Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Another entry in the American Madness Journal…
Yeah yeah, we all woke up in a world where some rich dude got elected to congress the day after body-slamming a reporter*. It sucks, and of course the media loves to trot out smug idiots in their Funyon-stained TRUMP THAT BITCH sweatshirts to talk about how All Them Reporters Haz it Comin’, but you know what? Every single congressional district except ONE isn’t in Montana, and they’re all up for grabs in a year and a half.
So get busy resistin’ or get busy dyin’, says I.
And if you need a little pick-me-up, you can take a moment to delight in all the advertisers fleeing Sean Hannity’s show like a Depeche Mode concert where they announce they’re only doing shit from the last two albums. Sean announced a snap vacation, presumably to check to see that all his Horcruxes are still safe.
There was that little thing where a Florida GOP operative openly confessed to colluding with Russian hacker Guccifer 2.0 in leaking DCCC documents, and then Guccifer sent Roger Stone a link to the colluder’s blog. Basically, we’re now officially one small step from proving collusion between Russia and the Shart campaign and I haven’t been this aroused since I was a kid watching the Madonna scenes in DICK TRACY.
Orange Julius Caesar continues to stumble around Europe like a spoiled toddler in suburban shopping mall. He’s pushing foreign heads of state around so he can get to the front of the line because his mommy told him he was the Specialest Boy and Is Montenegro a Real Country Anyway, and telling everyone how Germany is Bad and Arnold Schwarzenegger got worse ratings on the Apprentice than he did.
After taking extra special care to avoid “lecturing” the autocratic mass murderers he was selling a fuckton of guns to, Grimace’s Senile Orange Uncle decided that a 9/11 commemoration ceremony was the perfect place to lecture all those nations that rushed to our defense in the days after 9/11. There was much eye rolling and mocking from European heads of state, and Shiny New French President Emmanuel Macron even showed Dorito Mussolini how a real man plays the crushing handshake game, to the amusement of all. (Having vanquished Drumpf at his chosen domination ritual, Macron will now have first rights to Ivanka when Jared Kushner goes to jail, which you know really eats Donnie’s ass.)
(Oh by the by, after the leader of the free world’s assurance that Silly Ol’ Human Rights don’t fucking matter anymore, Bahrain immediately engaged in a bloody crackdown on dissenters, which is a coincidence just like John Cusack running into Kate Beckinsale over and over again, except with murder instead of shitty romcom tropes.)
Yup, Ol’ Shartful went out and shit on our most loyal allies, which must be what Big Daddy Vlad made him do before he could collect this week’s allowance. The fact that he keeps doing exactly what Russia wants while being accused of having shady ties to Russia is a puzzle, isn’t it? Just a Gordian Fucking Knot.
Mike Pence, a couple days after endorsing and campaigning for a petulant rage monster, gave a graduation speech at the Naval Academy, citing “character” and “integrity,” in an apparent attempt to goad his God into striking him down with a bolt of lightning. Having avoided his inevitable comeuppance for another day, Pence retired to a private cabin to furiously fap to pictures of firemen raping Dalmatians.
Oh, ‘member that little story about Jaunty Jim Comey basing his decision to interfere in the election with a public scolding of our Hilldawg partially on that document that most of the folks in the FBI thought was fake? Well, TURNS OUT Jimmy Boy was like “Duh, I know it’s fake, but it might get out and people might think it’s real, so I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do,” because Comey’s reputation is THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD, BIGGER THAN A CURE FOR CANCER DELIVERED IN THE HOLY GRAIL, THE MACGUFFIN OF ALL MACGUFFINS, THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER TRULY MATTERED.
Seriously. There should be scroll text before all the Mad Max movies that says “Yeah, we’re all in this shit because this one dude was worried Gail Collins might write a nasty column about him. Anyway, time to kill folks for fuel and water!”
Former House Speaker John Boehner told the world that in his view, Tangerine Idi Amin has been “a complete disaster,” proving that bipartisanship isn’t totally dead. Boehner went on to call the President a “Disgrace to whatever weird, white-dudes-who-are-also-orange ethnicity we seem to share.” In response, the White House issued a statement claiming that Trump is rubber, Boehner is glue, and whatever Boehner says bounces off of Trump and sticks to Boehner. (On this, the science is currently inconclusive.)
The Mighty Hilldawg gave a witheringly badass commencement speech at her alma mater, Wellesley, today. She laughed at Shartboy’s tiny crowds and petty lies and alternative man hands and basically announced she’s planning on sitting in the gallery during his impeachment hearing with 40 and a joint, laughing her popular-vote-winning ass off while he goes down in flames like a common Dick Nixon. She threw up her middle fingers, from which there issued a purifying light that flew through the air to the very White House itself, where it shattered Sean Spicer’s pet rock and made Reince Priebus shit his pants in fear.
In the background, Sheriff Dave Clarke continues to field inquiries into his plagiarized master’s thesis and fraudulent uniform flair with all the artfulness of a twice-baked potato. While it’s certainly welcome news that the plagiarism might derail his appointment to DHS, you have to wonder why that thing where a mentally ill man died of dehydration in his jail because NOBODY GAVE HIM WATER FOR A FUCKING WEEK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PETTY SADISTS wasn’t, y’know, a little more disqualifying. Anyway, Sheriff Dave gets SUPER PISSED when a reporter calls him to point out that he has a bunch of Cracker Jack prizes on his uniform so that people will think he’s some kind of highly decorated supercop, instead of just a piece of shit who tortures people to death.
There was a little story today about how the White House is gonna look into vetting the Marmalade Shartcannon’s tweets, because they might be getting everybody into political, and even legal, trouble. Golly, didja just figure that one out, Sun Tzu?
Dropping in on the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, JeffBeau continues to reshape the Justice Department into a weapon for the wealthy to wield against the serf class. Will he prosecute Citibank for a lil’ ol’ crime like laundering money for years an’ years? Why, NAW. Will he have Justice side with a predatory lender that foreclosed on a serviceman’s house while he was serving his third tour of duty in the Middle East? “Why, that deadbeat should be ashamed of himself, missin’ payments while doin’ such an incawnsequeeeential thing as takin’ fire in a war zone.”
It’s really hard to imagine failing at Being a Human Being any worse than Jeff Sessions. Every time he looks into a mirror, the mirror farts and disintegrates.
The Senate Intelligence Committee ordered the Shart Campaign to turn over all their documents for investigation. All of ’em. Every email, phone call and piece of paper, which means some poor intern’s gonna have to sift through a ten pound box of Steve Bannon’s liquor store receipts until we find the note where these assclowns agreed to trade absolution of all their bankruptcy debts for an easing of sanctions, Guam, and probably Katy Perry singing at a few Oligarch birthday parties. And pity the poor staffer who has to sort through Mike Pence’s horrendous, subhuman, porn history.
But then juuuuuuuust when you were thinking you’d get to enjoy your Friday night binging Veronica’s Closet without the Sharknado of Scandal intruding into your brainspace, WaPo chimed in with dat notification that they push so well (unh) and it turns out that Jared Kushner had some secret meetings with the Russian ambassador to set up a little off-the-record, super secret n’ secure, hidden from everybody else in America back channel line so that they could stay up all night talking about boys and clothes.
Oh, and this was in a meeting he failed to disclose on the forms he had to fill out to get his security clearance, which is crime. Now, I got banned for life from Hy-Vee for shoplifting baseball cards, so there damn well best be some consequences here.
Oh, did I mention that Jeff Sessions and Mike Flynn committed the exact same crime? And that the meetings they failed to disclose were also with…th’ Russians? That three members of the Shart’s inner circle committed such similar crimes is just Ace-Ventura-wacky, don’tcha think? Anyway, these assholes still have access to classified information, so SLEEP TIGHT.
Reuters followed up with the revelation that there were an additional THREE instances of contact with the Jarster and his Russian besties throughout the campaign and transition, and that the FBI is investigating whether this team of poor-man’s-David-Mamet-grifters were willing to trade the relaxing of American sanctions on Russia for personal financing favors.
Shit is all kinds of real, folks.
‘Member when it turned out Jar-Jar was pro-firing-Comey-to-head-off-the-Russia-investigation? Funny, that.
Anyway, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good, ethical, legal, excusable reason for all this secrecy, all this lying, all this covering-up. I bet they were all just planning a kickass surprise party for a mutual friend, and the Washington Post just ruined the surprise so now everybody just has to go to the same dumb pizza joint they go to every year, and they don’t even allow piss hookers, so THANKS A MILLION, JOURNALISM.
Dunno what to say, except…shit be cray.
*It’s really hard not to make wrestling jokes here. Like, dude went “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I THINK OF THE CBO SCORE!” and Rock Bottoms the reporter through the Spanish announcer’s table. Too specific?