- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Weeks Deep In a Litter Box Hoax, You’re So Nuts You Got Banned From Newsmax? I’m Honestly Impressed.
Not that anybody asked, but life trapped inside the shitty Ken Kesey fanfic that is American society is, um, not awesome. I’m gonna leave such a Yelp review when we come out the other side of this madness.
And we are gonna come out the other side, by the way. Which I only mention because many seem to’ve wandered into one of those of patches of despair n’ defeatism Dems are so fond of wallowing in. I certainly respect such a time-honored tradition, but, y’know…finish up your smoke break, okay? There’s stuff to do.
Because admittedly, Republican batshittery has been accelerating at an absolutely ungoddamnsettling rate. They’re really fuckin’ going for it, the fashy little creeps. One poll goes their way, they get reeeeeeal cocky. Suddenly these platform-averse lightweights can’t stop bragging about their revanchist plans.
It’s not so much a coherent doctrine as a manifesto smeared on the walls in crap. They’re gonna pass a national “don’t say gay” law and hand Ukraine to Putin gift-wrapped and put Fauci on trial and kick Democrats off their committees and then they’re going to make it illegal for Ivermectin to not cure Covid and once that’s all wrapped up, America won’t have any problems at all prosperity forever CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!
Oh, and we can’t forget the debt ceiling. Either Democrats agree to draconian cuts to the safety net, or McCarthy’s gang of incontinent howler monkeys blows up the global economy. I guess we’re pretending there’s some MAGA mandate for Paul Ryan-style austerity? I wouldn’t do that, fellas. If you really wanna try replacing your base’s health insurance with the Hunter Biden’s Laptop Variety Hour, just remember: you’re also the ones that sold them the torches and pitchforks.
Anyway, you better give Marjorie Taylor Greene a really fancy uniform, Kev, with tassels and shiny buttons, oh, and POWER, too, lots of it, or you’ll be sorry. Let’s quote her directly:
“I think that to be the best speaker of the House and to please the base, he’s going to give me a lot of power and a lot of leeway, and if he doesn’t, they’re going to be very unhappy about it.”
Ah, the not-particularly-thinly-veiled threat of mob violence. Wonder where she picked up that trick? Nuthin’ “semi-“ about that, folks. That is a bona fide American fascist, and her star is on the rise.
As she ascends in Republican politics, here in the run-up to the midterms, Marj is bringing her particularly unhinged brand of anti-Semitism with her, with plenty of help from Kanye West, and, of course, the Dotard himself. You knew it would come to this, it always does, but it’s still pretty terrifying to witness.
Speaking of Kanye, there’s nothing quite like the wingnut grifter feeding frenzy that descends on a mentally ill rich dude who loses his Twitter account for hate speech. For the eminently reasonable investment of a couple of tacky t-shirts, Candace Owens bailed out her husband’s somehow-even-crappier-than-Truth-Social online bigot gathering hole…anyway, the line to pick this asshat’s pocket forms to the left.
Boy, if there’s anyone anywhere who is decisively not impressive enough to talk about himself in third person, it’s Utah Senator Mike Lee, but there’s a lot of unearned self-confidence in the Republican Party these days, I suppose.
Somehow, despite deploying sophisticated tactics like “pitching a fit at your own witness,” John Durham lost his pathetic excuse for a case, to the consternation of the seething resentment cult that expected him to have Hillary Clinton in irons by now. JFK Jr.’s not coming back either, sorry. It’s hard on their poor, little minds, because the law’s so different here in the real world than it is in the shows they watch on teevee. The…news shows.
Like, there’re people who watched or heard Joe Rogan and Tulsi Gabbard jabber about furry kid litter boxes, and walked away believing they’d gained valuable information about the world around them. I would be mad if they had kids shitting in litter boxes, too. But that’s not actually happening. So.
I’d be super mad if I thought the Democratic Party was a sinister cabal that trafficked children for satanic rituals, but believing that is like believing Duck Tales is a documentary show.
I can only imagine how furious I’d be if I believed half the shrieking horseshit clogging up Lara Logan’s brain. She got banned from Newsmax, folks. BANNED from NEWSMAX. That’s like getting kicked out of a Mike Lindell sex party for being too creepy.
Anyway, the great thing about made-up problems is they can lessen or worsen or disappear completely, depending on the needs of the moment. Should these bastards take power, they’ll run for re-election swearing they made America great again, cuz you never hear about kids shitting in litter boxes anymore.
Probably their very most favorite fake thing to believe is that there’s no conceivable way voters might reject any of the deranged nincompoops they nominate for office. Tucker Carlson is only too happy to platform Kari Lake’s insidious lie that her victory is the only possible legitimate electoral outcome. And surprise, surprise, you’re already seeing voter harassment in Arizona, by self-deputized vigilante nitwits, trained and deployed by prominent conspiracy theorists, like Cleta Mitchell, John Eastman, and Steve Bannon.
Yes, the same Steve Bannon who just received a 4-month sentence for contempt, and the same John Eastman whose emails were deemed, by a federal judge, to’ve triggered the crime fraud exception to attorney-client privilege. Criminals, is what I’m saying. Criminals are organizing their own, personal voter intimidation armies.
Gosh, Cap, when you put it like that, it sounds kinda scary.
Yeah, it does. Lotta folks on the Right are saying and doing some pretty freaky shit these days. I know it’s horror movie season, but if you really want to send a chill down your spine, check out the shit they’re test-driving over at The Federalist. And “Lauren Boebert is honored to be serving during the end times” laps Wes Craven on his best day.
They’re getting restless over there. They want to get to part where they get to hurt people. They want to start locking up the groomers and the sluts and that internet cow that made fun of Devin Nunes and the BLMers and the deep state and I hope you don’t think this stops because it doesn’t.
You see, they have no choice but to impose their values on the rest of us, for we are sinners and they are godly, anyway, another one of their candidates got arrested, for, um, well, for masturbating next to a preschool playground, but I believe we were discussing Republican moral purity, which we can all agree is beyond reproach.
Gotta appreciate Ron DeSantis’ casual corruption in using Hurricane Ian as an excuse to ease voting rules…but only in Republican areas. Another authoritarian strut down the runway, casting flirty glances at the megadonor class. Same lemon-fresh new power grab scent, with a fraction of the fuss.
I had some really witty, insightful things to say about Liz Truss, but I already can’t remember who she was. Liz Tuss, Lizzzzzzz Trussssss…nope, not ringing any bells, though I feel strangely compelled to make lettuce jokes, and I have the same headache I used to get every time I got cornered by a libertarian at a college party.
In Ukraine, Putin’s now just snatching dudes off the street and feeding them straight into the front line meatgrinder, hoping the West runs out of bullets before he runs out of dudes. Oh, and trying to outsource as much of his debacle as possible to Iran, before that regime collapses. Pretty standard superpower shit.
Yeah. It’s a lot. It’s a whole fucking lot, and I get why it’s discouraging, but if it makes you feel any better, the aforementioned real-world legal system has been tap-dancing all over these maniacs’ balls, more or less constantly. From Capitol rioters to saucy subpoena-dodgers like Lindsey Graham, the slow n’ steady law keeps catching up to these fucks.
Especially the chap on the other end of that attorney-client privilege exception. So many depositions and dismissals, people have trouble figuring out where to send the new subpoenas. I guess he stole highly classified state secrets about China and Iran. Just like he stole from the Secret Service. Or from his own foundation. He’s got a pocketful of purloined restaurant mints right now, I guarantee it. He’s a thief, that’s all, and of the pettiest type imaginable.
…and they worship him for it.
Well, that’s my spooky bedtime story, muah hah hah…hoo. Anyway, I’m hearing the siren song of the hazy IPA I picked up yesterday, so I’ll sign off here. You stay safe out there, we need ya to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, y’know…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I’m especially happy to get your blog tonight – my computer has been acting up naughty of late. I was afraid I’d miss out. Your words lighten up the fear and anxiety as the midterms approach, along with the constant political ads, some of which have me yelling the most un-ladylike things imaginable at the TV. Enjoy your IPA and keep doing what you do to keep us all forging ahead – and VOTING!
Already cast my vote by mail ballot, Cap. I look forward to your Friday night rant each week.
I wake up every day with a good feeling of thanks that I live in Australia and not the crazed rabbit hole that the rethugs are trying to make of their place. Some forecasts if the crazies take over next month: end of same-sex marriage, criminalisation of all abortions for the mother and anyone involved, like surgeons, nurses, etc.; automatic murder charges against a woman experiencing a miscarriage and innocence must be proved, contrary to standard legal processes; prevention of any female leaving her home state; African Americans no longer deemed to to be citizens, on the grounds that their ancestors came to America involuntarily; enforced teaching of Christianity in schools, regardless of the child’s actual religion, no other religions mentioned; exit visas required for anyone leaving the USA, regardless of citizenship. Probably more, but I start to get the shakes when I think of what these people are going to do, including weekly impeachments of Joe Biden, no actual crime need be mentioned.
I don’t miss reading Cap’s blog because it helps with my anger over these same issues.
Every single day, I wake up with this free-floating anxiety that has me dreading the use of the tv remote because it opens the portal to the gaping maw of raw sewage that passes for political campaign ads, these days. They’ve shortened all ads to 15 seconds, now, so the tv networks can pack 16 of them into a 4 minute commercial break. Between the machine-gun-fire-rapid recitation of side effects from the newest plaque psoriasis medication to the Medicare Advantage plans packed in pairs, there’s a bandolier of 12 campaign ads in each break, most often back-to back for the same rabid candidate screaming the possibility of the end of civilization as we know it if we vote for their demonstrably evil opponent. Needless to say, the most histrionic displays are made on behalf of GOPer trolls seeking to infect our body politic with their special brand of magma-hot venom towards anyone that might possibly want to do something to benefit the average American, or save their lives by escaping the hellish landscape of their war-torn, drug-and-crime-infested homelands. Propaganda works. Sound-bite-sized hatred is convincing if you’re free of accurate information, or reluctant to look for some. We’re in trouble, but the struggle continues.
Me— I got my sandwich board & it walks aroundAsheville NC: HAD AN ABORTION? VOTE 4 a DEMOCRAT—- complemented by a coat hanger like u get at the cleaners— with paper—& same statement. They can tear out the paper but the hangar is inserted in a hole on the main Asheville PAC Square stop sign— the end which is held by a slip tie with super glue. Don’t take me alive.
Thanks again Cap
Sure, most of us will come out the other side of all this madness…but to what? We’ll still have the willfully blind and ignorant, the greedy and stupid, faux news and deranged assholes. I appreciate what you do, pointing and laughing at these morons, but I truly believe we will not recognize America in another 5 years or so. Looking at our history, is it worth saving?
Yes, it’s worth saving. Steppenwolf, the band, believed that “despite all the things that are wrong with our country, there are too many good things worth saving to let it all go down the drain”. . .
I understand despair and discouragement, and this world breeds them like MAGgots (kudos to another responder, nice one, brother or sister), but America, despite its racism and greed, needs to be saved for another generation or ten. Or a hundred, if we can stop the oil companies from destroying the planet entirely.
If we don’t rally to save America, how can we look in the mirror and call ourselves Americans? There are lots of morons who think burning it all down and attempting to rebuild it all from ash and char is a great idea, but they’re morons, and unAmerican to boot. No matter how often a moron calls him- or her- self a ‘patriot’, they’re still morons with delusions of grandeur.
Working to fix the actual problems of America is what patriots do. Working to protect everyone, and make sure everyone has a fair share and an equal say is what patriots do. Attempting to whip up the stupid to do stupid things is not only NOT patriotic, it is the utter antithesis of patriotism.
A person of that time is reputed to have asked Leonardo da Vinci what the purpose of mankind was. After a few moments of serious thought, he is reputed to have replied, “The great mass of Mankind are naught but intricate machines for the turning of food into shit.”
Fast forward to today, when fascists like Greene, Gosar and Boebert (and many, many others) are making his case. The best thing we can say about the majority of Repugnican politicians is that with so many walking fertilizer plants in our country, finding food for our agriculture should not be a problem in the near future. Um, take that as you prefer, for those of you with a different idea of how the aforementioned ‘patriots’ should be used to feed our crops. . .
So, feel disgusted, despairing and disillusioned all you want, but never, EVER give up. The one thing that ensures evil will triumph is for good, caring people to look on and fail to oppose it. Vote for Democrats, the best ones you can find, get your friends to vote for Democrats, and do your best to make sure that, four years from now, ‘republican’ is a word no one uses anymore, because there are no more of the lying scumbuckets in our government.
Or sit back, vote with your indifference and apathy, and help the Repugnicans bring a new Fascist country into existence where America used to be.
It’s up to the people of America which future comes to pass, and whether the world dies in fire or is reborn. Repugnicans will kill most of the world, their oil-billionaire masters will gleefully help them kill nine out of ten of us, and they’ll blame Democrats for it all, if we let them.
As I said at the beginning, I understand despair and discouragement, and believe I understand it better than most. I still haven’t given up, won’t give up even after I breathe my last, and pray that there are enough Americans like me to save this country from the stupid, the nihilistic, the greedy and the uncaring.
It’s worth saving.
Henry Rinehart
Dropping my ballot off today…Oregon has mail-in voting, no postage required, but I still take it to the official drop box.
If people would only THINK THINGS THROUGH, then maybe these facist MAGgots would be driven into the sea. Alas, if history repeats itself, they wont. All these MAGgots keep spewing simple answers to complex questions…typically blaming someone else for their ills…like immigrants, Jewish people, Democrats , the homeless etc. And the rubes lap it up and end up voting against their own self interest. People are too stupid to know how stupid they are!
I’m in California, and way back when, we pretty much made it a state law that everyone gets mailed a mail-in ballot, to be returned in many, many, many ways (’cause, you know, COVID was rampaging throughout THE MOST POPULATED STATE IN THE COUNTRY, WITH THE MOST ELECTORAL VOTES, THAT ALWAYS GETS DISMISSED IN FEDERAL ELECTIONS — sorry, just had to get that rant off my chest that I’ve had since Carter quit before our polls finished closing), including at one’s local Post Office. Not trusting the P.O. all that much nowadays, I too walked it right into the lobby and made sure it successfully got into the Metered Mail (being pre-paid postage) slot. 🙂
Personally, I’m still hoping and praying that more states will jump on a bandwagon currently going around, and hopefully before 2024: that if enough states to make up 270 idiotic electoral votes actually agree to make sure whoever wins the popular vote in their state automatically gets all their electoral votes…well. 🙂 We’ll have reformed the idiotic “College” without having to touch a hair on its hoary, sacred, entrenched-in-the-Constitution-for-whatever-peculiar-reason head. ;->
And who knows? Maybe politicians will give a flying fuck about who gets our FIFTY-FIVE electoral votes, rather than what someplace like Bumfuckistan with like 6. ;->
Vote vote vote!
We can’t let these deranged people run our government! So scary!
HAZY IPAs ARE THE DEVIL’S WORK!
It’s DOUBLE IPA or NOTHING!
Praise the God of Lagunitas.
You’ll never catch me alive! MUAHAHAHA!
Hey Cap, great summary of our current decline! Will the GQP be happy when theocracy mutates with non tax paying corporations, crushes the American dream, turns ‘Murica into a shit hole country, and manages to remove most of our cherished rights? No, they’ll be happy when their violence and ‘leadership’ brings the death of Democracy. Dumb bastards just gotta hate on the common good, shit all over our republic and worship a criminal flaccid failure with tiny digits and a negative IQ. Deplorables, indeed! The bar is pretty fucking low-vote for reality or vote for the Returdlickan death spiral…the willfully blind and brainwashed just might makes us a third world country yet, Cap. Oh, by the way, Elon Musk can go fuck himself on Mars.
Yo, Cappie: Your respondents seem to still have not lost their faith in the system. My applause, however isn’t ringing out.
By the by, ever wonder when on tv you see pictures of other countries, and might notice they occur in, very interestingly up to date surroundings, unlike what you see of murkin cities and buildings which mostly look shabby, unless it’s a billionaire’s neighborhood. Murka shabby? YUP, kids. Third rate nation in which the billionaires have cornered all the cash.
XOXOXO