Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The Susan Collinsest Susan Collins That Ever Susan Collinsed
Wooooooo…rough one this week, even by the weary, battered standards of the year two thousand twenty-two. Well, grab yourself a beer, or a whiskey, or a great big slice of cake, or, I dunno, your favorite tentacle porn video, whatever gets you goin’, and let’s stare this fucker straight in the eye, if only to let it know we’re not afraid.
So, I’m guessing by now you’ve heard about Sammy Alito’s little Guess Whose Rights I’m Taking Away This Summer essay. I have to say, there’s nothing quite so disturbing as a Republican reveling in his own abuse of power; and of course, punishing so many uppity women all at once, conceivably for generations yet to come, is every religious fanatic’s wettest dream made reality. So it’s pretty gross out there.
Within the snug, padded confines of the wingnut outrage bubble, (“Where YOU’RE always the victim, no matter whose neck your boot is crushing!”) the real scandal here isn’t a deranged, illegitimate, theocrat court abusing their purloined authority to steal millions of Americans’ rights, in vicious defiance of the public will, but rather…that the opinion leaked.
Because I guess the plan was to keep the whole thing secret. Quiet, like. Slide it into the Friday news dump, everybody just shrugs and moves on to whatever’s on HBO.
I understand that rationality isn’t really a “thing” on the right these days, but they truly seem to expect folks to docilely accept the steady erosion of their rights by a resentment-fueled, kakistocrat minority. Which is precisely the sort of crap that led to America in the first place, if you think about; congratulations on devolving into a tawdry parody of the villains in your own national founding myth.
Now, we’ve all seen this day coming, and we all knew exactly how Susan Collins would behave when it came, but actually sitting through the obscene spectacle of her sputtering, stupid, self-justifying lies made me puke on my shoes. Fortunately, I keep a pair for just such occasions; they were still a bit crusty from that gloaty lecture she delivered when she stuck the nation with Kavanaugh in the first place.
Incidentally, the Senator from Moderate Cloud Cuckoo Land has already announced she won’t be backing Senate Dems’ reproductive rights bill, offering an unusually insulting bit of swiftly-debunked horseshit as justification, because she’s Susan Collins, and these are simply the sorts of things one does when one is Susan Collins. It would be funny, I suppose, if it weren’t for all the senseless human suffering she’s caused.
And of course, various regional cells of the American Taliban have all sorts of additional legislative vileness on tap, eager to test the limits of this mad new majority’s tolerance for authoritarianism. I don’t imagine we’ve seen the last wave of fuckery out of Anti Choicey Barrett and her power-drunk gang of thugs, is all I’m saying.
Fucking hell. Well, let’s switch to a lighter topic for a minute, like Ukraine, and the War of Misguided Russian Aggression, where Vladimir Putin’s multifaceted master plan gallops along with nary a hitch.
See, Poots wanted the world to spend three weeks watching his cut-rate military fail and fail and fail to capture the Azovstal steel plant; it serves the nifty dual function of providing endless hours of content documenting senseless civilian suffering, which happens to be the fuel that runs the engine that’s been delivering that merciless supply of increasingly-powerful western weapons that keep popping up on the other side of the ol’ battlefield, AND advertising the inescapable incompetence of his own forces, as if to demonstrate to the entire world that he is helpless to prevent them from kicking him while he’s down, so mired is he in this mess of his own making.
Good luck with your speech, though. Gonna go great.
And you gotta love the off-the-record-wink-wink victory lap the Biden Administration is taking over providing the intelligence Ukraine has used to take out Russian generals n’ warships n’ such; Joe’s practically playing “why’re you hitting yourself” with the big, scary KGB man.
Meanwhile, the Russian diplomatic corps seems determined to equal the self-destructive incompetence of their comrades in the field. Sergey Lavrov, who is somehow Foreign Minister of a regime that fancies itself a superpower, figured that what this fraught moment called for was a casual, “Look, Hitler was basically Jewish,” no doubt earning himself an amusing little sidebar in the diplomacy school textbooks of tomorrow.
One is tempted to suggest that Vlad just isn’t sending his best, but he totally is, isn’t he? There doesn’t appear to be a solitary strong link in the entire Russian chain of command.
The Failing New York Times debuted an experimental new horror section, publishing a three-part deep dive into Tucker Carlson, the throbbing, acid-spewing tumor at the heart of ascendant American fascism, and the apparatus he uses to spread his infection: the tauntingly Orwellian Fox News Channel. Here in this childishly scatological blog, we’ve seen Liar Tuck for the assiduous manufacturer of goose-stepping terrorists he is for a while now, but it’s nice to see th’paper of record finally catching up.
Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene are not, I’m sad to report, behind bars where they belong, but actively campaigning for J.D. Vance, who, as the sort of fellow who willingly associates with violence-inciting maniacs and child molesters, would, I think, make for a very poor Senator indeed. Congrats on your big primary “victory,” J.D., though I imagine that painting in your attic is in rough shape by now.
Speaking of Republican primaries, I see the death cult felt like spicing up the expected slate of Q-addled shitwits, nominating a charming fellow who finds himself currently incarcerated for KILLING HIS CANCER-STRICKEN WIFE with a “concrete, gallon-sized flower pot.” Andrew Wilhoite, you’re gonna fit right in.
The shittier the human the better, as far as Cult45 is concerned. God knows Idaho Lt. Governor Janice McGeachin has been having the time of her life, wallowing in the white nationalist hog pen she tripped into a few weeks back, at Nick Fuentes’ Grievance Gala for the White and Subpar. Cool friends, Janice.
Greg Abbott’s sorry bid for his own fifteen MAGA minutes failed to capture the mob’s attention, let alone their adoration, and now he’s just the guy who gave some undocumented migrants a bus ride to D.C. at Texas taxpayers’ expense. Real nice work, kid.
People who attempt things as foolish and ignoble as mimicking Donald Trump’s political tactics shouldn’t be in charge because they’re shitty, hateful people. People who make the attempt, and fail as spectacularly as Abbott shouldn’t be in charge because they’re fucking idiots. I’m sure there’s a third reason Abbott shouldn’t be in charge, but do you really need it?
Former Turd Reich Defense Secretary Mark Esper’s new book is apparently chock-full of anecdotes about Wee Donnie One-Term trying to get the Pentagon to slaughter people for him, be they peacefully protesting American citizens, or whoever might find themselves on the receiving end of the missiles he proposed lobbing into Mexico, believing evading responsibility for this act of war on a neighboring ally would be as simple as blaming a fart on the dog, or Eric probably, now that I think about it.
One obvious thought here is that “trigger-happy” is maybe not the best quality for a Commander in Chief. You never hear a story about Donald Trump asking if the army could like, cut through all the goddamn red tape and just deliver food to hungry children, y’know? Just periodic, sullen stabs at I Can Haz Secret Police?
Which is why I certainly wish Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis well with that shiny, new grand jury over in Georgia. I know you’re not supposed to have favorites, but of all the legal challenges besieging the nitwit cabal that tried to steal my country, this is the one that holds my heart. And maybe that’s because I just really, really hope it’s formally written down somewhere that it’s illegal to call up an election official and brazenly ask him to fraudulently alter voting results.
Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson is like that recurring sitcom character who reliably demonstrates a single predictable behavior, and that behavior is “uncritically accepting any and all Covid conspiracy theories, however bizarre and/or imbecilic.” In a truly regrettable coincidence, Johnson’s lone other significant trait is that he’s one of 100 currently serving United States Senators.
Madison Cawthorn has gotten himself into so much unsettlingly weird trouble, and at such a young age, that I’m honestly starting to feel insecure about my own productivity levels. Like, this kid’s bucket list is deeeeeeply fucked up, yes, but he’s certainly checkin’ shit off. (And may I gently suggest it’s in the national interest to get this little Nazi creep the fuck out of Congress before he works his way to the bottom?)
Seems Lauren Boebert has “written” a “book,” and admit it, you’re morbidly curious to witness the contortions this poo-flinging fascist dolt undertakes to craft a hero narrative around herself. She should call it, “My Struggul.”
In such jet-black times, you gotta take the good news wherever you can find it; in this week’s case, in the welcome twist at the end of an otherwise unpleasant headline like, “GOP candidate who told women to “enjoy” rape suffers surprise loss.”
Lotta magic in those last three words, don’tcha think? “Suffers surprise loss.” Say ‘em out loud…pretty sweet, huh? And I believe there’re plenty of opportunities to hang those same three words on a whole bunch of aspiring autocrats this November. Let’s sneak up on ‘em while they’re measuring the drapes, shall we?
Just…don’t let the bastards grind you down. Because they’re trying to. And because we’re absolutely going to beat the fuckers, no matter how long it takes, and you’re gonna want to be there for that. Till then, stay safe out there, Resisters…
Fucking Greg Abbott is so inept as to actually having been sentenced to life in prison, er, wheelchair because a goddam tree fucking fell on him.
No fucking shit! Google it. After wee Maddy Crawdad appeared on the scene I wondered what Abbott’s excuse was? Lo and ever-loving behold it seems the stupid twit was out for a jog one fine day when a mighty oak (maybe) just up and tackled his ass. Now mind you, I’ve felled a few hundred trees in my lifetime and can’t recall one falling so fast that I couldn’t get out of the way and I was usually consuming as much as or more than the amount of gas / oil mix the saw used. Now, I can imagine a few ways a tree might fall on a person. First that comes to mind is you’re camping, and you’re asleep in a tent. Maybe you are having sex in a tent, or even just out in the woods fucking and neither one of you saw it coming. You may just have been stoned / drunk and didn’t notice. Maybe I’m jogging and gotta take a piss / shit at the most inopportune time and place. But one might assume that a fellow ALREADY IN FUCKING MOTION ought to be able to dodge an object as large as a FUCKING TREE! I don’t believe him for a nano second but that’s his story and he’s sticking with it. I’d be ashamed to admit that. I’d swear I was wrestling the tree and want to go best of three!
Anyhoo Cap, excellent as always. Look forward to this every week. Pay attention to your surroundings, don’t want you getting run over by no freaking trees!
I thought those tough Mainers had better sense than to keep sending Susan Collins back to the Senate, but apparently not. Perhaps her pearls will rise up and strangle her one day. I live in hope.
BTW, you DO know that Empty Greene has an opponent, right? His name is Marcus Flowers, and he’s an Army vet who has been endorsed by VoteVets, among others. I have no idea how he’s doing, because I gave up watching the polls after Poll God Nate Silver assured us Hillary had it wrapped up in 2016. Yeah, we know how that turned out. But if you mention him in your next exquisite rant, maybe he’ll gain a few more $$. I’m throwing him a few bucks each month and crossing my fingers. There are very few people I despise as much as Donnie Two-poops, but that disgusting MTG the Troll is one.
Amen, and GO MARCUS!!!
There is so much news about the corruption in the GOP lately, yet the wanna-be governors and senators keep lying, and the trumper crowd just laps it up. Lies are the coin of MAGA, and my rage is building. Good thing I’m old and in bad health.
Friday is my favorite day because of you.
And I was born in Evanston.
Thanks for offering up some good laughs after this week’s supersized helping of aggravation. Not bad enough that Putin continues his stupid, vicious, self-destructive assault on his neighbor. The idiot “conservatives” on our highest court now see fit to drag us back into the dark ages of coat hangers and back alley butchery. I’ve been grinding my teeth so hard, it’s a miracle there’s anything left.
As usual, you are such a gift! Take care and enjoy beer o’clock.
Wee Donnie One Term is bound to go viral.
Thanks again for a brilliant assessment, Cap.
Susan Collins is due for a nickname upgrade. How about “I’m not gullible, ” or “Hey, it’s fine if they’re lying.” Really, I could never hope to come close to your creative naming, Cap. You are the best. My efforts are just a stuggul.
We will NEVER give up or give in, and there are enough of us so that we won’t give out, either.
Excellent as always Cap
Does anybody realize that Susan Collins ran on term limits? She told her supporters that she would only serve one term.
Jesus H. Christ on Crutches, this week has been straight out of an episode of delerium tremens. Stay strong my friend.
Jesus H. Christ on Crutches, this week has been straight out of an episode of delerium tremens.
The GREEDY OLD PIGS believe Democrats are p*ssies, because up to now we’ve played by the rules.
The American TALIBAN Party, formerly known as the gop, needs an expedited trip to hell…
BEFORE they start burning strong, independent women at the stake…with full approval of the TALIBAN COURT.
BEFORE Contraception is CRIMINALIZED.
BEFORE Marriage to whoever love is DEMONIZED.
BEFORE SEGREGATION is once again LEGITIMIZED.
BEFORE WOMEN are forbidden from VOTING.
BEFORE PEOPLE OF COLOR are ROBBED OF EVEN MORE RIGHTS.
BEFORE THE POLICE STATE GETS EVEN MORE UNTOUCHABLE, UNACCOUNTABLE.
YES, the American Taliban party gets a one-way-trip to Hades…
I don’t care how. I don’t care how ugly we have to get. Nice guys finish last.
My DAUGHTERS, my GRANDDAUGHTERS DESERVE FAR BETTER THAN THE CURRENT CRAP THAT’S GOING DOWN.
“My Struggul” made my day. Thank you!
Who could have expected Neo-Nazi men from Florida, at Disney World? But No! They are not Neo-Nazis, they are Old Timey Nazis. We have not seen the Maggots wave their freak flag, which is a Swastika since Charlottesville in 2017. Of course, the Jan. 6 insurrection was an attempted takeover of the Government by Nazis. That is how Hitler did it, with Big Lies. And Trump told us Hitler did many good things. And Vlad Pooty Poot is a genius, and his war is one of the greatest wars that have ever been supported by Republicans. It is OK to make Big Lies and make Big Wars and destroy Democracy if you are a Republican or a Q-Anon or a Billionaire or a Nazi.
Who to oppress next? How about women, especially the overeducated. Also, just as Pooty Poot censored the word “war”, Republicans will censor the word “women”. They can only be referred to as “handmaidens” or “earthen vessels”.
I despise the mealy-mouthed Susan Collins, who is absolutely no moderate, but a typical craven republican. As for Amy Conehead Barrett, who had seven kids but only because she could afford full time nannies and who has no concept of zero population growth on an overburdened planet, she is one of the Supreme Court thugs who should have absolutely NO say on Roe v. Wade or any other issue that has already been decided by law.
Talk about the politicization of the Supreme Court…..If only the protesters would burn their houses down….