Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
In Putin’s Russia, War Crimes Commit YOU!
I feel like “don’t put assholes in charge” is probably the single clearest lesson of human history, and yet here we are again, dealing with the inevitable, catastrophic consequences of Putting Assholes in Charge. At the risk of upending an already contentious education debate, what we need in this country is some sort of Critical Asshole Theory.
Well, Russia’s absurd, flaccid war rages madly on, as Vladimir “How Hard Can War Be, Really” Putin, cornered like the dumbest of all possible rats, frantically attempts to project strength from his turd throne atop one of history’s greatest blunders.
Like a Tinder user hoping his date simply won’t notice the 60 pounds he’s put on since his profile picture was taken, Pooty-Poo keeps hurling threats at the West, while his army, apparently recruited from a meth den adjacent to a clown college, persists in its admittedly innovative strategy of Fucking Up While the Whole World Watches.
The locals steadfastly refuse to treat Vlad’s dipshit brigade as he’d anticipated and planned, unless of course the traditional Ukrainian folk greeting for liberators involves slaughtering them in great numbers. At least 7,000 Russian troops have met their ends in this clusterfuck already, exceeding in three short weeks the total number of American deaths from two decades in Afghanistan and Iraq put together, and those little excursions were hardly models of efficiency, y’know?
Still, like any good right-wing fanatic, Pootie Tang has sought solace from the less convenient aspects of objective reality in the lovin’ arms of a meticulously maintained disinformation bubble, within which he glides from triumph to triumph, over legions of Nazis (Jewish ones, apparently) and their U.S.-backed chemical weapons labs.
With precious few lingering allies, (likely on account of all the mass murder) the Kremlin would no doubt love to send chocolates n’ roses to the handful of accommodating propagandists remaining on the American ultra-right, for helpfully platforming this latest Big Lie, but, y’know…sanctions. Maybe Lavrov’ll have time to swing by Fux Nooz HQ after his cartoonish attempt to gaslight the United Nations flops; it certainly won’t take long.
Of course, Tucker Carlson and his ilk are merely trying to recoup some of their massive investment in Russia’s autocracy; I’m sure it’s frustrating, laying all that groundwork for a white nationalist police state of your very own, only to watch the whole enterprise blow up, like a residential building full of innocent civilians.
The holdouts who remain pro-Putin in the face of three solid weeks of nonstop war crimes are the genuine dregs of Trumpism, the absolute bastards who’ve been itching for violence their whole damn lives, and they’re furious and bewildered that the world turned on their guy over a measly few hundred dead children.
You’ve got Candace Owens stumbling around, shrieking “Russian lives matter,” while usefulish idiot Madison Cawthorn’s own party plots his defenestration. Liar Tuck himself whines about being labeled “an organ of Russian disinformation,” while simultaneously parroting Putin’s talking points nightly. And poor J.D. Vance, who once dreamed of riding his dinner theatre demagogue shtick all the way to the United States Senate, doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.
Then there’s onetime Delaware Senate candidate Lauren Witzke, who praises Putin’s “Christian values,” when she’s not interviewing skeevy creeps who say things like, “women are our currency to be bartered and traded.” I forget, what did Jesus say about shelling hospitals again? Or, for that matter, WOMEN AS “CURRENCY?”
Meanwhile, Koch Industries refuses to stop financing Vlad’s war machine, because while this whole “Ukraine” thing is a shame and all, the real sin would be if the billionaire Koch family heirs were denied even a nickel’s worth of their beloved blood money. Since “Republican Congressman” amounts to an entry-level position in the Koch organization, understanding how American political culture wound up so utterly fucked is deceptively simple, don’t you think?
With Putin and his inner circle locked out of every international financial system and stuck with a currency about as valuable as a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon, Russia announced petulant, retaliatory sanctions targeting Joe Biden, Anthony Blinken, and, for whatever reason, Hillary Clinton, which can only be described as…adorable. Who’s a great big global superpower? YOU are! YOU are!
Oh hey, Ginni Thomas attended the pre-Riot mixer on January 6th, just for cucumber sandwiches and treacherous small talk, but I’m sure her husband is a rational, impartial judge, just like the drunken frat boy political operative and the dominionist zealot. It’s a shame the Founding Fathers didn’t find it necessary to formally write down, “by the way, sour, psychopathic mediocrities aren’t allowed to take everybody else’s rights away,” but maybe they’ll get to that in the Hamilton sequel*.
Cadbury Creme Egg-brained gun-humper Lauren Boebert, attempting to manufacture the illusion of support for her juvenile meltdown during the State of the Union, claimed the mother of a lieutenant corporal showered her with praise, with special appreciation for her feces-smearing technique, a story which perhaps would’ve carried more weight if “lieutenant corporal” were a real rank anywhere within the U.S. military, which it is decidedly not.
If you think that’s impressive, Lauren, the Ambassador from Narnia says I have the best blog in the whole wide world. Also, the pooka who lives across the hall from me thinks you’re a fucking idiot.
In the wake of the revelation that she addressed Nick “What’s So Bad About Hitler Anyway” Fuentes’ white nationalist sock hop, Idaho Lieutenant Governor** Janice McGeachin has decided it’s super unfair to judge Republicans by the (Nazi) company they keep. Agree to disagree, Jan. You fascist twit.
Seems would-be Senator Herschel Walker finally arrived, a few decades late, to the long-ago debunked “if evolution is real why are there still apes CHECKMATE LIBTARD PRIMATES” party, and I’m looking forward to next week, when he blows the lid off Robert Byrd’s misspent youth. On the other hand, not to make this fuckwit’s argument for him or anything, but if the human brain is so dang evolved, why do Georgia Republicans think a domestic abuser with a lengthy history of serious mental illness is a good fit for the federal legislator gig?
Another cultist seeking elected office, “Pastor” Mark Burns, fantasized about bringing back the ol’ House Un-American Activities Committee, with “Un-American Activities” helpfully redefined as “disagreeing with Mark Burns.” Now, it wouldn’t be fair to equate such statements with Putin’s unhinged rant, pledging to purge his nation of “scum and traitors,” because, well, y’see, um…LOOK OVER THERE, IT’S TONY DANZA!
Rand Paul simply will not stop pulling at Anthony Fauci’s pigtails, as demonstrated by his latest attention-seeking nuisance amendment, which would eliminate the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases post altogether, because libertarianism means never having to say, “the objective findings of medical science should overrule the manic screeching of the shit-gargling gremlins that dwell within the otherwise desolate space between my ears.” Y’know, Herschel would actually fit right in.
Utilizing the particularly demonic science liberal heretics refer to as “counting,” new studies show that states with Republican governors experienced higher rates of Covid infections and deaths, and since you are no doubt reeling from fucking shock reading that, I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself. Honestly, I could use a tall, frosty glass of ivermectin right about now, so take your time.
Ah, that’s better. Take that, worms.
Now, five or six years ago, I might’ve naively expected a political party to lose a little voter support when the public learned that party’s policies directly caused thousands upon thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, but with the wisdom granted by time, I now understand that millions of Americans value blind partisan conflict over life itself; I’m told the Ames Straw Poll is slated to be replaced with a competitive bloodletting ritual, with Republican activists draining veins directly into vats labeled by candidate.
You may recall Josh Hawley’s cringingly fashy (or is it fashily cringe?) effort to monetize his treason-mongering by hawking Terrorist Fist Jab: The Mug on his doomed campaign website…well, turns out that in doing so, Joshward illegally appropriated somebody else’s intellectual property without permission or payment, and thus he’s been ordered to cease n’ desist with that shit. Given the personality at the center of this particular cult, such petty thievery will likely only enhance this twerp’s prospects, unfortunately.
Speaking of Cult45, Shower Cap’s inaugural Moldering Pile of Maggot-Ridden Hamster Crap award goes to…Kyle Rittenhouse, who seemingly cannot resist strutting the deficiencies of his grotesque little soul.
See, this is what MAGA culture is all about, this is the whole rotten doctrine: gunning your political opponents down in the streets and tap-dancing on their graves; not only acknowledging, but celebrating your unbridled shittiness. Child terrorist reveling in his blood-drenched celebrity, crazed despot launching missiles at maternity wards, EXACT same energy.
In summation, STOP PUTTING ASSHOLES IN CHARGE, people. This particular crop is especially asshole-y, so if anybody needs to have caveat emptor tattooed on the inside of their fucking eyelids, I’m willing to donate to your GoFundMe.
Sigh. See you next week, friends. Stay safe out there.
*That’s not a real thing, I made it up. Sorry. Dick move, Cap.
**See, that one’s real, Lauren.