Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
At Home & Abroad, Gaslighting Fascists Piss in the World’s Cheerios
“Concise” isn’t really the house style here, but if I had to boil this blog down to something like a mission statement, it might go, “the authoritarian Right, because of their bottomless stupidity and nigh-incomprehensible malice, should not be in charge,”and I respectfully submit that current events support my position…well, grab a pint o’ something potent and judge for yourself:
So, the single most obvious thing in the entire world at the moment is that Russia, with its dipshit clown army, could never hope to hold Ukraine, that Vlad the Miscalculator’s fantasy of effortless, consequence-free regime change was never anything more than the fever dream of a cretinous egomaniac with delusions of competence, but apparently thousands of people still have to die, and millions must suffer, because this stunted manchild wants to cling to his shirtless rodeo cowboy image for a few more weeks while the walls close in.
The West swiftly replaced the economy Putin painstakingly built over two decades with a flaming bag of labradoodle turds and 1000 free hours of America Online, and I imagine he’s noticed. Beyond the fiscal curb stomp of official government sanctions, public pressure keeps chasing brand after brand away, and even unsanctioned Russian oil goes unpurchased, because it turns out slaughtering children is a poor marketing strategy.
Meanwhile, on the ground, the war persists in unfolding as though it were designed specifically to raise global awareness of Russian military ineptitude. Ukrainian forces, armed with Turkish drones, Stingers, and Javelins, pick off multimillion-dollar war machines like they’re playing Call of Duty on the Recruit setting. And mounting casualties raise the specter of the wrath of Russian mothers, who are not, as history has shown, anything to fuck with.
Pootie Tang’s generals are leading by example, by dying in the field, which is likely preferable to whatever the Kremlin had in store for those fuckups at their next performance review…while this entire tragic boondoggle is exactly one man’s fault, he doesn’t seem the responsibility-taking type, y’know?
In their doomed crusade to help Vladroy Jenkins save face, his goon army has resorted to indiscriminately lobbing missiles at civilians, which, of course, only increases the resolve, in Ukraine and around the world, to bring about his defeat. As it should, and obviously would. It’s bad, bloody theatre, for an audience of one, and madness on an unfathomable scale.
Just walk us through the scenario where this all works out for you, Poot-Poot. Use small words. “Oh, McDonalds’ll come back if I bomb just one more maternity ward!” “Breaking ceasefires to attack humanitarian evacuation corridors makes sense, because everyone knows sanctions are under the direct control of fleeing Ukrainian children!” Escalation without endgame indeed.
Like, my therapist is fond of calling out my less rational behaviors by asking me, point blank, “How does this get you what you want?” I tell you what, Vladkins, slap that shit on a cat poster and hang it on the wall by your end of that silly-ass table, it’ll serve you better than every yes man in Moscow.
But like a Newsmax junkie demanding ivermectin during his intubation, Putin somehow still believes he can gaslight his way out of objective reality, because apparently lessons in the limits of propaganda have to be learned the hard way. Feeble squawking about “denazification” continues, though I’d wager Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov’s lunatic assertion that Russia “did not attack Ukraine” would be contested by the folks digging the mass graves.
The newest, biggest lie implies that the United States could imagine no better location for a bioweapons laboratory* than a few short miles from the Russian border, an assertion so asinine you’d discard it with a chuckle if it didn’t likely portend Putin’s plans for a chemical attack of his own.
Tucker Carlson, no doubt fearing his substantial investment in Eurotrash autocracy would turn permanently sour, jumped allllll over that choice bit of horseshit, hoping to gently guide his rube audience back to 21st Century Hitler’s corner, because, well, if white nationalists aren’t allowed to seize whatever they want through violence, what’s the fucking point of Tucker Carlson?
Read the room, Liar Tuck. I mean, as much as I shit on the rank and file fuckwads of Cult45, and as much as they deserve it, new polling shows even they see Putin for what he is. And for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION, America, to the dead-enders who still refuse to detach from this bloodthirsty dictator’s teat, here at the completely inevitable, the-news-is-90%-war-crimes stage of his reign.
Like, say, Donald Trump, who, even with Sean Hannity setting the softballs up on a goddamn t-ball tee, couldn’t quite bring himself to condemn the Butcher of Mariupol. And folks, that’s because this is exactly what he himself is after; he wants to get back to the presidency so he can start killing and killing and killing, until there’s no one left with the audacity to remind him he’s a loser. It’s all he’s asked Santa for since 2020.
But Mike Pence, having finally grokked his place in MAGA mythology, attempted to seize this opportunity to lance the tumor devouring the GOP, proclaiming, “there is no room in this party for apologists for Putin,” which is at least a nicer lie than usual, I guess. Can’t help but notice such a bold, confrontational stance seems to require Secret Service protection, though.
I suppose we shouldn’t move on from the Deposed Dotard without mentioning his…”plan” seems overgenerous, let’s call it an imbecile’s scheme, to trick Putin by slapping Chinese flag decals on American bombers, and…actually, considering the state of the Russian military, that’d probably work; objection withdrawn.
Here in these Divided States, the radical Right persists in its own relentless shelling of basic human decency. Florida Republicans advanced their vile Don’t Say Gay bill, which serves no positive purpose, but increases the suffering of LGBTQ children, and thus, the delight of the hate-crazed minority that dominates right-wing politics. It’s amazing, how much of what passes for conservative policy these days is ultimately just spite porn for bigots.
Exactly like their Russian counterparts, these malevolent buttpimples justify their barbarity with twisted, victim-blaming lies, viciously suggesting that merely informing children that some folks are gay amounts to “grooming.” And once again, Tucker Carlson uses this trash to unsubtly nudge his audience, the largest on cable, towards violence, which, he casually suggests, is simply a “normal person’s” response.
…and that’s How It Happens Here.
It works, too. This month in trickle-down terror, a pair of demented jagoffs accosted Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak at a restaurant, along with his wife and daughter, vomiting up slurs and alt-right buzzwords, while gleefully noting the family’s lack of security, and threatening lynching. These particular dickless wonders were just loudmouths in search of internet clout, but this unceasing media cycle, fetishizing first victimhood, then violence, is how you get Capitol Riots.
Speaking of which, Guy Reffitt was found guilty on all counts, and considering the decision-making prowess displayed by not only violently attacking the U.S. Capitol, but taking his open-and-shut case to trial, I don’t think he’ll do well in prison. Which I’m fairly okay with, now that I think about it.
But yes, all American life must be bent to serve the whims of the most hateful among us. The fanatics running Missouri, for example, are no longer content to impose theocracy within their own borders; now they demand the power to punish women who exercise their constitutional rights in non-totalitarian neighboring states. These creeps are totally different from the Taliban, for reasons which are far too complex to get into here, libtard.
Perhaps someday, history will unravel the mystery of precisely how and why Donald Trump’s would-be Twitter competitor, “Truth Social,” flopped, despite the world-class leadership of the former United States Congressman who once lost a lawsuit to an imaginary internet cow; for now, throw it on the Robert Stack pile, I suppose.
While the Turd Reich certainly contained its share of cynical opportunists, let it never be said that Mark Meadows was anything less than fully devoted to the anti-democracy cause, going so far as to perpetrate an unusually sloppy bit of voter fraud, mendaciously registering to vote, in swing state North Carolina, at a mobile home he in no way, shape, or form owned or dwelled in. At the risk of suggesting that the law should actually apply to rich white dudes, LOCK HIS ASS UP.
Quite a week for Congress’ leading Hitlerjungend, Madison Cawthorn, between his latest arrest, and his mega-fashy pro-Putin rant, denouncing Volodymyr Zelensky as “evil” and “a thug,” for espousing “woke ideologies” like Bombing Hospitals is Wrong, and No You Can’t Have My Country.
Cawthorn fits rather snugly into what Liz Cheney correctly identifies as her party’s “Putin wing,” alongside useful idiot/Trump Pentagon official Doug Macgregor, who shares Maddy’s view that the Ukrainians are the real villains here, for resisting Vlad’s super reasonable demand for total submission. I bet Doug’s fun on dates.
I see Bilious Bill Barr is the latest Trumpworld taint remora to attempt a legacy-bleaching book tour, and I for one have grown quite weary indeed of Republicans demanding praise for enabling just 99% of Gameshow Göring’s authoritarian assault on my country. While I’m always down for a fresh round of embarrassing Donnie One-Term anecdotes, I’d rather tear gas myself in Lafayette Square than buy your piece of shit book, Bill…unless you take rubles?
Shame descended upon the American wingnut fringe as they realized they had been out-truckerconvoyed by, oh the humiliation…Canadians. While this blundering handful of disinformation-addled asshats once dreamt of overthrowing the tyranny of medical science, they’re now reduced to literally driving around in circles, barely able to score a meeting with clout-chasing crotchmarmot Ted Cruz and his shitty, shitty beard, while absolutely no one else pays the slightest bit of attention.
Perhaps these dopes should change course, and head down to the Shithole Republic of DeSantistan, where the quack Governor Ron-Ron recently installed as Surgeon General insanely recommended that parents play Russian roulette with their kids’ lives. If you happen to be in search of a political party that doesn’t recklessly endanger children to placate tantrum-throwing morons, may I humbly suggest the Democratic one?
Poor Mitch McConnell just wants to sneak quietly back into the Majority Leader’s office through the side door, but his caucus of oligarch nitwits can’t stop won’t stop reminding the serfs what the Republican Party actually stands for. Last week, it was Rick Scott and his bleed-the-filthy-takers-dry “platform,” and now, along comes Ron Johnson, positively giddy to remind a pandemic-weary nation of his lifelong passion for stripping working people of their health care. Oh well. Fuck ‘em all.
In attempting to hide evidence from the January 6th commission, uncanny valley centerfold Stephen Miller inadvertently revealed that, despite being a grown-ass man**, he’s still on mommy n’ daddy’s cellphone plan, a clarifying lesson in the inescapable patheticness at the core of every single white supremacist.
Insurrectionist bureaucrat Tina Peters got indicted on a veritable Frito-Lay variety pack of charges for her attempts to subvert the 2020 election in Colorado, which hopefully puts an end to her quest for higher office, at least until Don Jr. picks her as his running mate.
Good Lord. Y’know, today is actually Shower Cap’s birthday. ‘Twas six years ago exactly I first donned the luchador mask/superhero bathrobe combo, to attend the Trump rally in Chicago, looking to get a glimpse of the madness up close. I got my glimpse’s worth and then some, and I’d very much like to look away now, but that’s what the bastards want us to do, so I guess I’ll see y’all next week. Stay safe out there, folks…stay safe.
*Hopefully, Russian troops won’t discover the hidden underground facility where Zelensky’s been growing that kaiju cloned from DNA extracted from Hunter Biden’s laptop.
**Well, biped anyhow