ll be forced to serve it wearing pink panties in the blazing sun. Me, I think six months locked in a Lollapalooza outhouse oughtta reform the old fucker. Couldn’t happen to a nastier old fuckhead, so congrats!
And speaking of shitty things happening to shitty people, the Mooch got canned, before he could even lay claim to Sean Spicer’s contraband mini-fridge! One minute you’re sweeping rivals out of the White House, giddily preparing to manipulate the Idiot Manchild Occupying the Oval Office for your own ends, the next you’re divorced, unemployed, and the single most mocked man in America! Life comes atcha FAST, amiright?
Mooch’s defenestration allegedly came at the behest of shiny new Chief of Staff, John Kelly. CNN celebrated Kelly’s swearing-in by publishing a report claiming he almost resigned over Jazzy Jim Comey’s firing. I bet that’ll make his new boss super-happy, and that they’ll got on to pass tons of legislation together, and make America great, and that Dorito Mussolini will never, ever, EVER throw his new toy general under the bus, because he’s changed now, and he really loves you, John.
Foreign Policy tells us that Jared Kushner is leaning HARD into the how-could-we-have-colluded-look-how-fucking-stupid-we-are-I-stabbed-myself-in-the-face-six-times-just-trying-to-eat-a-salad defense. While I don’t expect this to work in the end, to his credit Jar-Jar plays the Massive Blundering Dumbass part convincingly enough to earn De Niro’s envy.
Jeff Flake, Junior Senator from Arizona, escalated his war with the Marmalade Shartcannon, and throwing the gauntlet in a Politico editorial. Now, smarter folks than me are saying “Hey, words are kewl, Jeff, but what’re you gonna DO?” but considering Shartboy has already threatened to finance a primary challenger for Flake, this is certainly a subplot worth following. Is this posturing, or is the GOP finally starting to seriously turn on the Anthropomorphic Outhouse? Time will tell.
What’s this now? A late-breaking WaPo story sez that Shart Jr’s initial statement responding to the Failing New York Times’ story about his meeting with all those Russians and their anti-Hilldawg intel (you remember the one that turned out to weapons-grade horseshit?) was personally dictated by Toupee Fiasco himself.
Now, ME, if I were under investigation for obstruction of justice, I’d probably be a little more careful about, y’know…OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, but then I am not a freakishly-tiny-fingered, too-long-tie-wearing, bloated rectal tumor of a human being, so what do I know?
Aaaaaand, just when you think you’re done laughing at the clowns for the day, along comes Jake Tapper, with an encore. Diet Rambo reports that a British digital prankster, a veritable e-Pagliacci* tricked a number of Shart House officials into believing s/he was other Shart House officials, because we are being governed by the dumbest fuckers walking the fucking planet. Jon Huntsman, Eric Trump, Homeland Security Advisor Tom Bossert, and the dearly departed Mooch were among the puddin’-headed victims. I’m sure these people can handle North Korea. Sleep tight.
And Corey Lewandowski got fired. That’s nice. Did you get fired today? No? See, you’re having a better day than Lewandowski or Scaramucci. You deserve a cupcake. With sprinkles.
I’m sure I missed some shit. It was a slow news day, I let my guard down. Did I see Jill Stein made an ass of herself? Fuck it, I’m going to bed. Maybe I can Rip Van Winkle this shit, wake up when the lunacy has passed…
…like I’d be that lucky. Anyhow. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Shower Cap out.
* That’s just about the highfalutinest joke I could ever hope to make. Tip your waitstaff.