Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
And So Here We Are, Watching a Crazy Man Wave a Toy Badge Around, Calling It “Politics”
If you’re just tuning in, and O how I envy your blissful ignorance if you are, a substantial chunk of the American electorate has gone quite insane, and seems determined to stay that way. They simply will not be enticed from the madhouse, though it is filling with sewage and infested with angry badgers and also on fire. It’s the damndest thing.
From a certain angle, the United States is a public pool, one we must all share, and I just wish dudes like Kanye West and Elon Musk would stop peeing in it. Or maybe the trouble is the people who like the pee. People who, in fact, only come to the pool at all to get pissed on by fit-pitching celebrity dipshits. Republicans, in other words.
Kanye. Elon. Trump.
That’s what the House Judiciary Committee GOP tweeted out, and since no “name a more emotionally-stunted trio of asshats” follow-up ever arrived, one can only assume their intentions were complimentary. Neither Musk’s Dunning-Kruger diplomacy dress-up, nor Ye’s anti-Semitic freakout seem to have prompted anyone involved to reevaluate this proclamation of allegiance, and all I’m saying is Republicans are bad at choosing role models, and more people should say so.
Take Mike Flynn, for example, recruiting an “army of God” from amongst Christian nationalism‘s most pliable rubes. Or Roger Stone, who certainly sounds tougher salivating to “get right to the violence” than melting down into a puddle of softboi rage when his second pardon fails to materialize.
Or that one guy. Mouth like a butthole. Never quite figured out how pants work. Used to be President, I think. Poor role models, these men.
Somehow, Off-Brand Orbán’s rallies keep getting dumber and racister, which, now that I think of it, must be what happens to any room Tommy Tuberville enters, but still.
Certainly no semi-fascists in the crowd that went apeshit over election-denying Nevada Secretary of State candidate Jim Marchant’s proposal to predetermine the results of the 2024 presidential election. Or anywhere in a party ruled by Big Lies and bigger liars.
And you know you’re in a healthy democracy when you see stories about Marjorie Taylor Greene belching up the white nationalist “Great Replacement” theory at a Trump rally alongside ones about Marjorie Taylor Greene working her way back into Kevin McCarthy’s good graces.
Boy, lately we’ve been getting a nice, leisurely tour of K-Dog’s many deficiencies, haven’t we? Kevin McCarthy is so perfectly, cartoonishly unfit for the job he seeks, and may soon attain, that he feels like a lazy writer’s device, like the antagonist in some direct-to-video Shrek sequel.
Marjorie Taylor Greene should not be a difficult ethical test to pass. She is a raging anti-Semite and a habitual inciter of violence, and dumber than a bucket of mallets to boot. Seriously, Kev, this is one of the easy ones, they’re not even asking you to identify a drawing of a horsey or anything. You are not a strong enough man to steer a fucking dinghy during a storm of this magnitude. Stand the fuck down before anybody else gets hurt, you weaselly little nothing.
They’re already emitting piercing, giddy shrieks about government shutdowns, of course. Boy, that little ritual’ll be extra fun with vindictively regressive proto-fascists at the table, won’t it? Let’s let Lauren Boebert decide whether to raise the debt ceiling or not, that’ll turn out well.
An explosive new report from the crack team over at Sean Hannity’s fading I Hate All the Same People Tucker Carlson Does Remember Me? Show revealed that President Biden…oh, I hesitate to even say it…loves his son. I apologize for exposing the reader to such disturbing words and ideas, and I humbly beg your forgiveness.
Let us cleanse our minds of the preceding unpleasantness with a far more virtuous example of fatherhood: Herschel Walker. Rick Scott and Tom Cotton lent their Lugosian charms to his meth den trash fire Senate campaign, where they were treated to a folksy little fable about a bull who could probably teach us all a lot about life, if only Herschel Walker’s brain worked well enough to tell a story.
John Durham’s latest sad, sordid attempt to wring something resembling relevance out of his caffeine-free Shasta special counsel investigation arrived at the fighting-with-your-own-witness-and-losing stage almost immediately, which was pretty darn hilarious…and then it got worse.
Tulsi Gabbard emerged to beg for attention this week, and didn’t get much. Moving on.
The persecution of Alex Jones continued, and it’s getting so you can’t even build obscene levels of personal wealth by terrorizing survivors of incomprehensible tragedies in this country anymore. It probably struck you as fairly distressing that so many prominent Republicans leapt to such a monstrous taintmaggot’s defense, but you have to remember how essential the right to rile up their feral base with malicious lies has become to their project.
Ted Cruz once again proved that all the Ivy League education in the world doesn’t mean shit once you invite the MAGA brainworms in, uncritically sharing a hoax of the approximate sophistication of Not Actually Throwing the Ball to Confuse the Dog, and maybe automatically believing anything that allows you to hate your political opponents a little more isn’t the best information-filtering strategy for these complicated times. Especially if you’re, y’know…a Senator.
Well, the January 6th commission returned from hiatus with their latest episode of American Horror Story: Recent/Current History. Sure was somethin’, that time the shittiest of all possible game show hosts broke our peaceful transfer of power streak. I liked that streak. We should start a new one.
But yeah, turns out the Turd Reich began plotting Operation: Just Lie About Losing and Hope Nobody Complains months in advance, in case anyone was wondering how the President of the United States spent his time and energy while COVID-19 tore through the world. As always, the strategy relied heavily on loudly demanding the enforcement of imaginary laws, and hey, that’s good enough for Aileen Cannon.
Seems those Secret Service communications the committee got hold of had some tales to tell, huh? Woooooooooo. Somebody oughta look under the hood over there, I’m not sure that organization is operating at maximum efficiency. Sure does chill one to the fucking core, seeing the many, many, (MANY) extremely specific warnings they chose to ignore.
It turns out when you take people who openly fantasize about political violence and feed them a steady diet of bullshit justifications for political violence, what comes out at the end is terrorism, who’d’ve guessed?
Anyway, the committee issued the Dotard a subpoena he’ll blow a few million donor dollars more defying, so now America can get back to waiting for November 8th to see if any of this, or indeed anything at all still matters, which is not as fun as it sounds. Doesn’t really sound fun, I suppose.
Low candidate quality is a knife that cuts both ways when you’re running against a cult that worships mediocrity. You’d think that after a dignity-annihilating performance like the one he gave against Tim Ryan in Ohio, JD Vance would exile himself to some far-flung island, to spend the rest of his days hiding in shame and composing hillbilly porn, but MAGA voters want a groveling sycophant for a Senator, not to make laws or fix problems, but to battle Lindsey Graham for space at the foot of the bed at Mar-a-Lago.
They want Ron Johnson, not in spite of his petty mean-spiritedness but because of it. Not in spite of his pudding-brained susceptibility to conspiracy theories, but because of it. Not in spite of his mold-ridden mind or cancer-chewed soul but…well, you get the picture.
We’ve joked before about whether the pollsters’re appropriately weighting for the sheer number of Republican voters who will be incarcerated for crimes committed in their turd messiah’s name, but between the insurrectionist militia twits and the Antifa Arsoned Me hoaxsters and the Let’s Swing By the School Board Meeting to Lob Death Threats at Trans Kids crowd, it may be worth actually investigating.
Then of course there’s the question of how many of MAGA’s most fervent have dewormed their way to livestock heaven. God love ‘em, they’re still at it, too. That Ladapo quack they installed as Surgeon General of DeSantistan actually used some random, non-peer-reviewed “study” as justification to issue official guidance against vaccination, because that’s just the sort of thing you do when you measure success in mobile morgues.
Um, hope nobody got too attached to Liz Truss. Zounds.
Looks like somebody gave Vlad Putin the most appropriate birthday gift possible, a firm-but-gentle reminder that he has no business going around starting wars or annexing things, but was he grateful? Nooooooooooooooo.
In the latest of a series of acts of strategic petulance destined to be mocked for the remainder of human history, Pootie Tang dipped deep into his dwindling missile stash to put on a little murder show to briefly distract Russia’s bloodthirsty wingnut media from all the defeat n’ humiliation n’ whatnot, with the entirely predictable consequence of earning Zelensky another shopping spree through the ol’ NATO armory. Oh, and Ukraine intercepted more than half your barrage with their old shit, so I hope y’all enjoyed your war crimes, your opponents are more determined and better armed than ever.
Anyway, I’m confident I’ve proven my “bad at picking role models” thesis, so I’m going to proceed to the drinking portion of the evening now. You stay safe, my friends, it’s gettin’ pretty weird out there.
PS – I wasn’t really able to follow the Warnock/Walker debate tonight, but I am pleased to report my sky-high expectations were met and exceeded. Holy crap.