I feel like “don’t put assholes in charge” is probably the single clearest lesson of human history, and yet here we are again, dealing with the inevitable, catastrophic consequences of Putting Assholes in Charge. At the risk of upending an already contentious education debate, what we need in this country is some sort of Critical Asshole Theory.

Well, Russia’s absurd, flaccid war rages madly on, as Vladimir “How Hard Can War Be, Really” Putin, cornered like the dumbest of all possible rats, frantically attempts to project strength from his turd throne atop one of history’s greatest blunders.

Like a Tinder user hoping his date simply won’t notice the 60 pounds he’s put on since his profile picture was taken, Pooty-Poo keeps hurling threats at the West, while his army, apparently recruited from a meth den adjacent to a clown college, persists in its admittedly innovative strategy of Fucking Up While the Whole World Watches.

The locals steadfastly refuse to treat Vlad’s dipshit brigade as he’d anticipated and planned, unless of course the traditional Ukrainian folk greeting for liberators involves slaughtering them in great numbers. At least 7,000 Russian troops have met their ends in this clusterfuck already, exceeding in three short weeks the total number of American deaths from two decades in Afghanistan and Iraq put together, and those little excursions were hardly models of efficiency, y’know?

Still, like any good right-wing fanatic, Pootie Tang has sought solace from the less convenient aspects of objective reality in the lovin’ arms of a meticulously maintained disinformation bubble, within which he glides from triumph to triumph, over legions of Nazis (Jewish ones, apparently) and their U.S.-backed chemical weapons labs.

With precious few lingering allies, (likely on account of all the mass murder) the Kremlin would no doubt love to send chocolates n’ roses to the handful of accommodating propagandists remaining on the American ultra-right, for helpfully platforming this latest Big Lie, but, y’know…sanctions. Maybe Lavrov’ll have time to swing by Fux Nooz HQ after his cartoonish attempt to gaslight the United Nations flops; it certainly won’t take long.

Of course, Tucker Carlson and his ilk are merely trying to recoup some of their massive investment in Russia’s autocracy; I’m sure it’s frustrating, laying all that groundwork for a white nationalist police state of your very own, only to watch the whole enterprise blow up, like a residential building full of innocent civilians.

The holdouts who remain pro-Putin in the face of three solid weeks of nonstop war crimes are the genuine dregs of Trumpism, the absolute bastards who’ve been itching for violence their whole damn lives, and they’re furious and bewildered that the world turned on their guy over a measly few hundred dead children.

You’ve got Candace Owens stumbling around, shrieking “Russian lives matter,” while usefulish idiot Madison Cawthorn’s own party plots his defenestration. Liar Tuck himself whines about being labeled “an organ of Russian disinformation,” while simultaneously parroting Putin’s talking points nightly. And poor J.D. Vance, who once dreamed of riding his dinner theatre demagogue shtick all the way to the United States Senate, doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.

Then there’s onetime Delaware Senate candidate Lauren Witzke, who praises Putin’s “Christian values,” when she’s not interviewing skeevy creeps who say things like, “women are our currency to be bartered and traded.” I forget, what did Jesus say about shelling hospitals again? Or, for that matter, WOMEN AS “CURRENCY?”

Meanwhile, Koch Industries refuses to stop financing Vlad’s war machine, because while this whole “Ukraine” thing is a shame and all, the real sin would be if the billionaire Koch family heirs were denied even a nickel’s worth of their beloved blood money. Since “Republican Congressman” amounts to an entry-level position in the Koch organization, understanding how American political culture wound up so utterly fucked is deceptively simple, don’t you think?

With Putin and his inner circle locked out of every international financial system and stuck with a currency about as valuable as a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon, Russia announced petulant, retaliatory sanctions targeting Joe Biden, Anthony Blinken, and, for whatever reason, Hillary Clinton, which can only be described as…adorable. Who’s a great big global superpower? YOU are! YOU are!

Oh hey, Ginni Thomas attended the pre-Riot mixer on January 6th, just for cucumber sandwiches and treacherous small talk, but I’m sure her husband is a rational, impartial judge, just like the drunken frat boy political operative and the dominionist zealot. It’s a shame the Founding Fathers didn’t find it necessary to formally write down, “by the way, sour, psychopathic mediocrities aren’t allowed to take everybody else’s rights away,” but maybe they’ll get to that in the Hamilton sequel*.

Cadbury Creme Egg-brained gun-humper Lauren Boebert, attempting to manufacture the illusion of support for her juvenile meltdown during the State of the Union, claimed the mother of a lieutenant corporal showered her with praise, with special appreciation for her feces-smearing technique, a story which perhaps would’ve carried more weight if “lieutenant corporal” were a real rank anywhere within the U.S. military, which it is decidedly not.

If you think that’s impressive, Lauren, the Ambassador from Narnia says I have the best blog in the whole wide world. Also, the pooka who lives across the hall from me thinks you’re a fucking idiot.

In the wake of the revelation that she addressed Nick “What’s So Bad About Hitler Anyway” Fuentes’ white nationalist sock hop, Idaho Lieutenant Governor** Janice McGeachin has decided it’s super unfair to judge Republicans by the (Nazi) company they keep. Agree to disagree, Jan. You fascist twit.

Seems would-be Senator Herschel Walker finally arrived, a few decades late, to the long-ago debunked “if evolution is real why are there still apes CHECKMATE LIBTARD PRIMATES” party, and I’m looking forward to next week, when he blows the lid off Robert Byrd’s misspent youth. On the other hand, not to make this fuckwit’s argument for him or anything, but if the human brain is so dang evolved, why do Georgia Republicans think a domestic abuser with a lengthy history of serious mental illness is a good fit for the federal legislator gig?

Another cultist seeking elected office, “Pastor” Mark Burns, fantasized about bringing back the ol’ House Un-American Activities Committee, with “Un-American Activities” helpfully redefined as “disagreeing with Mark Burns.” Now, it wouldn’t be fair to equate such statements with Putin’s unhinged rant, pledging to purge his nation of “scum and traitors,” because, well, y’see, um…LOOK OVER THERE, IT’S TONY DANZA!

Rand Paul simply will not stop pulling at Anthony Fauci’s pigtails, as demonstrated by his latest attention-seeking nuisance amendment, which would eliminate the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases post altogether, because libertarianism means never having to say, “the objective findings of medical science should overrule the manic screeching of the shit-gargling gremlins that dwell within the otherwise desolate space between my ears.” Y’know, Herschel would actually fit right in.

Utilizing the particularly demonic science liberal heretics refer to as “counting,” new studies show that states with Republican governors experienced higher rates of Covid infections and deaths, and since you are no doubt reeling from fucking shock reading that, I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself. Honestly, I could use a tall, frosty glass of ivermectin right about now, so take your time.

Ah, that’s better. Take that, worms.

Now, five or six years ago, I might’ve naively expected a political party to lose a little voter support when the public learned that party’s policies directly caused thousands upon thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, but with the wisdom granted by time, I now understand that millions of Americans value blind partisan conflict over life itself; I’m told the Ames Straw Poll is slated to be replaced with a competitive bloodletting ritual, with Republican activists draining veins directly into vats labeled by candidate.

You may recall Josh Hawley’s cringingly fashy (or is it fashily cringe?) effort to monetize his treason-mongering by hawking Terrorist Fist Jab: The Mug on his doomed campaign website…well, turns out that in doing so, Joshward illegally appropriated somebody else’s intellectual property without permission or payment, and thus he’s been ordered to cease n’ desist with that shit. Given the personality at the center of this particular cult, such petty thievery will likely only enhance this twerp’s prospects, unfortunately.

Speaking of Cult45, Shower Cap’s inaugural Moldering Pile of Maggot-Ridden Hamster Crap award goes to…Kyle Rittenhouse, who seemingly cannot resist strutting the deficiencies of his grotesque little soul.

See, this is what MAGA culture is all about, this is the whole rotten doctrine: gunning your political opponents down in the streets and tap-dancing on their graves; not only acknowledging, but celebrating your unbridled shittiness. Child terrorist reveling in his blood-drenched celebrity, crazed despot launching missiles at maternity wards, EXACT same energy.

In summation, STOP PUTTING ASSHOLES IN CHARGE, people. This particular crop is especially asshole-y, so if anybody needs to have caveat emptor tattooed on the inside of their fucking eyelids, I’m willing to donate to your GoFundMe.

Sigh. See you next week, friends. Stay safe out there.

*That’s not a real thing, I made it up. Sorry. Dick move, Cap.

**See, that one’s real, Lauren.