The White House is a Dump and the Statue of Liberty is Wrong and George Washington Was a CUCK, right? RIGHT?

Hey everybody. Are you like me? Are you contemplating installing windshield wipers on your eyelids to keep the never-ending hurricane of batguano from pelting you into blindness?

It’s understandable. Now more than ever before…shit be cray. Let’s dig in.

While the Shart Administration struggled to stay on message during “Made in America Week” and “Infrastructure Week,” “Whites Only Week” is going swimmingly!

Yes, with his approval ratings in the crapper, and his dreams of shafting Obama by repealing his signature health care legislation crashing and burning like Stephen Miller at a singles bar, Misshapen Traffic Cone/Improbable American President Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Failure”) has decided to get back to the one thing he does well: telling shitty white folks that brown people are fucking up their lives, and isn’t that a machete-wielding undocumented immigrant leering in your living room window right now?

Apparently the Justice Department wants to rearrange some resources to finally address the scourge of discrimination in college admissions…against white people!

Yessir, Jeff Sessions wants you to know that even if you’re a malicious, walnut-brained goon, you can grow up to be Attorney General of the Whole Dang United States…so long as you’re white! Ol’ Beauregard wants to inspire the rage-filled, basement-dwelling mediocrities of today to become oppressive drug warriors of tomorrow! I hear he’s offering an internship program where high school bullies can spend their summers helping southern cops pretend to smell marijuana during traffic stops so they can seize poor minorities’ assets.

Now, Justice denies this, and considering this administration’s established track record for honesty, I think we should treat that denial appropriately. Don’t forget to flush when you’re done.

And of course the Anthropomorphic Outhouse signed onto a Tom Cotton/David Perdue bill that would cut legal immigration in half, breaking yet another campaign promise, in order to placate the Richard Spencer crowd. (The half that still gets to come in can wash dishes at Marm-a-Lago, of course.)

The NAACP issued a travel advisory for, not a dangerous foreign country, but fucking MISSOURI in reaction to the recently-passed law increasing the burden of proof for cases of discrimination based on protected classes like race or gender. What wondrous times we live in. It’s like whole swaths of America get to operate as 50’s-themed amusement parks. Kids, tell your parents to take you to JimCrowLand! Five dollars off admission with a Chick-fil-A wrapper!

Anyway. We’re getting all kinds of stories about new Chief of Staff John Kelly whippin’ the Shart House into shape, aren’t we? Word is, Il Douche is paying attention in meetings now, and –

Hold up. Is this, finally, what we’ve come to, not even 200 days in? The President, rather than chewing on paste and sending unsolicited dick pics to instagram celebrities, is PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS JOB SOMETIMES.

Is this the mountain we’re so proud to climb now? Is this what American Exceptionalism has settled for? We won two World Wars. We put a man on the ever-lovin’ MOON. We made Frankie Muniz a millionaire.

But now, the thing we’re supposed to feel good about is that President Turdweasel sat still for half an hour. EVERYBODY STAND UP AND SING TOBY KEITH SONGS WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND, GODDAMMIT.

While I’m not entirely comfortable with all the military personnel occupying positions of power, at least we’re getting some welcome news in the form of the batshittier members of the National Security team getting kicked to the curb.

Ezra Cohen-Watnick, the scumfuck who collaborated with Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes to fabricate support for Shartboy’s claim that Obama was tapping his phones and microwaves and tooth fillings, got fired tonight. YAY.

Some lunatic named Rich Higgins also got cut, for writing and circulating a paranoid memo arguing that a coalition of Islamists and Leftist Deep Staters and Pastry Chefs and Floating Little Fat People were constantly conspiring to undermine Drumpfy-Poo. Great that he’s gone, more than passingly horrifying that he was in government in the first place.

Anyhow, there are fewer lunatic Breitbart Bannonites making our national security decisions, and that, at least, is good gnus. And we found out that Kelly and Secretary of Defense Mattis made a pact to split SCROTAL babysitting duties between them, so the Idiot Manchild President can’t start a nuclear war just because Kellyanne let his diaper fill up, so that’s good. I think.

Anyhow, getting back to the pathetic stuff:

President Shartcannon got caught making up two phone calls, one with the President of Mexico, one with the Boy Scouts of America, in which they allegedly heaped praise on him for his deft speechifyin’, and his entirely non-freakish finger length.

Also, Donnie Darko decided to avoid the humiliation of a veto override, and signed the Russian sanctions bill. Now, that might not sound like big news to you, but imagine if YOU had to walk into YOUR boss’ office and announce you’d signed off on sanctioning HIM. Not so funny now, is it. IS IT?!?! (Yes, it is.)

To rub a little salt in the wound, Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev tweeted at Smallhands Magoo, mocking him for getting cucked so hard by Democracy and the legislature and whatnot. Doesn’t it help you sleep better, knowing that foreign adversaries know that they can undermine our democracy by getting under our President’s millimeter-thin skin? Someday Putin will suggest Nancy Pelosi impugned Drumpf’s sexual capacity, and then we’ll be in the shit for real.

Speaking of Russia, Rex Tillerson is apparently declining funds allocated to combat Russian disinformation, because…because Fuck American Democracy, I’m a Muthafuckin’ Plutocraaaaaaat!! or something. Shit, why should the Secretary of State do anything to protect the country he serves, amiright?

Rex is also playing around with dropping the promotion of Democracy from State’s Mission Statement. Thank all the heavens that the second-place popular vote finisher ushered in a new American age, where our nation doesn’t even stand for fucking DEMOCRACY anymore. We’ll be great again any minute now, I can feel it.

Oh, and hey, I guess Dorito Mussolini tells his golf buddies that he hates staying at the White House, because it’s such a “dump!” Just fills your heart with patriotic pride, doesn’t it? Remember when the right got on Obama for failing to wear a sufficiently large flag pin? Fun times, those.

Paul Ryan cut a little fanfic video for Boss Shart’s Big Stupid Wall, because he’s spineless and obsequious and apparently worried that there might be somebody, somewhere in America, who still respects him.

And I guess Dancing With the Stars Reject Rick Perry is being considered for the freshly-vacated Homeland Security Secretary post? Jesus fucking Christ. Remember when he didn’t know his current job entailed overseeing our nuclear arsenal? I’m sitting here imaging what this clown doesn’t know about DHS, and it makes me want to build a motherfucking fallout shelter.

Apparently Shartolo Colon decided to take a stab at Uncle Vlad’s state-run media shtick, with his daughter-in-law hosting a little facebook session airing the usual grievances about the mainstream media and what have you. If America chooses to collectively sit at the foot of a human being who would voluntarily share her life with Eric Trump, well, I suppose we deserve what we get.

The polls continue to serve as a regular taint-jackhammer to the Hairplug That Ate Decency. He hit 33% in Q today, and even non-college-educated whites are starting to catch on to the con. Tick tock, campers…the day when we all get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS rapidly approacheth.

We got a special treat at the press briefing this afternoon, as Malevolent Forehead Demon Stephen Miller took the stage!

Miller, somehow an avowed white supremacist despite spending his whole life being, y’know…STEPHEN MILLER, touted the ridiculously racist Cotton/Perdue bill that has zero chance of actually becoming law, because when you can’t accomplish things, talking about the things you’d like to do is about as close to Winning as you can get.

One of the fun things about Miller is his incredulous bitchiness when confronted by anyone who suggests his personal, insecurity-driven racism is anything less than universally-accepted truth. He screeched at Glenn Thrush for showing a little basic humanity, and he REALLY lost his shit at Jim Acosta, taking sides against THE STATUE OF FUCKING LIBERTY because it is a Cuck Statue that should be giving the finger instead of holding a torch, and instead of Emma Lazarus’ poem it should have Ann Coulter’s latest ragetweet, and then he screamed for twenty minutes about how he is a white man and he should be treated like a king instead of having to pay $200 and also wear a bag over his head just to get a woman to hug him.

Anyhow. Then Sarah Huckabee Sanders came out to defend her boss for lying about compliments from the Boy Scouts, because that’s what we do now, I guess. She did invite a kid to the White House, to meet…the groundskeeper. Because the President is too busy golfing with oligarchs to meet you, ya little piece of shit.

And I guess Yertle’s gonna start the August recess a little early, cuz they can’t accomplish anything anyway, so why spend more time with Ted Cruz? I feel that, actually.

The Daily Beast reports that back in the once-upon-a-time days of Shart-O’s attempted travel ban, his DHS ordered its employees to stonewall immigration lawyers and members of congress.

Horrifying. But I tell ya, Resisters…when I think back to that genuinely terrifying would-be power grab, and how we stood up, as a nation, and said FUCK NO…I’m proud of us. If they’d have gotten away with what they were trying to get away with that day…God only knows where we’d be today. But they didn’t.

And now the Vatican is laying the smack down on faux-Catholic shitsacks for making an “alliance of hate” with the Shart Regime? Daaaaaaaamn. Party at my place for Bannon’s excommunication, kids.

There’s more, I know. This post is like, seven inches too long, and I didn’t even get to everything. That’s how deep into Arkham we all are these days. And tomorrow, you’ll wake up, grab your phone, and there’ll be a push notification from CNN announcing that the President declared war on Rohan or some shit.

Whatever. Bring it. COME AT ME, NEWS!