Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The White House is a Dump and the Statue of Liberty is Wrong and George Washington Was a CUCK, right? RIGHT?
Hey everybody. Are you like me? Are you contemplating installing windshield wipers on your eyelids to keep the never-ending hurricane of batguano from pelting you into blindness?
It’s understandable. Now more than ever before…shit be cray. Let’s dig in.
While the Shart Administration struggled to stay on message during “Made in America Week” and “Infrastructure Week,” “Whites Only Week” is going swimmingly!
Yes, with his approval ratings in the crapper, and his dreams of shafting Obama by repealing his signature health care legislation crashing and burning like Stephen Miller at a singles bar, Misshapen Traffic Cone/Improbable American President Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Failure”) has decided to get back to the one thing he does well: telling shitty white folks that brown people are fucking up their lives, and isn’t that a machete-wielding undocumented immigrant leering in your living room window right now?
Apparently the Justice Department wants to rearrange some resources to finally address the scourge of discrimination in college admissions…against white people!
Yessir, Jeff Sessions wants you to know that even if you’re a malicious, walnut-brained goon, you can grow up to be Attorney General of the Whole Dang United States…so long as you’re white! Ol’ Beauregard wants to inspire the rage-filled, basement-dwelling mediocrities of today to become oppressive drug warriors of tomorrow! I hear he’s offering an internship program where high school bullies can spend their summers helping southern cops pretend to smell marijuana during traffic stops so they can seize poor minorities’ assets.
Now, Justice denies this, and considering this administration’s established track record for honesty, I think we should treat that denial appropriately. Don’t forget to flush when you’re done.
And of course the Anthropomorphic Outhouse signed onto a Tom Cotton/David Perdue bill that would cut legal immigration in half, breaking yet another campaign promise, in order to placate the Richard Spencer crowd. (The half that still gets to come in can wash dishes at Marm-a-Lago, of course.)
The NAACP issued a travel advisory for, not a dangerous foreign country, but fucking MISSOURI in reaction to the recently-passed law increasing the burden of proof for cases of discrimination based on protected classes like race or gender. What wondrous times we live in. It’s like whole swaths of America get to operate as 50’s-themed amusement parks. Kids, tell your parents to take you to JimCrowLand! Five dollars off admission with a Chick-fil-A wrapper!
Anyway. We’re getting all kinds of stories about new Chief of Staff John Kelly whippin’ the Shart House into shape, aren’t we? Word is, Il Douche is paying attention in meetings now, and –
Hold up. Is this, finally, what we’ve come to, not even 200 days in? The President, rather than chewing on paste and sending unsolicited dick pics to instagram celebrities, is PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS JOB SOMETIMES.
Is this the mountain we’re so proud to climb now? Is this what American Exceptionalism has settled for? We won two World Wars. We put a man on the ever-lovin’ MOON. We made Frankie Muniz a millionaire.
But now, the thing we’re supposed to feel good about is that President Turdweasel sat still for half an hour. EVERYBODY STAND UP AND SING TOBY KEITH SONGS WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND, GODDAMMIT.
While I’m not entirely comfortable with all the military personnel occupying positions of power, at least we’re getting some welcome news in the form of the batshittier members of the National Security team getting kicked to the curb.
Ezra Cohen-Watnick, the scumfuck who collaborated with Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes to fabricate support for Shartboy’s claim that Obama was tapping his phones and microwaves and tooth fillings, got fired tonight. YAY.
Some lunatic named Rich Higgins also got cut, for writing and circulating a paranoid memo arguing that a coalition of Islamists and Leftist Deep Staters and Pastry Chefs and Floating Little Fat People were constantly conspiring to undermine Drumpfy-Poo. Great that he’s gone, more than passingly horrifying that he was in government in the first place.
Anyhow, there are fewer lunatic Breitbart Bannonites making our national security decisions, and that, at least, is good gnus. And we found out that Kelly and Secretary of Defense Mattis made a pact to split SCROTAL babysitting duties between them, so the Idiot Manchild President can’t start a nuclear war just because Kellyanne let his diaper fill up, so that’s good. I think.
Anyhow, getting back to the pathetic stuff:
President Shartcannon got caught making up two phone calls, one with the President of Mexico, one with the Boy Scouts of America, in which they allegedly heaped praise on him for his deft speechifyin’, and his entirely non-freakish finger length.
Also, Donnie Darko decided to avoid the humiliation of a veto override, and signed the Russian sanctions bill. Now, that might not sound like big news to you, but imagine if YOU had to walk into YOUR boss’ office and announce you’d signed off on sanctioning HIM. Not so funny now, is it. IS IT?!?! (Yes, it is.)
To rub a little salt in the wound, Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev tweeted at Smallhands Magoo, mocking him for getting cucked so hard by Democracy and the legislature and whatnot. Doesn’t it help you sleep better, knowing that foreign adversaries know that they can undermine our democracy by getting under our President’s millimeter-thin skin? Someday Putin will suggest Nancy Pelosi impugned Drumpf’s sexual capacity, and then we’ll be in the shit for real.
Speaking of Russia, Rex Tillerson is apparently declining funds allocated to combat Russian disinformation, because…because Fuck American Democracy, I’m a Muthafuckin’ Plutocraaaaaaat!! or something. Shit, why should the Secretary of State do anything to protect the country he serves, amiright?
Rex is also playing around with dropping the promotion of Democracy from State’s Mission Statement. Thank all the heavens that the second-place popular vote finisher ushered in a new American age, where our nation doesn’t even stand for fucking DEMOCRACY anymore. We’ll be great again any minute now, I can feel it.
Oh, and hey, I guess Dorito Mussolini tells his golf buddies that he hates staying at the White House, because it’s such a “dump!” Just fills your heart with patriotic pride, doesn’t it? Remember when the right got on Obama for failing to wear a sufficiently large flag pin? Fun times, those.
Paul Ryan cut a little fanfic video for Boss Shart’s Big Stupid Wall, because he’s spineless and obsequious and apparently worried that there might be somebody, somewhere in America, who still respects him.
And I guess Dancing With the Stars Reject Rick Perry is being considered for the freshly-vacated Homeland Security Secretary post? Jesus fucking Christ. Remember when he didn’t know his current job entailed overseeing our nuclear arsenal? I’m sitting here imaging what this clown doesn’t know about DHS, and it makes me want to build a motherfucking fallout shelter.
Apparently Shartolo Colon decided to take a stab at Uncle Vlad’s state-run media shtick, with his daughter-in-law hosting a little facebook session airing the usual grievances about the mainstream media and what have you. If America chooses to collectively sit at the foot of a human being who would voluntarily share her life with Eric Trump, well, I suppose we deserve what we get.
The polls continue to serve as a regular taint-jackhammer to the Hairplug That Ate Decency. He hit 33% in Q today, and even non-college-educated whites are starting to catch on to the con. Tick tock, campers…the day when we all get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS rapidly approacheth.
We got a special treat at the press briefing this afternoon, as Malevolent Forehead Demon Stephen Miller took the stage!
Miller, somehow an avowed white supremacist despite spending his whole life being, y’know…STEPHEN MILLER, touted the ridiculously racist Cotton/Perdue bill that has zero chance of actually becoming law, because when you can’t accomplish things, talking about the things you’d like to do is about as close to Winning as you can get.
One of the fun things about Miller is his incredulous bitchiness when confronted by anyone who suggests his personal, insecurity-driven racism is anything less than universally-accepted truth. He screeched at Glenn Thrush for showing a little basic humanity, and he REALLY lost his shit at Jim Acosta, taking sides against THE STATUE OF FUCKING LIBERTY because it is a Cuck Statue that should be giving the finger instead of holding a torch, and instead of Emma Lazarus’ poem it should have Ann Coulter’s latest ragetweet, and then he screamed for twenty minutes about how he is a white man and he should be treated like a king instead of having to pay $200 and also wear a bag over his head just to get a woman to hug him.
Anyhow. Then Sarah Huckabee Sanders came out to defend her boss for lying about compliments from the Boy Scouts, because that’s what we do now, I guess. She did invite a kid to the White House, to meet…the groundskeeper. Because the President is too busy golfing with oligarchs to meet you, ya little piece of shit.
And I guess Yertle’s gonna start the August recess a little early, cuz they can’t accomplish anything anyway, so why spend more time with Ted Cruz? I feel that, actually.
The Daily Beast reports that back in the once-upon-a-time days of Shart-O’s attempted travel ban, his DHS ordered its employees to stonewall immigration lawyers and members of congress.
Horrifying. But I tell ya, Resisters…when I think back to that genuinely terrifying would-be power grab, and how we stood up, as a nation, and said FUCK NO…I’m proud of us. If they’d have gotten away with what they were trying to get away with that day…God only knows where we’d be today. But they didn’t.
And now the Vatican is laying the smack down on faux-Catholic shitsacks for making an “alliance of hate” with the Shart Regime? Daaaaaaaamn. Party at my place for Bannon’s excommunication, kids.
There’s more, I know. This post is like, seven inches too long, and I didn’t even get to everything. That’s how deep into Arkham we all are these days. And tomorrow, you’ll wake up, grab your phone, and there’ll be a push notification from CNN announcing that the President declared war on Rohan or some shit.
Whatever. Bring it. COME AT ME, NEWS!