Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ask Not at Whom the Pineapple Flies, Mr. Trump; It Flies at Thee
I feel like there are two kinds of news stories these days: those demonstrating the catastrophic consequences of empowering the rageful nationalism sweeping through the global Right, and the ones about America’s Republican Party looking upon those consequences and squealing, “Gimmie some more of THAT!” In other words, shit remains cray.
Let’s start by checking in on Pooty’s Folly, I guess. You’ll recall, the original KGBrilliant war plan relied heavily (okay, exclusively) on the opposing military not fighting back. For…reasons which I’m sure seem significantly less sturdy with hindsight’s wisdom. At least among the survivors.
Shockingly, it didn’t take Bard the Bowman to exploit this teensy strategic weakness, and it turns out that not preparing for war before starting a war is, um, not a exactly a recipe for success, restoration-of-the-mighty-Soviet-Empire-wise.
Which brings us to the present, and Vlad the Miscalculator’s wildly overdue plan B: hurling the remnants of his broken toy army at Ukraine’s west and south, praying he’s still got enough bombs, bullets and bodies left to eke out some really cool mud to brag about conquering in his upcoming “Victory Day” speech. Set your DVR for that one, by the way, it’s gonna give Orwell’s ghost an aneurysm.
Anyway, I guess the Russkies’re being marginally less idiotically suicidal than Phase One: Sit Here and Get Shot At, but we are most definitely not watching a superpower work its inevitable will on a weaker neighbor.
The last traces of that carefully constructed strongman/chessmaster image dissipated weeks ago, like an asparagus fart, and all that remains of Putin now is a sort of shittier, mangier Wile E. Coyote, trapped in a spiral of petulant aggression and humiliating defeat.
There’s ultimately only so much you can accomplish with a military this shoddy; mostly just clumsily apocalyptic blanket shelling and war crimes, but I repeat myself. Their tanks are shit and their troops are shit and their brass is shit, even their cyber army is shit, it turns out. From what I’ve heard, the chow is shit too, but take comfort, boys, I can’t imagine you’ll have to endure it much longer.
And while sanctions undermine Russia’s ability to resupply, Ukraine keeps getting bigger, better shit, (every other day it seems you hear, like, “Belgium agrees to send 35 dinosaur-mounted laser cannons to Ukraine”) so they’re actually facing a better-equipped nation than the one they invaded, which is pretty fucking funny, if you ask me.
All of which makes Poots’ yapping threats of “lightning fast” retaliation extra adorable. Nobody outside your fifth-rate police state believes your military is capable of so much as assembling IKEA furniture at any fucking speed at all, kid. The West will resist the temptation to polish off your pathetic “army,” because yes, you’ve got nukes, but honestly, if it came down to it, would you clods even be able to get the silos open?
See, nobody’s afraid of you when you fuck up this big. Sweden and Finland are making out with NATO in front of everybody, and they’re looking ready to go all the way. Shit, Biden sent Blinken and Austin to frolic through Kyiv, (technically the middle of a war zone, not that your clown army can get anywhere near it) the diplomatic equivalent of drawing a dick on Vlad’s face when he nods off after one too many Zimas.
Now the Russians bitch n’ moan because the War Where You Weren’t Supposed to Fight Back You Guys has spilled over into the murderous motherland. Fuck you. Don’t start wars. Spare us the mewling victimhood of the exposed bully, at any rate.
And Vlad didn’t even get his pet stooge in Paris, boo hoo. This is your life now, you genocidal turdmaggot. You’re the modern day Prometheus, an eagle shows up every single day to drop another bowling ball on your groin. Learn to love it.
Seems there aren’t enough mass graves in Mariupol to make the Senate’s Fakest Doctor stop spreading the Kremlin’s filthy propaganda, such is Rand Paul’s loyalty to the creed of kakistocracy. Forgive me for taking the low-hanging fruit, but it’s truly a wonder he doesn’t get punched more.
It’d probably be more fun watching Kevin McCarthy scramble like a roach dodging Raid in the bathtub if he weren’t in line for perhaps the least-deserved promotion in political history. Of course, Republican voters seem rather fond of obsequiousness in their leaders, which isn’t really any more counterintuitive than the rest of the insane shit they believe, I suppose.
The 2022 Republican primaries just keep on unfolding like a collaboration between John Frankenheimer and Eli Roth gone horribly wrong. In the Georgia Governor’s race, one candidate pledged blind, docile allegiance to American fascism and its Big Lie, and the Pennsylvania Senate debate, fucking hell, it was like watching a defiantly unwoke production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
The once-great state of Florida continues its distressingly swift devolution into the Shithole Republic of DeSantistan, complete with appropriately obscene congressional gerrymander. How long, one wonders, before Reichskommissar Ron-Ron dispatches his new “fraud police” force to Disney World as shock troops?
Thousands of newly released Mark Meadows texts further illuminate the criminal blundering of the confederacy of fascist dunces who tried to steal our government from us not so very long ago, and I have vague memories of living in a country where such things would’ve been frowned upon, but alas, as Meadows’ texts with Sean Hannity show, the conspirators can count on dutiful wingnut media footsoldiers to pimp the party line, however mendacious, however rotten.
I suppose it was inevitable that a Twitter troll would wind up running Twitter, but given the bountiful buffet of intellectual and psychological shortcomings that comprise the resentment-fueled weirdo known as Elon Musk, this looks to be a rather perilous social engineering experiment, one I’d just as soon skip. Regrettably, both Moderna and Pfizer say a vaccine against the trickle-down consequences of billionaire manchild insecurity is still years away.
Jesus fucking Christ, did somebody forget to lock Marjorie Taylor Greene’s crate? She’s been on a goddamn rampage, the brownshirt equivalent of a wild spring break in Cabo; calling for “Marshall Law*,” and lurching to the brink of a kooky catfight with fellow psychopath Lauren Boebert.
Oh, and despite her Q-drenched ravings about Satan allegedly controlling the Catholic Church, she’s taken to palling around with Milo Yiannopolous, a disgraced, ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-right-wing fanatic, who is literally famous for condoning pedophilia. No doubt this unignorable hypocrisy marks the end of her MAGA influence; they’re a notoriously ethically consistent bunch.
Speaking of the wad of feral colon tumors known as the Freedom Caucus, young Madison Cawthorn, hot off a fetching drag spread in Politico, once again got caught attempting to smuggle a loaded firearm onto an airplane, and isn’t it fun having so many sitting United States Representatives who behave exactly like terrorists?
Cutting through the bullshit to get to the heart of modern conservatism, here’s Tennessee State Representative Jerry Sexton, casually expressing his desire to burn books, as though it were the most ordinary thing in the world, which it is…to Nazis.
As ever, at the center of the shitstorm slouches Donald J. Trump, (the J stands for “Just held in contempt in New York”) like an enchanted, talking ostomy bag, still whining about water pressure and staggering through his sad, sorry, incessant home run trot over “acing” that goddamn cognitive test.
The God Emperor of the GOP operates essentially like an old man fiddling with his phone in a booth at a Denny’s, muttering to himself, slinging slurs at the waitstaff, refusing to leave. Oh, and he lives in mortal terror of pineapples, apparently. Of course he does.
Really stellar personality to build a cult around, is what I’m saying. Exemplary choice, kids. I mean, the Sacred Passing of the Cognitive Test is practically a Bible story now. Anyway, communion today is a shot of livestock dewormer in front of the scroto-tanner, enjoy!
I’m gonna have to tag out here, folks, having knocked myself unconscious pounding my head against my desk. Before you go, I wanna share somethin’ a little different with you, my review of the song “All I See,” by The Bellwethers, featuring blog reader/Kickstarter backer Fran Scianna! It’s good shit, you’ll dig it! Stay safe!
*Yes, she is so very dumb, ha ha ha; I anticipate many humorous grammatical errors in the reeducation camp signage to come.