Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Long, batshit crazy day. Is there any other kind anymore?
Let’s start with the good news, Resistors! Didja see that shit where a couple of badass Democratic women won state legislative seats in New York and New Hampshire? Seats held by Republicans since Mitch McConnell was a mere hatchling? Seats that Drumpf carried by safe margins just last November? Yeah. That was pretty sweet, wasn’t it?
Anyhow, the morning sun greeted us with the news that our Idiot Manchild President had somehow managed to make the Happiest of All Possible Popes sad, which isn’t really surprising, actually. I imagine Baloo would probably commit suicide if he had to spend twenty minutes with this clown, realizing that he really is President of the Fucking United States.
In a bit of petty cruelty, it seems that Sean Spicer, a devout Catholic who serves as Spraytan Himmler’s personal sewage treatment plant, sucking up shit for him day and day out, was denied his once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet the Pope, possibly the only perk of a job that has cost him his reputation, his legacy, and his decency. Anyway, the odds of Spicey going rogue and telling the press stories about his boss trying to order James Comey’s murder while gargling hooker pee have drastically increased.
Somebody in the White House leaked the transcript of Shartboy’s phone call with Serial Mass Murderer/World Leader Apparently Rodrigo Duterte, and golly what a meeting of the minds that was. The leader of the free world complemented a petty tinpot dictator on all the murdering he’s been up to, which made every other American President roll in their graves and even the living ones involuntarily do the hokey pokey, because extra-judicial murders are maybe not in tune with the principals our nation was founded on? Oh, and because he’s perpetually compensating for his tiny tiny tiny tiny hands, he even bragged to this barely-significant thug, basically If Heads of State Were All Hair Bands, This Guy Is White Lion, about the super-ridiculously-classified locations of our submarine fleet.
You should never give classified intel to a dude with the insecurity levels of a zit-covered sixth grade boy at his first school dance. Is apparently a lesson the world needed to learn in 2017.
Meanwhile, Michael Flynn’s subpoena collection is getting SO SWEET, y’all. He’s now been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee, the House Intelligence Committee, the Philadelphia Phillies, the West Coast Avengers, and the Barista at My Starbucks Who’s Always Pestering People With Card Tricks. Everybody’s made extra sure to write “You want immunity? LOL!” on the subpoenas, in crayon, because Mike Flynn is about as fucked as a human being can be without having reached retirement age in the pornography industry.
Speaking of legal troubles, Shart Garfunkel’s lawyering up! He hired a dude who’s also represented a giant Russian bank tied to Putin because maybe he doesn’t know anyone without shady Russian ties, I guess. Oh, and he’s gonna try to use campaign funds to pay for the enormous legal defense he’s gonna need, which is one more middle finger to all the working class folks he’s duped into supporting him.
Senitent Testicular Tumor Sean Hannity continued his meltdown today, screeching about all the persecution he’s facing just cuz he’s traumatizing a grieving family for the sake of spreading an utterly baseless conspiracy backed by nothing but the unsupported ravings of a known dirtbag liar. (If you’re not familiar with Kim Dot Com, it would be absolutely sinful for me to spoil the google search that awaits you. Wear gloves.) The advertisers have started to jump ship, but let’s all keep dogpiling on this horror a human being; in any just society, he’d be driven into the hills.
Hey, remember your salad days, when you didn’t need to know what “emoluments” meant? Those days have gone the way of Triple Chocolate Twix and Perfect Strangers, my friends, as today we learned that the Shart Organization has decided it can’t be bothered to track every little bribe that gets funneled to the President’s family by foreign governments in their hotels, cuz they’ll be damned if they’ll let a silly thing like the law get in the way of the hot, sticky, grift they’ve lucked into.
And as you were sifting through the day’s madness, NYT broke that little story about how a Russian document that most intelligence professionals agreed was clearly fake and designed to fuck with U.S. spyfolk was apparently a key factor in Jazzy Jim Comey’s decision to whip his wang out in the middle of the American election, muddying waters and casting doubt and ultimately enabling the election of the Perpetually Tantruming Toddler who is currently ruining everything from diplomacy to the judicial system to steak. The big takeaway here is that Comey is obviously an agent of some forgotten civilization’s Chaos Gods, and he’s not going to stop fucking shit up until Planet of the Apes is a fucking documentary.
Dr. Ben Carson, who is somehow good at brain surgery despite having a second-grade understanding of literally every other aspect of life on Earth, weighed in on the nature of poverty, which he claimed is simply a “state of mind.” This is sure to be welcome news to the millions of folks kicking and clawing and biting just to make it to their next paycheck; perhaps their landlords and doctors and utility companies will accept Optimism as legal tender from now on, thanks to Dr. Ben’s hot fucking take.
In international intelligence news, it turns out that Israel has made undisclosed changes in how it shares intel with the U.S., and other nations are in various stages of following suit. It’s almost like having a chief executive who haphazardly leaks highly classified intelligence to authoritarians because he wants them to invite him over for sleepovers where they eat a whole bunch of pizza and try to beat Contra without the Konami code might have some negative consequences. HUH.
Oh, remember when Toupee Fiasco stood up and bellowed about all the jobs he saved at Carrier, that air conditioning company in Indiana? 7 million dollars in tax breaks, but Oh Golly The Jobs He Had Saved? Yeah, Carrier announced it’s firing 632 workers, and sending their jobs to Mexico. Nice work, Not-So-Great Pumpkin.
Obviously, the biggest gnus was the CBO score of the Serfs Live Too Long Anyway Act, excuse me, the “AHCA.” 24 million Americans will lose health insurance, millions more will piss their money away on plans that won’t provide services when they’re needed, people with pre-existing conditions are fucked, old people are fucked, medical bankruptcies make a comeback just like Family Guy only with Death instead of inane gay jokes.
But don’t worry, campers, it’s all for a good cause! A $663,000,000,000 tax cut for the wealthy fucks who, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE, bankroll the House GOP’s campaigns! This bill even manages LESS deficit reduction than AHCA mark one, but damn if doesn’t keep the wealth distribution from your-cancer-treatment-to-David-Koch’s-Hummel-figurine-fund totally fucking intact.
Paul Ryan, because he is a soulless monster, actually did a wee victory dance over the CBO score. Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell ya.
Low-income seniors in states that take the waiver the Freedom Caucusers fought so hard for stand to see their premiums increase more than 800%. EIGHT HUNDRED PERCENT. Needless to say, that’s more money than anyone can afford. So what happens there is, people who are old but not too old for Medicare can’t afford health insurance, so they drop out of the market, and then the market “corrects,” and premiums drop. Because the sickest, neediest people can’t afford insurance, and just DIE, premiums for the rest of us go down. AND THAT’S WHAT PAUL RYAN IS CELEBRATING TONIGHT, PRESUMABLY OVER A CUPCAKE MADE FROM A MIX HE FOUND IN THE PANTRY OF SOME LADY WHO DIED FROM A TREATABLE CONDITION SHE JUST COULDN’T AFFORD ANYMORE BECAUSE OF PAUL PIGFUCKING RYAN.
All to finance tax cut for the Swiss Family Robinshart and their rich buddies. Don’t forget his budget contains FURTHER health care cuts. So now they’ll all go back to their old strategy of just straight lying, telling everyone their plan covers everybody and lowers costs and probably brings back Firefly or some shit.
On the bright side, this shit is horrendously unpopular, and the House GOP is so fucking scared of the electoral consequences almost none of them have the sack to hold a town hall. 17 months ’till the midterms, you fucks.
The rabid morlocks of the Freedom Caucus, feelin’ cocky about having custom-designed the anchor they tied to their colleagues’ ankles, decided tonight was the perfect time to drop a statement saying they’d oppose any clean debt ceiling hike, because some men just want to watch the world burn. Mark Meadows has slit the throat of a virgin goat, painted his face with its blood, and set fire to Orrin Hatch’s car, in what I’m told is a leadership challenge ritual he made up twenty minutes ago after chugging three bottles of Boone’s Farm Blue Hawaiian.
Oh, and it turns out the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, in addition to lying about his contacts with the Russians in his confirmation hearings, also lied on his security clearance application forms, which means the Justice Department is headed by a dude who’s broken a whole Denny’s Grand Slam Skillet’s worth of federal laws. Jeff Sessions must be longing for the days when he was an inconsequential Senator who was too racist to be invited to trivia night at legislator bars.
Pretty nutty day, amiright? You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet, friends.
If you ever wanted politics to be more like pro wrestling, your wildest dreams came true tonight! The GOP candidate in tomorrow’s special House election in Montana (some jag named Greg something, who cares) had a reporter ask him, WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN THE CBO SCORE RUNS WILD ON YOU? And Greg-O “body slammed” him. Physically assaulted him. In front of other journalists, too. Took him down and just started whalin’ on him.
Because this is what the Republican Party has come to in this Age of Shart; rage-filled dipshits lashing out because they don’t like that people are allowed to ask them questions. Team Greg issued a totally bullshit statement with their own made-up version of what happened, which was debunked not only by the smackdowned reporter’s audio recording, but by the FOX NEWS journalists who witnessed it. When Fox News calls a Republican a liar, you know the dude is a LIAR.
It’s a whole fucking shitstorm, folks. Did you ever imagine you’d live to see such days? If it gets you down, let me leave you with this…google “Al Franken Cruz joke.” Worth it.
Anyhow. Shit be cray, amiright?