Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Weeks Deep In a Litter Box Hoax, You’re So Nuts You Got Banned From Newsmax? I’m Honestly Impressed.
Not that anybody asked, but life trapped inside the shitty Ken Kesey fanfic that is American society is, um, not awesome. I’m gonna leave such a Yelp review when we come out the other side of this madness.
And we are gonna come out the other side, by the way. Which I only mention because many seem to’ve wandered into one of those of patches of despair n’ defeatism Dems are so fond of wallowing in. I certainly respect such a time-honored tradition, but, y’know…finish up your smoke break, okay? There’s stuff to do.
Because admittedly, Republican batshittery has been accelerating at an absolutely ungoddamnsettling rate. They’re really fuckin’ going for it, the fashy little creeps. One poll goes their way, they get reeeeeeal cocky. Suddenly these platform-averse lightweights can’t stop bragging about their revanchist plans.
It’s not so much a coherent doctrine as a manifesto smeared on the walls in crap. They’re gonna pass a national “don’t say gay” law and hand Ukraine to Putin gift-wrapped and put Fauci on trial and kick Democrats off their committees and then they’re going to make it illegal for Ivermectin to not cure Covid and once that’s all wrapped up, America won’t have any problems at all prosperity forever CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!
Oh, and we can’t forget the debt ceiling. Either Democrats agree to draconian cuts to the safety net, or McCarthy’s gang of incontinent howler monkeys blows up the global economy. I guess we’re pretending there’s some MAGA mandate for Paul Ryan-style austerity? I wouldn’t do that, fellas. If you really wanna try replacing your base’s health insurance with the Hunter Biden’s Laptop Variety Hour, just remember: you’re also the ones that sold them the torches and pitchforks.
“I think that to be the best speaker of the House and to please the base, he’s going to give me a lot of power and a lot of leeway, and if he doesn’t, they’re going to be very unhappy about it.”
Ah, the not-particularly-thinly-veiled threat of mob violence. Wonder where she picked up that trick? Nuthin’ “semi-“ about that, folks. That is a bona fide American fascist, and her star is on the rise.
As she ascends in Republican politics, here in the run-up to the midterms, Marj is bringing her particularly unhinged brand of anti-Semitism with her, with plenty of help from Kanye West, and, of course, the Dotard himself. You knew it would come to this, it always does, but it’s still pretty terrifying to witness.
Speaking of Kanye, there’s nothing quite like the wingnut grifter feeding frenzy that descends on a mentally ill rich dude who loses his Twitter account for hate speech. For the eminently reasonable investment of a couple of tacky t-shirts, Candace Owens bailed out her husband’s somehow-even-crappier-than-Truth-Social online bigot gathering hole…anyway, the line to pick this asshat’s pocket forms to the left.
Boy, if there’s anyone anywhere who is decisively not impressive enough to talk about himself in third person, it’s Utah Senator Mike Lee, but there’s a lot of unearned self-confidence in the Republican Party these days, I suppose.
Somehow, despite deploying sophisticated tactics like “pitching a fit at your own witness,” John Durham lost his pathetic excuse for a case, to the consternation of the seething resentment cult that expected him to have Hillary Clinton in irons by now. JFK Jr.’s not coming back either, sorry. It’s hard on their poor, little minds, because the law’s so different here in the real world than it is in the shows they watch on teevee. The…news shows.
Like, there’re people who watched or heard Joe Rogan and Tulsi Gabbard jabber about furry kid litter boxes, and walked away believing they’d gained valuable information about the world around them. I would be mad if they had kids shitting in litter boxes, too. But that’s not actually happening. So.
I’d be super mad if I thought the Democratic Party was a sinister cabal that trafficked children for satanic rituals, but believing that is like believing Duck Tales is a documentary show.
I can only imagine how furious I’d be if I believed half the shrieking horseshit clogging up Lara Logan’s brain. She got banned from Newsmax, folks. BANNED from NEWSMAX. That’s like getting kicked out of a Mike Lindell sex party for being too creepy.
Anyway, the great thing about made-up problems is they can lessen or worsen or disappear completely, depending on the needs of the moment. Should these bastards take power, they’ll run for re-election swearing they made America great again, cuz you never hear about kids shitting in litter boxes anymore.
Probably their very most favorite fake thing to believe is that there’s no conceivable way voters might reject any of the deranged nincompoops they nominate for office. Tucker Carlson is only too happy to platform Kari Lake’s insidious lie that her victory is the only possible legitimate electoral outcome. And surprise, surprise, you’re already seeing voter harassment in Arizona, by self-deputized vigilante nitwits, trained and deployed by prominent conspiracy theorists, like Cleta Mitchell, John Eastman, and Steve Bannon.
Yes, the same Steve Bannon who just received a 4-month sentence for contempt, and the same John Eastman whose emails were deemed, by a federal judge, to’ve triggered the crime fraud exception to attorney-client privilege. Criminals, is what I’m saying. Criminals are organizing their own, personal voter intimidation armies.
Gosh, Cap, when you put it like that, it sounds kinda scary.
Yeah, it does. Lotta folks on the Right are saying and doing some pretty freaky shit these days. I know it’s horror movie season, but if you really want to send a chill down your spine, check out the shit they’re test-driving over at The Federalist. And “Lauren Boebert is honored to be serving during the end times” laps Wes Craven on his best day.
They’re getting restless over there. They want to get to part where they get to hurt people. They want to start locking up the groomers and the sluts and that internet cow that made fun of Devin Nunes and the BLMers and the deep state and I hope you don’t think this stops because it doesn’t.
You see, they have no choice but to impose their values on the rest of us, for we are sinners and they are godly, anyway, another one of their candidates got arrested, for, um, well, for masturbating next to a preschool playground, but I believe we were discussing Republican moral purity, which we can all agree is beyond reproach.
Gotta appreciate Ron DeSantis’ casual corruption in using Hurricane Ian as an excuse to ease voting rules…but only in Republican areas. Another authoritarian strut down the runway, casting flirty glances at the megadonor class. Same lemon-fresh new power grab scent, with a fraction of the fuss.
I had some really witty, insightful things to say about Liz Truss, but I already can’t remember who she was. Liz Tuss, Lizzzzzzz Trussssss…nope, not ringing any bells, though I feel strangely compelled to make lettuce jokes, and I have the same headache I used to get every time I got cornered by a libertarian at a college party.
In Ukraine, Putin’s now just snatching dudes off the street and feeding them straight into the front line meatgrinder, hoping the West runs out of bullets before he runs out of dudes. Oh, and trying to outsource as much of his debacle as possible to Iran, before that regime collapses. Pretty standard superpower shit.
Yeah. It’s a lot. It’s a whole fucking lot, and I get why it’s discouraging, but if it makes you feel any better, the aforementioned real-world legal system has been tap-dancing all over these maniacs’ balls, more or less constantly. From Capitol rioters to saucy subpoena-dodgers like Lindsey Graham, the slow n’ steady law keeps catching up to these fucks.
Especially the chap on the other end of that attorney-client privilege exception. So many depositions and dismissals, people have trouble figuring out where to send the new subpoenas. I guess he stole highly classified state secrets about China and Iran. Just like he stole from the Secret Service. Or from his own foundation. He’s got a pocketful of purloined restaurant mints right now, I guarantee it. He’s a thief, that’s all, and of the pettiest type imaginable.
…and they worship him for it.
Well, that’s my spooky bedtime story, muah hah hah…hoo. Anyway, I’m hearing the siren song of the hazy IPA I picked up yesterday, so I’ll sign off here. You stay safe out there, we need ya to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, y’know…